by Kant, Komal
Nothing surprised me anymore. It seemed that everyone, except me, knew Eddie and I belonged together. “Yes, I did it to protect him.”
It kind of hit me right then how stupid my logic was. I was lying to him in order to protect him, yet lies were what destroyed relationships in the first place. I had destroyed our relationship, now it was up to me to fix it.
“Sometimes it’s better to be honest. Trying to keep a lie alive takes too much energy,” Mr. Bracks said, a faraway look in his eyes. “Eddie is a great person, and you both deserve to be happy, together.”
As I opened the door and stepped outside, I turned around to look at Mr. Bracks one more time, grateful that I had been able to speak to him. “Thank you,” I said.
Then I ran out of there like a girl possessed, knowing exactly where to find Eddie.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Eddie
I was becoming cross-eyed.
I had been staring with so much intent at the carpeted floor that I was starting to see double.
Support group. That’s where I was. I almost hadn’t made it today—my head was too messed up in the head from all the back and forth bullshit with Hadie, but Philip had talked me into coming. He’d said that moments like these were the ones where you needed to express yourself the most.
We were getting to the sharing portion of support group, and I wasn’t sure if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I knew Philip wouldn’t push me, but I also knew I wouldn’t gain anything from being here if I just shut myself off.
Fiona shuffled in her seat beside me, but I didn’t bother to glance around at her. My eyes continued to focus on the floor as I thought about how messed up the day had been.
Not only had Hadie found out about Lincoln’s note in the worst way possible, she and I had kissed for no apparent reason other than the fact that I’d been so goddamn mad at her that I hadn’t been able control myself.
Which made absolutely no sense.
It was her fault just as much as it had been mine. She had seemed to enjoy the kiss more than she should have considering she was with Three. I wondered if she’d tell him about it and if he’d bring his thugs to my house to rough me up again.
“Is there anything you’d like to share with us today?” Philip was asking someone.
My thoughts drifted back to Hadie again. I knew I had to stop thinking about her, but it was so hard. If only things hadn’t turned out this way.
“I want to talk about a great book I read last week.” My insides froze at her voice. “It’s called P.S. I Love You.”
Hadie.
My head shot up, and I saw her standing at the front of the room right next to Philip. She was staring straight at me, her face filled with numerous emotions that I couldn’t even begin to decipher.
“This book, it was about my life.” She took a deep breath, continuing to speak. “A few months ago, I lost my boyfriend to terminal cancer. At the same time, I lost myself. I went through the day to day stuff as though I was enclosed within a glass case. I wouldn’t let anyone in, not even the people who cared about me the most. And this book, the character in it, she was able to move on and find happiness.”
Everyone in the room was listening to Hadie, completely engrossed by her words. I wasn’t sure how to feel or why she was here. This meant something, but after Hadie’s constant indecisions, I wasn’t about to assume anything.
“Someone gave me this book because he didn’t want me to give up on life. He wanted me to believe in stories again, believe that I could find my happy ending. He didn’t give up on me; he continued to crack away at my glass case, day after day.”
A hush fell over the room, and then all of a sudden everyone’s heads turned to me in unison. I swallowed down a lump in my throat, my posture stiff as I tried to figure out in the hell was going on.
“And then the strangest thing happened.” Hadie paused. “My glass case shattered. This someone, this boy, he made me believe. I started to believe in love, and chances, and happiness, and new beginnings. All of this happened as though someone or something had been guiding us, and in a way that’s exactly what had happened.”
I knew she was referencing Lincoln and his note to me. The other people may have jumped to God, but I knew she was talking about her dead boyfriend. Which was weird in its own way.
Even from where I was sitting, I could see Hadie’s eyes were glistening. “I’m grateful—grateful that this boy stood by me.” She was speaking directly to me, wiping tears from her eyes. “Without even realizing it, this boy has become my everything. When I had this epiphany, I also realized one other thing—there was no happy ending without him.”
I was frozen in shock, at a complete loss as to what I should do. It had been over a week ago that Hadie’s dad had told me that she had chosen Three over me, yet here she was telling me that I was the one she wanted to be with.
There was no relief filling me, only confusion. What had happened to Three?
As Hadie finished speaking, everyone in the group began to clap—they were clapping because Hadie had been through shit in her life. They were clapping because she’d overcome it.
For a moment, our gazes were locked, unwavering, never faltering. But then the moment ended.
Philip places a hand on Hadie’s shoulder. “Thank you for sharing that with us, Hadie.”
Hadie sniffled, giving him a small nod. “Um, I just need a moment outside.”
“Of course,” he said, with understanding on his face.
As Hadie turned and hurried out of the room, Philip turned to me and gave me a pointed look. I knew what that look meant. He wanted me to go and talk to her.
Well, of course I was going to talk to her. After all that, how could I not?
Rising to my feet, I followed after her. She was already standing outside in the cold, crossing her arms over her chest as she tried to keep warm.
When I approached her, she didn’t turn around. Maybe she wanted to see what I would say. Maybe she had simply run out of words.
“Hadie, what are you doing here?” I asked.
She let out a breath and turned around. Tears streaked her pale face. “I wanted to tell you how I felt about you.”
My jaw tensed. “Your dad already told me the other night.”
“He lied.”
Her words made my heart pound in my chest. This was surreal. From what I could tell, Mr. Swinton had always liked me. There was no reason for him to want Hadie and me apart.
“Why would he do something like that?”
“I asked him to. He felt terrible, Eddie, but I needed him to lie to you. I’m sorry.”
None of this was making any sense. What could possibly be so terrible that she’d had her dad lie to me?
“Why?” I demanded.
Hadie took a slow breath, glancing away to the side. I studied her profile—wrinkled forehead, rosebud lips turned downwards. Something was definitely wrong.
“There’s no easy way to tell you this.” Finally, she lifted her eyes up to look at me. “I’m pregnant.”
It felt like being knocked over the head with a brick. I staggered backwards, grasping the side of my head as though it would somehow help—it didn’t.
Hadie’s face was dead serious. This was real. Hadie was pregnant. With a baby. With someone’s baby. But whose?
The answer came to me very quickly. Everything was slowly starting to make sense—the reason why she had kissed me today; the reason why she had declared her feelings for me; the reason why she had chosen Three.
Hadie was in love with me, but she was having Three’s baby.
Fuck everything. Fuck this shit.
“Really, Hadie? Really?” I said, my voice on the rise as I seized her by the shoulders. “You’re having Three’s baby? His goddamn baby!”
Hadie’s eyes grew with alarm, and she shook her head furiously. “No, no! It’s not Three’s! He and I, we never even had sex!”
Relief flooded me. My hands fell from
her shoulders. Oh, thank God. It wasn’t Three’s. That was the best news I’d ever heard. Except it didn’t really change anything. Hadie was still pregnant.
Then another thought occurred to me. Hadie and I had had sex.
My mouth fell open. “It’s mine?” Hope sprang up inside my chest for a second. My heart began to pound even harder.
“No, Eddie,” Hadie said, squashing my hopes immediately. “It’s Lincoln’s.”
The brick knocked into my stomach this time. I felt winded. I backed away from her as my head spun with this revelation.
Hadie. Pregnant. With Lincoln’s baby.
My mom. Dating Lincoln’s dad.
Lincoln’s death. His note.
It was like Lincoln Bracks had infiltrated every part of my life. I knew it was such a selfish and unfair thought to have, and that it wasn’t Lincoln’s fault in anyway, but how was I supposed to have a life with Hadie if Lincoln was always going to be in it?
“Lincoln’s baby,” I said, feeling lightheaded. “You’re having Lincoln’s baby. Is that even possible? He was sick.”
“I asked the doctor the same thing,” Hadie responded, her voice soft. “She told me that it’s possible if he hadn’t been having any therapy at the time.”
My jaw tightened. “So why did you tell your dad to lie to me? Why did you let me believe you were back with Three?”
“I thought it would be easier than finding out I was pregnant,” she explained, staring down at the ground. Her bottom lip quivered. “You’ve been there for me through everything, but this—it was too much. I didn’t want you to have to deal with this too.”
Incredibly, I was the least mad at Hadie for lying to me about Three. It actually made a lot of sense why she’d done it. She hadn’t wanted to put the stress of a baby on me. By not wanting to involve me, it showed that she cared about me.
Which was still pretty twisted, but her reasons made sense.
“What made you change your mind? Why are you telling me now?”
Her features softened. “Because you can’t build a relationship on lies.”
That was true. I felt exactly the same way. Hadie wasn’t with Three, but she was going to have a baby. This was hard to process.
“A relationship?” I repeated.
“Yes.” She nodded solemnly. “I know it’s a lot to handle right now, but all I’ve thought about this past week is you and the baby. I can’t imagine what my life will be after the baby is born, but I also can’t imagine my life without you in it.”
Hadie was saying everything I had always wanted her to say. Except I didn’t know what to say back. To say that I was shell shocked was an understatement—my feelings were fucking immobilized.
“Eddie?” she prompted, her eyes searching mine.
I turned away, unable to look at her. “I need some time.”
“W-what?” she asked in disbelief.
I headed down the steps into the snow. Hadie. Baby. She was having a baby.
The reality of the situation rushed back at me like an icy wind. A baby. A freaking baby. She was seventeen and pregnant.
Holy fucking shit.
When Hadie had shown up tonight, this wasn’t how I had expected the conversation to go. Usually, in those girly romance movies, the couple lived happily-ever-after after one of them made their grand declaration of love. There usually wasn’t a baby bombshell that was dropped.
“To think,” I muttered, as my feet started moving away from her. “I need time to think.”
“Eddie, wait!” she cried, but I didn’t stop.
I just kept moving, my shoes ploughing through the snow as I made my way across the parking lot. I wasn’t sure where I was headed—all I knew was my head was buzzing with noise, and I needed somewhere quiet to go.
So I headed to the dead garden.
The rickety covered bridge greeted me like an old friend. The last time I’d been here was the night Hadie hadn’t shown up. The night of the car accident. The night I assumed she found of she was pregnant, plunging both our lives into uncertainty.
Just as I reached the bridge, my phone started to ring. Seeing that it was Philip, I rejected the call and immediately texted him back letting him know that I was fine and needed some time to myself.
I took the steps down to the dead garden and headed straight for a bench. The silence was calming. Now I could think. Now I didn’t feel so suffocated.
I hadn’t meant to leave Hadie like that, but I really needed some time alone to gather my thoughts.
Hadie was going to have a baby—Lincoln’s baby. The boy I could never live up to. Now even more so. He had left her with something so miraculous that I could never rival it.
But maybe that didn’t matter. Maybe I was never meant to live in Lincoln’s shadow—maybe I was simply meant to create my own. Maybe all I was supposed to be was me.
The thing that was foremost in my mind was the story my mom had told me about my father and how he hadn’t wanted Hailie. There was no fucking way I would do what he had done. I would not walk away from Hadie just because she was having a baby.
Sure, the situation was a little different because it wasn’t my baby, but Lincoln wasn’t coming back. Someone had to step up, and that someone was going to be me. I would be the father this baby didn’t have anymore.
I wouldn’t give up on Hadie, just like Lincoln had wanted me not to. Besides, I loved her—so much. My heart squeezed every time I glimpsed her. This feeling was real. There was nothing temporary about it.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat in the dead garden, braving the cold, but when I finally felt more confident about the role I would play in Hadie’s life—in the baby’s life—I rose to my feet and headed back up onto the bridge.
Now that I’d had time to process everything, I finally felt better. Still, I needed the rest of the night to let everything sink in. I needed to tell my mother everything. I needed to think some more.
Another conversation with Hadie was tomorrow’s concern.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Hadie
My tears were still fresh when I walked into my house.
Shutting the front door behind me, I quickly wiped them away before my parents noticed.
I wasn’t mad at Eddie for reacting the way he had—it was completely understandable—but my heart was definitely heavy that things hadn’t worked out the way I had hoped they would.
Eddie hadn’t exactly rejected me, but he hadn’t accepted me either. It kind of felt like I was in limbo, which is probably what I deserved for being so hot and cold with Eddie these past few months.
Chance and Halo immediately ran up to greet me, tails wagging. I reached down to scratch them both behind the ears with each hand. Chance rolled his head to the side, eyes closed; Halo had his tongue hanging out of his mouth, making it look as though he was grinning at me.
Straightening up, I headed to the kitchen to see if my parents were there. The dogs padded after me, wanting to be wherever I was.
When I didn’t find my parents in the kitchen, I headed upstairs to their room. Theirs was the biggest one to the left of the staircase with its own adjoining bathroom just like my room had. The door was slightly ajar, so I hesitated outside and knocked first, just in case they were getting it on.
“Come in,” Mom called out, her voice sounding strange and muffled.
Pushing the door open, I found my mom sitting on her bedroom floor. There was a small box in front of her and photos lying on the floor. A box of tissues were beside her, and she pulled one out and blew her nose.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” Worry surged through me as I walked inside and joined her on the floor. “Where’s Dad? Is everything okay?”
“Yes, everything’s fine.” She sniffled, laughing a little as though she was embarrassed that I’d found her in this state. “Your father went to pick up a pizza. I got a little nostalgic and started looking through old pictures.”
Curiosity trickled through me as I stared around a
t all the pictures. What exactly had made her cry?
Then my eyes fell on the pictures directly in front of her. Me—she was crying over pictures of me. Just from a quick glance, I could tell they were pictures from over the years, especially ones from when I had been a little kid.
“Oh, Mom.” I sighed, leaning over and giving her a tight squeeze. “I’m sorry I make you cry. Is it because I’m hideous?”
She laughed again, handing me the picture she’d been holding. It was a picture from the day I’d been born. My mom was lying in the hospital bed, and it was incredible how much I looked like her. I was in her arms, wrapped up in a yellow blanket. Dad was leaning over beside her, looking down at me with pure joy on his face.
“This one is my favorite,” she said, misty-eyed. “This was the day I realized how deeply you could love someone.”
I was silent as I stared at the picture, feeling numb. In six, short months that would be me. I would be the one lying in a hospital bed holding my baby.
My baby. The concept still seemed foreign to me. I wondered if it was something I would become used to as time went on. Still, what if I wasn’t prepared by the time the baby came?
“What if I’m not as great as you and Dad are?” I asked, voicing my fear aloud. “What if I do everything wrong?”
Mom studied me for a long moment before sifting through the box. Finally, she pulled out a picture and handed it to me. It was one where I looked to be about a year old. I was standing up, balancing precariously on my chubby legs. My mom was standing a couple of feet in front of me, her arms outstretched as though she was ready to catch me if I fell.
“That was the day you took your first steps,” she explained, as I continued staring at the image. “I’ll never forget that moment as I looked at you and realized that you had taken the first steps that would begin your journey through this world. As a mother, I worried about you constantly. The older you got, the smarter you became, and all I did was worry. I confess, I would keep your father up late sometimes wondering if I was doing everything wrong.”
It was ridiculous that my mother had even had thoughts like that. She was the best mother I could ever ask for. “Mom, you did everything right,” I told her.
