by Kira Adams
Before
* * *
“Hey honey, Tyson is here to see you. Can I send him in?” my mother asks.
I open my eyes weakly, looking back at her. I don’t want him to see me like this.
I hear another pair of footsteps coming toward me. I haven’t been able to dwell on how bad my body looks because I’ve been drugged up on pain medication, but I know Tyson is not going to look at me the same way he used to, ever again.
I can barely hold my head up as Tyson takes a couple of hesitant steps toward me. “What did he do to you?” he asks softly.
I am floating between consciousness and in a way, I’m thankful. I won’t be able to worry about the way my body looks to him.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Tyson comes in closer, taking a seat in the chair beside my hospital bed and taking my hand in his. “For what?” he asks.
“Thank you for saving me.”
He squeezes my hand softly and I sense the sadness radiating off of him. “I wish I would have checked on you sooner. Maybe I could have prevented this.”
I shake my head, coughing. “This is not your fault. Robbie found out I was planning to leave him, and he took his revenge. This had nothing to do with you.”
Tyson looks wound up and visibly shaken. “He won’t get away with this. Karma is a vicious beast. If I ever see his sorry ass again, I’ll kill him myself.”
“Tyson,” I say weakly.
“Oh, I’m sorry, you probably need your rest, don’t you?” I nod my head, my eyes already preparing to close. I’ve had enough of analyzing my crappy existence for one day. I don’t know why I survived. I’m angry that I did. Nothing will ever be the same again. No one will ever look at me the same.
I wish I hadn’t pulled through.
“You scared the crap out of me,” I faintly hear. “How could I have missed it? I could have protected you.”
I want to open my eyes so badly, but I have no energy. All the sounds begin to dissipate as I drift off.
Ten: Reverting Back to Past Behaviors
It’s been two weeks since I confronted Tyson and he told me he couldn’t be around me anymore. Two weeks since we last spoke. It hurts like hell not having him in my life, but I realized he was right. It was unfair of me to ask him to stay in my life after he told me how he truly felt. I can’t give him what he so desperately wants, and I would just be holding him back from pursuing other relationships. So I decided to let him go. It hasn’t been easy. I still catch myself wanting to text him when I have a bad day, or even a great day. I still find myself dialing his number on impulse.
Honestly, if it wasn’t for Ben and Felicia, I don’t know that I could have done it; cut off all contact and keep pushing. They’ve definitely made things a lot easier. I’ve been drowning my sorrows almost nightly, and they’ve been there to humor my depression.
It’s Halloween, and they both have to work, so they invited me to Side Bar for free drinks and a fun night. Ben said Halloween is one of their busiest nights of the year. Everyone gets dressed up and parties until the wee hours of the morning. Felicia went costume shopping with me a couple of nights ago, and of course tried everything under the sun to get me into a sexy costume, but I prevailed. I haven’t told Ben and Felicia what happened to me yet, and I don’t want them to look at me any differently, so I’ve been very careful. Turns out there are not a lot of options when you need your arms and legs to be fully covered, so I ended up choosing a witch costume. Not my ideal choice, but it will work.
The bar is packed when I arrive and my usual parking spot it taken. In fact, the entire parking lot is full. I have to park a block away and walk. Luckily, it’s one of the busiest nights of the year, so the streets are filled with people. As I make my way inside, I push past the plethora of people, and see that all the bar stools are filled. There is barely standing room as is. Felicia spots me from the bar and waves enthusiastically. She chose to go with a 50’s look. She’s wearing a pink poodle skirt which matches her hair pretty nicely, along with a black checkered top and polka dotted hair and neck ties. She is also sporting pink plastic framed cat eye glasses. She looks absolutely adorable. I helped her choose the outfit, and I couldn’t be more proud.
She motions with her hand to come up to the bar, so I squeeze through the huge line of patrons still waiting to make their drink orders and lean in so we can hear one another. “Hey lady!” she greets me with a smile. “How do I look?” She grabs the edges of her skirt and spins around for full effect.
“You look great!” I shout over the loud music and overall commotion.
Felicia looks at the guy seated at the bar in front of me. “There’s a lady standing behind you that doesn’t have a place to sit. Will you be a gentleman and give up your chair?”
He glances back at me with an unhappy look. I’m guessing it wasn’t easy getting front row seating tonight. It could also be his terrible choice in costume, which is the cheapest looking Batman get-up I’ve ever laid eyes on. He turns his head back to her, and Felicia bares her pearly whites at him. “There will be one on the house if you comply.”
She seems to be talking his language because he quickly hops off the stool. “Make it a double and you have a deal.”
She grins at me. “I can do that.”
I trade him spots and sit down on the warm stool. I mouth thanks to her as she prepares his double. My eyes travel to the other end of the bar where Ben is working at top speed to make and deliver drinks. “Oh my God!” I squeal loudly. Ben is wearing a Ring Master costume and his beard has been trimmed so much so that he is now simply sporting a goatee. He looks like a completely different person.
Felicia looks back at me and then her eyes shift to Ben. “I know.” She slides a drink to the guy behind me and then begins making another right away. No more than a couple of minutes later, I have a drink in front of me. I stare at it, trying to decipher exactly what it is before smelling it. “Long Island?” I ask.
She nods. “It’s Halloween!”
I smile back at her. It sure is.
A few hours later, and plenty of drinks in, I’m feeling drunk. My cheeks are flushed, I can’t stop giggling, and I’m pretty sure I’ve gone pee more than fifty times. I’ve made great friends in the bathroom, and I’ve been hit on more times than I can count. Some guy in a Freddy Krueger costume keeps buying me drinks from the other end of the bar. I’ve simply been flashing him my beautiful smile in return, but now that I’m feeling freer than ever and frisky, I decide to take a risk and introduce myself to him. I shimmy over to him, not as gracefully as I’d hoped, and I tap him on the shoulder. He spins around, his piercing grey-blue eyes the only thing I can see with his mask on.
“Hi,” I say awkwardly with a wave. “I’m the girl you’ve been buying drinks for all night.” I’m well aware I’m slurring, but I’m feeling good, and my inhibitions are out the window.
He nods, remaining mute.
“I just wanted to come over and introduce myself. My name is Bryce.” I shake his hand clumsily, but his grip is firm, tight. Almost as if he doesn’t want to let go. “Not much of a talker?” I ask.
Freddy Krueger shrugs, cocking his head to the side.
“Alright, well nice to meet you and thanks for the drinks,” I say as I spin around, headed once more for the bathroom. My bladder feels beyond full and that was kind of awkward.
I giggle to myself as I make my way through the crowd. Once I’m finished doing my business, I head for the sink to wash my hands. As I’m staring in the mirror, I realize just how ridiculous I look. My eyes are bloodshot, I have a goofy grin plastered across my face, and my cheeks are pink. I wash my hands thoroughly and then decide to splash a little water on my face. When I look back up at my reflection, I notice someone standing behind me. Freddy Krueger. “This is the ladies’ restroom,” I say. “Did you accidentally walk in here?”
Slowly, the stranger removes his mask and I go pale white. Robbie. I’m screaming bloody murder b
efore I can stop myself. I’m so terrified, I’m frozen in place, simply holding my face, squeezing my eyes closed, and screaming.
He lunges forward, throwing his hand roughly over my mouth and wrapping the other one around my body. He lifts me up, off the ground, and I’m shaking. “You really shouldn’t have done that.” I can feel his warm breath on my ear and I’m trembling. “See you soon.”
He places me back onto the ground, removing his hand from my lips and then slips out the door.
I don’t know how long I’m standing there, screaming my lungs out, but I lose time. I feel someone grabbing at me, and I scream even louder. “Bryce! Bryce!” the familiar voice attempts to gain my attention. My eyes fly open, and I’m staring at Felicia. Her eyes are wide and her expression is frightened. “What happened? Are you alright?” she asks worriedly.
I am gasping for breath, gripping onto her for dear life. “He was here.” I can’t even think straight. He found me. He’s going to kill me.
“Who was here?” she asks, holding me up. “Bryce, I need you to tell me what happened.”
I fall to the ground, my knees giving out. Tears begin pouring down my cheeks. “He’s going to kill me…he’s going to kill me…” I continue to mutter over and over again.
The next half hour goes by in a haze. I’m semi-aware of the fact that they have searched the bathrooms and bar and cannot locate the person in the Freddy Krueger outfit. I’m barely coherent as Ben calls a cab for me, pays for it, and puts me in it. “Bryce, where do you live?” he asks.
I look up at him, confused.
“Bryce, I need to give your address to the cab driver so we can make sure you make it home safely.”
I swallow, nodding. “Um, 434 South Main Street,” I manage to get out.
He looks up at the driver. “You get that?”
The driver nods.
Ben rubs the side of my arm soothingly. “It’s going to be okay. He’s going to take you home now. Text Felicia as soon as you make it, alright?” I look up at him and nod in understanding. He closes the door behind me. I look next to me and realize that my purse has made it into the vehicle with me. I feel nauseous like I may puke. I roll down the window of the cab partially, and lean my forehead against the cold glass.
“If you puke, it’s double,” the cab driver drones from the front.
Everything begins spinning, and I squeeze my eyes shut, breathing deeply. I was really drunk tonight. I haven’t drank that much in a very long time. Hallucinations can happen, right? Someone was obviously buying me drinks, but the fact that I saw Robbie in the mirror was clearly my subconscious playing a trick on me. It has to be; except, I can still feel his hand over my mouth, his hot breath in my ear. I’m trembling as I wrap my arms around myself tightly.
If Robbie is still around these parts, he’d never risk giving up his location to reveal himself to me. At least that’s what I keep telling myself, but the goosebumps and knot in the pit of my stomach tell me otherwise.
* * *
“Bryce! Bryce! Wake up!” my mother cries, and I feel my shoulders being shaken.
My eyes flutter open, and I’m well aware of the wetness that is filling up at the corners of my eyelids, the warm liquid on my cheeks. My pillow is soaked. I’ve been crying. My eyes meet my mother’s chocolate ones, and it’s the same look she used to give me back when I first moved home. Sympathy. Her eyebrows are crinkled with worry and she looks exhausted.
“You were having a nightmare,” she says softly, stroking my cheek, wiping the tears away.
My hair is sticking to my forehead, and I can feel the sweat pooling inside of my clothes. I sit up, pushing back against my headboard.
“Are you okay?” my mother asks, concerned. You haven’t had one of these in a long time.
I nod, breathing deeply. “Yeah, it’s probably just a fluke or something.”
She sighs. “Alright, then. I’ll let you get your rest.”
I look at the clock on my nightstand. 3:34 a.m. My mother exits my room and I’m left in the darkness, alone. I don’t know what I saw last night, but I know it felt real. He felt real. I pick up my phone, sliding my finger across the screen to unlock it. I find my call log and hover over Tyson’s name. As much as I want to talk to him right now, I know it’s not fair to either of us. I don’t want to use him, and I sure as hell don’t want to lead him on. I’m no good for anyone right now. I carry way too much baggage. I can’t expect anyone to be okay with dealing with me and all my issues. Tyson deserves better. He deserves to be happy.
* * *
So much for it being a fluke. The nightmares have only gotten worse. I’ve started sleeping with my closet light on. Because my sleep patterns have been so terrible, and I’ve been overly anxious, I’ve called into work the past couple of days. Janet warns me that if I can’t make it in before the end of the week that she is going to have to find someone to replace me. Today is Friday, and I have no intention of leaving my safe haven. I haven’t left my room for anything other than using the restroom and refilling my water. It’s too difficult for me to see the looks on my family’s faces. I can see the disappointment from a mile away. Mikey isn’t even speaking to me. I wish I wasn’t such a fuck-up. The only thing I can find motivation to do lately is to sleep. I’ve been sleeping all day and staying awake all night. I find that my nightmares are not as frequent or as terrifying that way.
I hear the doorbell ring and I make my way over to my window. Linda’s car is in the driveway. This can’t be good.
“Bryce!” I hear my mother call from downstairs.
I glance at my reflection in the mirror. My short brown hair is greasy and flat, my eyes are dull and lifeless, and the pajamas I wear are the same ones I’ve been wearing all week. I can’t recall the last time I brushed my teeth. I’m not sure anyone is prepared to handle me in my current state.
“Bryce!” my mother calls out again.
I open my door and peek my head out. “What?”
“Linda is here to see you,” she calls up the stairway.
I close my eyes, inhaling deeply. “Our appointment isn’t until Wednesday,” I reply.
My mother ascends the stairs halfway so she can make eye contact with me. “Bryce, we’re worried about you, so I called her. Please make yourself presentable and come down.”
I groan, closing my door. I guess I won’t be able to avoid this confrontation. Quickly, I throw on a pair of sweats and a long-sleeve t-shirt. I brush my teeth until my tongue can’t feel anymore grime on them and then I toss a handful of baby powder in my hair, running my fingers through it to make sure the white powder isn’t visible before I head downstairs.
Linda is waiting in our usual meeting place when I enter the room. Her green eyes fixate on me as I walk to my normal chair and plop down into it. “Hey, Bryce,” she greets me softly.
I glance at her, acknowledging her with a small nod. She grips her notepad close, leaning in. “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine,” I reply, instinctually.
Her expression softens. “How about the truth?”
I sigh, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. “I lost my job.”
