He chuckles. “I was loaded. Or my dad was, and back then, I loved his money if not him. So I thought, I’d buy her everything. I’d get her whatever she wanted. And in my head, I was already better than your brother who was making you choose. And so I kept watching and maybe you felt me, I don’t know. Maybe you felt a creep watching you through the window and you turned around so quickly that you stumbled. Again. And I wanted to get to you. I wanted to bust through the glass window and catch you but your fucking brother caught you. It made me so angry. That I didn’t get to do that. I didn’t get to save you. But anyway, I thought… this is what I do. This is what I do to her, my fairy, I make her fall. I make her dirty. So it’s better if I stay away, and I did.
“I fucking did, trust me. I’d see you somewhere around town, I’d turn around and walk away. I wouldn’t even pause, not even for a second. But then one day, I saw you at that store. The one you always go to, the girly one, with all those dresses…”
“Anti-social Butterfly?” I offer, as if in a trance.
It’s one of my favorite stores in Bardstown. They have such feminine and lacy and floral things that I’d spend hours there, just browsing if not buying.
“Yeah. That’s the one.”
“Y-you saw me there?”
He nods slowly, his eyes all filled with memories, glinting, looking so intense. “It was before you were about to start at Bardstown High. I was counting the days, actually. When you’d get to my school. I mean, I knew Ledger would be a bitch about it, but at least you’d be there. Where I was. At least I could see you every day. But anyway, I saw you at that store and you were picking out dresses and laughing with your friend or whatever and I had to go in. I had to see you. Just for a little while. So I did, and I watched you come out of the dressing room, showing off your daisy fresh dresses to your friend. And you looked so pretty in every one of them and I wanted to buy you the whole fucking store. I wanted to… give you everything you ever wanted. But anyway, nothing happened that time. You didn’t stumble. I didn’t make you dirty, so I thought it was all in my head and Jesus Christ, I was so fucking happy. I was so ecstatic, like I’d won something. That I didn’t have to be away from you anymore. I mean, except for your brothers, but fuck them, you know?
“But then on the first day of school, you were getting out of Ledger’s truck and I think you saw me, my Mustang, and you squinted your eyes against the glare maybe and the next second I knew, you stumbled again. And I thought to myself, ‘Fuck you, Jackson. Why can’t you stop hurting her? Why can’t you just… stop? She’s not for you.’ So after that, there was no turning back. After that I always, always made sure to stay hidden, to not look at you more than normal. Even when I watched you at Blue Madonna, because fuck me but I couldn’t help myself, I made sure you never saw me. You never felt me. Because if you did, I’d hurt you again. I’d make you dirty.
“And then you… you showed up at my party and despite all the promises that I made myself, all the good fucking intentions, I couldn’t stop myself from going after you. And God, you were so… innocent and pretty and so fucking gorgeous when you danced for me. I felt guilty. I felt so guilty for making you do that, for watching you like that, for wanting to kiss the fuck out of you when your brothers showed up just to make them understand that I wouldn’t stay away from you. I wouldn’t.”
His hands are clenched now, his voice tight and angry as if he’s reliving that moment back in the woods. And I want to go to him and tell him that…
I don’t know what I want to tell him except that I love him.
I love him so much and I didn’t expect this. I didn’t know and God, please can I just tell him?
I don’t care if he says it back to me or if he hasn’t realized it yet or if he never realizes it. I just want to love him and he looks so lonely and angry and defiant standing there with his fists clenched and I…
He swallows again and his eyes, wolfish and pretty, flash with something. “Anyway, you know everything that happened after that. Except… except the night you gave me that sweater. The one that I never wore — I couldn’t after what I did — but I keep it. I keep it close and I think that was the night that I felt something. I felt a pain, a longing. That was the night when, instead of bringing you back to your brothers, I wanted to take you away. I wanted to keep you for myself. My fairy. Who made such a beautiful gift for me. No one had ever given me anything before that. I didn’t know what to do with it… I… That was the night, yeah. That was the night I wanted to take you away and…”
“Roman?”
My voice brings him back to the moment. It makes him focus on me.
Even though he’s been looking at me all this time, I know he wasn’t really seeing me but now he does. He does see me and his features arrange themselves.
They arrange themselves in a look that’s even more determined than before and yet, there’s this openness in them. An openness like he’s exposing something.
His thoughts, yes.
But more than that. His soul maybe.
“I never tell you anything because I don’t know how,” he says thickly. “I’ve never really told things before. I’ve never really shared things with people. I never had anyone I could share things with. And that has been okay with me. Because I was always bogged down by other things. I was always too wrapped up in my own shit to… take a second. To stop and to take a breath, but I want you to know this. I want you to know the thoughts in my head, Fae. Because you have the right. Only you have the right to know.”
“Know what?”
“All my life I’ve felt suffocated and angry and hateful. I’ve felt like I had no choice but to do the things that I was doing. I had no choice but to hurt people and fight with people and lie and cheat and be the bad guy. But then every time I saw you, every time I see you, Fae, you destroy a piece of me. A dirty piece, you understand. This thing inside of me that makes me a villain, you destroy it, Fae. You kill it and you cleanse me. You make me better. You make me breathe. I can breathe with you and I’ve never been able to breathe so freely as I do with you.
“And every time you do that, every time you fill my lungs with sweet life, I want to destroy anything and everything that hurts you. I want to burn down the world so I can keep you safe. Every time you slay my dragons, I want to slay yours. I want to be your hero, Fae. I want that. I know you told me that I’m Halo’s hero and I am. I will be. For the rest of my life. I will love her and protect her and keep her safe. She’s mine. She’s ours. But I also want to be your hero. I also want to keep you safe. I want that job for myself. And so I want to give you something. Something that I never put much stock in. I laughed at people when they talked about it. I scoffed. I thought they were crazy. Until now.”
My eyes are wet. They sting but I don’t let my tears fall. I don’t let my vision become blurry because I want to see him. I want to see him clearly and vividly.
But it gets so difficult now when I whisper, “What?”
He clenches his jaw for a second before whispering back, “My heart.”
“Your heart.”
“Yes. I want to give it to you.”
“Why?”
He chuckles harshly, brokenly. “Because when you gave me yours, I broke it. I didn’t protect it like I should have. I hurt you and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life. So my heart is yours. It has been since I saw you on that playground. Something that I’ve only realized in the past few weeks. Because you made me realize it. You made me realize that my heart could be filled with something other than hate. Something like love.”
“L-love.”
He throws out an imperceptible nod. “Yeah. I love you, Fae. I’ve loved you for a very, very long time now. Ever since the playground, I think. The things I feel for you, I never knew they could be love. But they are love. I’m in fucking love with you. And so I want to tell you that you have my heart. I want you to do whatever you want with it. You can do with it what I did t
o yours. You can break it, Fae. You can break my heart. I want you to. I’m putting it in your hands. I’m putting it under your ballerina feet that you think are ugly but they’re the prettiest feet I’ve ever seen.”
His heart.
And then I have to look at it, his chest.
I have to look away from his gorgeous face even though it’s hard. Because I think… I think if I focused enough, I probably would be able to see his beating heart inside his chest.
That he wants me to have.
The chest I once thought was barren and infertile. That no flower could ever grow there. He proved me wrong when he said that he loved Halo but now I think I was wrong about that too.
He doesn’t just have a flower, he has a garden.
My Roman has a secret garden of daisies in his chest. For me, and then I can’t stop my tears at all, even though they make it hard for me to see him. But I shouldn’t have worried about not seeing him because one second, he’s standing all the way over there and the next, he’s touching me.
He’s putting his hands on my wet cheeks and tilting my face up. He’s wiping those tears off, kissing my forehead. “Don’t cry, Fae. I keep making you cry.”
“Y-you want me to break your heart?”
He kisses my forehead again. “If you want to.”
I shake my head, grasping his wrists. “But I already did that.”
“What?”
I move my hands to his cheeks then, his beautifully harsh jaw. “I already broke your heart. Two years ago. My tears, my pain. My heartbreak. They broke your heart, didn’t they?”
His jaw moves under my fingers. “Yeah.”
“Every time I cried in my bedroom, you were lying awake in yours, weren’t you?”
He throws out a short nod.
“And every time I felt all broken and hurt and alone in my town, you felt hopeless and miserable in your city.”
“I did.”
“So I don’t wanna break your heart anymore. I want to heal it. Like you did mine. I want to keep it. Safe and protected and warm because you get cold so easily. I want to make you sweaters that you wear. And I want to dance for you. So you don’t have to stalk me at the studio anymore. I want to make you cupcakes and I want to laugh. For you. I want to be for you, Roman. So you don’t have to look at me from a distance. So you don’t have to get angry when I fall if you’re not there to catch me. And…”
I take his hand off my face and without taking my eyes off him, I drag that hand down, the one that has a grease stain on the inside of his wrist. And still watching him, I rub that wrist on the side of my neck, painting my skin with dirt.
“And I don’t want you to stop touching me just because you think you’ll get me a little dirty.”
His eyes flare at the mark; his stomach contracts.
“I’m not afraid of a little dirt, Roman. I never was. Or falling. I’m not afraid of all that. You know why? Because I survived you. Because I survived the heartbreak you gave me and I kicked your ass. You survived it too. And I’m done, okay? I’m done hurting each other. All I’ve ever wanted, ever since I danced for you, was for you to love me. That’s all. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to keep me. I want you to keep me with you. Forever.”
“Forever.”
I nod. “Yes. Ask me why.”
He swallows. “Why?”
“Because I love you too, you idiot.”
He goes still, only his eyes are moving, going back and forth between mine. “You… you love me.”
God.
What am I going to do with him?
Why is he so… crazy and adorable and such a big, clueless idiot?
I dig my fingertips into his unforgiving jaw. “Yes, Roman. I love you. I’ve loved you for two years now, okay? I loved you when we were at Bardstown High and you were my sweet Roman. I loved you when you became a jerk and broke my heart that night and I stole your car. And I loved you for the two years after that even when I shouldn’t have. And I love you now. Every time I see you with Halo, I love you more. Every time I see how you love her, I fall in love with you more. Every time, Roman.”
“Holy fucking… Christ. I didn’t think… after everything. I didn’t…”
“I do, because I never stopped. Even though I’m very angry at you.”
“Angry.”
“Yes.” I sniffle. “Because you made me wait.”
He frowns. “Made you wait for what?”
“For this?” I purse my lips. “For telling me all this. And just so you know, I figured it out four weeks ago.”
“Figured out what?”
“That you’re in love with me.”
His eyes pierce into mine. “You figured it out.”
“Yes.”
“How?”
I go up on my tiptoes. “Because I’m smarter than you.”
Finally his lips twitch. “You are.”
“And because you told me that you had my sweater in the trunk of your car. You know who would do such a thing?”
“Who?”
“A guy in love. A guy who’s obsessed with me. You’re obsessed with me, Roman.”
Those twitching lips of his break into a lopsided smile, a smile that makes him look boyish. “I am.”
I move my hands and tug at his hair then. “And you never said anything. As usual. But it’s worse, isn’t it?”
His own hands move and his fingers go into my hair, burying themselves, and his body loses its rigid quality, sliding against me. “How is it worse?”
I shake my head at him, letting my anger show. “Because you’ve been obsessed with me for the past thirteen years. Since you saw me at that playground. And I don’t even remember that day.”
Not that my anger is making a dent on his amusement, no.
He’s all relaxed now, totally opposite of how he was only a few moments ago and yes, I want to be relaxed too that he told me. And I’ve been waiting for it.
But I’m not.
Because my anger is catching up to me.
“You don’t, huh?” he rasps, massaging my scalp.
I don’t let his magic fingers deter me though. “No. And now I want you to tell me every single detail about that day. Every single thing, Roman. The weather, the time. What were you wearing? And what I said to you and —”
“You said thank you,” he interrupts me, his small smile still in place, his fingers slowly working their magic on me. “Like a good girl. I dirtied your dress and you gave me your big blue eyes and said thank you.”
My breath hitches at the tenderness, the heat in his tone. “From now on, I want you to tell me everything. Everything. All your secrets and your fears and your desires. Your dreams. Everything.”
At this, his eyes go grave. “I will.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
At last, my ire lessens. “I’m going to be your best friend, Roman. And you can’t stop me.”
Those wolf eyes of his flash. “You want to be my friend, Fae?”
My heart races. “Yes.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know what kind of a friend I’d be when all I’d ever think about is talking dirty to you and making you blush. And kissing those lipstick lips.”
My lips tingle and I bite them as I whisper, “A bad one. You’d be a bad friend.”
He smirks, his vampire skin heating up and his wolf eyes looking so pretty and predatory. “Which one is that?”
My mouth tingles harder. “Blueberry Fairy.”
I have to admit that I only bought it for the name but the color turned out pretty good too with its dark blue shades.
He wraps his wrist around my braid, tugging my head back. “Why?”
“Because I’m a fairy.”
“Yeah, you are,” he whispers. “My fairy.”
“Ever since I was six.”
“And you’re my Roman.”
“I am.”
“Ever since you were nine,” I tell him. “So will you keep me then?”
His body shudders with emotion. “Fuck yeah, I will. And I will love you and Halo. And I will make all your dreams come true, Fae. I want you to know that. I know you’re going to Juilliard and I’m not going to stand in your way and —”
I put a hand on his mouth to stop him. “Why don’t you let me worry about Juilliard?” He frowns and I press those fingers harder. “For now, tell me you love me.”
I move my fingers and he rasps, “I fucking love you.”
I smile, winding my arms around his neck. “I love you too. Tell me again that you love Halo.”
“I fucking love Halo.”
“Tell me that we’ll stay together. Forever.”
He swallows. “We’ll stay together forever. Because we’re a family now.”
My eyes fill with happy tears. “Family. Yeah. Now kiss me.”
Chuckling, he does exactly that. He captures my lips in a kiss.
As if he couldn’t wait any longer. I couldn’t either.
I can’t believe I waited for this for thirteen years. I didn’t even know that I was waiting.
But I was.
Because how could I not?
How could I not have felt what he felt? Maybe that’s why he made me want to dance whenever I saw him play, the Wild Mustang. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t stay away from him, couldn’t stop thinking about him despite all the warnings.
Because I was his dancing fairy long before I knew it.
And yes, I have to tell him about Juilliard. About how I got my admission deferred for a year and talked to Miss Petrova about teaching ballet at Baby Blues for the next year. Everyone did so much while I was pregnant and now it’s my turn. And so I’ve got a year before I go after my dream.
A year to be Halo’s mom, to watch her grow up, to adjust to this new life, to be close to all my brothers because I wasn’t for the last two years. And now I’ve got a year where I get to be his. I get to watch him with Halo, him being the best daddy in the whole wide world. I get to watch him go for his dream and I get to watch him love me.
A Gorgeous Villain Page 54
