I logged on to a few and couldn’t believe what I was reading. They encouraged you to starve yourself with advice like: ‘Starving is an example of excellent willpower’ and ‘Bones are clean and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.’
It told you how to survive on one apple a day, recommending you cut it into eight slices – two for breakfast, two for lunch, two for dinner, and you still had two left for a snack. Apparently this way your body thinks it’s eaten four times that day, but you’ve actually only eaten one apple.
They recommended not swallowing, just chew and spit the food out. And they said it was important to keep very busy, almost to the point of being completely stressed out, because then you can go for hours without being hungry or wanting to eat.
I put my head into my hands and sobbed. My daughter was anorexic and I’d missed all the signs. How bad was she? Why was she doing this to herself?
Charlie must have heard me crying, because he came up to me. ‘Is this about Nadia?’ he asked, sitting beside me.
‘I don’t give a shit about Nadia. Ali’s got an eating disorder.’
Charlie stared at me. ‘Now hold on a minute. I know she’s got a bit thin, but that doesn’t mean she’s anorexic.’
I showed him the rotting food, the pictures and the websites. Charlie shook his head. ‘I can’t believe it. Ali’s so sensible. It’s so unlike her to do something so stupid.’
‘What am I going to do, Charlie? You can die from anorexia. I have to stop it before it gets worse.’
‘Don’t go getting yourself into a state. No one is dying here. We’ll sort this out. We need to talk to Ali first and see what she has to say.’
‘I should have seen it. I should have stopped it. Mothers are supposed to protect their children. I just thought she was a bit down in the dumps. I missed it, Charlie. I completely missed it.’
‘We all did, pet. We’re all to blame. Now, come on, dry your eyes and take a deep breath. We’ll get her better in no time.’
‘Why you crying?’ Nadia asked, standing in the doorway.
‘We think Alison is anorexic,’ Charlie explained.
‘What this?’
‘When someone stops eating and gets very sick,’ Charlie said.
‘Why she stop eating?’
‘I don’t know. Probably because that stupid little fucker broke her heart,’ I raged.
‘Aleeson is sad girl.’
‘No, she isn’t. She’s a warm, loving, happy girl.’ I didn’t want Nadia commenting on Ali. I wanted her to go away.
‘Since I living in you house, Aleeson is sad. She fery serious, all the time with the books, never smiling. All the time on her own. No boyfriend, no girlfriend. Nobody.’
‘She has lots of friends,’ I retorted. But Nadia had a point. Nobody called over to see Ali any more. Donna used to be on the phone all the time, or popping over to watch DVDs and swap clothes. That had all stopped. I’d just presumed it was because they were studying so hard for their finals. But now it seemed odd.
‘Don’t worry, love,’ Charlie said, giving me a bear-hug. ‘We’ll get to the bottom of this. She’ll be back to normal in no time. It’s bound to be just a phase.’
‘I hope so,’ I said, crying into his shoulder.
20
I tried to make myself look as if I hadn’t been crying all afternoon and went to collect the girls. On the drive over to the school, I tried to work out what I was going to say, how I was going to confront Ali. Part of me was desperately sad and guilty but another part was angry with her. Why was she doing this to herself? Was it all because of that stupid boy? Was she trying to be as thin as Tracy? Maybe she thought that if she was thinner David would fancy her again. She could die of anorexia – didn’t she understand that?
But as they walked towards the car my anger faded. Ali was hugging her school coat around her, shivering. Her hair was lank and lifeless. Her face was pale and pinched. I wanted to wrap her up and take all the pain away.
‘Hi, girls, how was school?’ I asked, deciding to wait until we got home to talk to her.
‘Fine,’ they both muttered. I looked at Sarah, who normally jumped into the car full of dramatic stories about her day. She seemed upset.
‘Is everything OK?’ I asked her.
She glanced at Ali. ‘Yeah,’ she said unconvincingly.
We drove home in silence. When we got in, Ali went straight upstairs. As I moved to follow her, Sarah pulled me into the lounge and closed the door.
‘Mum,’ she whispered, ‘I have to talk to you.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Ali’s acting really weird.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked, catching my breath.
‘Well, you told me to keep an eye on her, so I did. I was a total detective – Dad would have been really proud. First I caught her flushing her lunch down the loo. She got really pissed off with me and said if I told you she’d say I was having sex with Bobby, which I’m not by the way. Then I talked to Donna, who said that Ali hardly ever speaks to her now. She said Ali’s become a real loner. She spends every lunchtime running laps of the football pitches. She told Donna she’s training for the marathon. The reason I didn’t know this is because I spend all my lunchtimes with Bobby. Donna said she’d asked Ali if everything was all right and told her she was way too thin, but Ali just brushed her off.’
‘Did anything happen in school to upset her?’
‘I asked Donna that, but she said nothing’s happened since David broke it off with her. David’s still going out with Tracy, but nothing else bad has happened.’
‘Thanks for doing all that, pet. I’ve been doing some detective work, too, and I think Ali’s quite sick.’
‘What do you mean sick? Like depressed?’
‘No, I think she might be suffering from anorexia.’
‘Anorexia? But that’s really serious. Are you sure?’
‘Yes, but I don’t want you to worry.’
‘How am I supposed to do that exactly?’
I put my arm around her shoulders. ‘Sarah, Ali’s going to be fine. I’ll get her all the help she needs. Now, I need to go up and talk to her. Why don’t you go in and help Nadia cook dinner? She’s making some special Polish dish for us all.’
‘Can’t I just watch TV?’
‘No.’
Sarah got up from the couch and grudgingly went off to help Nadia. I walked upstairs to talk to Ali. I was nervous about what to say, but I just took a deep breath and opened her bedroom door.
She was in the middle of getting changed. I screamed – before me stood a skeleton.
‘Why the hell didn’t you knock?’ she shouted, grabbing her duvet to cover herself.
‘Jesus Christ, Ali, what have you done to yourself?’ I cried. She was so much thinner than I could ever have imagined, her ribs and hip bones jutting out.
‘Get out!’ she demanded, as she pulled a baggy tracksuit over her bones.
‘You’re a –’
‘Fat cow? Yes, I know.’
‘No! You’re painfully thin. You’re nothing but bones. Oh, God, Ali, how did I not see this? I’m sorry, pet, I’ve let you down.’
‘Please go. Stop staring at me,’ she begged.
I willed myself to be strong. I desperately wanted to pull her to me and hug her better. But she was standing as far away from me as she could get, her arms wrapped protectively around her tiny frame.
‘I’m not going anywhere. We need to talk.’
‘I don’t want to talk,’ she said.
‘Ali, this has gone too far. I found the food under your bed. I know you’ve been flushing your lunches down the toilet in school, I know you’ve been running every day at lunchtime and I’ve seen those sick websites you’ve been on.’
‘How dare you break into my computer?’
‘Ali, I think you’ve got an eating disorder and we need to get you some help.’
‘Go away, Mum. You’re making a drama out of not
hing.’
‘Have you seen yourself? Have you seen how thin you’ve got?’
‘Stop zoning on me. Stop spying on me.’
‘Ali, please talk to me. I want to help you. Why are you doing this to yourself? Is it because of David?’
‘WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT DAVID!’ she roared.
‘Something is making you starve yourself. I want to find out what it is and help you,’ I pleaded.
‘The only way you can help right now is by leaving me alone. Get out.’
I could see I was wasting my time. She was like a cornered cat, lashing out. I stood up and willed myself to be calm. ‘I’m going downstairs now. In ten minutes I want you in the kitchen, at the table. Nadia has cooked a special meal and you’re going to sit down and eat it. This has got to stop.’
‘Just go,’ she said, turning away from me.
Paul had arrived home while I was upstairs with Ali, and Sarah had filled him in. ‘What’s going on? Sarah told me you think Ali’s anorexic. Is that true?’ he asked, as he closed the lounge door so we could have some privacy.
‘Yes.’
‘Are you sure you’re not jumping to conclusions?’
‘I’ve just seen her without her clothes on, Paul – she’s skin and bone.’ I began to get upset again.
‘I know she’s lost weight, but don’t all teenagers go on stupid diets at some point?’
‘This isn’t a diet. She’s starving herself. She’s been lying to us and throwing her lunch out and pretending she’s training for a marathon. I was talking to Sally and she said she got a fright when she saw Ali last night and that maybe she had a problem, and then I rang a help-line and they said it sounded like she had an eating disorder. When I looked in her bedroom I found lots of rotting food under her bed and horrible anorexic websites on her computer.’
‘You and Sally rang a help-line?’
‘Yes. I was worried and I wanted advice.’
‘Come on, Ava, this is what you always do.’
‘What is?’
‘Panic.’
‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’
‘Remember when Sarah had the measles and you thought it was meningitis? And when Ali had a cold and you thought it was swine flu?’
I gritted my teeth. ‘I am not overreacting. Ali is really sick and we need to get her help or it will get worse and she could die.’
‘Dinner’s ready!’ Sarah bellowed from the kitchen.
Paul moved to the door. ‘Let’s see how she gets on at dinner before we start talking about her funeral.’ He walked out the door and an almost uncontrollable anger welled up inside me. It took all my willpower to take a deep breath and walk to the kitchen.
We all sat around the table and Nadia served us up a delicious stew.
‘Bigos,’ she announced. ‘Traditional Polish stew. It make you big and strong.’
Ali was staring in horror at the plate of food. Her hands shook as her fork hovered above it.
‘You eating up, Aleeson. You skinny. Men no like skinny, men like strong woman. You eat my grandmother stew, you have all the men in luff with you.’
‘Get that into you. You’ll feel better with some food in your stomach,’ Charlie encouraged her.
‘Go on, Ali, eat up. Your mother’s worried about you,’ Paul told her.
‘It’s OK, pet, take your time,’ I said, as she chewed a piece of cabbage.
She continued to eat tiny mouthfuls of cabbage for the next ten minutes.
‘Eat some meat. The iron will do you good,’ Charlie suggested.
Ali picked up a piece of pork and put it into her mouth. We all pretended not to stare as she chewed. But when it came to swallowing, she couldn’t. She began to gag on it.
‘Just swallow it and stop making such a song and dance about it,’ Paul scolded. ‘It’s only a piece of meat.’
Ali began to cry. ‘I can’t, Dad. I’m sorry.’
Nadia broke the silence. ‘I tell you story about my granny dying of starfation in the war. This will helps you eat. My grandmother –’
‘Thank you, Nadia, I’ll deal with this,’ Paul interrupted. ‘Alison, eat your dinner.’
Ali tried to swallow another piece of meat, but ended up spitting it into her napkin.
I put my hand on Ali’s arm. ‘Come on, love, just eat small bits.’
‘I can’t,’ she whispered.
‘Just eat the bloody meat,’ Paul snapped.
‘I can’t eat it. It’s full of fat,’ she screamed, and ran upstairs to her bedroom.
We all stood up to follow her. ‘STOP!’ Sarah shouted. ‘I’ll go. You’re freaking her out. Let me talk to her.’
I crept up after my daughters. I had to find out what the hell was going on in Ali’s head and I was determined not to let any opportunity to do so pass me by. I sat in the corridor outside her bedroom, with my ear pressed to the door.
‘Ali, are you OK?’ Sarah asked.
‘You’re a bitch. I can’t believe you told Mum you saw me throwing out my lunch.’
‘I had to. After Donna told me you’ve been doing a Forrest Gump impression every lunchtime, pretending to train for a marathon, I knew you’d lost the plot.’
‘It’s none of your business, you meddling two-faced bitch.’
‘Jesus, Ali, why are you being so horrible? What’s wrong with you?’ Sarah sounded really hurt – I’d never heard Ali speak to her like that before.
‘Stop making such a big deal out of nothing. I’m just trying to be healthy.’
‘Starving yourself is not healthy. You’re skinnier than Tracy and she’s way too thin.’
‘Am I really thinner than Tracy?’
I felt sick: Ali sounded thrilled.
‘Oh, my God, you’re actually happy about that? Are you nuts? She looks like crap.’
‘No, she doesn’t. You said yourself you thought she was like a model.’
‘That was before she lost more weight – she looks like a skeleton now. Which, by the way, is what you look like.’
‘I wish.’
‘Mum thinks you’re anorexic. Are you?’
‘Of course not. She’s just a drama queen. I’m absolutely fine.’
‘Do you think you look good?’
‘I’m a fat pig. My thighs are like tree trunks.’
‘Seriously, Ali, if you believe that, you really do have a problem.’
‘My only problem is my interfering mother.’
‘She’s just worried about you. Please, Ali, are you going to stop this now and start eating?’
‘Why does everyone have to go on about food all the time? I am eating. I just don’t want to be a big fat whale.’
‘Look in the frigging mirror, Ali! You’re a walking stick.’
‘Get out. I don’t want you in here,’ Ali snapped.
‘Fine, I’m going, but I really wish you’d stop this. Why can’t you just be normal again? I can’t talk to you any more. You’re like a different person. You’re always in a bad mood. I miss the old Ali.’
Sarah came out, upset. Seeing me hovering she said, ‘There’s nothing to hear, Mum. She’s lost the plot. She thinks she’s fat. She definitely needs help.’
I put my arm around her. ‘It’s OK, pet. Thanks for trying.’
‘She’s really bad, Mum.’ Sarah’s eyes welled up. I hugged her and tried my best not to join in. ‘She just won’t listen. I don’t know what to say to her – she’s like a stranger.’
‘I don’t want you worrying about it. Your dad and I will sort it out. Come back down and finish your dinner.’
Sarah shook her head. ‘I’m not hungry. I’m going to my room.’
I stared at the two doors behind which my daughters were hiding, both upset, both confused, both unhappy. It seemed like only yesterday when we’d all cuddle up under a duvet on the couch on rainy Sunday afternoons and watch Disney movies together. I’d make a big bowl of popcorn and we’d eat and chat and sing along. I loved those days. I treasured those
days. I missed those days.
Paul came up behind me. ‘How is she?’
‘Not good. She’s in denial. She thinks she’s fat. This is really serious, Paul. I’m scared.’ I began to cry.
‘Hey there, don’t get yourself all upset. Let me try talking to her.’
He knocked on the door and walked into Ali’s room. ‘Hi, Ali. Listen, I’m sorry for shouting at you downstairs. I just got frustrated when you wouldn’t eat.’
‘It’s no big deal.’
‘Your mother is very worried about you. She’s outside crying and blaming herself. She thinks you’ve got an eating disorder.’
‘God, I wish she’d stop going on about it. She always has to make a huge deal out of everything. I just wanted to lose a few pounds and get fit.’
‘Then why couldn’t you eat your dinner tonight?’
‘Because you were all staring at me, watching everything I put into my mouth. It totally freaked me out.’
‘So you weren’t refusing to eat, you just felt under pressure?’
‘Exactly.’
‘From now on, will you promise to eat proper meals with us and not leave half of it?’
‘Yes, of course, no problem.’
‘And you’ll stop throwing your lunch out and hiding food under your bed?’
‘For God’s sake, I only did that once or twice because I didn’t like what Mum had made for me.’
I couldn’t believe how easily the lies were slipping off her tongue and how gullible Paul was being.
‘Well, from now on you have to eat whatever she gives you. You do need to put on some weight.’
‘OK, I will.’
‘I’m serious now, Ali. You must get some flesh on those bones.’
‘I said I would.’
‘Right, well, that’s sorted, then. Your mother will be relieved to hear it.’
Paul came out and closed the door behind him, looking pleased. ‘She said she’d eat properly from now on. Come downstairs and have a glass of wine. It’ll make you feel better. You’ve had a bad day.’
I was too shocked to speak. How could he be so naïve? Ali had been lying to us for months. We couldn’t take her word for anything. She needed proper help. I was taking her to the doctor first thing in the morning. I was furious with Paul for letting her away so lightly and with Ali for lying again. His inability to see what was happening made me feel even more alone – I was up against this illness with no back-up.
Pieces of My Heart Page 15
