Sally put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Ava, you are one of the sanest women I know. You very rarely talk about weight and then it’s only in a lighthearted way. This is not your fault. You can’t control what teenage girls think. You’re a great mother.’
‘But that’s just it, Sally, I’m not. I let this go way too far. The signs were there, right under my nose, but I was so busy with work and then Charlie and Nadia that I didn’t see what was happening to my own daughter. I should have been more vigilant after she broke up with David. I should have seen this.’
Sally came over and put a comforting arm around my shoulder. ‘No one saw the signs. Not you or Paul or Charlie or even Sarah. This is not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself. You need to be strong and positive. You’ll get through this.’
‘She’s changed so much, Sally, that I don’t recognize her any more. She’s so secretive and unhappy and short-tempered.’
‘Of course she’s grumpy – she’s hungry all the time. Once she starts eating, she’ll go back to being her old self. Just take it one day at a time and don’t panic. Now, I want you to go home and focus on making Ali better. I’ll hold the fort here. If I need you urgently, I know where to find you.’
‘Thanks, Sally. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.’
‘If only some tall, dark and handsome man would say that to me.’
I called into the pub to tell Paul what the doctor had said.
‘So she is anorexic? Are we talking life-threatening here?’ he asked.
‘It only gets really dangerous if she continues with it. So we all have to keep an eye on her and encourage her to eat to make sure she puts back on the weight she’s lost.’
‘I couldn’t believe her at breakfast – she just refused to eat. I didn’t think she was that bad,’ he said, upset. Alison was his pride and joy. From the moment she had been born and he had held her for the first time, I was relegated to second position. They had had an immediate bond. He literally fell in love at first sight.
When Ali turned out to be the sweetest child, who never gave us a day’s trouble and always did well in school, Paul became even prouder and more besotted with her. She was such a serious little girl, always trying to please everyone, always doing her very best at everything. Paul, coming from an all-boys family, couldn’t believe that we had been blessed with such an angelic child.
When we went to parent–teacher meetings and the teachers praised her, Paul would lean over and say, ‘She’s a really special girl, isn’t she?’ and they’d smile and agree with him. Ali could do no wrong, and never did. Sarah, on the other hand, had ruffled his feathers from the day she was born. He adored her too, but they clashed a lot. I had to get him to stop saying, ‘Why can’t you be more like Ali?’ I was afraid it would cause a rift between the sisters. But Sarah was so confident and self-assured that she’d never been remotely jealous of Ali’s academic achievements, so it hadn’t been a problem. The two had always been close – until now.
‘Why don’t we go out for dinner tonight to that place Ali loves – Carluccio’s? I’ll get Johnny to cover for me here,’ Paul suggested.
‘Great idea. I’ll tell her when I pick her up from school.’
When I got home I called Mary Boland, the psychologist. Unfortunately she couldn’t see Ali until after Christmas. I was disappointed, but at least I had an appointment for the first Monday morning in January. I then made an appointment with Mrs Wilkins, Ali and Sarah’s headmistress. I wanted to make sure that everyone at school was on high alert. I locked Ali’s bicycle in the shed and hid the key. I felt better already, less weepy and overwhelmed. I was dealing with the situation. I was back in control. I would fix my daughter. Everything was going to be fine.
When I picked the girls up from school, Sarah bounded over to the car while Ali trailed behind. ‘Guess what?’ she said.
‘What?’
‘You are looking at the new Juliet Capulet.’
‘Who?’ I asked, watching Ali as she climbed silently into the car. My heart sank. It was a lot easier to imagine her getting better quickly when I wasn’t looking at her emaciated body.
‘Hello! Earth to Mother. What do you mean “who”? Juliet Capulet – as in Romeo and Juliet. As in William Shakespeare’s, like, most famous play ever. As in, like, Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in the movie? I’ve just landed the main part, and guess who’s playing Romeo?’
I looked at her blankly.
‘Bobby, of course! It’s total fate. We’re really into each other and Romeo and Juliet were, like, star-crossed lovers. It’s the same story – except obviously me and Bobby aren’t going to kill ourselves because our families hate each other. In fact, our families don’t even know each other and you’ll probably never meet Mr Masterson-Brown because he spends most of his time in Spain. He’s so loaded he’s, like, a tax exile or something. How cool is that?’
‘Sarah, can you please speak in English? I have no idea what you’re talking about.’
‘She got the part of Juliet in the school play,’ Ali translated.
‘Well, that’s great. Good for you. Are you doing the whole thing?’
‘Yeah, right! Hello, do I look like I can swallow a book? We’re writing a summarized version in our own words. So it’ll be modern English not all that olde-worlde crap that no one understands.’
‘How eloquently put,’ I said, winking at Ali, who would normally have laughed with me, but she was just staring out the window.
‘We’ll be performing on the twenty-ninth of January, so can you keep it free? It’s at four o’clock, so make sure Dad is there too.’
‘I can’t wait,’ I assured her.
When we got home, Paul and Charlie were talking in the kitchen. They stopped as soon as we walked in.
‘There they are, my two beautiful daughters,’ Paul said. ‘How would you like to go out for dinner? Carluccio’s sound good?’
‘On a school night? Cool,’ said Sarah.
‘No, thanks. I’ve got way too much work to do,’ Ali said, heading for the stairs.
‘Hold on there.’ Paul went after her. ‘Since when do you pass up an opportunity to go to your favourite restaurant?’
‘I’m too busy, Dad. I’m trying to study to do well in my exams so I can get into medicine, like you want me to. Get off my back.’
‘Ali,’ he said, reaching out to her, ‘you can leave the books for one night. I thought we could have a nice family dinner.’
‘I just told you. I don’t want to go. Why don’t you go without me?’ she suggested.
‘I want to go,’ Sarah said.
‘No. It was supposed to be a family meal. If Ali doesn’t want to go, then we’ll stay in,’ said Paul, looking hurt at his eldest daughter’s rebuttal.
‘There’s a nice bit of steak in the fridge – we can have that with some roast potatoes.’ Charlie filled the silence.
‘Good idea, Charlie,’ I said. ‘Dinner will be at seven. I want everyone downstairs on time and hungry,’ I added, as Ali ignored me and rushed up the stairs.
While Ali did her homework, Sarah sat in the kitchen with me and talked about the play and school and Bobby. I remembered Ali used to do that, come in and tell me about her day. But she hadn’t in a long time. I missed her company.
‘Sarah,’ I cut across her story about how fit Bobby looked in training today. ‘I need to talk to you.’
Her face fell. ‘Is it bad news about Ali? I asked her how it went in the doctor’s and she just said, “Fine.” ’
‘Yes, it is about Ali. She’s anorexic and it’s very serious. She needs to start eating properly and put back on all the weight she’s lost. We have to encourage her to eat. We must also be vigilant and keep an eye out for any signs of her hiding food or throwing it out. You’ll have to watch her in school for me. I’m seeing Mrs Wilkins and I’m going to make sure all the teachers keep track of her too. We all need to work together to help her get better.’
‘Wh
at happens if she doesn’t want to eat?’
‘She’ll die.’
‘Jesus, Mum!’
‘What?’
‘I’m sixteen – you’re supposed to protect me from scary, nightmarish information, not blast it in my face.’
‘I want you to know how dangerous anorexia is. I want to make damn sure you don’t go and do something stupid like this. You’re a beautiful girl with a lovely figure. Don’t ever change it by going on some ridiculous diet and starving yourself.’
‘Hello! Do you honestly think I want to look like a skeleton? No, thanks.’
‘Maybe I should have told Ali she was gorgeous more often. Have I not complimented you both enough? Did I ever make you feel insecure about your bodies? Tell me what I did wrong.’
Sarah came over and hugged me. I was shocked: she never hugged – Ali used to, but Sarah didn’t: it was ‘lame’. ‘Mum, chill. You always told us we looked great. Don’t beat yourself up about Ali – she’s too smart to continue with this crap. And as for me, there’s no way I’m giving up my grub. It’s my second love after Bobby. Besides, I know I’m hot, why would I want to mess with perfection?’
‘Sometimes, Sarah Mullen, you are a rock of sense. Now, can you call everyone in for dinner, please?’
Sarah stuck her head out the kitchen door and screeched, ‘DINNER’S READY. IT’S NOT EXACTLY CARLUCCIO’S BUT IT DOESN’T LOOK TOO BAD.’
Ali came into the kitchen and stared at her plate. I had given her half the portion everyone else had.
‘Bon appétit,’ Charlie said.
‘I luff steak,’ said Nadia, shovelling a large piece into her mouth.
‘Yum,’ said Sarah.
‘Mm, delicious,’ said Paul.
‘Come on, Ali, eat up,’ I said, looking at her fork, hanging in the air.
‘I’m sorry, I’m not very hungry. I might have a stomach bug.’
‘Ali, I want you to get well. You heard the doctor. You need to put on the weight you’ve lost. Now, come on, eat up.’
She scooped up a few peas and chewed them slowly.
‘So, Mum, I’m going to need a fabulous costume for the play. Juliet is, like, a total babe, so I need to look stunning,’ Sarah announced.
‘We’ll see if we can get something on the Internet.’
‘I help you. I sewing fery good. I sometimes make own costumes,’ Nadia piped up.
‘Well, this one will require more material than a thong,’ Sarah said.
‘No problem – you give me material, I make dress. You pay me one hundred euros.’
‘OK, but if I don’t like it I’m not going to pay you.’
‘It will be beautiful. You will pay me. I’m collecting money for my boobie job. Charlie no want to pay.’
‘I thought he’d said yes,’ Sarah said.
‘He changing his mind efery day.’
‘I just think she should give it some more thought,’ Charlie said. ‘It’s a serious operation. I’ve been reading about it on the Internet – a lot can go wrong.’
While the others kept the conversation going, I watched Ali. She put a small piece of steak into her mouth. I smiled at her. At least she was trying.
‘What are you planning on paying Nadia with?’ Paul asked Sarah.
‘It’s a school project so you and Mum have to pay her.’
‘You can pay her yourself out of your savings.’
‘Hello! It’s my English class play. It’s William freaking Shakespeare. Like, seriously, it’s not as if I’m asking her to make me a dress for a party.’
Paul put his hands in the air. ‘OK, I’ll pay for it if you’ll please stop talking like a brainless American teenager.’
‘Whatever, Dad.’
‘Have some potato, Ali.’ I pointed to the three untouched spuds still sitting on her plate.
She managed two small forkfuls. ‘I’m full. I really need to get started on my homework.’
‘Not yet, pet. I have your favourite ice cream for dessert.’
‘Honestly, Mum, I really can’t eat any more,’ Ali said, panic-stricken now.
‘A small bowl of ice cream will do you the world of good,’ Paul told her.
Ignoring her, I put two scoops into a bowl.
‘OK, then. I’ll take it upstairs and eat it at my desk,’ Ali said.
‘No, you won’t,’ I said, leaving no room for debate. ‘You’ll be eating all your meals, including dessert, with us from now on.’
Ali picked up her spoon and mashed the ice cream up, playing with it until she saw me glaring at her and eventually ate a few small spoonfuls.
‘So, Dad, the play is on the twenty-ninth of January and you have to be there,’ Sarah said. ‘Even if it’s the busiest day ever in the pub.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
‘You have to be there – it’s my début as an actress and Bobby’s mum will be there. You’re to be nice to her and try not to talk about Gaelic football and bogger sports. She’s really sophisticated.’
‘This is the woman whose husband evades paying tax in his own country?’
‘I’d appreciate it if you didn’t actually say things like that to her. I don’t want Bobby to dump me, thank you very much!’
‘Are you writing the play yourselves?’ I asked.
‘Totally. We’re making it way shorter. I mean, come on – who can remember five zillion lines? So we’re doing a mini version in our own language, which is really cool.’
‘Does your teacher approve of you rewriting Shakespeare?’ Paul asked.
‘Yeah, Mr Goggin’s totally cool. He’s new. He’s only just qualified as a teacher so he’s only, like, about twenty-two and he knows we all find Shakespeare a total snoozefest, so he suggested that we rewrite it in our own words so that we’d get a proper handle on the story. It’s actually pretty cool because now everyone is really into the play and all the characters and we know what’s going on and who betrays who and all that stuff. Our version is going to be so much better than the original.’
‘Well, it’ll be entertaining anyway.’ Paul grinned.
‘I really need to start studying now,’ Ali said.
‘Just one more spoon,’ I told her.
‘No. I’ve had enough. I’m going upstairs.’ She hurried out of the kitchen and locked herself into the bathroom she shared with Sarah. I followed her up to make sure she wasn’t making herself sick.
‘Ali, are you all right?’
She opened the door. ‘I’m fine. Please stop following me around. You’re making me feel like a prisoner.’
‘I’m just worried about you.’
‘I ate my bloody dinner,’ she shouted. ‘Now can I be left alone to get on with my homework?’
‘There’s no need to be so rude. I just want you to get well again.’
‘For the zillionth time, I’m fine. Now I have to study for my Christmas exams, so please leave me in peace.’ She pushed past me to get to her bedroom and slammed the door in my face.
23
The next morning as I was sitting in work, sipping my coffee, looking over our upcoming events, desperately trying to distract myself from thinking about Ali for five whole minutes, Sally stormed into the office and flung her bag down. ‘I hate my stupid family and I am never, ever going to one of their moronic parties again.’
‘And a very good morning to you too.’ I stood up and poured her a cup of coffee.
‘Honestly, Ava, I’ve had it up to here with them all.’ She sank into her chair.
‘I take it last night wasn’t a barrel of laughs.’ She had been forced to go to her sister’s house where a surprise party was thrown for her brother-in-law, Martin.
‘It was a nightmare. Hilary should never have organized a surprise – it was a crap idea.’
‘Was Martin surprised?’
‘Hell, yeah!’ Sally set the scene for me. ‘So we were all hiding in the lounge when Martin came home. The first thing he said as he walked in the door was, “I have had the worst fu
cking day of my life. I had to lay off fifteen people. I don’t want to speak to anyone. Take the phone off the hook. I need a bath.”
‘ “Come in and have a drink and a chat,” Hilary said, pulling him towards the lounge.
‘ “I don’t want to sit down and talk, I want to soak in a hot bath and wash the day off me.”
‘ “Just come in for a minute. A drink will do you good.”
‘ “Jesus, Hilary, are you deaf? I’ve just had a fucking horrendous day and I want to be left alone for a while.”
‘Then there was some urgent whispering – “I don’t fucking believe this”; “Stop cursing, you’re making a show of me”; “I told you I hate surprise parties, they’re fucking ridiculous at my age”; “Everyone is here now, so just belt up and go in there with a smile on your face!”; “Oh, for fuck’s sake”.
‘The door opened and everyone dutifully shouted, “Surprise!” Martin looked decidedly pissed off and Hilary was bright red with embarrassment.’
‘Oh, the poor woman,’ I said. I couldn’t help laughing. ‘That’s a complete nightmare.’
‘Well, a few drinks later and Martin was the happiest man there. He was going around slapping everyone on the back, thanking them for coming and cracking jokes. Meanwhile, I spent the night being introduced to the guests – all couples – explaining that, no, I didn’t have children and I wasn’t married.
‘I’m telling you, Ava, as soon as I admitted to being single at a party full of couples, the women treated me differently. I went from being another wife and mother to a potential threat. Suddenly I was a single huntress who wanted to get into their husbands’ pants at all costs. The fact that I wouldn’t touch their husbands with a ten-foot pole was irrelevant to them.
‘As for the men, some behaved normally and treated me like a regular human being, but most became overtly flirty and some tried it on. It was kind of like – I know you’re a sad old spinster, but I’ll grope your arse to make you feel a bit better about yourself, because being felt by me is such an honour.
‘After two hours of this torture, I couldn’t take another second of it. I headed home, where I curled up in front of reruns of Sex and the City and thanked God I wasn’t married to some arsehole who went around groping single women. Maybe being on your own isn’t so bad.’
Pieces of My Heart Page 17
