38
‘I just don’t understand,’ Paul said, for the zillionth time. ‘Why did Ali say I was forcing her into medicine? Mary must think I’m some kind of tyrant. I never said Ali had to be a doctor. I just said I thought it’d be a great thing to do and she agreed with me. I’m afraid to say anything to her now. If I look at her sideways she’ll probably accuse me of something else.’
‘Calm down,’ I soothed. ‘She was just venting. She’s angry at everyone and Mary said the more she lets out, the speedier her recovery will be. It’s all that pent-up emotion that’s causing her eating problems. She was pretty hard on me, too, and on Sarah. Mind you, Sarah didn’t hold back either – I had no idea she was so furious with Ali. How did we manage to raise such angry kids?’
‘I have to say I agreed with everything Sarah said,’ Paul admitted. ‘I’ve been wanting to tell Ali to get over herself for weeks. To think Sarah was the one I always worried about and now she’s a rock of sense. I never in my life thought Ali would be the one to cause so much trouble. She seemed so sensible. Sarah was the wild one, the one we needed to watch. But look at them now. Jesus, Ava, it’s so frustrating – I want to shake Ali. All this tiptoeing around is doing my head in. If I’d stopped eating and tried to blame it on my parents I’d have got an almighty kick up the arse.’
‘Well, we’ve moved on from that and now we listen to our children and help them instead of brushing problems under the carpet. One of the main reasons Ali is sick is because we didn’t talk about the shooting. We pretended it didn’t happen and look at the result. Communication is vital.’
‘Why didn’t we have two sons? Two big strapping lads who’d spend all day chasing a ball – none of this sitting around feeling hard done by and blaming their parents for everything.’
‘Because if we had two boys, we wouldn’t have Ali and Sarah. And despite your protestations you adore them. Look, I know this is really hard, but we have to be patient and we have to try to stay positive.’
‘I’m trying, Ava, although I really don’t understand what the hell is going on inside her head. But I’ll do my best and bite my tongue.’
I decided not to tell Paul that in the research I had done, the average time for someone suffering with anorexia to recover fully and regain a healthy relationship with food was five years. Each case was different and early detection was the key to a speedier recovery, but there was no quick fix.
‘Well, I’d better go and see how the pub is doing – I’ve been neglecting it a bit lately with everything that’s going on.’ Paul kissed me and went off to work.
As Paul left, Charlie came in. ‘How did it go? How’s my granddaughter?’
‘It was gruesome, actually. She tore strips off all of us. The psychologist must think I’m such a bad mother.’ I sighed and Charlie came over to sit beside me. It was nice having him there. I didn’t have to pretend with him. I felt I had to be positive in front of Paul and Sarah, but with Charlie I could be totally honest. ‘She’s so angry with all of us. It’s really upsetting and humiliating to have our lives and our mistakes exposed in front of Mary. I keep going over and over the past and what I could have done differently, but I can’t change it. It happened. I’m just hoping that now Ali has ranted and raged about it she’ll be able to move on. It’s her only hope. She has to let it go. It’s killing her. You should see her, Charlie – she’s so full of anger. I barely recognize her. And when she’s not shouting at us and blaming us, she’s crying.’
‘Poor Ali,’ Charlie said.
‘I’m scared. I feel as if we’re losing the battle. There’s a girl in there Ali’s befriended, Emily, who’s been in and out of the clinic three times. What if Ali can’t fight it? I just want this to be over. I want my family back. I want Ali to get better. Did I do this to her? Is it such a sin to try to protect your kids from knowing their father was shot? Doesn’t every mother try to spare their children pain? Am I really such a monster?’
‘Ah, less of that self-pity. It won’t get you anywhere,’ Charlie said. ‘Hold on now, before you bite my head off, I do see that it’s very hard for you. But being a parent is a thankless job so you might as well get used to it.’
‘Excuse me! I never caused you any trouble. And in case you hadn’t noticed you are currently living in my house with your pregnant girlfriend. I’ve been the adult in this relationship for as long as I can remember.’
‘It’s amazing how people’s memories fade. Who was it that came in and entertained you every night when you were in hospital with jaundice for two months when you were ten? Who was it who drove you to hospital when you went into labour with Sarah and you couldn’t get in touch with Paul? Who was it who held your hand and sat with you for two days while the doctors tried to save Paul’s life after the shooting? Who moved in and looked after the girls while you nursed Paul better? Who –’
‘OK. I get the point and you’re right. You’ve always been there for me. I’m sorry, Charlie. It’s obviously a never-ending cycle of children blaming parents that goes from generation to generation.’
‘Ah, yes, but when you get to my age, you get your own back. You move in with your child and they feel obliged look after you.’ He grinned.
Sarah’s head popped around the door. ‘Just so we’re clear, Mum, you and Dad are not moving in with me when you’re old and wrinkly. There is no way I’m having you cramping my style. It’s an old folks’ home for you.’
‘Charming,’ I said.
She came in and sat beside us on the couch. ‘Seriously, Mum, I’m not being mean but once I get my own place, I’m not sharing it with you and Dad. We’ve lived together long enough. Space is a good thing.’
‘I agree,’ I said. ‘Are you OK after this morning?’
‘Yeah – and I don’t regret anything I said. It was good for Ali and me to let loose. She needs someone to tell her what a pain in the arse she’s being and she obviously had some things she needed to get off her chest.’
‘Are you upset about anything she said?’
‘I think her accusing me of being selfish was way over the top and I don’t agree with it. But she was right about one thing. I shouldn’t have snogged Bobby in front of her just after she got dumped. It was thoughtless.’
‘Well, thanks for coming and I do think it was healthy that you both got so much out but I hope you’re not going to stay angry. I hope you’ll make up with her, because she needs you, Sarah.’
‘Don’t worry, Mum, I’m not going to get the hump and ignore her. But I’m not talking to her today. I’ll call her tomorrow when she’s calmed down.’
Nadia came in and flopped into a chair. ‘Oh, my Gods, I so sick. This baby kill me.’
‘It’s just morning sickness. It’ll pass,’ I assured her.
‘You no understand. I dying.’
‘I’ve had two children, Nadia. I know what morning sickness feels like. It’s not great, but it’s temporary.’
‘Must be a boy. Only man can give me so much pain,’ she moaned, as she popped another chocolate biscuit into her mouth.
‘Hey, Nadia, where’s my dress? I need to try it on. The play is, like, six days away,’ Sarah reminded her.
Nadia made a big song and dance of getting up off her chair to fetch the dress. She returned with a tiny spangly piece of material.
Sarah jumped up. ‘It looks cool. I’m going to try it on.’
‘It’s very short,’ I said.
‘She say she wants to haff legs out, so I makes it short.’
Sarah came back in. The dress was essentially a pair of togs with lots of sequins and glittery stones sewn onto it. It had a little chiffon skirt that went down to mid-thigh and a piece of chiffon draped over one shoulder. She looked like a cross between a burlesque dancer and a Roman slave.
‘Ohmigod, I am so hot!’ she squealed. ‘Nadia, you did a great job. It’s amazing.’
‘I tell you I fery good.’
‘It’s very revealing,’ I said.
‘Hello! It’s practically down to my knees.’
‘Your dad will go mad when he sees it,’ I warned her. ‘You know how he feels about very short skirts.’
‘He’s not going to see it until I’m on the stage, so it’s not going to be a problem.’
‘It needs to be longer.’
‘Mum,’ Sarah said, eyeballing me, ‘this is a really important event for me. I’ve never worked so hard on anything before. I’m the lead role and I need to look incredible. Clare, who is, like, playing the Nurse – who is actually supposed to be a nanny but the Shakespeare guy obviously got mixed up and called her Nurse – anyway, Clare is wearing an actual nurse’s uniform, but not like a real nurse. It’s a sexy nurse’s outfit she got on the Internet.’
‘Surely your teacher won’t allow that.’
‘He hasn’t seen it. None of the girls are showing him their costumes. They’re all wearing really short minis and stuff. Mine will actually be the longest by miles.’
‘What’s Bobby wearing?’ I asked.
‘He wanted to wear his rugby kit but I said no way. So he’s wearing a really tight white T-shirt that says “Romeo Rocks” on the front and shows off his muscles and his tan. And then he’s wearing Lycra cycling leggings that make his bum look so hot. And then he’s got, like, this really cool studded belt with a sword around his waist.’
‘That sounds really, uhm, really modern,’ I said.
‘It’s going to be the best play ever. And me and Bobby are going to be the stars. I’d better go and learn my lines. “Parting is such sweet sorrow,” ’ she finished theatrically as she exited the room.
‘Paul’s going to flip when he sees that outfit.’
‘Let her be. Isn’t it great to see her so enthusiastic about something?’ Charlie said.
‘You’re right. It is. I can’t wait to see the play – how are we going to keep straight faces? Lycra leggings! Shakespeare will be turning in his grave.’
That evening my phone rang. ‘Hi, Mum, it’s me, Ali.’ She sounded nervous.
‘Hi, how are you doing? Are you OK after the session this morning?’
‘Actually, that’s what I’m calling about. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.’
‘I’m just glad you got all that anger out.’
‘I feel bad about some of the stuff I said. I just kind of went mad.’
‘It’s OK, Ali, I’m not upset.’
‘Is Dad?’
‘No, he’s fine too.’
‘What about Sarah?’
‘You know Sarah – it’s like water off a duck’s back.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, pet, I am. I don’t want you to worry about anything. The session was actually very helpful. It’s important for us to know why you’re angry and where we made mistakes. It’ll help us all move forward.’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ she said, beginning to cry. ‘You’re so great. I was really worried that you’d all hate me.’
‘Ali, we love you. We will always love you no matter what you say or do.’
‘It’s just that Emily only has her mother and she’s not really able to cope with her. She says her mum only calls her once a week and sometimes she doesn’t come to visit her for ages. And I was scared I might have alienated you all today.’
‘Oh, Ali, you could never do that. I promise you I’ll always be here for you – and so will your dad, Sarah and Charlie.’
‘I uh … uh … uh …’ she sobbed ‘… just feel really lucky to have a normal family and I don’t want to push you away.’
‘You haven’t pushed anyone away. Now, please, there’s nothing to cry about. We love you and we think you’re wonderful and we’re here for you all the time. We’re going to get through this, Ali. Everything is going to be OK.’
‘Thanks, Mum. I’d better go now – I love you all.’
I hung up and cried – not the usual desperate tears: these were tinged with hope.
39
A few days later, Donna phoned me. She had been to see Ali the evening before. ‘I just wanted to tell you that I thought she was a bit better today.’
‘Really? That’s great.’ I was thrilled to hear this. Any improvement made my hopes soar.
‘I brought her in some stuff to decorate her room – you know, just some posters and photos.’
‘Ah, Donna, you’re very thoughtful.’
‘It’s no big deal. But she seemed pleased. We were looking through the photos and there were a few from our school trip to Paris. It was brilliant and Ali looks gorgeous in the pictures, so I thought they might remind her of when she was happy and healthy. I think it kind of worked because she perked up a bit. And then I told her about David.’
‘What about him?’ I didn’t like the sound of this. I didn’t want anyone mentioning David around Ali. I was afraid it would set her off again. I wanted her to forget him and his stupid skinny girlfriend.
‘He’s broken up with Tracy. He got bored with her because she’s so thick and all she wanted to talk about was modelling or the calorie content in food.’
‘Oh.’ That sounded good. If Ali thought David had dumped his girlfriend because she was obsessed with food, maybe she’d stop her own obsessing. ‘What did Ali say?’
‘Not much, but I could see she was thrilled. She was just worried about David thinking she was in a loony bin, but I told her Sarah had done an amazing job in school telling everyone that Ali had nervous exhaustion from studying too much and that she’d gone to a top-secret clinic where all the celebrities go for a rest.’
‘Do the other kids really believe it?’
‘Some people have guessed it’s anorexia, but Sarah’s pretty convincing. Anyway, I told Ali about Stephen Green’s eighteenth birthday party, which is in March. It’s going to be mega, so I said that maybe she should focus on trying to get well for that. It’d be so cool if she could come to it. She seemed excited so maybe she’ll eat more now.’
‘Donna, you’re a star. Thanks so much for doing that. You really are an amazing friend. I owe you.’
‘It’s no problem. I’m happy to help.’
I hung up on a high. Maybe this would prompt the breakthrough Ali needed. Good old Donna.
The day got even better when Ali called to tell me she had just eaten a small scoop of low-fat chocolate ice cream. It wasn’t exactly steak and chips, but she was volunteering to eat food she’d liked before the anorexia had set in, which was a really positive step.
‘That’s fantastic, Ali, I’m thrilled. I’m so proud of you,’ I said.
‘Thanks, Mum. Thanks for supporting me,’ she said, beginning to sob.
‘Oh, Ali, don’t cry, this is great news.’
‘It’s not that – I’m just so worried about Emily.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She’s really depressed and I’m scared she’s going to hurt herself again.’
‘That’s for the nurses and doctors to deal with. You can’t start worrying about that. You need to focus on yourself and your recovery.’
‘I am, but Emily’s my friend and she’s really down.’
I suddenly remembered the family session when Mary had said, ‘Sometimes you just need to listen.’ I bit my tongue and didn’t tell Ali to forget about Emily, to ignore Emily, to shut the door on Emily and focus on her own problems. I didn’t say that taking on someone else’s issues right now was not a good idea. I didn’t tell her to find a friend who was getting better and not one who was getting worse … I shut up and listened.
‘I’m sorry to hear she’s down. What happened today?’
Ali told me that Emily had stopped by her room for a chat, as she did every morning, but this time she’d seemed particularly blue.
‘I’ve lost a pound and three-quarters so they’re putting me back on bed-rest.’ She wept as she hopped around Ali’s room.
‘Oh, Emily, I’m so sorry.’
‘I can’t bear it, Alison. I can’t go back on bed-rest – I just can’t. I’
ll never get out of here. I’m trying really hard, but the hopping is out of control. I wish I could stop. I’m so tired, my legs are in agony, but I just can’t. I hate my life. I’ll be stuck here for ever.’
‘No, you won’t – this is just a setback.’
‘My whole life is made up of setbacks.’
‘Come on, Emily. Look, I’ve put on weight. And if I can do it, so can you. Just eat a little more every day. Two good days’ eating and you’ll be OK again.’
She shook her head sadly. ‘It’s my third time back in here. I can’t seem to survive outside the clinic. I’ve tried so hard, but I just can’t do it. I get so scared when I’m making my own lunches. Everything looks so big and fattening. It’s easier in here where everything is measured for you. It’s so hard on your own and it’s easy not to eat when no one is supervising you. I just can’t do it.’
‘I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t we try to get out of here at the same time and then we can help each other when we’re at home? Maybe we could have the same meal plan. That would work really well. We could call each other every night to check how we’re doing.’
‘I’d just drag you down. I’m a hopeless case.’
‘No, you’re not. You’re a brilliant person who deserves a break. I know you don’t have much support at home so I’d be glad to help.’
‘Thanks. You’re really nice to offer but I know you’ll be out of here long before me and getting on with your life.’
‘We both need to be out of here and getting on with our lives. Look at this photo.’ Ali showed Emily one of her and Donna in Paris. ‘That’s what we need to get back to. Happy times when food didn’t control our lives. Come on, we’ll do it together. I’ll help you.’
‘You’re a really sweet person and I know you want to help, but the only person who can save me is me, and I’m not strong enough.’
‘Don’t say that. You are strong – look at all the crap you’ve had to deal with in your life and how well you’ve done it.’
Pieces of My Heart Page 28
