‘Should I keep having dinner with her on my own? Or should we start having family meals again?’ I asked.
‘I would say stick with just the two of you while she’s first home, and then as she grows in confidence you can think about introducing her to full family meals again. But go slowly and take your cue from her. If you feel that eating alone with her every night is getting too much for you, maybe Paul could do it every second night, so you both have a break. You don’t want to get worn out. As I’ve said to you before, anorexia nervosa can be a very frustrating illness and recovery is slow. You must avoid criticism and try to express positive sentiments as often as possible. But you must also set limits, and if Alison is behaving badly and refusing to eat, you must tackle it head on. Choose your words very carefully.’
‘Can you give us an example?’ Paul asked. ‘I’m worried about saying the wrong thing.’
‘If Alison is refusing to eat or talk to you, sit her down, look her in the eye and tell her why you’re upset: “Alison, I’m upset because you’re refusing to talk to me and eat your dinner. Can we please sit down and discuss it so that we can help each other understand what’s going on?” ’ Mary suggested.
‘Jesus, you’d need a degree in political negotiation for this,’ Paul said.
‘Patience will be your best friend. If you can try to remain calm, you’ll be OK. Just remember to separate Alison from her eating disorder. Your anger should not be directed at your daughter, but towards her illness. If things are getting on top of you and you feel yourself getting angry, leave the room and go for a short walk or something to cool down.’
‘I’d say I’ll be doing a lot of laps of the block,’ Paul admitted.
‘We’ll be OK,’ I said, holding his hand. ‘We can do this.’
‘So far you’ve done a great job,’ Mary told us. ‘I wish that all the parents of the girls in here were so committed and supportive. I have no doubt that Alison will thrive. There will be occasional hiccups along the way, but if you can weather these, she’ll continue to get better. Now, all I can say is the very best of luck and if you need to see me to talk anything else through, just make an appointment and I’ll help you in any way I can.’
I stood up and gave her a hug. Previously we had only ever shaken hands. ‘Thank you so much for helping us understand this cursed disease, for showing us how to put right the mistakes we made, but most of all for helping our daughter and saving her life. You’ve been wonderful.’
‘I second that,’ Paul said. ‘We owe you a deep debt of gratitude.’
‘Not at all. I’m just doing my job,’ Mary said, embarrassed. ‘It’s been a pleasure – you’re a lovely family. I wish you every success.’
After that we spent an hour with Denise going through Ali’s meal plan for the next two weeks. It would be controlled and changed every fortnight until she had put on another half-stone and she felt able to manage all her decisions about food herself.
‘We have no way of knowing how long it will take for Alison to reach independence. Some of the girls leave here and are managing their own meals within six weeks, but most take longer – some a lot longer. Alison is still very nervous about food, so we’ll keep a close eye on her for the moment. Any questions or problems, just call me.’
We thanked Denise profusely for all her help too. Then we went to get Ali and bring her home.
She was perched on the edge of her bed with her coat on, looking nervous.
‘Well, pet, it’s finally here, you’re coming home.’ I sat beside her and put my arm around her. ‘How do you feel?’
‘I’m really excited but a little scared.’
‘Of course you are, it’s a big day, but we’re going to be here for you every step of the way,’ Paul said.
‘Thanks.’
‘Now, come on, let’s get the hell out of here.’ Paul picked Ali’s suitcase up and held out his other hand. She stood up and took it. ‘Have a last look, Ali, because you’re never coming back here again.’
‘Let’s go,’ she said, and we walked out. None of us looked back.
56
Ali came home on 13 March. For the next two weeks she was going to stay at home and get used to being out of the clinic before she went back to school. I took two weeks off work to help her readjust. Sally was very understanding, as always. If Ali could manage at school, I’d be able to continue working. Otherwise, I’d have to give it up, which I really didn’t want to do because it was my sanctuary from the madness at home.
It was a game of wait and see. The first week went quite well. She ate all her meals with me, and although there were some days when she didn’t finish what she was supposed to, she generally stuck to her meal plan. Each meal took an hour and there were times when I wanted to shout at her to hurry up, but I remembered what Mary had said about remaining calm.
In the second week, Paul offered to sit with Ali at dinner. I could see he was really nervous, but when I heard laughter coming from the kitchen, I knew things were all right. When Charlie offered to have two dinners with her a week, we began to get a rhythm going and I felt less burdened. Even Sarah was being nice and offered to give Ali a spray tan so that she’d look good going back to school.
I drove Ali to the clinic every Friday for her weigh-in, her session with Mary and her meeting with the dietician. She put on no weight the first week and half a pound the second, which they seemed happy with. As long as she wasn’t losing weight it was OK.
The weekend before she was due back in school, I took the two girls shopping. I wanted to buy Ali something really nice for Stephen Green’s party. I could see it was a big deal for her to go and I wanted to make sure she looked her best.
All the dresses she tried on were too big. I tried not to get upset when size eight looked huge on her tiny frame. Eventually we found one that looked lovely on her – it was aquamarine with silver beading and it really brought out the colour of her eyes. The woman in the shop pinned it back so we could see what it would look like when it was taken in. She was still painfully thin. The shop assistant kindly promised to have it ready for Friday. Ali seemed really pleased. It was only when we left the shop that I realized how nervous I had been. I was terrified that we wouldn’t be able to find Ali something to wear and she’d have a melt-down and stop eating again. I breathed a silent sigh of relief and felt my shoulders relax.
‘Can we get my jeans now?’ Sarah begged.
‘I need a cup of coffee first,’ I said, feeling weary.
‘Typical,’ Sarah fumed. ‘We’ve been to ten shops with Ali and tried on a zillion dresses but now you’re too tired to get my jeans.’
‘Is it too much to ask that you give me ten minutes?’
‘Forget it – just give me the money and I’ll get them myself. I know exactly which ones I want. I’m not a freaking beanpole, so they’ll fit me and I won’t need to get them taken in.’
‘Sarah!’ I hissed. ‘I said I’d get you the jeans and I will. What difference does ten minutes make?’
‘I always have to play second to Ali and I’m sick of it. She’s home now, she seems to be normal, so why do we still have to tiptoe around to make sure that she’s happy before anyone else gets a look-in?’ she ranted.
Before I had a chance to tell her off, Ali jumped in. ‘OK, enough fighting. Mum, go and sit down and have a coffee. I’ll go with Sarah to get her jeans.’ Then, to Sarah, she said firmly, ‘Sarah, if you make any more comments about my weight or whether I seem “normal” or not, I’ll wallop you.’
Sarah looked shocked. I silently cheered for my elder daughter. She was taking control and expressing her emotions – fantastic!
Sarah found her voice. ‘Jesus, Ali, relax. I was only joking.’
‘Sometimes your jokes are hurtful and someone needs to tell you.’
‘Did they teach you to be all bossy in the loony bin?’
‘The clinic taught me to stand up for myself and express how I feel,’ Ali snapped.
‘Ke
ep your hair on – there’s no need to get huffy about little things.’
‘Describing the clinic as a loony bin is not a little thing. It’s insulting and degrading to me and the other patients in there,’ Ali stated.
Sarah stared at her. ‘I didn’t mean to insult you, Ali. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s OK – come on, let’s get those jeans. I’m dying to see them.’
I sat back and watched my two daughters walking down the street to the next shop, and grinned. I was thrilled to see Ali standing up for herself. She had never done that before. She really was a different person, but in a good way – in a way that would make her stronger, more confident and improve her life. It was going to take Sarah a while to adjust to this new assertive sister, I thought, smiling to myself.
I sat down and sipped my coffee. Something felt different. What was it? I suddenly realized that this was the first time I could remember in so long that I didn’t have a knot in my stomach. I didn’t feel sick. I felt calm, hopeful. Even – dare I say it? – happy. I sank back in my chair and savoured the moment.
A few days later there was another milestone. Charlie’s apartment was ready and he was moving in. His furniture had been taken out of storage and delivered the day before. We all drove over with him, helped him unpack his clothes and hang up pictures and photos. When we were finished and the place looked more homely, I opened a bottle of champagne to toast him.
‘To Charlie, wishing you all the happiness in the world in your new home, and if you ever get lonely, come back and stay. We’ll really miss you. You’ve been brilliant – I don’t know what I would have done without you.’ I began to get emotional.
‘Good luck, Charlie, and thanks for everything over the last few months. You’ve been a huge help to all of us,’ Paul said.
‘I hope you’ll be really happy here, Charlie,’ Ali said. ‘You deserve it. Thanks for being so great to me while I was in the clinic.’
‘Charlie,’ Sarah said, raising her glass, ‘it’s not going to be the same without you. You’ve been my granddad and my surrogate sibling while Ali was in the clinic and my fill-in parent at the school play and my best friend. It’s going to be really boring without you around. You totally rock.’
‘Stop now or you’ll start me off,’ Charlie said. ‘It’s all of you I want to thank. Paul, for welcoming me into his home and not minding the chaos I caused. Ali, for making me realize how precious life is and how we need to look out for each other and mind each other. Sarah, for always making me laugh, for being my partner in crime, my right-hand girl, and for saving me from myself – and Nadia. But most of all you, Ava, my baby girl, for inviting me to live with you, for looking after me, looking out for me, worrying about me, feeding me, clothing me, putting up with my antics and house-guests and for being so good to me while your own life was being turned upside-down. You’re one in a million.’
I went over and hugged him. My father – the maverick, the trail-blazer, the lunatic, the sweetest man, the kindest heart, the maddest notions.
57
As we drove home from Charlie’s apartment, my phone beeped. It was a text from Sally:
‘Sally said she’s sorted it out,’ I said quietly to Paul – the girls were chatting in the back of the car.
‘Well, that’s great. What did she decide?’
‘I don’t know. She said she’ll fill me in tomorrow. But I’m guessing she’s given in and agreed to try for a baby. I really think it’s the wrong decision.’
Paul shrugged. ‘Maybe there is no wrong decision. Maybe it’s just what you make of your decision and how you deal with it that counts.’
‘I never thought of it like that.’
‘Impressed, huh?’
‘Very.’ I grinned.
‘What are you two whispering about?’ Sarah demanded.
‘None of your business,’ Paul said.
‘Is Sally going to have Simon’s kid?’ she asked me.
‘I don’t know. I’ll find out tomorrow.’
‘I don’t think she should,’ Ali piped up.
‘Why not?’ I was curious.
‘Because if you just do things to please other people you won’t necessarily make yourself happy and that can lead to problems.’
‘Duh, I figured that out when I was three,’ Sarah drawled.
When we got home the girls went upstairs. Sarah was helping Ali to get ready for Stephen Green’s party. She was doing her makeup.
Paul and I sat in the lounge, having a glass of wine, reading the papers. We could hear squealing from the bathroom.
‘It’s great to hear them having fun,’ Paul said.
I smiled at him. ‘It’s a sound that’s been missing for a while.’
‘Are you OK about Charlie moving out?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll really miss him but I’m also glad to have the house to ourselves. I’m keen to get normality and structure back to our lives. It’s been so mad for the last few months that I’m craving peace and calm. Besides, he’s only a ten-minute drive away.’
‘That’s true and he’ll actually be moving back in next weekend to keep an eye on things.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
Paul handed me an envelope. It contained a return ticket to Paris. ‘I’m taking you on a long-overdue weekend away. We’re going to Paris for two nights and we’re staying in the Hôtel de Verger – do you remember it? It’s the one in the converted abbey near the Luxembourg Gardens. I’ve booked the same room with the balcony. If the weather’s nice, we can have breakfast there looking across the city.’
I stared at him.
‘Say something.’
I shook my head.
‘Are you pleased? I thought it was a good idea, kind of like a full circle. Ali was conceived there and now she’s back home after being so sick and I figured that it’d be a good place to celebrate.’
I put my head in my hands and bawled.
‘Jesus, Ava, I didn’t mean to upset you. Look, I’ll cancel it – we can go at a later date. Maybe it’s too soon after Ali coming home.’
‘Nooooo,’ I sobbed. ‘It’s … it’s … it’s my favourite place. It’s … it’s … my favourite memory. It’s perfect.’
‘Thank God for that. You gave me a fright,’ he said, taking me in his arms. ‘I thought I’d really upset you.’
‘Not sad tears, happy tears,’ I muttered into his jumper. ‘It’s just wonderful.’
‘I love you, Ava,’ he whispered into my ear.
‘Ditto,’ I said, wiping my eyes and kissing him.
‘Oh, puuurlease, get a room.’ Sarah came in as we were mid-kiss.
‘Get used to it. There’s going to be a lot more of it going on.’ Paul winked at me.
‘Teenagers do not want to see their parents snogging – it’s gross.’
‘Well, then, you’d better learn to knock before barging in.’ I laughed.
‘Whatever. Now, are you ready to see Ali’s incredible transformation?’
‘Absolutely,’ I said.
‘Prepare to be blown away. I’m a genius at make-overs.’
Sarah led us out to the hall and called Ali. She came out of the bathroom and walked down the stairs.
Paul wolf-whistled. She looked so pretty, young and excited. Sarah had actually done a great job with the makeup. Ali didn’t look washed out, she looked healthy. Her eyes sparkled for the first time in months.
‘Isn’t she totally hot?’ Sarah asked.
‘You’re a vision of loveliness,’ Paul gushed.
‘Beautiful,’ I agreed.
‘Stop – you’ll make me cry and I can’t ruin my makeup.’ Ali laughed.
‘Don’t you dare cry – it took me ages to get your eye-shadow right,’ Sarah warned.
The doorbell rang. It was Bobby. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Ali. ‘Dude, you look amazing,’ he enthused.
‘Thanks,’ Ali said, blushing at all the attention.
‘Your hot whe
els are here, ladies,’ Bobby said, swinging his car keys.
‘What do you mean?’ Ali asked.
‘I knew this was a really big deal for you, so I asked Bobby to borrow his dad’s Ferrari so you could arrive at the party in total style. Everyone is going to be so jealous.’ Sarah beamed.
‘Are you sure that’s OK?’ Ali asked Bobby.
‘Totally. I’m happy to do it. Sarah told me she wanted it, and you know how hard she is to say no to,’ he said. Then, to Paul, he added, ‘Although I’m working on saying no to her more often, Mr M.’
‘Good lad. It gets easier with practice,’ Paul told him.
‘Have a lovely time, pet,’ I said, kissing Ali on the cheek. ‘Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.’
She put her arms around me and whispered in my ear, ‘Thanks, Mum, for everything. I would never have made it without you. I love you.’
I choked back tears as my beautiful first-born walked out of the door back into the real world to embrace the life she could have lost.
58
The next day, I went to meet Sally for lunch. I had booked her favourite restaurant – Le Petit Loup. When she arrived I had a bottle of champagne waiting on ice.
‘What’s all this in aid of?’ she asked, delighted.
‘It’s for two reasons. It’s to thank you for being such an amazing friend to me over the last few months and allowing me to ear-bash you about my woes on a daily basis. And I wanted to congratulate you properly on being engaged.’
She grinned. ‘I’ll drink to that.’
‘So, how are things?’
‘Brilliant! We spent hours together yesterday just talking and crying and baring our souls. It was the most incredibly raw and draining conversation I’ve ever had. We put all our cards on the table, complete honesty. He told me his hopes, dreams and wishes and I told him mine. He said he didn’t want to lose me, but he did want children. I said I didn’t want to lose him, but I couldn’t bring a child I didn’t want into the world for anyone. It was cruel and unfair. As usual we went around in circles for hours. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much. I actually felt dehydrated.’
Pieces of My Heart Page 41
