“I see,” I replied. “Was this something you always wanted to do from a young age?”
Ricky went quiet then. He looked at me and I saw a moment of silence in those eyes as he sipped his wine. Then it was gone and he glanced away momentarily. When he looked back at me, he had a serious look there, but it was softening. “Yeah, I’ve just always gravitated towards it.”
Then he was silent for a few moments. I wondered what he was hiding. What was he afraid to tell me? There was something in his eyes that I could see right then. My question had led him to tap into something painful in his mind and then he’d dismissed it. I couldn’t help but be curious to what was troubling him, but I wasn’t going to pry.
He looked at me then and leaned forward slightly. “How about you? What have you always wanted to do? What is your goal?”
“I want to be an artist,” I said. “Ever since I was a kid, that’s all I’ve ever really wanted to do with my life.”
“So, where are you with making that happen? I can only imagine how competitive that is.”
I sighed. “Yeah, it’s tough. I wanted to go to art school after high school, but I wasn’t selected.”
“Ah, that’s rough. Now aren’t there other things you can do in the field of art without a degree?”
“Yes, but as you said it is very difficult and it takes years to make your way sometimes. And during that time, I would love to have a day job where I could teach art and spend my days talking about art. It’s my biggest love and I would just love to immerse myself in it all ways. But at the same time, I love being a nanny and working with kids.”
“That’s great,” Ricky said. “You should always do what you love to do. I didn’t get a chance to go to college either, at least not seriously.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I took two years of community college classes, but I was really not sure what in the world I was doing there. I think I mostly went there for my parents.”
“What were you studying then?”
“I was pursuing a degree in psychology,” Ricky said.
“Interesting. I’m not sure I could imagine you as a psychologist,” I replied.
“What? Are you saying that I’m mental or something?”
I laughed. “No, but I just don’t see you being content to sit down for a living. You seem like you are the kind of guy who has to be in motion all the time.”
“Very true. You have a very astute mind there.”
I tried to play it cool and not blush at his compliments, but in my mind was the image of me sliding my tongue along his ripped midsection and inching my way towards his crown jewels that I desperately wanted to give attention to. This was brutal to be so close to him and connecting with him in such a way, but I knew I could do nothing to act on these feelings. I wanted to scream. Somehow I was able to hold my feelings back. “Thanks,” I said. That was all I could manage.
“Thanks for being so wonderful with Zoe,” Ricky said. “And thanks for the great company to me.”
I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right, but that’s what he’d said. Was I being overly optimistic in wanting the reciprocation of my feelings to the point I was turning everything he said into a compliment to me, or was he actually flirting with me? Was he even aware of it? Or were his thoughts and feelings betraying his intentions as well?
“No problem,” I said. “Thanks for giving me a chance. But I should really be going.”
“Sure,” he replied. A very brief look of sadness spread across his face. Then it was gone.
Ricky walked me to the door, talking as we did so. “That was very nice,” he said. “Thanks so much. Dinner was phenomenal. And Zoe really has a strong connection with you.”
“Thanks. I think so. She is wonderful,” I replied.
We stood there standing at the door for a few moments. It felt awkward, as if this was the ending of a date or something. I could tell that Ricky also sensed it as he shifted his weight uneasily back and forth from one foot to the other.
“Ok, well I’ll see you tomorrow at the same time?” Ricky asked.
“Sure, that sounds great. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
The door closed behind me and I walked to my car. I almost felt like I was walking on air. I knew I was in trouble. And the trouble was deep.
I could definitely see that Ricky was feeling awkward about things as well. That had to mean that he felt that same connection with me. I was not crazy or imagining anything. It was real. And that made spending time with Ricky alone all the more dangerous. It could so easily turn into a sweet romance. Maybe something much more.
There was no denying it any longer--I was falling head over heels in love with Ricky Buckman.
Chapter Seven
Ricky
I poured myself a whiskey and sat down on the couch to take it easy for a moment; the sweet meal that Julie had just fixed was resting nicely in my stomach. She was an amazing cook. It was possibly the best spaghetti I’d ever tasted. I figured I’d get to that at some point. It had been a while since I’d had someone cook for me. Amanda and I used to split the cooking duties. She tolerated what I fixed. I’ve never been a budding chef, but I can warm up things in the oven like nobody’s business.
I turned on the television and flipped it around until I found a ball game. I wasn’t really interested and turned it off after a few minutes. I felt weird, a bit strange. I was not used to these feelings. I was tired after the day I’d had, but after spending time with Julie, I was really excited. I was almost floating a bit and I had a hard time sitting still.
I wanted to rush after her and beg her to stay for a while, talk and have a few drinks, maybe watch a movie together. And if things progressed, we could have made sweet love to each other. Wow, I couldn’t believe how much I felt for this woman I’d barely met. She was wonderful in the position I need filled, and now I was seeing how much more she could add to my life.
But none of that would have been professional or appropriate. Then again, when had I given a damn about such things? The old me, the guy who had met Amanda when we first entered our whirlwind courtship and gotten married after what most would consider a very brief dating period, had been lost inside of me somewhere along the line. Mostly right after my wife had died.
I felt guilty about having these feelings for another woman. But I knew it was wrong to feel guilty. Amanda wouldn’t have wanted me to put my life on hold because she was no longer here. She would live on in my heart forever and always be close to me, but I was not meant to be alone. If the roles were reversed and I’d met my untimely end at such a young age, I would have wanted her to move on and be happy as well.
And Julie had gotten under my skin. She was the type of woman that I’d been dreaming about (on the rare occasion that I did dream). Usually, I would wake up covered in sweat from those voyages into my subconscious. Sometimes they would be erotic, and other times those dreams would be just vague and even mundane. A lot of the time they didn’t even make any sense.
“Wow, my head is full of twisted things tonight,” I said raising the whiskey glass to my lips and taking a nice, full drink. It was one of my few vices, and after a long day I enjoyed that sweet burn of it going down.
Julie’s beautiful face was stuck like a flash after flash repeating in my head. Little snippets of things she said, of the way she did things—she was different than Amanda had been. In fact, in a lot of ways they were opposites, which was another reason I was stunned to be having so many feelings for her already.
Or was I just lonely? Was that it? I was lonely, and Julie checked enough of the right boxes for my brain to create that attraction in my life and it was now causing me massive grief.
I laughed as I thought about it. She was my employee. I couldn’t stand the idea that I might mess things up and make her uncomfortable so that she started looking for another job. Zoe loved her. The two had a great bond already. It was so sweet that Zoe wanted Julie to do bedtime with
her.
I tried to work this out, but I decided that I needed to just talk to someone, if for no other reason than to get rid of some of the noise in my head. I grabbed my phone and called Ben.
“Hey, man,” Ben replied. “I was just thinking about you.”
“Should I be worried? Are you getting too attached to me?” I teased.
“That may be it. I might have to have that talk with Becky and tell her that our bromance has evolved.”
“I think she will be ok. Just let her down gently.”
Ben chuckled. “So, what’s going on? Surprised to hear from you this late.”
“Nothing, just bored. The house is too quiet. Kid’s asleep. Long day. You know, the usual.”
“Ah, I get that. I think that is one of the reasons I play pool late at night when everyone else is in bed. I’m a night owl but I hate when everything is so quiet. So, the clanging of the balls kind of keeps me company.”
“Right. I do not have the luxury of the pool table.”
“Well, you could get one of those smaller ones and put it in the garage, but you won’t park your precious pickup truck outside.”
“Hey, the pickup is my baby.”
“Well, that’s sad in itself. A grown man being so attached to an automobile. And it’s not even that great of a truck. How many miles are on that thing? A hundred thousand?”
“Ninety-eight. It’s a classic.”
“Nobody else thinks that,” Ben said.
I took another drink and sank deeper into my couch.
“So, how is Julie working out?” Ben asked.
“Ah, she is good. Zoe loves her. I appreciate you guys recommending her to me.”
“Absolutely,” he said. “No problem. Always glad to help out. So, did you ask her out yet?”
I laughed. “Give it a rest.”
“What? She is attractive. She is smart, fun, and I know you have noticed these things about her.”
“Well, that may be true, but I’m still not going to go there.”
Ben sighed. “Why not?”
“What? Do you and Becky have some kind of a bet or something? It sounds like you really want me to get with this woman.”
“Ok, I guess you have us figured out. I bet you would be married within the week.”
I smirked and rolled my eyes even though Ben couldn’t see either one. “You are crazy. I know you’re joking.”
“True, but Becky really did think you two would hit it off and the sparks would immediately start flying between you guys.”
I then heard Becky murmuring in the background before she got on the phone. “Ricky, dear, what is your major malfunction?”
I laughed. “I wasn’t aware that I had one.”
“Yeah, something is wrong with you if you don’t take advantage of this opportunity. This is an amazing story. Every great love has a wonderful story of how they met.”
“Is that your angle? You want us to get together so we can have this great story to tell at your Christmas party every year? That’s what you are getting at? That’s a lot of effort just for that, I hate to tell you.”
“What? It will be great to tell everyone.”
“I’m just not ready to dive into the dating world,” I said. “I’m too broken. I can’t subject someone to all of my crazy baggage. It wouldn’t be fair to them.”
She sighed loudly in my ear with a little grunt at the end. “Fine. I tried. That’s all I can do.”
“Sorry to disappoint you. Hey, Ben do you want to go see the game tomorrow?” I asked.
Ben paused a moment as if asking his wife if it was ok. I heard Becky murmuring and Ben murmuring back as I waited for a response to a very basic question.
“Um, yeah. Sure, man,” Ben said. “We can do that. The Braves are in town, right?”
“That’s right.”
“Great. Sounds fun,” he said.
“Cool. I’ll buy the tickets and you can pay me for yours tomorrow. I’ll pick you up in my sweet ride.”
“Sounds good,” Ben replied.
I ended the phone call a few minutes later. I’d hoped some fun conversation would cheer me up out of this funk, and it had at first, but then it had quickly turned to my dating life. I knew my friends were just trying to help, but enough already. I really didn’t need anyone meddling in my personal life.
But they had a few good points. I did feel something strong for Julie. I wanted to just ask her out, maybe take her out to dinner, and see where the conversation led, but it was too much, too soon. We barely knew each other, and though I felt as if I’d known her for a long time already, I knew that it was unlikely she felt the same about me.
“What are you going to do?” I asked softly out loud as I poured myself another drink. Two was usually my limit. It was enough to feel relaxed and to ensure that I was still being responsible about things. I’d seen my uncle Harris drink himself into oblivion and with the pain I’d been carrying around the past few years, I knew that it could very well be me if I wasn’t careful. I had a daughter to raise; I had to stay healthy for her no matter what.
I was worried as could be though. It was kind of funny, and I couldn’t stop laughing at myself as I sipped the whiskey, but it was also kind of serious. I wasn’t sure how I might feel with Julie being around all the time. I was sure this attraction to her was only going to grow and get deeper inside of me over time, but I wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize her job, or her budding relationship with Zoe. She needed a great woman in her life.
I also needed a great woman in my life. Sitting there together at dinner was the first time in a long time that it had felt like a family lived here. It was nice, comforting. I just wanted it back so badly.
But I couldn’t force it. Yet, with Julie it just didn’t feel forced. It felt natural. It felt normal. And it had wrapped my heart up inside it’s warmth that I didn’t want to let that feeling go.
I wanted Julie. And I knew deep down inside that sooner or later I would not be able to keep from indicating that interest to her. She would either reciprocate or she would reject it. I had the feeling that she would not reject me.
I saw it when I looked into her eyes when we first met. There was a pause between us, as if some light had clicked on inside our eyes, that recognition of mutual attraction and chemistry that just came to life instantaneously. That was the sort of thing you didn’t find very often, and when it did you usually couldn’t control it. Nature had a way of making you act and putting the right people together. When people tried to force things, that was when nature pushed back.
I finished the drink and decided to go to bed. I was tired and I was really exhausted with wrestling with my thoughts. As I laid down, I wondered what Julie was doing, what she was thinking. Was she plagued by thoughts of what might be with us? Or was I the farthest thing from her beautiful mind?
I wished she was right there beside me in the bed, her soft, curves hugging against my body while I hugged her close to me and held her gently. I could feel myself getting hard at just the imagination of her being there. My fantasy was vivid and filled with need.
I hoped that it happened. I was tired of fighting it. And it had just started. Julie had just had her first day with us and I was already going out of my mind with desire. Oh, this was proving to be monumentally tough already.
As I lay there in bed, I imagined what it would feel like for Julie to be there, lying on top of me, her body sliding over mine as we made sweet love. I wanted to enter her sweet spaces and explore the very essence of her body and her soul. I was so hard. I was so ready. I tried to close my eyes and ignore it all, but the need was too much for me.
I concentrated on taking long, deep breaths. Julie’s beautiful face was right in front of me, her sweet scent, her warmth, the inviting rush of her body gliding through the air as she moved close to me. This was a much higher level of attraction than I was used to feeling. I hadn’t felt any real want for any woman beyond recognizing that they were physically app
ealing to me, which I hardly paid much attention to anymore until now.
Reaching down inside of my boxer shorts, I grabbed my growing, hard member and began to stroke it. I imagined Julie there riding me, sliding wet over me, comforting my body and my mind as she gave me every bit of affection and sexual pleasure that I’d been craving for so long. My hand was working hard, squeezing and stroking myself from the base to the tip. At the top I would wrap my hand over the head and pull slightly to remind myself of how her sweet body would suck me in.
I could practically feel her presence there. I could hear her moans of delight, her warm, sweetness as I entered her tight, wet, opening between those sexy legs. She was riding me hard, her hips grinding on me as they came down and moving back and forth quickly up on me. Her soft ass rubbed against my arousal.
I was going to come. I could feel it.
I bit my fist as I groaned and came hard, my sweet load shooting up in the air as I imagined filling Julie’s wondrous entrance up with my loving affections.
And then it was over. I opened my eyes. I was alone there in the dark panting heavily, my hand covered with the remnants of the lust I had been building up. It was a huge load, and it had smothered my entire hand.
I grabbed some tissues from my nightstand and cleaned it off my hand. Then I threw it in the wastebasket. I thought about washing my hands with soap and water, but that required getting up. I was comfortable and finally starting to feel sleepy enough to close my eyes and get some rest while I waited for visions of Julie to leave me.
She was so perfect, so beautiful. I knew that my feelings for her would only get stronger. What was I going to do?
Chapter Eight
Julie
“Oh, yeah! This is your drink!” Tessa said placing the glass in front of me full of blue liquid. It looked fruity and delicious. But I was sure it contained about seven shots of alcohol. It was called the Painkiller for a reason.
Burning With Desire Page 6
