What Becky was saying made a lot of sense. I tried to put myself in Julie’s place and see where she was coming from. But I kept falling short. Even Becky didn’t seem to have all the answers, but she definitely helped me out. I was glad that I went to see her.
“So, what should I do?” I asked.
“You shouldn’t do anything. You can’t chase this out of her and you can’t get flustered or emotional about this. She needs you to be there for her, so you have to stay that strong guy that she fell in love with. Just give up trying to control the outcome. That is the best advice I can give you in life. There are so many things that have unpredictable endings. Relationships are often in that category.”
I nodded. “Ok. I understand. Thanks, Becky.”
I left Becky’s and went to pick up Zoe. Along the way, I thought a lot about what Becky had said. It was going to be difficult, but I knew that I needed to give Julie space right now. She had to find herself. I just needed to let her know that I was not going anywhere. I was still here if she wanted me.
But what if she didn’t want me? Was I prepared for that? What if Julie was changing her mind about wanting this in her life right now? That was definitely a strong possibility. I had to be willing to let her go. I had to be willing to not hold on too tightly. Her father had done that out of fear and I was making the same mistake with her. I was afraid of losing her, so I was smothering her back to me. That was the wrong approach.
I knew exactly how I had to handle things. I just had to have the guts to do it.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Julie
I left my last class of the day feeling drained. My professor had tried her hardest to rip apart my painting, the one I’d worked a solid week on, but I wouldn’t let her. She kept throwing things at me and I kept deflecting the criticism with sound rebuttals. The other students were staring at me in wonder while Professor Chambers’ ears literally had smoke coming out of them. That bitch was so mad by the time I was finished that she could hardly look at me. I figured it would cost me a decent grade in the class, but I was done with this place. I was so close to chucking it all in and just going home.
I was heading back to the dorm when I checked my phone and noticed I had a missed voicemail from Becky. She wanted me to call her. She said it was urgent. I quickly dialed her number. “Becky?” I asked when she answered.
“Hey, girl. What have you been up to? You can’t call nobody?”
I laughed. Becky was the craziest and most fun person I knew. I missed our talks. We’d become such good friends the past year or so. I really missed her.
“Sorry,” I said. “I’ve been crazy busy here.”
“Ah, yes. I know. You are living the life of a serious art student.”
I laughed. “I’m not so sure about that. Honestly, I was just thinking about how this all might have been a huge mistake.”
“Really? Why do you say that?”
“I’m not learning anything. The professors are all self-absorbed critics who just seem hell bent on destroying our spirits. They haven’t guided us towards anything as they promised they would.”
“That sounds pretty terrible.”
“Yeah, and I’m homesick. I miss Ricky terribly. This long distance thing has been very hard on us, but I think it’s been harder on me.”
“Really?” Becky asked. “I’m not so sure about that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Ricky talked to me. He told me about the way things are going with the two of you and how he wished that you were still home, but he also wished you all the best. The truth is, he isn’t doing that well.”
“What? Is he ok?”
“There was an accident today. There was a fire and he made a mistake that could have ended badly for him. He is ok, though. He is fine. But I know that his head is filled with so much pain since you left that he just hasn’t been the same. So, you aren’t the only one feeling this. It’s tough. Long distance relationships are always tough. But I’m sure you will both come out the other side even stronger than you were before. I have no doubt about that.”
I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Ricky… he’d almost been killed. I knew that Becky was downplaying it for my benefit. I wiped my eyes and felt my entire heart breaking into pieces. I needed to be with him. I had to go to him. This was the final straw. I knew I had to get out of there.
“I’m coming home,” I said.
“What? No, don’t do anything rash,” Becky said. “Me and my big mouth. I shouldn’t have mentioned that to you. Dammit.”
“I’m glad you did. I don’t think Ricky would have.”
“You’re probably right, and this is the reason. He knew you would freak out over this. Julie, you need to relax and stay put. You stay in school and continue to rise above. Don’t let them get you down. I know you are tougher than this.”
“I appreciate it,” I said. “But my mind is made up. School isn’t for me. I need to be home with Ricky. I… I’m leaving. I’ll see you all soon.”
I ended the call and ran to my dorm room where I immediately began packing all of my things. This was the right thing to do. I was wasting my time at school. I was learning nothing. I felt like I was basically being abused by those moronic professors and the other students. Ricky had been right all along. You can’t go to school to learn to be an artist. I was an artist. I didn’t need an institution to tell me that I was.
I was going to get my work out there on my own terms and build a fan base the right way without anyone else’s interference. It was time for me to go home. I found a flight leaving a few hours from then. I booked the flight and I scheduled an Uber to take me to the airport. I was ready to go home.
I kept thinking about Ricky and how much pain I’d caused him. He’d almost been killed because of it. I felt so guilty. Why had I treated him that way? The things I’d said and the way I went about it was totally wrong. It was wrong. I was wrong. And now I had to set things right.
I said goodbye to Angie. I knew that she would miss me. She was about the only thing that I was going to miss about this place. I thought about all the stress I’d dealt with over the past month at school. I had professors breathing down my throat every single second about something. And no matter what I did, it was considered dog shit. They were awful. I wondered if I could go to the board about them and complain. I doubted it. The board was probably full of snooty, artsy types just like them. I’d never realized it before, but so many artists were stuck up psychos who only wanted to talk about themselves and how amazing they were.
I was glad to be leaving. The moment I sat down in the Uber and headed to the airport, I felt a weight falling off my shoulders. I already felt better getting out of there. I was going home. I couldn’t wait to see Ricky and Zoe. I had let them down. That’s how I felt. But at the same time I was still proud of myself for sticking to my guns and doing something that was important to me. And I was proud of myself now for leaving of my own free will because this was not what I wanted either. I was a lot better than this. I had a life I wanted to be in control of. I had real dreams to follow.
I arrived at the airport, checked my luggage, passed through security, and then headed to my gate to wait for my flight. I wanted to call Ricky and tell him I was coming home, but I thought I’d surprise him instead. He’d been so great through all of this. The last month had been rough on us, but I knew that our love would make it through. We would get back stronger than we’d ever been before.
I hoped that Ricky didn’t expect an apology though. That was the one thing I was not prepared to do. After our fight in the park that day, we didn’t speak to each other for a few days. Then I arrived at work and we cordially patched things up. Ricky had said he would accept my decision and I could see he meant it, but from what I’d seen since then it would appear that he only half meant it. Whenever I would talk about school and how excited I was, he would smile weakly and quickly change the subject. It had become apparent that he was really
just going through the motions and pretending to support this decision.
I was glad I’d made this decision to go to school. I fully intended to focus on my career goals and I would let nothing or no one stand in my way. Ricky had to understand that, or else things between us would stay strained.
As I boarded the plane, I took one last look at New York and said goodbye. I was on my way.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ricky
It was Saturday and I had been promising to take Zoe to the park all week. She was chomping at the bit to go, so we finally decided to take off to the park. The day was beautiful. The sun was shining. Everywhere people were happily playing ball with each other, riding bikes, walking their dogs, catching some sun, and even doing some jogging. It was an atmosphere that always put a smile on my face. And right now I needed something happy in my life.
I’d expected to hear from Julie the night before, but she didn’t call. I guessed she was busy with school stuff, as usual. I could understand that. I wasn’t too bummed out by it. The conversation with Becky had really helped put things into perspective and I realized that I needed to fix what was wrong with me. I couldn’t wait for Julie to do it. I’d started doing some soul searching and I was even thinking about going to see a therapist about some of my long term issues. Maybe some grief counseling would help me get over things.
But for right now I was just trying not to be so hard on myself. I was allowed to feel what I needed to feel without being ashamed. I realized that I had been using my relationship with Julie as a distraction from my real feelings. It was a way to cloud over the pain and just focus on the good things in my life. When that was slightly altered, the pain came back. I guess it never had really gone away. I had to concentrate on that now. I had to do it for me, for Zoe, and for Julie.
I grabbed the Frisbee and gave it a toss towards Zoe. She caught it in the air and slung it right back to me. She was good and still in love with this game. “Dad, you should throw it like a discus,” Zoe said. “That’s the way that Stephanie does it.”
“I’m not sure I can manage that,” I laughed. “I wasn’t aware that Stephanie played Frisbee.”
“Yeah, she does. She is pretty good.”
“Is she better than me?” I asked.
“Yes,” Zoe laughed.
“Why didn’t you invite her to play with us?” I asked.
“I don’t know. It’s our day,” Zoe replied.
I smiled and threw the Frisbee back at her. We played this for a while. Each time Zoe tried to throw the Frisbee in a way that I wouldn’t be able to catch it. She was getting very good. I often forgot that my little girl was growing up and she was turning out to be a fairly good little athlete. She’d been talking about doing soccer and softball. I wasn’t sure I would have time to fit both of those in my schedule to be able to take her to the games or even see those games if there was a way, but I was going to try. Whatever she wanted in this world, I was going to try to do for her. She deserved it all. She was such an amazing young lady.
After we played Frisbee, I watched her ride the swing set for a bit. After that we decided it was time to get some ice cream. There was a guy riding a bike around with ice cream bars for sale. He was there almost every time that we’d been there and he was always swarmed by people. He had to have a booming business.
Zoe and I both got some ice cream sandwiches. They were the best. We sat down on a bench to eat. “So, how is school going, sweetie?” I asked Zoe. “We don’t get a chance to talk that much anymore.”
“It’s ok. Tommy Jenkins keeps being mean to me,” she said. “He pulls my hair and throws rocks at me during recess.”
“Did you tell your teacher?” I asked.
“Yes. She talked to him, but he still does it. I hate his guts.”
“Honey, he probably just likes you,” I said. “Boys your age aren’t that great at using their words. They get nervous around girls they like and I imagine he is doing this just to get your attention.”
“That’s dumb.”
I laughed. “I agree. It is dumb. But you should just ignore him and eventually he will leave you alone. If he isn’t getting a rise out of you then it isn’t any fun.”
“Ok,” Zoe replied. She finished her ice cream and stood up to stretch her legs out. “Are you ready to play some more?”
“I don’t know. Aren’t you getting tired of Frisbee?”
“No,” she said with a laugh.
“Ok. Let’s get back to it.”
We were almost back to the spot we had picked out when I noticed Zoe’s face lighting up. “Julie!”
I turned to see where Zoe was pointing. She was pointing right behind me. I spun around. Zoe was right. Julie was standing there behind me with a smile on her face. She looked incredible. Seeing her there in the flesh was surreal. I wanted to smack myself to make sure this wasn’t some kind of a strange dream.
But I knew I was wide awake. Julie was there. She was really there.
Zoe ran to her and leapt into her arms. Julie scooped her up and hugged her tightly. “Are you really here?” Zoe asked.
“Yes, sweetie,” Julie said. “I’m really here.”
“Are you staying for good?”
“Yes,” Julie said. “I’m staying for good this time.”
Judging by that statement, I took it to mean that Julie’s college days were behind her. Art school must not have worked out, or else she wouldn’t have been there. Standing there in front of her, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel. I loved her so much and I’d missed her terribly every second of the day since she’d been gone. But at the same time, I knew it would have been all too easy to gloat here. I had to resist any of that. I needed to be there for Julie. I wanted to be the ear that she could talk to and the shoulder that she could lean on.
“It’s great to see you, sweetie,” I said as I held Julie in my arms and kissed her softly on the mouth. I’d been craving this kiss for weeks. I couldn’t even count the time that I’d spent wishing she was back home safe and sound. And now she was.
Julie moaned sweetly with a smile. “Oh, it’s great to be back, babe.”
“I’ve missed you so much. Are you really here for good?”
“Yes,” Julie said. “You are probably wondering what happened.”
“I am, but you can tell me when you are ready.”
“There isn’t much to tell. It wasn’t what I thought it would be and I wasn’t getting anything out of it. So, I left. I can say that I gave it a shot and it wasn’t the right fit for me. Now, I can focus on other things.”
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I knew you had your heart set on it and that it meant a lot to you.”
“It did,” she said. “But I’ve got my heart set on other things now.”
“Yay! Julie is back!” Zoe cheered behind us.
We both shared a laugh. “I guess you’ve got your little cheering section,” I said.
“That I do,” Julie agreed.
Julie hugged Zoe close to her and Zoe clung to her arm. It was great seeing the two of them together again. Zoe had missed her dearly. She had not mentioned Julie that much, but I knew that Zoe was hurting since she was gone. My little girl kept her emotions deeply inside of her, just as I did. We were both often too stubborn for our own good. Any time that I’d tried to get Zoe to talk about Julie or tell me how she was feeling with her gone, she would just not answer and change the subject. It was a great sight to see her happy and glowing again.
“Come and play some Frisbee with us!” Zoe said. She grabbed Julie’s arm and began to drag her off towards the open space where we’d been playing.
This was what it was all about. I wondered if this was the real reason that Julie came back. Did she miss us as much as we missed her? Was school really as terrible as she tried to let on it was? I would get the answers to my questions soon enough. I knew this. For right now I wasn’t going to ask those questions. I was going to enjoy the day with my two favorite
people. I could have watched the sweet smile on Zoe’s face all day. That glow was back. She’d lost it again with Julie gone, but now for the first time in several weeks, I could see it.
And also for the first time in several weeks, I started to get some of that same old feeling back in myself. But I wanted to be careful. I didn’t want to rely on Julie to help me feel great about things. I was happy with her in my life, but I wanted to be happy in general.
And I was determined to take that first step towards a better me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Julie
“So, tell me how much you’ve missed this,” I said.
Ricky was tied to the bed in front of me, his hands bound tightly to each respective bed post. I let his legs stay free for now. But if he was a naughty boy, I would have to teach him a lesson. That sounded like fun. Maybe I should have encouraged him to be naughty. I giggled at the thought as I stood in front of him.
I was naked. It always made me feel so free to strip it all off and stand in the center of the bedroom completely nude. I’d removed every stitch of Ricky’s clothing a bit earlier, after I had tied him up of course. He was my slave for the evening and I was going to do whatever I wanted to him. It had been over a month since we’d made love. And now it was time to make up for that lost time.
Ricky had dropped Zoe off at her aunt Katy’s and came back home. We decided an evening in was the right thing for us to celebrate my return. I’d arrived at the airport late the night before and had spent the night in my old bedroom with Tessa. She had yet to fill my spot in her apartment. She actually thought I was going to be back even sooner. That was a hard blow, but she was honest at least. Her reasoning was that “Those artists are all crazy.”
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