by Tim Curran
“Now. I’ve been drinking a lot, gents, and while this all seems to have gone rather smoothly, I didn’t actually think it through a whole lot. You see, I want you all dead and while I am sure you all would strongly disagree, I truly believe the world will be a better place without the likes of you three.” All three of the men were grunting through the gags now, obviously trying to explain their own reasons for past transgressions.
“I’m sorry guys. It’s not an ‘explain yourself and walk out of here’ kind of night. You will all die at this very table. This will be the last Christmas dinner that any of us have—not that you will be eating much.” Alec suddenly broke out in a crazy grin. “You have to admit I put on a great spread for you.” The crazy grin disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared, and Alec grew somber once again as he continued, “My wife always used to say I loved Christmas more than the kids did; maybe she was right.”
Leaning over the table Alec used the long, thin lighter to light the candles before getting up and dimming the lights. The snow continued falling outside as Alec started to speak again. “My wife liked to eat by candlelight, We probably didn’t do it enough now that I think about it. I have a lot of regrets, if I’m honest. You always think there will be more time, but there wasn’t… WAS THERE!?” Alex roared, standing up and flipping the table over, all the food flying everywhere. The turkey smashed against the wall and the three men and most of the living room were covered in vegetables. The gravy landed on the politicians lap, burning him, causing the man to reflexively kick his chair over, landing him on his back. Alec stormed out of the room and returned with a claw hammer. He walked over to the bottle of whiskey that lay on its side on the floor, spilling out some of its contents and picked it up. He took a large drink and, still clutching the bottle, dropped his arm back to his side. The men looked terrified, they both had their eyes glued to him while the politician stared at the ceiling. Alec sat the bottle in the middle of the floor and hoisted the politician back into an upright position, telling the man sarcastically. “Wouldn’t want you to miss any of the fun now, would we?”
As Alec made his way over to his laptop, he smiled to himself as he heard at least one of the men crying; his wife had cried as she died in his arms, their two small children dead already in the backseat. The car had flipped several times after the collision, but landed upright. Alec had been the only one to survive; he wished he hadn't. After the laptop was fired up, he clicked into his Christmas music and played ‘Santa Claus, You Cunt’ by Kevin Bloody Wilson. He had always liked this one because it made him laugh, though his wife had warned him the kids had better not hear it. For this reason, he’d waited until the children were in bed before he’d played it.
‘Santa Claus, you cunt! Where’s me fuckin bike, I’ve opened all this other sh…..’ drifted out from the speakers as Alec approached the men. “Okay gentlemen. I think we have wasted quite enough time.” Then like lightening he swung the hammer above his head and brought it back down, blunt-side first, right into the politician’s forehead. Before the man’s head had even bounced back he let out a torrent of blows all over it. He quickly flipped the hammer over and brought the claw side down, sinking it right through the top of the politician’s skull. When he let go of the hammer, it stayed in place. Blood started to run down the length of the handle and drip onto the carpet as the room filled with the scent of piss and shit. He looked at the mess of the skull. For the first time he realised the other two men were screaming through their gags; everything had gone silent while he worked. He realised he didn’t even hear the music that had been playing. He admired his work for another few seconds and returned to the laptop to restart the song.
Santa Claus, you cunt! Where’s me fuckin’…’ started to play again. “You know I think as the years pass by, the world becomes a worse place. We move forward with technology and medicine and various other things but none of it’s real; we are just mice in a cage. I’ve decided to get off the wheel now, guys, which means you are both pretty fucked. I’m sure you will now realise I am serious. I want you to think about this question: why shouldn’t someone kill a policeman?” he asked staring at the police chief. “Because you spent a few months at police college? Because you are supposed to uphold the law? You are a bunch of corrupt, drug-taking pussies. A force filled with bully-victims turned bully that look the other way when they are needed. A joke!” Alec stopped his rant and walked over to the bottle of whiskey, lifted it and took two good swigs, then turned his attention to the other man. “And you!” he roared. “A fucking drunk driver who takes the lives of others because he is too much of a pussy to control his addiction. A man who has a family, though he has no care or consideration for others and their families. No!...I don’t accept that either of you have a place on this earth.” Alec glanced at the clock. “It’s Christmas day you know. I should be getting up in a few hours to start making a lovely dinner for my family but instead I made one for you cunts-the people who took them. Not quite as pleasing I have to say. So! Who’s next”
Both men started trying to plead through their gags, shaking their heads from side to side and nearly spilling their chairs over onto the floor. ‘Silent Night’ had clicked onto the laptop and Alec laughed. “It would be a silent night if it wasn’t for you two,” he said, grinning and looking between the two men. “What? That’s fucking funny!” As he said it he stepped out and to the side and swung the biggest punch he had ever swung in his life. When his arm hit the cop in the side of the head, it felt like he had shattered every bone in his hand. The cop’s lights went out and the chair flew onto its side onto the carpet. “Motherfucker!!” Alec raged, rubbing the hand that punched the cop with his other hand. “Ooohhhh, that felt good!” Alec now had a manic look in his eyes. He had drunk well over a bottle of whiskey today and for the first time all day, he was starting to feel drunk. “Let’s wake him up. I’ve always heard people calling the cops, pigs or bacon. Let’s see shall we?” and with that Alec left for the kitchen. He came back shortly after, still smiling. Barry thought Alec had truly lost it now. Earlier, when Alec broke into Barry’s house and kidnapped him, Alec had looked ok at that point. Now he looked deranged, wild-eyed, his eyes constantly flicking from side to side, unable to settle. He marched across the living room and started dragging the unconscious cop across the floor. He yanked him upright before pulling him through the doorway. There were a few seconds of silence, then an ear-splitting scream, followed shortly after by the smell of charred flesh. Barry figured that Alec had pressed the police officer’s face to the stove- there was no other explanation for what he was hearing and smelling. The cop’s hands were tied by his sides and they hadn’t been in the kitchen long enough for Alec to untie him. Barry knew he was going to die here tonight. He thought about his family and hoped they would be okay without him. He had had a drinking problem for a long time, and any mistakes he’d made, his wife did her best to cover for him, and his kids loved him. He couldn’t deny that he was guilty for the death of this man’s family but he didn’t want to die, just like he hadn’t wanted to go to prison. Money sorted most things out, but he doubted he could buy his way out of this one. Still, he hoped he would have enough time to try. The screams coming from the other room continued.
Surely the neighbours must have heard that, Barry thought to himself. Someone must have called the police. As Barry thought about rescue, Alec appeared in the doorway again, dragging the dead cop with him. The man’s face was a mess of burnt tissue: bright red and bubbling with ring shapes imprinted on it. A knife was buried in his ear. “Making too much noise, so he was. I got a little carried away, but I can’t go waking up the neighbours at this time on Christmas day.” The smile was now pasted onto Alec’s face; he really did look like he had lost it. He walked across the room, stopped in front of Barry and proceeded to untie the gag from the back of his head. “I don’t suppose it matters if you scream now, does it? It’s not like you will be any louder than the pig was. Oh, and by the way, he didn’t
smell like bacon. It’s all bullshit.” As Alec finished speaking, he remained standing in front of Barry but his mind seemed to wander off. Here was his opportunity, Barry thought.
“Alec, I have money, lots of it. You have seen my house, you know I’m well-off. You’ve already had your fun. Let me help make the pain go away; money can solve a lot of problems. By tomorrow you could be gone, sitting on a warm beach, sipping a cocktail. Fuck! You could start a new family with the kind of cash I could give you.” As Barry finished his sentence he knew he had gone too far. He saw the smile slip from Alec’s face.
“Oh! I could start a new family could I? Set me up with a new life, make me happy? Is that what you think you will do? How about this? I’ll make you a deal. I’ll untie you and let you walk out of here free if you can do one thing for me. Give me my family back-not a new one, the one I had before I crossed paths with you. Can you do that? Can you give me my fucking family back, Barry?!”
Barry didn’t know what to say to save his life: no amount of pleading, or begging, or any type of bribe would sway this man. “You’re not going to hurt my family are you?” was the only thing he could think to ask as he resigned himself to his fate.
“No Barry, I’m not. I’m not really a bad guy, truth be told. I doubt that sounds realistic to you under the current circumstances but I don’t really give a fuck. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to be good while others do what they want, and life always seems to bite me in the arse anyway. Yet scum roam the earth, polluting it with their spawn…the next generation of shite who will ruin good people's lives. If it was up to me I’d put you all down, since most people are cunts. It’s just the way of it; humans are selfish creatures who try to kid themselves that they are more important than they really are. Personally, I think most people just go along with the status quo for an easy ride. Why rock the boat? It doesn’t really matter anymore. When I’m done with you, I will take my own life and join my family.
Barry squirmed in his chair. He already knew there was no way to escape but it was clear that Alec was coming to the end of the proceedings and if he was ever going to get out of here, it would have to be now. With one final burst of strength he flexed against the cords that tied him to the chair and broke down sobbing with the realisation that this was it, he was going to die very soon and no one was coming to rescue him.
“Alec, please! If not for me then for my daughters!” Barry begged.
“Sorry, mate. I need you. Look around you. What’s missing? Yeh, that’s right. You guessed it. A Christmas tree! That's where you come in, my friend.” As Alex finished speaking, he put the gag back into Barry’s mouth and tied it tight behind his head. He had heard enough, had toyed with him enough- it was time to end it all.
Alec marched back into the kitchen and reappeared almost immediately, dragging a large cardboard box with ‘Tree decorations’ scribbled on the side, and left it sitting next to Barry. “It looks like you will need to step in as our Christmas tree, mate.” Alec made his way over to the laptop and after a minute ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree’ started to play from the speakers. Alec smiled as it drowned out the sound of Barry sobbing through his gag. As far as Alec could tell, at least he had stopped trying to beg for his miserable life. Alec leaned down into the box, grabbed a long red piece of tinsel and started to wrap it around Barry, working from his feet up. The tinsel still had little tabs of tape stuck to it from last year; there wasn’t much glue left on it, but enough that it hung around him as it would a tree. He leaned back in and this time grabbed a long green piece and repeated the procedure. Alec stepped back and took a look at Barry. Sitting in the chair he was wider at the bottom with his knees sticking out and thinner at the top; Alec thought it looked pretty good if a little sparse. He grabbed one more piece, silver this time and again wrapped it around his new ‘Christmas tree’. His wife had always liked bobbles, and while he wasn’t a fan, he believed you should keep the wife happy, so they’d always had them. For a split second Alec toyed with the idea of nailing them to his victim but he doubted Barry would last long enough. He grabbed a roll of tape that still lay in the box and started biting off little strips. When he had about twenty he started taping the bobbles all over Barry, some seemed to have trouble sticking so Alec was a little over excessive with the tape. When he was done with the bobbles, he reached into the box and grabbed a can of spray snow. “This is the part my kids used to love doing, “ he remarked to Barry as he began to cover him with the stuff. There was a little hitch in his voice as he said it. Once he had finished he disappeared into the kitchen again and came back with a box of Christmas lights. “Thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you?” he asked, knowing there would be no answer. “Normally we use the same old lights, but who can be bothered untangling them all? It’s not like I need to watch my money carefully now, anyway.” Alec ripped the box open, tossed it aside and started to wrap them around Barry. The spray snow seemed to have gotten into Barry's eyes because it didn't look like he could see very well anymore. Alec was a little disappointed that Barry wouldn’t see how good he looked. Alec walked over to the wall and plugged the lights in, then flipped the switch so they would flicker and change colour. He stood back admiring his work; he had done a good job, but it needed just one last touch. He went to the box again and retrieved the Christmas star that he had jammed down onto a tent spike so it would work. He stepped up and in front of Barry, raised it high above his head and slammed it down, double handed with all the force he could muster. The peg pierced Barry’s skull and sank in, his body going into such spasms, Alec had to grab the chair to keep it from tipping over. Barry died quickly and Alec again stepped back to admire his work. His ‘tree’ looked much better with the star, and though it did hang to one side, the star had always been too heavy and caused the tops of their trees to hang sideways. Blood was running from the peg down Barry’s face but as it was red, it didn’t look too out of place with the decorations wrapped around him.
Alec stood in front of Barry for a few minutes, not really paying any attention to his creation, his mind just wandering through previous Christmases with his family. The sirens coming from somewhere not too far in the distance was what snapped Alec back to reality. With no more than an accepting nod, Alec went back into the kitchen and returned carrying his nail gun. He sat in the chair facing his new tree and pulled out a picture of Pauline, Sarah and Sammy that he had taken a few days before he lost them. He sat looking at it, nail gun hanging at his side. He could hear the sirens getting closer as a tear dripped onto the photo. “I’m sorry I couldn't save you,” he whispered sadly. Alec raised the nail gun so that it was pointing upwards, then placed it under his chin and, clenching the picture tightly, his finger began to push against the trigger when he suddenly felt someone touch his shoulder. Whipping around quickly and finding no one there, he then heard his wife’s voice saying, “No, Alec, not yet. There are other bad men to punish. Go. Go now before they get here. Your job isn’t done yet.”
“Pauline….. baby” he responded tearfully, but she was gone and he knew it. Wasting no time, Alec was up and out of his chair, dropping the nail gun next to it. He went straight for the back door and left it wide open as he ran out into a bright Christmas morning. He couldn’t get caught just yet. There were more bad men to punish. “Merry fuckin’ Christmas!” he said to no one but himself as he disappeared out into the day, thinking that he wouldn’t let his wife down this time.
The End
About the Author
Kevin J. Kennedy is the author of the novella ‘The Tale of Sawney Bean’ and his short stories have appeared in several top selling horror anthologies. He is also the publisher of the book you’re holding in your hands right now and will be releasing novellas with several of the authors from this collection in the next year. He lives in a small town in Scotland with his wife, step daughter and two strange little cats.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorkevinjkennedy/
Blog: http://kevinjkennedywriter
.blogspot.co.uk/
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Kevin-J-Kennedy/e/B016V0NA7M/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1
Santa Came
By
Peter Oliver Wonder
Just like every year, Missus Claus gave him a kiss on the cheek before he got into his magic sleigh. It was the most action he got from her. Her lady parts had dried up centuries ago and were left undesirable and unusable to Santa. The sexual frustration built up all year long. The night before Christmas was his one opportunity to get laid by a real woman.
He tossed his big, fluffy, red sack into the passenger seat and saddled up beside it. As he took the reins in his hand, the smell of reindeer farts filled his nose and lungs. The old hag always fed them a protein-rich meal the night before to ensure they had the strength to pull his lard ass around the entire world.
"Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!" He shouted through the flurry of snow to the deer. Their hooves dug into the snow and the sleigh began to inch forward. Santa gave a quick snap of the reins and gave a loud "Heyah!" followed by another snap.
Speed began to build up and the bitter cold bit at Santa's exposed face. The breathing of the deer was already becoming labored, sending plumes of frozen breath into the air. "Mush!" he shouted as the lead deer began its ascent into the cold night sky. As the sleigh began to rise, he reached into his magic sack and pulled out some hot buttered rum to sip on as he made his way to his first stop.
Beside him on the bench sat the magical ‘Naughty or Nice’ list. He picked it up and flipped through the first few pages, underlining names he remembered from previous years—these were the children that were either incredibly nice or insufferably naughty. After he got through the children’s last names that begin with ‘Bi,’ he sat the list down on the bench once more and returned the pen to his right hip pocket beside the pouch of forget dust. That's what he used on the rare occasion a child strayed from bed while he was delivering the presents.
