“I was a distraction and didn’t want to make it worse.” She glimpsed his reflection in the window. With the starched white collar against his tanned skin and his five-o’clock shadow, he was more handsome than any movie star, but it was his voice that shot to her heart. The love and desire, the hope and apology, all wrapped up in one, made her pulse quicken and her heart feel full.
“No. You were never a distraction. I love you, Jessie. I was stupid not to come right back to your apartment that night.”
She lowered her eyes, catching a glimpse of the stone on the mood ring. Pink and violet. She’d never seen one turn both of those colors at once. Amorous. Heat. Sensual. Happy. Curious. She’d memorized all of the meanings in the days they’d been apart.
Jamie pulled down a residential street. The houses sat far back from the road, each different from the next, and, she realized as they drove slowly past them, these were no houses. They were mansions. Sprawling homes with several wings and stories, set on several acres of perfectly manicured lawn. Vera’s cottage at the Cape was modest, small even. She hadn’t pictured Jamie in anything as lavish as a mansion. She glanced at him again, in his perfectly pressed tux, driving the expensive vehicle that she had somehow overlooked. How did I miss this? She must have been so taken with him that everything else fell away. Another trick of love, she assumed.
Jamie turned off the residential road onto a dark, tree-lined street. With the umbrella of trees blocking the moonlight, the road was pitch-dark, save for the beams of the headlights.
“Is this your street?”
“This is my driveway. It’s a little long.”
They’d been driving on the same dark road for at least three minutes already. No wonder Mark was ridiculously protective of Jamie. Probably every single woman within a hundred miles who knew anything about the Internet was after him.
They rounded a bend and in-ground lights spilled onto the pavement. Aboveground lights illuminated the night like magical fountains, and just beyond the circular drive was a beautiful and unique stone cottage. A round stone tower with a conical roof anchored the home on one side, with various-sized peaked roofs over nooks and bay windows in the recessed center of the home, and a three-car garage rooted on the far side. The ornate variations in size and shape of stone, evident even from the driveway, gave the home a warm, aged appearance.
Jamie parked in the driveway, and before getting out of the car, he took Jessica’s hand and, for a minute, gazed into her eyes.
“Jess.” His voice was soft as his eyes rolled over her face, neck, and shoulders like a caress. “The way I see it, we have two options. I can carry you up to my bedroom and make love to you until neither of us can remember anything about the last few days, or we can go inside, open a bottle of wine, and clear the air before going any further.”
His voice was tender and patient, his words carefully chosen. He didn’t move to get out of the car or try to rush her to make a decision. He was just as patient with her as he’d always been, which made the decision even more difficult.
“What if…?” She closed her mouth tight, debating if the question was worth asking. Maybe she should choose making love. She wanted that connection. To be that much closer and lose herself in him the way she had days earlier. But somewhere deep inside her, even though she didn’t have experience with this type of thing, she knew that was a bad idea.
“What if we talk, and then something one of us says changes everything?” She didn’t want to believe it could happen, but after the last few days, she realized that she didn’t know squat about how quickly relationships could go awry.
He slid his hand beneath her hair and stroked the nape of her neck with his thumb. “Then maybe it’s better if we do clear the air first, so you have no regrets later. Jess, I love you, and I’m ready to commit regardless of what happens when we talk. Nothing you could say, short of telling me you’re a child-abusing heroin addict, will change that.”
She laughed at the quirky smile on his beautiful lips as he spoke.
“I would rather know that you’re just as committed to me—to our relationship—before making love to you, so maybe it’s better if we talk and then decide where we go next.”
A nod brought his arms around her in a warm embrace that her body took as an invitation to go soft against him. Talking was not going to be easy.
Jamie held her hand as he guided her through the wide hardwood foyer, over inlaid mosaic tiles in a spacious living room, past a fireplace and several sets of French doors.
“Your home is gorgeous.” There were so many textures, she wanted to reach out and touch them all, from what looked like reclaimed wooden planks on the wall, which jutted out at different angles and depths, to the rough stone surrounding the fireplace.
“Thank you. Let’s talk in here.” He held her hand as she stepped down two deep wooden stairs into a cozy nook furnished with upholstered antique armchairs in rich fall colors, a deep chocolate sofa, and dark wood bookshelves against two-story stone walls. Sconces were placed on either side of two arched windows, making the room even more inviting. But when Jamie turned her in his arms and touched his forehead to hers, she no longer wanted to talk, no matter how inviting the deep sofa and intimate setting was.
“In case you decide that you no longer want to be with me after we talk, I want you to know that I adore you. I know it happened fast, and we only know about a tenth of what we should about each other, but I have never missed anyone as much as I’ve missed you these last few days, and if anyone knows about missing people, it’s me.” He pressed his lips to her forehead.
“Let’s skip talking and just be close, Jamie. I missed you, too, and I want to be closer. As close as we can be.”
His lips curved up, but he shook his head. “On the way inside I realized that I don’t want to use our passion as a bandage to cover what happened these last few days. I want to make love to you with a clear conscience, and I want you to have the same peace of mind. You deserve to be cherished. I dropped the ball and doubted.”
Doubted?
“Come on, baby.” He led her to the luxurious sofa.
She watched him pour the wine at a bar in the corner of the room. He glanced up and smiled as he moved the bottle from one wineglass to the next, and when he came to her side, she couldn’t imagine how she’d gone the last few days without him. Jamie handed her a glass and slid in beside her, one arm draped over her shoulder.
“I don’t want any secrets between us, Jess. Our relationship can’t work if we’re constantly looking over our shoulders for skeletons to come out of the dark.”
“I know. I’ve never lied to you, which is why what you said earlier rattled me.”
Jamie dropped his eyes to his glass. “I know. I’m not proud of how I’ve acted. That night I went to meet Mark, I went a little crazy. I punched him and kind of lost my mind over what he’d said to you.”
Her eyes widened. She’d never known a man to hit someone else. Especially over her. “You punched him?”
Jamie nodded. “That night, he had me so confused that I didn’t know what to believe.”
“So, he made you doubt me?” Her stomach sank again.
“God, this is so hard to admit. I’m such an idiot. Yes, he said things that made me doubt you a little. I didn’t know what to believe, and then you were gone. Jessie, I’m sorry. I’m ashamed for all of it. I should have left his hotel room and gone straight back to you to talk it through, but I was confused, and…”
“And he’s your attorney and friend, who has always given you solid advice and looked out for you for all these years regardless of how much of an ass he was to me, or Jenna, or probably half a dozen other women in your life.” She lowered her eyes to his hand. The stone on the ring was green. Worried.
“Yes. And I know he’s a total douche. Christ, I hated how he treated you. I gave him hell for that, and I’ll fire him if it’ll bring you back to me.”
“Jamie, I’m confused. What did he make
you doubt about me?”
“I promised to be honest with you, and I will.” He exhaled and brought his hand to her shoulder. “I just have to sit with you for a minute in case you decide this is it. I just want this moment to remember.”
She had no idea what could be that difficult to talk about. In her life, if there were issues with other musicians, she talked with them. With the few friends she had in the orchestra, she told them when things bothered her and they did the same, without hard feelings. They weren’t close friends, but how could this be so difficult? What had she done that would warrant such a reaction? She began to imagine that it wasn’t her he was worried about. Maybe he’d turned to another woman for comfort. Oh Lord, that made her a little queasy.
His brows drew together and his lips parted, and just as quickly they closed again.
“Jamie, you’re scaring me a little.”
“It wouldn’t be too far off to say that he had me doubting just about everything about you.”
“I don’t understand. Why would I ever be untruthful to you?”
“I don’t think you would be, but when he said all that he did to me, it made me wonder, and…I’m sure it was a website error,” he said with an uneasy smile. “Jess, there’s no Jessica Ayers on the musician list for the Boston Symphony Orchestra.”
“You looked for me?” Her heartbeat sped up.
“Yes.” His jaw clenched, and she could see he had something else to say.
“You think I lied about where I worked? Why? Why would I do that?”
“I never believed that you did. That’s why I was going tonight, to see for myself.”
“I don’t know if I should be mad that you think I lied or happy that you looked for me.” She traced condensation on the side of the wineglass with her finger.
“I’m sorry, Jess. I wish I could take it back, but we can’t fix the past; we can only learn from it and create a better future, which is what I hope to do with you.”
“Jamie, I...” I want that, too. But trust was everything in a relationship. Even with her lack of experience, she knew that much. “It wasn’t an error. Jessica Ayers isn’t on the symphony musician list. Jamie, I have never lied to you about a thing. I never even considered lying to you. When you like someone, you’re honest with them. It just goes hand in hand, doesn’t it?” She set her wineglass down on the end table beside the couch and rose to her feet.
Jamie watched her intently, his dark eyes narrow and serious, his thighs tense against his slacks. “Yes, of course. I haven’t lied to you either.”
“Then why would you doubt me?” Her stomach twisted again and she felt flustered.
“Because Mark is manipulative and…” He stood and paced, then stopped before her, looking impossibly handsome and worried.
Totally unfair. Wasn’t she confused enough?
“It’s not Mark’s fault. He didn’t do anything different than he’s always done. He pointed out the obvious. I’m not a fast-moving, carefree guy, Jess.” He paced again and ran his hand through his hair, which only made him sexier because she happened to love that particular mannerism of his.
Jessica tried to keep up with what he was saying, but she was getting distracted by her feelings. She sat back down on the couch and lowered her eyes to her lap.
“I was never a carefree guy, Jess. Never. Not as a kid, not as a teen, and definitely not as an adult—until I met you. You made me forget that I’m supposed to be chained to my work, that I lost my parents, that there’s more to life than working myself into the ground to forget the pain I’ve buried for so long but never really healed from.” His back was to her when he stopped pacing. His broad shoulders rolled forward; he turned slowly, his eyes catching the light from the wall sconce. They were suspiciously damp, shadowed with pain.
“Jamie.” It came out as a whisper. She went to him, circled his neck with her arms and ran her fingers through his thick hair. “My full name is Millicent Jessica Bail-Ayers. I use Millicent Bail professionally.”
His lips curved up and he squeezed her hand. “I wish you had told me that.”
“Didn’t I ever?” She tried to recall every second they’d been together, the things they’d talked about, but her recollections were tangled and fuzzy. Her body wanted to comfort him, hold him, kiss him, help him heal from the loss of his parents, which still plagued him. But her mind was spinning circles about what else he thought she’d lied about, confused about how these types of things could get so convoluted and hurt so badly.
He shook his head. “No. And that shouldn’t have mattered. I should have asked you. I should have dealt with it instead of thinking the worst.”
She took a step back to ground herself for whatever else was yet to come. “What else?”
She watched his Adam’s apple slide up, then down his throat. His hesitation brought her back down to the couch.
“Jamie?”
He knelt before her and placed his hands on the outsides of her thighs. “Jessie. I promised honesty. It would be easier to tell you there was nothing else, but there was. I didn’t know what to believe. Mark was throwing things at me, one after another, when I told him I loved you. Asking how long we had really known each other, where you lived, where you grew up. Christ, Jess, I didn’t know even the basic things about you, and it didn’t bother me at all. Then he reminded me about women I’ve dated who have pretended to be something that they weren’t. He’s an ass, there’s no doubt, but he’s also been my friend. A good friend aside from the asinine things he’s said to women. He’s had my back and saved me from a lot of shit.” He ran his hands up the outsides of her thighs and fisted them in the fabric by her hips. The strain in his voice mirrored that in his face and arms. “Jess, I’m not making excuses, for him or for me. I’m just doing a lousy job of explaining.”
“I’m still confused, Jamie. I’m sorry. What on earth did you think I lied about?”
“Jessie, I’ve been lied to by men and women.”
“Jamie. Just tell me.” She was breathing harder now.
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them he met her gaze and held it. “I didn’t know what to believe about any of it. Where you lived, what you did for a living…how many men you’d slept with.”
JAMIE FELT HER body go rigid. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had to make her understand before he lost her forever.
“Jess, I…there was so much going on in my head, and things were so messed up. You were crying, I kicked a naked woman out of Mark’s room, clocked him and left him bleeding.”
Jamie never knew so many things could happen in the space of two breaths. Jessica’s eyes went from confused, to appalled, to angry, to distraught. Her face fell flat, her lips drawn south, and he felt her slipping away. She leaned back and turned her head, her eyes cold and distant.
“Jessie, please. I knew you didn’t lie. In my heart I didn’t think you were playing me, but—”
“But the doubt was there.” Her voice was a thin thread. “You weren’t sure if you could believe me after I opened my heart to you. Opened my soul and my body, Jamie.” Her voice shook. “I know for other women it’s easy to open themselves up to men, to let them touch their most intimate parts and to reciprocate.” She turned toward him, looking battered and bruised from the inside out.
“Jessie, I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“Please,” she whispered. Tears streamed down her cheeks, each one dragging his heart deeper into hell. “What hurts the most is that it was easy to open up to you. To you, Jamie, because I trusted you.”
Trusted.
“Jess, you can trust me. It was a momentary doubt. I called you that night and wanted to talk about it, but you never called back. I looked for your address online, but there was no Jessica Ayers listed anywhere. I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t listed with the BSO, so I didn’t think I’d find you there. Mark gave me an envelope with what I’m sure is everything anyone could ever want to know about you, and I never opened it. I have no intention
of opening it, but you need to know it exists.” This time it was him drawing in a hampered breath. “And then…I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to see for myself. I called Kurt’s brother, and he arranged for me to get tickets for tonight’s concert. But the nightmare at my office ran late, and by the time I got there it was over.”
Her expression had gone blank.
“None of that matters. You trusted me, and I doubted your honesty.” He touched her fisted hands. He loved her hands. They were delicate yet strong, and so very loving when she touched him. It struck him that he might never feel her hands on him again, and it was all he could do to pry himself from her and rise to his feet, feeling defeated by his own stupidity.
“I understand, Jess, but I didn’t want to keep anything from you. I wanted you to know where my head was and why. I’ll drive you home.”
He extended his hand. When she placed her fingers in his, he felt his chest tighten again.
“Jamie?” she said softly.
“Yeah, babe?” He couldn’t look at her. It hurt too much to see the disappointment written all over her unhappy face.
“Would you mind if I stayed with you tonight?”
He tried not to hold on to the thread of hope that trailed behind her question, but it was damn hard not to.
“Would I mind? Jess, you can stay with me for the rest of your nights.”
“I just…” She looked away, touched her lips with her hand. “I’m not ready to walk away.”
Thank God. “Tell me what you want, Jess.” He forced his voice to remain even, not too hopeful or smothering, as he sank onto the couch beside her.
“I don’t know, exactly.” She touched his leg. “The only thing I know for sure is that you were as honest with me as a person can be, and even if you didn’t trust me”—she sucked in another uneven breath—“I…My feelings for you are still here.” She covered her heart with her hand. “And I don’t know if I’m supposed to try to ignore them, which is really, really painful.” Tears slid down her cheeks again.
Seaside Sunsets Page 22
