by Anne Mercier
Fuck. How did she know? That day, she just showed up—Gretchen. I didn't invite her. No one did. That was the day I asked the guys to have the place to myself. It was the day Carter Winters asked Tera out on a date and she said yes. It was the first time I turned to alcohol and used it as a crutch. It didn't work.
"Oh-ho, yes. She was there. Her clothes were off and so was his shirt. There was no mistaking where that was heading. They didn't see me and they didn't hear me—thankfully. I just walked away. That was the day I walked away because that was the day Xander Mackenzie betrayed me in a way I never thought he would," she confesses with a sob.
No. No, no, no! Anger, fear, and desperation fill me. She doesn't understand. I was drunk. And, if I'm honest, that was the first time I took drugs.
"He wouldn't do that, T. Not willingly," Linc defends.
"I know what I saw, Linc. He wasn't exactly fighting her off, what with him sucking on her tits and his hand between her legs," Tera sneers.
"I can't believe he'd do that."
"Well, believe it," she tells him.
I can't let her think that. No matter the cost, I need her to know the truth.
I walk into the room and Tera rolls her eyes. "Come on in. Get an earful, did ya?"
I sit down on her desk chair, my heart heavy. Fear seeps from my pores. "I didn't send you that note. I wouldn't do that. Like Linc said, I wouldn't take you there. You deserve better than that." No one says anything. I swallow—hard—and I swear they can hear it. I know for sure they can hear my heart beating.
"Carter Winters asked you out on a date that day and you said yes," I admit, looking down at my hands. "I… was in a bad way after I found out. I asked the guys if I could have the shack to myself. I wanted to get fucked up drunk so I wouldn't think about you going out with him. So, I grabbed the bottle of rum and drank straight from it. About a third of the way in, Gretchen showed up."
I lift my eyes to Tera, who's sitting on her bed, back against the headboard, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped so tightly around them. Her eyes are wide, tear-filled, and wary.
"She walked right in like she owned the joint. I told her to get the fuck out. I swear to you, Tera, I would never do that willingly."
"Give me a break, Xander. I saw how willing you both were!" she screams at me.
I don't react. She has a right to be angry and, man, is she angry. "I wanted to stop thinking about someone other than me touching you and giving you the firsts I always wanted to give you. She just wanted to hang out, she said. She was tired of her friends and needed a break. So we drank. Then she gave me a pill. She told me it'd take all my troubles away and make me feel good."
I look up at her again. "And I took it."
She gasps and tears stream down her cheeks.
Betrayal number two. No drugs. We'd all promised. We didn't want to end up like Kennedy, Ethan, Tera and Linc's parents.
"One minute I was half drunk and still hurting, and the next I blanked out. I didn't know what she gave me. I didn't know what I took. Don't look at me like that. I know, okay? I know what a fucking stupid thing it was to do. When I woke up hours later, I didn't have any clothes on," I confess.
"You fucked her," she states hollowly.
I nod. "I think so."
"Jesus Christ," Linc curses.
"My head was killing me so when I got home, I told Dad what happened. When I started throwing up, he got worried enough that he took me to the ER. They did some blood tests and hooked me up to an IV."
"The night he said you had the flu," Linc surmises.
I nod. "Yeah. I still didn't know what she gave me. Dad knew though. I had another of those pills in my pocket. He took it to her parents and threatened to go to the cops. They blew him off. I asked him to give me a week. I'd get her to confess. It took ten minutes. All I had to do was tell her she was fucking amazing in the sack and she told me she gave me a pill that enhanced sex. I asked why I couldn't remember anything and that bitch had the nerve to smirk. She said she knew I'd never fuck her, that she knew I hated her because of how she bullied you, so she used GHB."
"What?" Tera breathes.
"Are you fucking kidding?" Linc asks, his hands closing into fists.
"Not kidding. Not something I find funny."
"She…" Tera begins to sob. She covers her mouth, her eyes wide, horrified. "She date raped you!"
I look down at my hands again. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm ashamed.
"Yes," I whisper.
"Xan," she breathes and when I look up she's standing right in front of me. "Why didn't you tell us? Or them, since we weren't really talking?"
I shrug. "I took that pill, T. I took it not knowing what it was or what it would do. I swallowed down that pill with straight rum. Do you think I deserve any sympathy? Do you think I want to try to reason my way out of this?"
"But—"
"No. Don't," I tell her. "I don't want you to think she was the only one in the wrong. What she did was way more fucked up than anything I've ever done, but I took that pill without any coaxing. I did it because I felt sorry for myself. I did it because I fucked up and let you go, telling myself it was for the best. That you deserved better than me. That I'd hurt you, I'd break your heart, and I did that anyway," I concede.
"Xan," she sighs.
"How can you even look at me and not feel loathing? Christ, now I understand the looks you've been giving me since that day. I thought it was the drinking. God, Tera. I'm so fucking sorry you saw that. That fucking bitch lured you there so you would see it. She wanted to hurt you even more and I made that possible when I swallowed that pill," I groan.
"Xander."
I shake my head.
"Xander," Tera says more firmly.
I sigh and lift my gaze to hers. I don't see loathing. I don't see hate. I don't see any of the antipathy I'm expecting to see. What I see steals my breath.
She sits on my lap and hugs me—that really steals my breath. I'm afraid to move. I'm afraid to blink. This is a dream and I don't want to wake up—ever. I'll happily dream this dream forever. I wrap my arms around her, crushing her to me. I don't ever want to let go.
"What are you doing, Tera?" I ask, uncertain. I look around the room and see Linc's gone.
"I'm giving you the hug I would have given you that day had I known. I'm saying I'm sorry for believing you'd do that to me. I'm holding you because you're letting me," she whispers into my neck.
"I'm holding you because you're letting me. I never thought I'd ever get this close to you again, Tera. What the hell are we doing? Please tell me this isn't a joke. Tell me it's real and you're not going to disappear from my life again," I plead. My dad was right, as usual. I should never have taken the choice from her.
"You're the one who pushed me out the door, Xan."
"I thought it was best for you, but what the fuck do I know?" I admit.
She sniffles and laughs softly. "You don't know shit if you think that was what was best for me. God." Her exasperation comes through loud and clear. She sits up, puts her hands on my cheeks, and pierces me with those beautiful green eyes. "Don't you know you're what's best for me, Xander Mackenzie? Why do you think there's anything better than you, I just don't understand."
I lean forward and kiss her softly, holding her face as she holds mine. I don't care that a couple tears are rolling down my cheeks. All that matters is Tera.
"I'm sorry," I tell her sincerely. "I can't tell you how sorry I am."
She kisses me then. Just a press of lips to lips, but it means more than any kiss I've ever had—even more than our first.
"What's going on in here?" Jesse asks.
Tera leans back, looks at me, and I can't look away from her.
"Well, we were kissing," I tell him, stating the obvious.
All the guys pile into the room and take up residence on Tera's bed and any flat surface they can find to sit on.
"What does this mean? Did someone finally knock some sens
e into you?" Ben taunts.
I don't know how to answer that. She's still with Winters. As if she senses my apprehension, she rolls her eyes at me and I smirk.
"What does this mean? It means I need to break Carter Winters' heart and stop denying my own heart happiness," Tera announces.
"Xan has no say in the matter?" Linc chuckles.
"Absolutely none. Look what happened the last time he thought he knew what was best for me."
"Hey, now," I laugh, pulling her to me and holding her close.
"It's about damn time," I hear my dad say from the doorway. I look up, smiling—really smiling, for the first time in four years.
The guys all shout their agreement.
"Time to dump the chump," Linc tells Tera.
"I never liked that guy," Kennedy admits.
"Me neither," Ethan agrees.
Ben scoffs and Jesse sneers.
"None of you liked him?" Tera asks.
"Seriously, T," Linc chides.
"What's wrong with him?"
"Oh, where to begin," I tease.
Tera snorts then leans in. "So, they don't know?" she whispers.
"No."
"Maybe they should?" she questions.
I nod. "They should."
She sits up, putting her arm around my shoulders and it's like coming home. My heart is warm where it was cold. My mind isn't muddled. This is right.
"I guess you want to know how this happened?" I ask.
They all mutter their assent.
"You know how everyone's been wondering what happened to Gretchen Sellers?" I begin, then tell them everything.
Chapter Four
Tera
"Carter, I need to talk to you about something." I sound much braver than I feel. I hate that I have to do this. Carter's been a good boyfriend. He's attentive, caring, and supportive. The only thing he isn't is Xander, and that's everything.
He wraps his arm around my shoulders. "Is everything okay?"
I nod. "Can we go somewhere private?"
He nods, his brow furrowed, as he leads me to an empty classroom.
I sit on one of the tables, holding my books tightly against my chest.
"What's going on, Tera?"
I sigh inwardly. I've never been good at hurting people. But I deserve to be happy—really happy.
"I'm not sure where to begin," I confess.
"Whatever it is, it's okay."
He's so sweet. If there were no Xander, Carter would be it.
"I've had the best time being with you these last fourteen months—"
"Fifteen months," he corrects and I wince.
"Sorry. Fifteen months. But I don't think we should be together anymore."
He doesn't say anything, just looks down, rubbing the back of his neck. He's thinking, trying to figure it out, and I hate it for him.
"I'm sorry, Carter."
He nods, then looks up at me. "It's him, isn't it?"
I hesitate.
"Xander. It's him, right?" he asks.
I nod. "Yes."
He blows out a breath. "I thought you were over him. I really thought we got past that. I knew when I asked you out you were hung up on him, but you stopped spending time with him and… well, I just thought you got over him."
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't. It's fine, Tera. I knew going in your heart belonged to someone else."
His disappointment and pain are palpable. I want to reach out and hold him, but I know Carter. He wouldn't want that. He's so very prideful.
"Tell me something?" he asks as he sits on the table next to me.
"Anything."
"Did you ever care for me at all? Or were you just wasting time?"
"Oh, Carter. Of course I did—do. I'll be honest. When we said 'I love you' I meant it. I do love you, Carter. I wouldn't have been with you if I didn't. I would never use you that way. Please believe that. Everything we shared was real," I admit. And it was. Every kiss. Every touch. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't care deeply for this boy.
"I believe you, T. This just sucks," he says with a groan.
"The last thing I ever wanted to do is hurt you."
"I know, Tera. You're made of the good stuff which is why this sucks so bad." He turns to face me. "When I said 'I love you', every single time, I really meant that. I fell for you hard."
A tear slips free and he wipes it with the pad of his thumb.
"Don't cry. I'll be okay. It'll take me awhile, so I hope you understand I'm going to need some space. I may forget and text or call you."
"You can call or text anytime. If you need me, I'm here, Carter. You weren't just my boyfriend, you're my best friend." We told each other everything with brutal honesty and heartfelt sincerity.
"Don't let Shea hear you say that. She'll cut me into pieces and feed me to the pigs," he teases.
"What pigs?" I ask with a laugh.
"Who knows, but you know that girl would find some."
"She totally would," I agree. "I want you to continue to smile, Carter. There's a girl out there waiting to love you."
He gets sad. "I thought she was you."
Now I really start to cry. "Oh, Carter." I drop my books to the floor and reach for him. We hold each other through the warning bell and through the bell signaling class has started. We're still holding one another when Mr. Perkins walks into the room. He looks at us, then just keeps walking into the room. He doesn't ask or intrude. He knows.
When the next bell rings, we pull back and look at one another.
"I want us to be able to be friends, Carter. I can't imagine you not in my life."
He nods. "I just need a little time."
"Okay."
"Just do me one favor?"
"Anything."
"Please don't do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing in front of me. Not yet. I don't think I could handle that, Tera."
"I understand."
"You've got my heart, Tera. If you change your mind, I'm still here."
I smile sadly at him. "I won't."
He smiles sadly back. "I didn't think so, but it was worth a shot."
We hug one more time.
"I do love you," I whisper.
"I love you, too. I'll always love you," he replies. Then he kisses my forehead and walks away.
I watch him go, my heart hurting. He was the one I shared a lot of my firsts with and I'll remember that always.
"Are you all right, Miss Ramirez?" Mr. Perkins asks.
I nod. "I will be."
"Break ups are never easy."
"No. They certainly aren't."
"You made a lovely couple. I'm sorry things didn't work out," he tells me, passing me a tissue.
I nod. "He was perfect. He really was."
"Then why…?"
"He isn't Xander."
"I see."
"Xander had my heart first. It just took him awhile to figure out what to do with it," I tell him with a watery smile.
"Then he better take care of it."
I nod. "Thank you, Mr. Perkins."
"You're welcome, Miss Ramirez."
I walk out the door and there's Xander leaning back against the lockers across the hall. My heart leaps and I smile.
"Hey," he says by way of greeting.
"Hey," I reply, leaning next to him.
He meets my gaze. "You all right?"
I nod and sniffle. "It was just hard."
Xan nods, his lips pressed together in a tight line. "You were with him a long time."
"Yeah."
"You love him."
"Yes," I admit.
Xan nods again, his brows furrowed. "You gave him your firsts."
He doesn't state it like a question, but it is.
"I did."
He swallows hard. "I fucked up. I'm sorry, Tera."
"I don't regret it, Xan. He was good to me. He loved me. And you needed to find your way."
"I suppose I did," he admits. "He didn't get your first kiss."
His head jerks up and he looks at me.
"He has a piece, but my heart belongs to you, Xan. You had it first."
He pulls me to him, holding me close as he buries his face in my hair. "Thank you."
I rub his back and he straightens.
"I'm sorry you're sad, but I understand."
"How could you possibly?"
"I know your heart, Tera. It's pure and sincere. I get you're going to need a little time to get past this—if you want to?" he questions.
I smirk. "I do want to. I've waited for you for what feels like forever."
"Not quite that long," he replies with a cocky look. "But you'll get to keep me that long if you want me."
"I do. Forever sounds like a pretty good deal," I tell him with a smile.
He nods. "Let's get you to class."
He takes my hand in his and walks me to my art class. He knows my schedule, the rooms, and he kisses me softly before we part ways. I thought he didn't want any part of me, but he's been keeping track of me this whole time.
"It's about time that dumbass came to his senses," Shea says as she walks into the classroom.
I laugh out loud. "I guess it is. Wait—I thought you hated him?"
"Oh, I did. I still kind of do because of how much he hurt you. Anyone that stupid isn't going to get my kindness. But now that he's smartened up, I might warm up to him in a year or ten."
I snort. "Likely ten."
"Likely," she replies. "How's Carter?"
I sigh. "Heartbroken."
Shea nods. "Devastated is more like it, but he knew the risks when you got together. You were always honest about your feelings for Xander."
"It doesn't make it any easier."
"No, it doesn't. But he'll be okay. He's hot and a good guy. He'll find someone to get on top of and he'll get over it soon enough," she snarks.
I roll my eyes. "Seriously, Shea."
"What? Haven't you heard the saying 'the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else'? Or, in Carter's case, on top of someone else."
"Where do you come up with this stuff?"
"My mom. Where else? My mom's cool as hell."
"She totally is."
We set up our supplies and start working in silence.
"Maybe you should be the one he gets on top of," I suggest to Shea.
