by Kim Hornsby
Caspian paused long enough for my stomach to lurch.
“I kissed you and professed my love because I do love you, Bryndle. You are Rachel to me, and Rachel is you. Nothing changes that. But if I could change the fact that I lead you on, I would. I was remiss in believing that the person you are today is Rachel reincarnated, the woman I loved when I was alive.” His mouth was set in a grim line and his eyes were dark pools of regret that I wanted to jump in and cheer up. “I believed you were Rachel, come back to me, not a descendent of both myself and Rachel. The truth of that fact brings a dark shadow to my heart each time I remember.”
I stood and walked to the bed. I got between the cool covers and patted the bed for Hodor. There was nothing to be done tonight except go to bed. Alone. Without the man I loved.
Sleep eventually came and when it did, I dreamed of Caspian and I in a boat on the bay, laughing and drinking champagne.
Just a dream.
Chapter 17
The following day, I woke with such a feeling of dread that I almost decided to stay in bed, blind all day by releasing Caspian from his job of being my shadow. But Hodor needed to go out and finally, just before ten, I slipped out of bed and greeted my platonic friend across the room, now reading another book. “You don’t have to follow me everywhere today. I’m fine being blind if you’d like to wander the house or do whatever it is you normally do when you aren’t chained to a blind lady.”
Caspian stood, closed the book and tilted his head as if trying to gauge my mood. “Is something wrong?” he asked.
“What isn’t wrong?” I was being a very bad sport and didn’t care that I had my health, my dog, friends, and a big house that was supposedly full of paranormal activity, something I used to love.
I pulled on sweatpants over my pajamas and after throwing a hoody on, I tramped downstairs not knowing what I would do to adjust my attitude today. Everything seemed bleak. Even Caspian didn’t look as handsome now that he was my grandfather.
When I entered the kitchen with Caspian trailing behind me, the crew at the kitchen table stared at me like I had two heads.
“I slept in, OK?” I snapped. “Sorry, but I’m not feeling well.”
Eve jumped up from the table and ran over to feel my forehead.
“It’s not physical,” I said. “I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”
Caspian must’ve made a helpless gesture behind me because I saw Carlos look back there and nod. When Moonraker entered the room, Carlos made a wide circle around them and disappeared out the door. His fear of cats seemed to be getting better.
I declined coffee, much to Eve’s surprise and headed outside with Hodor. “I’m just going to get some fresh air. Caspian, you can stay here, if you like. I’ll have Hodor lead me around.”
But he followed, not far behind, no doubt to make sure I didn’t walk off the cliff. I walked the trail along the cliffside wanting to cry, scream, change everything so that Caspian was mine again, not a distant relative who was off limits.
“Is there anything I can do to lift your mood,” he said from ten feet behind, “or do I already know what has you silent and stone-faced?”
I turned around to face him. “I don’t know how to act now that I don’t have you.”
“You have me,” he said tenderly.
“Not really. Not the way I want.” I looked out to sea, the bay a calm enclosure of dark blue water. “I feel like I just want to go down there and sit and wait until I travel back to the 1850’s again where we can be lovers. I don’t want to live in this century if I can’t be with you, Caspian.” The tears filled my eyes and Caspian put his arms out, walking forward. But I turned away.
“Bryndle,” he said catching up. “You existed before you met me.”
“Did I? Or was I always waiting for you because now, that’s what it feels like. Like I always knew you were coming, and I was just putting in time until you got here.” I stopped and searched his face to see hurt, love and something else I couldn’t determine. My telepathy was dead on Caspian. I had no idea what he was thinking most of the time and this moment was no different.
“I’ve been waiting for you too. But if you are my descendent, why does it feel so right to love you?”
I didn’t know and shook my head. “It’s like the part of you I love so fiercely is gone and I have to grieve losing that man.” I walked back to the kitchen, becoming blind as I entered the house.
Was he gone, or had I only left him outside? It didn’t even seem important until I realized it might be important to Caspian if he was gone forever.
“I’m blind,” I said to anyone who was still left in the kitchen.
Eve took my arm and led me to the table. “He didn’t disappear. He walked down the trail to the beach.”
“Caspian and I are…” I couldn’t put my thoughts into words. “We have to…”
Eve squeezed my hand. “Your relationship has taken a huge blow. We all know,” she said.
I sensed that everyone was still in the kitchen, sitting silently. I wanted to reassure them that everything was going to be fine, but it wasn’t going to be fine. Not unless I figured out how to live with Caspian—a person I once loved.
I knew my mother left the kitchen to call Ganna because I’m psychic and also I heard Rachel’s footsteps leave the room, more silence, then she whispered, “I have a favor to ask of you and don’t sound so surprised I’m calling.”
It was highly unusual for my mother to ask for advice from anyone let alone the woman who’d once said if my mother’s act wasn’t cleaned up, she’d lose me to the courts. I wondered how bad I looked to make my mother resort to this phone call. There was nothing my grandmother could do, but I appreciated Rachel making the effort. Or had she simply called Vern?
A cup of coffee was set by my hand and I felt Jimmy take my hand to touch it. “You might feel better with some caffeine.”
I took a sip. It tasted stale and old. I wanted to take a pill to sleep through this adjustment period and wake when I could accept being platonic with Caspian.
Jimmy and Carlos talked about their investigative case while I sat listening and hoping for enough distraction to allow me to function today. At least for the sake of my friends, I wanted to appear normal.
Then it hit me. Was Caspian headed to the beach to walk into the water and never be seen again? “Eve, do you think Caspian is gone or just wandering the beach?” I stood, knocking over the chair.
“Do you want me to check?”
I did. “Take me with you.”
We walked outside, Hodor racing ahead and when we got to the trail head stairs, Eve confirmed she couldn’t see him down on the beach. I couldn’t see anything. “Let’s go down regardless,” I said.
The handrail was warm from the sun and when we reached the bottom, I took Eve’s arm and clung to her. “I feel so despondent,” I admitted. “Worse than after the accident, if you can believe that.” I heard Hodor splash somewhere ahead and remembered that the water had been glassy calm. He’d have a nice swim today.
We walked in silence until I got a flash of a dream I must’ve had the night before. “I just remembered I dreamed that Caspian had a baby in his arms and when I got closer, I realized that the baby was me. He told the baby that he loved her and would always protect her. He said, “my little daughter.” The emotion of the dream flooded me with new sadness.
“No wonder you woke in a mondo funk,” Eve said. “Maybe you should see a shrink, Bryndle. Get meds or something to get through this.” Eve sounded worried and I wanted to say something to reassure her that it wasn’t that bad. But it was. Even if I didn’t want to get meds for depression, I nodded and told Eve I’d think about it.
That day, I spent most of my time on the beach, hoping to time travel. The next day too. But nothing happened and Caspian didn’t return. I woke on the third day, not sure if I wanted to open my eyes to sight, to having Caspian sitting in the chair by the fire. I opened my eyes to darkness again.
>
Slipping on my fuzzy bathrobe and Frye boots, I gave myself a pep talk to get out the door with Hodor and go downstairs to the kitchen to make the morning coffee. I’d been forcing myself to eat, drink, do everything I needed to do to function and because Eve was worried, I’d been pretending that things were getting better.
Once I got a travel mug of coffee, I found my way to the trail head and descended the stairs to the beach, hoping to find Caspian in either this century or the one in which I was his lover. Or at least I pretended to be a woman who was his lover.
I’d had many hours to think about my relationship with Rachel of the 1850’s and wonder if she knew about me. I thought she probably didn’t, but how did she accept her relationship with Caspian when he approached her with love in his eyes? Caspian said he hadn’t noticed her acting strangely at all when it was Rachel and not me who was with him.
It was as I sat on the beach, still cool from the overnight temperatures, that I felt myself leaving. I sat firmly in place and set my coffee cup down so I would remain safe if I was traveling back in time. I breathed in and out, willing myself to the 1850’s and when I opened my eyes, I was in a lovely salon in the Primrose house, listening to my mother play what looked like a piano, but smaller.
A knock at the door had my mother stop and turn towards the door. “Yes?”
The servant who I knew to be a favorite of Rachel’s came through the door and closed it behind her.
“I’m sorry to disturb you, Ma’am but a Captain Cortez has come calling to give his thanks for Miss Rachel’s efforts in saving his life.”
My mother stood, looked at me with wide eyes and smoothed her skirt. “We will receive him in here then, Jane. Thank you.”
The servant left and my mother shot me a look of question. I kept my face blank, not knowing where in the timeline this incident took place. Were Caspian and Rachel already lovers? I hoped to figure that out in the next few moments by reading his face.
The door opened again, and Caspian walked through, dressed in what I can only describe as his captain finery. No longer in his shipboard duds, this time he was dressed up, sporting a dark blue coat, a white shirt, dark pants and very elaborate boots. His hair was pulled back in a tie and he was clean shaven.
“Thank you for receiving me at no notice at all but I was in the neighborhood and wanted to briefly tell you how grateful I am for your daughter’s time and efforts in saving my life.” Caspian spoke to my mother, ignoring me as he crossed to her. My mother gave him her hand to kiss. It was after a charming little kiss on my mother’s bare hand that he turned to me and smiled. “I trust you’re doing well, Miss Primrose.”
“Yes, thank you,” I said, thinking this might be the first time Rachel saw him after Cove House when Ten Tooth took him away.
His gaze went to my hand and I wondered if he was looking for the lion ring. Rachel wouldn’t be able to wear it in front of her family, not without questions.
“I wanted to show you a recovered patient, now that the months have allowed me to heal fully.” He held his arms out from his sides as if he was on display and then looked to my mother and laughed.
She laughed along with him and gestured for him to sit down.
“I’m so pleased to see you’ve done well,” I said, myself sitting on the hard surface of a settee with my mother. I made sure to sit with my back ramrod straight, sure that Rachel wouldn’t slouch down and put her feet up on the table in front of us.
“Jane, we’ll take some tea with the Captain now.” My mother didn’t take her eyes off the handsome man in the chair, and I was pretty sure her grin was kind of sloppy for a woman of her stature. “Please tell us Captain Cortez, where have your travels taken you since last you saw our Rachel?”
We spoke in this formal manner, with Caspian describing his voyage to San Francisco and up to Victoria, until the tea came. He barely looked my way, instead focusing his attention on my mother and leading me to wonder if he was fancy for older women instead.
When we finished our tea and my mother saw him to the door, I wondered if that would be it. At what date did Caspian return to the house and get all hot and heavy with Rachel in the backyard? Was it this visit while his ship was in Portland or did it happen next month?
I had my answer that night after pretending to be Rachel all evening and sitting through a very boring evening of needlepoint and conversation with my mother about the gossip in the community. I’d been dodging her questions, saying I didn’t know the answer to this or that and finally had to say I had a dreadful headache and needed to retire early.
Jane helped me get ready for sleep and when I slipped into bed, I wondered how many days or nights I’d be in this time travel. I was thinking about Caspian and his charming way with my mother when I fell into a deep sleep.
I woke to the room now lit by enough moonlight in the window to show me I wasn’t alone.
I sat up in bed with a start. “Who’s there?”
The person by the door moved towards me. “It’s me, Ma’am,” Jane said. “I’m sorry to disturb you but Captain Cortez is in the garden and wanted me to ask if you’d come take a walk with him.”
I slipped out of bed and stood in my nightclothes. “Now?”
“Yes, Ma’am. He didn’t sound sure you would join him but told me he’d like a private word with you. He asked me to come straight to you and not tell your parents.”
“Oh, well, very good.” I looked at her. “You didn’t tell my parents, did you?”
“No Ma’m.”
“Jane, should I get dressed again or do you think I should just go to the garden in my robe?” I really wasn’t sure and hated to put this on the poor girl, but she answered quickly.
“It depends on your relationship with the Captain, Ma’am. Has he seen you in a robe?” She sounded like her inflection and words might get her fired.
“No, but I nursed him and slept in a chair by his bed for many nights.” I looked around the room, smoothing my hair. “I don’t want him caught out there. Get my robe,” I said.
Caspian waited in the same spot I’d seen him the other time, by the bench. He seemed surprised to see me when I came around the corner. Maybe he expected me to get dressed. Did I need to save face? “My servant said it was a matter of urgency,” I said.
He stood but didn’t reach for my hand. He looked slightly awkward, for Caspian at least.
“I’m sorry if it seemed that way. My matter is not urgent except for the fact that I’m here in your parents’ garden in secret, not wanting to be found out.”
We stood six feet apart. “Your visit today was pleasant,” I said. “My mother enjoyed your company very much.” I sat on the bench.
“And you, Rachel? Did you enjoy seeing me again?”
“I did.” We stared at each other for too long. My face grew hot and I was glad it was dark enough that Caspian couldn’t see me blush.
“I hope this isn’t shocking, meeting me like this, but I assumed if you didn’t come, I’d know my attention wasn’t appreciated.” He looked to the ground.
For a married man, Caspian was very forward with this Portland belle of society in his actions, but he was also treading very carefully in his words.
“I’m very happy to see you again, Caspian. Our friendship means a lot to me.”
“And to me. I’ve thought of you these last weeks, wondering if my feelings might be reciprocated.” He turned to me. “Rachel, you know my situation with Jacqueline. I’m not yet free to court you but…”
His voice trailed off and I remembered our conversations over the days I nursed him. They weren’t formal like this and he must wonder what happened to my forthcoming personality.
“I have thought of you too.”
He took my hand in both of his. “I’m happy to hear that news.”
“I think of very little else,” I said. Was this too much? Would he go running for the hills with my behavior?
Apparently not. He pulled me to his chest and held
me against him. I wrapped my arms around him and breathed in his beautiful scent. This was the version of Caspian I was allowed to hug, kiss and so much more. In this time, we weren’t related by blood. I tipped my face up to him and willed him to kiss me.
He laid a chaste one on my lips and I smiled when he pulled away.
“You will ask to court me when you’re divorced?”
“Yes, I will formally go to your father.” He grinned.
“Well then, let’s try kissing this way, “I said and pulled his face to mine.
I slipped back to my room hours later, thinking of Caspian’s reaction to Rachel’s willingness to be physical with him. I didn’t think it was prudent to give myself fully to him but we got awfully close to a home run as Caspian and I passed first base, second base and landed on third base.
I was surprised when I stuck around and the next night met Caspian in the garden again. We consummated our relationship that night and I held back like the demure little spinster I was, not taking the lead or suggesting weird and wonderful Kamasutra positions. When it was evident I was pulling up my nightgown for him, he asked if I was sure I wanted this. If only he’d known how much I wanted it and that we’d already been intimate several times before or that things were grossly out of order in my time traveling and he didn’t need to consider Rachel’s feelings so carefully.
I made sure to explain this was my first time and I loved him. The joy at those words were evident. Not the words first time, but love. Caspian was in love with me too, he said. Because at this point, Caspian had never met the real Rachel, I took that compliment for myself. It was Bryndle he loved so far, not Rachel.
Afterwards, I got into Rachel’s bed to sleep, the feel of Caspian still with me. He’d been so grateful I’d allowed us to be so close. If only he’d known how selfish I was being.
Rachel’s father was away on business and my mother bought the claim that I was coming down with a cold and needed to go to bed very early every night for the next four. It appeared I was sticking around in the 1850’s for the time being and so I tried to avoid any social situation where my trickery as Rachel would be exposed. Saying I wasn’t well seemed to do the job, although on the fourth day I was getting sick, sick of broth and lying around in bed with no phone to play Words with Friends and no TV to watch. My mother had brought books, but they were so boring that I spent most of my days sleeping off the rest I missed each night I met Caspian in the garden.
