by K. M. Raya
“I love you, you stupid, stupid woman,” he growls in my stunned face. He now holds my face between both his hands again, smearing my tears with his thumbs as they mix with water. I can’t breathe, I can’t speak. But he means it. I can see it in his eyes he means every word. “I love you so goddamn much, Helana. And you have no idea how hard that is for me to say, but I do, and I’m not gonna fucking hold it back. I could die today or tomorrow, but not without telling you how I feel.”
“But Jessa…” I clamp my mouth shut, hating the way he makes me blurt out the first worry that comes to mind. Why do I have to be this way?
“Fuck Jessa—” he spits. “Fuck her and every memory I ever made with her. You’re the one I need now. The only one I can trust. The second you took that bullet for me I knew it was always supposed to be you. I’ve been denying it this whole time, afraid you’d do the same thing she did, but I was an idiot. You’re one of us, Helana. You’re my family now, and if you ever put yourself in danger like that for me again I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” I bark, legs practically shaking around his hips. He holds me against the wall with his pelvis, and even through these declarations, he rolls against me, grinding his hardness into my core until I’m nearly panting with the need for relief. “What would you do, Alex?”
He blinks at me, searching my eyes, but as my hips roll again, I see the moment he loses control. His mouth captures mine again, and my hands fist in his sopping wet shirt. I need him out of these clothes or I’m going to go insane. I try to rip it, but the water makes it hold, so I settle for pulling it up and over his head. After tossing it to the floor, my eyes run over his bare torso. Like Dante, he’s covered in tattoos from waistband to chest and they travel down his flexing arms. In the water, his olive skin shines and ripples, and I feel the burning need to run my tongue all over him.
His lips latch onto my neck and he sucks. My head falls back and my eyes roll. Reaching down between us, I fumble for his belt before unbuttoning his wet pants. I yank them off his hips, but they don’t even fall all the way to the shower floor before he’s lifting me higher. We’re in a frenzy. I can't get enough of him to sate me. His hands hook beneath my hips, pressing me into the wall as I hold on to one of his shoulders with my other hand reaching down between us again.
I fist his cock, running my palm up the thick shaft and adding pressure, his eyes roll back in his head and he curses under his breath. Fire ignites in my belly. His low, raspy voice rumbles in my ear, cursing again and again as I stroke him, running my thumb over the wet tip of his cock. He’s engorged, and big enough that my fingertips don’t even touch together as I grip him.
“I can’t stand it…” he growls in my ear. “I need to fuck you now, Helana.”
I can’t even respond in words. My hand leaves his dick and latches onto his other shoulder, making it easier to climb him even higher. This man’s a fucking giant too, just like Wyatt, and he lifts me with terrifying ease. Shoving my hand through his thick black hair, I grip the strands tightly, eliciting a groan from Alex, and in the next moment, he’s thrusting his cock up into me, making me cry out as I’m stretched wide.
He stills for a moment as he sinks all the way in. He groans deeply against my skin, but I need him to move. I need him to make me feel something real, something I’ve been craving since we were trapped in that closet thinking we were about to die. I realized now that I wanted him even then. Against all odds I wanted him badly. And like a glutton for punishment, I still fucking want him. I want him so bad that even though he’s right here inside me, I need to be closer. I’m desperate for it.
He rocks into me harder, slamming my back against the wall with every thrust. My moans and cries carry through the room, bouncing off the walls and only fueling us on. I’m trying to grip his wet shoulders, scratching my nails into his skin as his cock slams in and out of me so fast I’m seeing stars. His grunts fill me with warmth, and every few moments he slows down to grind himself against my pelvic bone, making me squirm and squeal when he hits me just right.
“Fuck!” I shout as he lifts me higher. “Shit, Alex!”
“That’s right,” he whispers roughly. “Louder, baby, let them hear you…”
That makes me scream. I don’t know what comes over me, but it does in waves. I feel like my body is falling to pieces as I scream and shake. My legs lock and my eyes roll back as waves of pressure inside of me release. When my nails scratch down his back, I feel him thicken inside of me. His body stills, and his face buries into my hair as his arms flex. I feel him growl against my throat as he spills inside of me. I’m reveling in the aftershocks as he loosens his grip on my body.
I let my head fall back against the tile, water crashing over us and it’s gone a bit cooler now, but we needed it. Steam still fills the room as we heave in breath after heavy breath, not willing to lose eye contact. Alex searches my face, for what, I’m unsure, but if he’s looking for regret, he won’t find it.
☣
It takes us a few long minutes to get our bearings. Alex released me and set me on my feet, and now we take turns washing each other slowly and reverently. He takes his time, though, when his hands rove over the spot where the bullet sank in deep.
His eyes darken, and I can see him thinking a little too hard. Placing my palm on his bicep, I squeeze lightly. “It’s not your fault.”
With a frown, he forces his eyes to the side and bites the inside of his cheek. “Then why do I feel like shit?”
“Because you’re an asshole and you feel sorry for the way you treated me?” He looks at me with a raised black brow and a slight tilt to his lips, so I keep going. “But you’re an asshole who isn’t responsible for this. I threw myself in front of that bullet, and I’d do it again if I had to. There’s nothing you could have done to stop me, Alex, I promise.”
“You shouldn’t have had to do that. It should've been me saving you…”
“Wow, sexist,” I scoff, and his eyes roll.
“You know what I mean.” He sighs deeply, shutting the water off and grasping my long hair in his hands before twisting them to wring the water out. “Next time, maybe let me be the hero. Let me reattach the testicles you ripped off, okay?”
Snaking my palm down between us, I caress him softly and his eyes go wide and glassy. “Pretty sure they’re both accounted for.” My grin makes him shake his head, black hair brushing his shoulders and dripping onto his skin.
“You keep touching me like this and we’ll waste all the water this place has…” His lips capture mine softly, and he nips at my bottom lip before pulling back. “C’mon, lets rejoin the world before they riot.”
Grabbing the towel off the wall, I wrap it around my body and step out with Alex following after. Stopping short, I try to stifle a gasp as I rear back, smacking into Alex's massive chest. His hands steady my shoulders as I stare at the two men sitting on the bench with wide smiles on their faces. “What the shit!”
Dante’s eyes are burning as he traces me from head to toe, and Wyatt just looks smug. Dante stands up, crossing his arms over his chest. “Still can’t believe it took you guys this long,” he grumbles.
“Shut up,” Alex groans and Wyatt stands and tosses him a towel.
Dante laughs. “I lost sixty bucks because of you and your stubborn ass.” He frowns at Alex.
“Sixty bucks?” I raise an eyebrow. “You do realize money means nothing anymore, right? You could wipe your ass with a hundie and no one would care...” Shaking my head, I trail over to the countertop where my clothes are waiting, but suddenly I turn around again. “Who the fuck did you bet against?!”
Booming laughter fills the locker room and Wyatt raises both his hands, palms forward, “Don’t look at me, I’m not that much of a jerk.”
I look back to Dante, who just shrugs with a wide, devious grin. “Missy may have bet me that he’d finally break, but I thought for sure it would take him another week at least.”
“You guys are all insane,” I groan as I work to pull my pants up my still wet legs. The guys are all watching me, though, so it makes my movements fidgety under their scrutiny.
“So, now that you’ve… y’know, done the deed,” says Dante and we all groan. “does this mean we’re staying together? As a group?” His eyes are full of hope.
I freeze, clutching my shirt in my palms, shoulders tense and afraid to turn around. I know they’re all waiting for me to make the decision, but it’s not really me that has to decide. It’s them. I’m the one who had a destination, a place, a goal I was already on my way to before they ever came into the picture. I’ve been putting this conversation off for a while, afraid of hearing that they didn’t have any intention of following. But I guess now’s as good a time as any.
“I’m leaving,” I blurt, and every single man in the room goes utterly still and quiet. They stare at me, rigid and serious, eyes burning through me. “I was always leaving, you know that… I have people waiting for me, and I have to get back home.” I pause, fidgeting with my shirt. “But I was hoping you’d come with me.” There, I said it. It’s out now. Lost in the wind. It’s up to them to agree and if they don’t, then I guess I have my answer.
Alex steps forward, tightening the towel around his narrow hips. “Where’s home, Helana? I'm not trying to be a dick, but what makes you think anyone you know is still alive?”
It’s a valid question, and one I can't fault him for in the slightest. I’ve asked myself that exact question time and time again since all of this began. Smiling, I walk back into the room and take a seat on the bench, facing my three men. My men. Men who I care about more than words can properly express.
“My family has a ranch the size of a small town out in the Nevada desert.” Their eyes go wide. “I was born and raised on that ranch, and after my mother died, my father created a civilian militia, recruiting all kinds of ex military, cops, firefighters and civilian contractors. They’re not those crazies you hear about on the news… they’re the real deal, and even my brothers are a part of it.”
The guys look skeptical, and I don’t blame them. “Trust me, I know how this sounds, but I just know I have to get back there. If anyone in this whole world could survive this, it’s the people in my father’s militia. I know they’re still out there, and it’s my job to get back to them, and to let my family know I’m still here.”
“You’re serious…” Wyatt whispers. He runs a palm over his sand colored beard, deep in thought. “You seriously think they might be okay?”
Looking them each squarely in the eyes, I set my jaw and nod. “One hundred percent. And I’m going to find them. If you decide to come with me, then that’s awesome. I want you to come with me. I want to be together, all of us, but if you’re not okay with traveling to Nevada to find home, then I promise I won't stick around.”
“You’d leave?” Alex asks. “Just like that?” His voice is filled with hurt.
Shaking my head, I stand and make my way over to him, grasping his hands in mine. “No, not just like that, Alex. It’s never been just like anything. I care about you guys. All of you, I may even be falling in love with you ragtag boys.” I smile, shaking my head at the absurdity of what I just said. But it’s true. I’m falling for these three men whether I’m ready or not. “But it won't stop me from finding home. I have a mission, and I fully intend to stick it through to the end. I hope you can understand that.”
They go silent, and the silence is tense and thick. I know it’s a lot to digest, and it’s a big decision to make, so I don’t fault them for their hesitancy. I just dropped a lot on their plate, and I’m asking them to abandon this safe haven we’ve found in search of a home that I don’t even know for certain is still standing. I’m asking the world of them, but it doesn't stop me from hoping and praying they say yes.
“Yes,” says Alex. All eyes go to him. He looks at the other two, squaring his shoulders and standing taller. “I’ll follow Helana anywhere. I don’t give a fuck anymore. If she thinks there’s a militia out there waiting, then I’m fucking in.”
My heart soars and I feel tears pricking my eyes, but that little crying escapade earlier is a one and done. No way am I ever doing that shit again. Still, the others are silent as they gaze at one another. They’re doing something similar to what Missy and Nina do. Silent communication that stems from a deep intimacy many years in the making. My nerves are on fire as I wait.
One by one, they look back at me and I feel my heart jump into my throat. In a split second, Wyatt grins and Dante rushes me, catching me off guard as he literally sweeps me off my feet. I squeal as he spins me around, my hair flying and my shoes dropping to the floor. “Fuck yeah, we’re in! If you think I’m ever letting you out of my god damn sight again you can think again, babe.”
Relief floods me in waves and I cast my wary gaze over his shoulder to Wyatt. He smiles brightly. “I’m with them, darlin. We go where you go, and that’s that, got it?”
There’s no string of words in the English language that can accurately describe how relieved and utterly insanely happy I am right now, so I settle for, “I love you!”
I blurt it out as Dante sets me back down on my feet. They freeze once again as I slap a hand over my mouth. But I think better of it, standing taller and letting my palms land on my hips, trying to be tough..
“Holy shit,” one of them whispers.
It’s time to woman up. I clear my throat loudly and unnecessarily. “I said I fucking love you idiots and I god damn mean it. If you have a problem with that then you can shove it up your ass.”
They’re barely holding back laughter right now and embarrassment washes over me. I need to get the fuck out of this little love fest before I explode. So, with flaming cheeks, I make a beeline for the locker room door, with a chorus of booming laughter and ‘I love you too’s’ following behind me.
Epilogue
☣
Hell
We’ve been traveling for two weeks. It started off easy, packed in the suv with the fires of the damned on our heels as we blazed down the highway towards Nevada.
Then things got a little hairy. Needless to say, we’ve been on foot for over a week now, unable to find another suitable vehicle that’s large enough to accomodate all of us. I’ll admit, it set me back, but not enough to let myself become disheartened. We were lucky, if you really think about it. We got as far as we did in relative comfort before that beautiful monstrosity of a car pooped out on us, so I guess a little walking is fair.
Every night we have the task of finding somewhere to hunker down, and the feat is getting more and more difficult the further into Nevada we travel. The cities are slowly turning rural, and while that’s a great thing as far as zoms are concerned, it’s not so great when we need some relief from these fucking gas masks. My face is chafed, and my lips are chapped. I’ve been irritable, and everyone can tell.
Wyatt’s even offered to carry me at times when my shoulder feels particularly shitty, but I could never… We’ll, I’ll admit I gave the option a real good think, but I’d never live it down. Missy and Nina still tease me about the offer, so that’s a no go.
We’re getting close now, I can feel it. That, and I recognize where we are. We’re about ten miles outside of my hometown, and my spirits are rising by the hour. We spent the night in an abandoned gas station last night, eating protein bars and drinking warm Gatorade. I can’t complain, though. Not when I’m so close I can taste it. I can practically hear my brother’s laughter, and the rumble of my father’s voice. I can see the front of my home, wraparound porch and all where my mother’s rocking chair still sways in the Nevada wind.
Giddiness fills me, fueling my every step, and I can tell they guys are noticing. Hell, even Missy and Nina are looking a bit more chipper than usual. They used to roam this land with me every ti
me we got leave and made a home here among the tumbleweeds. I’ve spent the last week telling the guys all about my childhood and answering their many questions. They want to know everything, from where I grew up, to who my three crazy brothers are... what my daddy is like.
Just talking about home makes me feel closer to my family than ever. It makes this all seem more real, like they’re really waiting for me right this second. In the back of my mind, though, I still have that niggling little doubt that digs into my brain like a splinter. It’s the what if’s that drive me insane. What if they didn’t make it? What if they’d been outside when the bombs fell? What if I’m alone?
But just as soon as those thoughts rush in, I banish them again. There’s just no way my daddy let some monster fog take him out. No way. He’s tough as nails, probably puffing away on his pipe and whipping those boys into shape, just like always. The thought brings a goofy smile to my face.
Someone bumps my shoulder, snapping me out of my thoughts of home. “What’s that smile for?” asks Ret. She sets her pace even with mine, making sure her arm bumps me every few seconds.
“How can you even know that?” I look forward, keeping my eyes on the road that will take us straight to the ranch in the next few miles.
Beretta and I have been dancing a strange dance ever since we left that store. Sly looks here, soft touches there… it’s confusing me by the day, but I can’t deny that she makes me feel some sort of way. Not sure what it is yet, but I’m getting there.
“Your eyes get all squinty,” she teases. “So what’s got you laughing, is it Dante’s face?”
“I resent that!” he shouts from behind us. He, Wyatt and Alex are lagging a bit, letting me lead the way as we get closer.
“Just thinking of home.” I look over to Ret and she's already gazing back at me. “Ret… I’m worried.”
“About?”
“You know what about. What if…” I don’t even want to say it. “What if they’re gone?” I practically choke on the words as they come out.
