by Olga Wojtas
“I couldn’t wait to be reunited with this character. I utterly love her company. So funny, so brisk, and above all, so well educated! More, more, more, please.” Lynne Truss
Praise for Miss Blaine’s Prefect and the Golden Samovar:
Shortlisted: CrimeFest Last Laugh Award 2019
Longlisted: Comedy Women in Print Prize 2019
“A delightful addition to the ranks of comic crime, mixing sharp observation with a lightness of touch.” Laura Wilson, Guardian
“A hefty dose of Jane Austen stylings and Stella Gibbons satirical wit.” The Scotsman
“Every bit as light-hearted, level-headed, inventive, hilarious, and altogether enchanting as its heroine, who richly deserves another jaunt through time and space.” Kirkus, starred review
“Marvellous… [a] laugh-out-loud farce… Readers will appreciate the skill with which Wojtas mirrors Spark’s style.” Publishers Weekly, starred review
“I loved this book. Shona is a unique sleuth whose mission made for most entertaining reading.” Alex Gray
“Knowing, original and very funny.” Simon Brett
“A carefully and delightfully constructed romp in the tradition of Gogol and of Wodehouse.” Northwords Now
“Anna Karenina written by P.G. Wodehouse.” Linda Cracknell
“A thrilling and fast-paced tale … written with verve, lightness of touch and joie de vivre … unadulterated fun.” Alistair Braidwood, Scots Whay Hae
“The crème de la crème of crime fiction debuts.” Allan Guthrie
“Clever, witty, and brain-tickling.” Raven Crime Reads
“Laugh-out-loud funny and a real charmer of a book.” Live and Deadly
For Lesley
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Acknowledgements
The Author
Also by Olga Wojtas
Copyright
One
I was in the dark, literally and metaphorically. What would happen if I moved? I might plunge to my doom or step in something unsavoury. A risk not worth taking. I stood stock-still, pretty difficult considering I was still suffering the severe abdominal pain that is a side effect of time travel.
It was pitch-black and there wasn’t a breath of air. I must be inside. But inside what? The belly of a whale? An Ethiopian underground church? A salt mine?
In the distance I could make out a faint, metallic sound, like the dragging of heavy chains, and keys turning in padlocks. I inadvertently shifted in that direction: a serious mistake. My lower calf hit something and I toppled backwards.
I fell into some sort of a receptacle. It felt very snug. Too snug. I was stuck fast. My arms were jammed down by my sides, but I could wiggle my hands. Gingerly, I began a fingertip search of my surroundings.
I was encased in wood. The sides were some eighteen inches high. It felt as though there were pieces of earth and gravel at the edges. With difficulty, and a lot of breathing exercises, I eased them up and out.
My stomach was still sore, and my head ached as though there was a tight band across my forehead. I reached up to massage it and discovered there was a tight band across my forehead. I was wearing a head torch. I definitely hadn’t been wearing a head torch a moment ago. In Morningside Library.
With a struggle, I managed to wriggle my shoulders free, lean my elbows on the wooden sides of whatever I was in, and propel myself semi-upright. I switched on the head torch and almost fell back into the container as light burst all around me, and I saw myself reflected hundreds, thousands of times, to infinity and beyond.
It was a hall of mirrors. No, it was the Hall of Mirrors. In the Palace of Versailles. Squinting and blinking, I recognised the seventeen arches, each containing twenty-one mirrors, separated by marble columns, and gloriously gilded.
But something was wrong. The endless reflections meant the mirrors were being mirrored, rather than facing a wall of windows. And either the Hall of Mirrors had shrunk, or I had grown. I’d always envied Alice in Wonderland with her “Eat Me” cake that made her bigger. Just the thing to intimidate Heriot’s boys. But I hadn’t eaten a cake, or even a Bourbon biscuit.
I put my hands on the rough edges of the wooden container and eased myself out, my eyes still adjusting to the head torch’s reflected brilliance. But I could see now it definitely wasn’t Versailles. I was in a large windowless hall, its two longer walls replicating the palace’s mirrors. Hanging from the ceiling were chandeliers holding pristine beeswax candles. At the far end was a wooden stage, with stacks of wooden folding chairs leaning against it. The wall at the back of the stage was disappointingly plain, without a scrap of gilt or glass. Its only ornament was a large shield with a series of black upside-down Vs on a grey background.
There was an upright piano by the steps up to the stage. I went over to check it out, and found it was made by the distinguished French company Érard – not top-grade but pretty good. I was about to play a few notes but stopped. I wasn’t here to enjoy myself, and there would be time for the school song on the successful completion of my mission.
That mission might not yet be clear, but success was essential. My recent encounter with Marcia Blaine, the eponymous founder of my alma mater, the Marcia Blaine School for Girls, had been extremely unpleasant and I had to succeed, both for the honour of the school and to restore my own credibility.
The sight of the mirrored hall made me forget the container I had recently vacated. Now, as I walked to the other end of the room – another drearily plain wall punctuated by a large wooden door – I had a clear view of it. It was a coffin. A coffin with a note in it. I lifted out the piece of paper and read the few words written on it in French: “Souviens-toi, tu dois mourir.”
In my head, the English was snappier: “Remember you must die.”
I wondered if the note qualified as a tautology. After all, there’s nothing like a coffin for reminding you that you must die. I ran my hand over the rest of the base but there were no other clues, apart from the small bits of earth. I decided to investigate further, licking my finger, pressing it on the earth, and licking it again. It tasted quite Scottish – like the mineral gleys you find all over the country. This surprised me, since the note, and the make of piano, not to mention the Hall of Mirrors, pointed to somewhere Francophone. But French isn’t exactly unknown in Scotland, ever since we joined forces in 1295 to resist the ruthless expansionism of the Auld Enemy.
Perhaps I would get a clue as to where and when I was if I found out what I was wearing.
I walked up to one of the mirrors. My head was obliterated by the reflection, but I could see a russet-coloured two-piece suit: a close-fitting jacket nipped in at the waist, over a high-necked frilled and pleated white blouse, and a long tulip-bell skirt that just skimmed my ankles. I stuck out my foot and was relieved to see that I still had on my trusty Doc Martens. You never know what you’re going to meet on a mission, and sturdy, comfortable footwear is essential.
My attention was caught by another noise away in the distance, like the howl of a wolf. I closed my eyes and listened. I could faintly hear voices. It was as though someone had left a radio on somewhere and it was broadcasting a play. The howling and the clanking must have been sound effects. But it was too indistinct to hear the dialogue and work out the language. By now, I had a sore head, a sor
e stomach and a slight tingling sensation in my extremities. I felt a brisk walk would do me good.
As I turned, I nearly tripped over something. The endless reflections from my head torch were so confusing that I had failed to see what was on the floor, lying beside the open coffin. A small suitcase, leather over a wooden frame, with brass caps on the corners. It was new, and the style suggested it dated from the late nineteenth century, when suitcases first came into fashion, superseding unwieldy travel trunks. There was a name stencilled on it: S. A. McMonagle. I was pretty sure it was mine, since I’m Shona Aurora McMonagle, and Miss Blaine assured me on a previous occasion that she would be responsible for the practicalities when I was sent on a mission.
I picked it up. It was heavy, but my weight-training stood me in good stead. You start losing muscle mass when you’re in your thirties, up to five per cent each decade, unless you do regular resistance exercise.
I made my way down the mirrored hall to the double doors; there was a serious-looking lock, but they were just on a latch. I opened them and stepped outside into the fresh air. High mountains loomed over everything, craggy and oppressive. It must be either dawn or dusk, the sun newly set or about to rise, but I could get no sense of which, because the mountains blocked out the sun, wherever it might be. This definitely wasn’t Scotland – these sharp peaks were well over the height of Ben Nevis.
I switched off the head torch and studied my immediate surroundings. I was looking down a slope on to an Alpine village, perched precariously on a high mountain valley. Half-timbered chalets with stone-built ground floors and white plastered walls were separated by narrow, roughly cobbled lanes. The ground floors were clearly storage areas, as wooden steps led to doors at the first-floor level. From my vantage point, I saw that most of the chalets had a sizeable back garden, practically a pasture.
I looked round at the building I had just left. It was only a single storey, built entirely of wood, but it was larger and more imposing than everything else round about. In fact, it seemed even larger now than when I was inside, a sort of reverse Tardis. It didn’t seem to have had any other rooms leading off the central hall as there were no other doors – or any windows. If they were round the back, that wasn’t very practical, since the town hall backed on to, or rather into, a mixed coniferous forest that looked positively impenetrable.
A red, white and blue tricolour flag fluttered from the sharply slanting roof, and above the double doors was a carved sign that read Mairie de Sans-Soleil. The Town Hall of Sunless. A very unprepossessing name for a village. But perhaps that was just my own prejudice – I pride myself on my sunny disposition, which always inclines me to look on the bright side. And I was particularly delighted by this confirmation that I was in France, where I knew the locals would welcome a citizen from the other side of the Auld Alliance. Plus, my French is pretty nifty.
Narrow stone steps led down the slope to the village. As I descended and made my way through the maze of lanes, the strong scent of pine from the forests around the valley gave way to the occasional whiff of something quite unpleasant. A smell of decay. But the chalets I passed were neat and well-maintained.
I found myself in the village square. In the middle was a stone plinth with the statue of a monk on it, his hands raised heavenwards: in one hand, a bottle, and in the other, what looked very like a truckle of cheese. He must be the village’s venerated patron saint.
A road sign pointing down a lane in the opposite direction to the town hall read “Paris 562km”. All of the buildings round the square seemed residential apart from one, smaller and shabbier than the others. Smoke filtered out of its chimney, and a dilapidated sign hung outside: Chez Maman.
Since I didn’t know what part of France I was in, it wasn’t clear whether I should call it a café or an estaminet. Better to use the Scottish name: a howff. The door was open – when I walked in, I discovered this was to get rid of the thick fug of smoke. The windows were covered in grime and looked as though they hadn’t been opened in decades.
I seemed to be spending my initial hours in Sans-Soleil adjusting my eyes to different light levels. The howff was tiny, just a few round tables and a scattering of old wooden chairs. But what concerned me more was the clientele. A group of men, all wearing dark three-piece suits, which seemed respectable enough, but in the murk their pale faces looked sinister. One man was surrounded by four others, and I sensed that he was about to get, as the Glaswegians so picturesquely put it, “a doing”.
I believe violence is never the answer. There are other ways to deal with difficult situations. Take Morningside, for example. People shape up pretty fast when they find nobody in the fish queue nodding to them.
I quickly weighed up which of my martial arts skills would be best for taking on four potential assailants in an enclosed space, surrounded by glass bottles. But suddenly the man at the heart of the group shook himself free of their grasp and stepped forward to greet me, hand outstretched. He was young, probably late thirties. He had the look of a wide boy, and clearly fancied himself, but I had to concede he had a certain louche charm.
“A visitor to our little village! Let me welcome you – I am the mayor of Sans-Soleil.” He shook my hand warmly, dodged round so that he was safely between me and the door, and gestured towards the others. “May I present some of our most distinguished citizens? Our judge and teacher and police officer and undertaker and cheesemonger.”
All in one breath without a comma in sight. I peered into the darkness at the disgruntled group. “Sorry,” I said in perfect French, “I can see only four gentlemen, not five.”
“That’s right,” said the mayor. He gestured towards them again. “Our judge. Our teacher. Our police officer. Our undertaker and cheesemonger.”
The switch from the absence of commas to the presence of full stops clarified the situation. The mayor hadn’t said which was which, but even though none of them was wearing any sort of badge of office, it was obvious. I shook hands with the distinguished middle-aged man with the long beard. “Your Honour.”
I moved on to the tall, severe-looking man with the bushy side whiskers. “Professor.”
I greeted the young, muscular, moustachioed man with the piercing stare. “Officer.”
And finally, the chubby, florid young man who was clearly more cheesemonger than undertaker. “Sir.”
They looked puzzled. “I’m the judge,” said the chubby, florid young man.
“I’m the teacher,” said the young, muscular, moustachioed man with the piercing stare.
“I’m the police officer,” said the tall, severe-looking man with the bushy side whiskers.
“And I’m the undertaker and cheesemonger,” said the distinguished middle-aged man with the long beard.
So I had to go through it all again, “Your Honour”, “Professor”, “Officer”, “Sir”.
“And you are?” asked the mayor.
I thought of doing that bit in Educating Rita, where Michael Caine says to Julie Walters, “And you are?” and she says, “Am I what?”, but I realised there was little chance they would have seen it, so I just said, “Madame McMonagle”.
“What a very strange name,” said the middle-aged, distinguished undertaker and cheesemonger.
This irked me. We East Coast McMonagles are very proud of the French root of our name, mon aigle, my eagle, which goes back to the earliest days of the Auld Alliance.
“Say again?” said the chubby, florid young judge.
Our name might have a French root, but it’s been Scotticised, and I wasn’t going to reFrancophone it.
“Madame McMonagle,” I repeated.
He shook his head. I was going to have to break it down for them.
“Anyone know about art?” I asked, looking at the muscular, moustachioed teacher. He gave a Gallic shrug, which I always find a wee bit irritating.
“I know a bit,” said the tall, bewhiskered police officer.
“OK,” I said, “what do you call a small model
of a sculpture?”
“Is it a maquette?” he asked.
“Yes, very good. Now just say the first syllable.”
“Maque,” he said.
I took a slight gamble on my next question, but a calculated one. I ran into a bit of difficulty on my previous mission when I wasn’t entirely clear what date it was. I hadn’t yet found out the date here, but I knew the person I was thinking of had been born long before the invention of the suitcase.
“Now, an Impressionist painter–”
“Renoir!” shouted out the muscular, moustachioed teacher.
I gave him the look I used as a prefect when the second years were playing up. “I haven’t finished yet,” I said. “An Impressionist painter–”
“Cézanne!” said the middle-aged, distinguished undertaker and cheesemonger.
“No, he’s Post-Impressionist. Will you all wait until I’ve finished the question? I’m looking for a founder of the Impressionist movement, very keen on haystacks.”
There was a long silence. Then the mayor said hesitantly, “Monet?”
“Exactly. So, Maque-Monet. And now, last question: what’s the word for an animal’s face?”
Since we were talking in French, they didn’t have to ponder words like “snout” or “muzzle”.
“Gueule,” they all chorused.
“Put them together, and what have you got?”
“Maque. Monet. Gueule,” they all said.
“That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.”
“But please, do sit down, madame,” said the mayor, carefully not wearing out my name, although you could see him savouring it in his head: Madame Maque. Monet. Gueule.
“Perhaps something to drink?”
“That would be lovely. A wee cup of tea.”
An ancient cracked voice came from the corner. “Tea? What sort of an establishment do you think this is?”
I looked over, and now that my eyes were getting accustomed to the howff’s gloom, I could see that there was a bar at the back and behind it was a withered crone, her head just visible above the wooden counter. Her face looked very white against the blackness of her surroundings. She had been smoking a pipe, which she was now jabbing in my direction. This was presumably Maman, chez whom we were, and I didn’t much like the look of her.
