‘He’s President of this club, Zeb, and it isn’t my place to get involved in any of Mack’s decisions.’
I can’t help but laugh. Is he kidding me? ‘There won’t be a fucking club if he continues the way he’s going, you hearing me? Ain’t no brother I know want to change the way things are, but Mack – he wants to turn all that around, start again…’
‘You think he has an ulterior motive for that?’
I narrow my eyes and open my mouth to speak, but then I stop myself. Because I think Sam’s leading me here, he’s pushing me. And I ain’t some wet-behind-the-ears idiot who’s gonna get swayed by his way of talking. ‘You’re changing the subject. What the fuck has any of this got to do with you wanting me to kill my father?’
Sam shrugs, and for some reason that makes me want to smack that almost smug expression right off his face. ‘He took Mack’s mother away from him.’
‘Then tell Mack what he did. Let Mack deal with him.’
He says nothing to that. He just fixes me with a look that I can’t read.
‘You really think this is necessary, huh? After all these years?’
‘And you’re accusing Mack of being weak?’
Oh, man, I ain’t taking that crap. No fucker tells me I’m weak. No-one. ‘Don’t call me weak, Sam. Don’t do that.’
He looks at me, just stares right at me. ‘This fight you and Mack had last night, was it anything to do with Izzi?’
‘Why the fuck do people keep asking me that? No. It wasn’t about Izzi.’
‘You’re lying.’
‘This has got nothing to do with Izzi.’
‘You don’t think Mack still has feelings for her?’
‘Y’know what? This is bullshit. You want me to go end my father, I’ll do it. That make you happy? Is that what you want? I’ll go right now, put a bullet in his fucking brain…’
He bows his head and I stop talking, because I feel the atmosphere shift slightly. And he seems different, when he looks back up at me. ‘No, Zeb. That isn’t what I want. Not yet.’
‘You’re asking me to kill my own family, Sam.’
‘You work for me now, remember?’
‘And I agreed to that to keep him safe, to keep him alive. And now you’re changing the rules?’
‘There were no rules, Zeb. Not really.’
I laugh and rake a hand through my hair, turning away from him. ‘Jesus…’ I swing back around to face him. ‘Why haven’t you told Mack, huh? Why haven’t you told him it was his uncle who killed the mom he never knew? You tell him that, and if he’s half the man he should be he’ll go end that bastard’s life himself.’
‘I don’t want him to know, Zeb. He doesn’t need to know.’
‘So you’re protecting him from the truth but it’s OK for me to kill my own father? And if I don’t want no part of this, what then? Suddenly I’m not worthy of your trust no more? After every fucking thing I’ve done for you?’
‘I’m not saying that… This life isn’t an easy one, Zeb. It’s full of lies and betrayal and the only person you can really trust is yourself.’
I’m just fucking confused now. And I keep my eyes fixed on him as he moves a step or two closer to me, his hands still in his pockets, his expression dark.
‘I trust you won’t be seeing Kes again until I tell you to do so.’
That wasn’t a question. That was an order. But I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do. I just ain’t telling him that…
Mack
I’m minding my own business, leaning back against my bike, drawing on a joint when Sam pulls up in his ridiculously suburban black car. Who’s he trying to fucking kid?
‘You come to see someone?’ I ask, blowing smoke into the air as he shuts the car door and walks over to me.
‘You, actually. I need a word.’
I raise an eyebrow and take one more drag on the joint before throwing the remainder on the ground and stamping it into the concrete. ‘What about?’ I ain’t in any kinda mood today so this better be quick.
‘Remember what I told you, Mack? If you still want Izzi then you need to walk away – from this club, from this town, from this life, you can’t stay here.’
‘I ain’t doing this, Sam, OK? So take whatever bullshit this is and shove it.’
‘I think you still want her. And I think you’re already planning how that’s gonna happen…’ He stops talking and looks right at me, his eyes almost penetrating my fucking soul he’s staring that deep. ‘And I also think you know – you know, don’t you? You know that the only way you and her can ever be together is to leave everything you’ve ever known behind and start again. A whole new life. A brand new beginning.’
‘You’re talking crap, Sam.’
‘Just be careful, Mack.’
What the hell is this? What fucking right does he have to come here and lay this shit on me? ‘Anything else you want?’ I ain’t giving him what he’s looking for. He ain’t getting a reaction.
‘She’s happy, with Zeb.’
‘You know that, do you?’
‘You know different?’
‘Like I said, Sam, take this bullshit and shove it.’
I leave him outside and head into the clubhouse. My world really ain’t like it used to be. There are days now when I feel like all this crap’s going on around me but I’m just watching from the sidelines, looking in on something I’m slowly being pulled back from. I’m moving further and further away from everything I’ve ever known and I could easily stop that from happening, I just don’t want to. I want something different, but only if she’s with me. She made me this way, she turned me into this person and now I’ve gotta see whether we’re going full circle on this one. Or whether my life really is just gonna be fucked up for the rest of it.
‘Hey. Mack.’
Jesus, I need this, don’t I?
‘What?’ I turn around to face Zeb, his face only slightly cut and bruised from yesterday. Thought I’d done way more damage than that. Yeah. Really must be losing my touch.
He walks over to me, and I’m ready for anything he’s gonna throw at me ‘cause, man, I really ain’t in no mood. ‘Listen, brother, I just wanna say, I’m sorry. OK?’
What the fuck…? ‘Sorry?’
‘For what I said about you and Izzi. I put her straight, y’see. Told her where her loyalties gotta lie now. She’s my old lady and she gotta play by those rules.’
I narrow my eyes and stare him down. The fucking pricks are coming outta the woodwork today.
‘But when I said you weren’t fit to be President, no… I meant that. My wife, she’s messed with your head, she’s made you weak and I don’t think you’re ever gonna come back from that. I think you’re done here, Mack. So, here’s the thing. If Izzi ain’t ever gonna play that game no more, and you can’t let that go, then there’s really no place for you here no more. Is there?’
Fuck this shit! I’m freakin’ done with the assholes today.
I walk away without giving him anything, ‘cause he ain’t gonna play me like that. And right now I got somewhere I need to be. Somewhere where weak is the last thing I’m gonna fucking be…
Izzi
‘Here. You look like you could do with this.’
Cora hands me a tumbler with more than a decent measure of vodka in it and I smile my thanks and take a sip, scrunching my eyes shut as the liquid sears my throat.
‘You can talk to me, Izzi. I been around this life long enough to see the signs, to know when something ain’t right and you, honey – you’re showing those signs.’
I take another sip of vodka and pull myself up onto the counter, watching as Cora applies the last of her make-up. She’s on stage in a little while, and I’m going to hang around and watch her. I’ve been hanging around Six for most of the day, if I’m honest. I just needed to be somewhere Zeb and Mack weren’t, and it’s been nice, hanging out with the girls and watching them work. Do I miss being a part of all that? Not really. No. I think that time
in my life was more messed-up than I believed it to be. And even if I wanted to get back out there, I can’t. Not now. Zeb wouldn’t allow it. ‘I don’t know what to do, Cora.’
‘About what?’
I cross my legs up underneath myself and look down into the tumbler, swirling the vodka round and around inside the glass. I don’t know how much to tell her. I don’t how safe it is to tell her anything, do I trust her? I need to, if I’m going to tell her how I’m really feeling.
She turns in her chair and I feel her eyes on me, so I look up.
‘You’re asking yourself if you can trust me, aren’t you?’
I smile, but it’s a weak one. ‘Yes. Because I…’ I shrug and take another sip of vodka, waiting until it hits my stomach before I speak again. ‘Sometimes I wish I could go back, y’know? Deal with everything in a very different way.’
‘And not be a part of all this, huh?’
I bow my head and take a deep breath. ‘I guess I lived on adrenaline, because all I could see was that retribution I thought I so desperately needed. And when it happened… when I finally got what I thought I’d wanted… needed…’ I stop talking and throw back my head, taking another deep breath and exhaling slowly, my fingers wrapping tightly around the tumbler. ‘It took a while, for that adrenaline rush to fade, for me to actually begin to settle down and realize just what the hell I’d done.’ I look at Cora, and her eyes – they’re kind. They’re probably the kindest eyes I’ve ever looked into since this whole fucked-up journey began. So, yeah, I think I can trust her. I think I have to, because I’m going to go crazy if I keep this bottled up inside for too much longer. ‘But now I’m seeing everything that little bit clearer.’
‘What did you do, honey?’
‘I killed a man.’
She says nothing to that. She doesn’t flinch, her expression doesn’t even waver, it’s like she half expected that answer. And she doesn’t push me on it, she doesn’t ask me to elaborate and I wonder if that’s because she already knows what happened; what I did, and my reasons why.
She rests her chin in her hand and her eyes stay locked on mine. ‘Do you feel like you belong here? In this world? In this life?’
‘I used to. I used to think there was no way I could ever go back, after everything I’d done; everything that had happened. I used to think that this was it now. And I thought I was OK with that, y’know? I had Zeb and Sam and a life that was treating me all right. I just… I just don’t know if it’s the life I want anymore; if it’s the life I need.’
‘And what about Zeb? You regret marrying him?’
I drop my gaze and finish the vodka, closing my eyes as the last of the alcohol settles in my stomach. ‘I don’t know. He makes me feel safe and yet, at the same time, he scares me. And sometimes I’m all right with that, because somewhere inside there’s this woman who still gets off on the risks and the fear this whole fucked-up world throws at me. Zeb turned me into that woman, and she’s still there, I mean, it’s going to be hard to ever rid myself of her. I’ll never completely be the woman I used to be, and I’m not sure I want to be her anyway. But I don’t know if I can be the woman Zeb wants me to be, either.’ I look back up at Cora. ‘I don’t really know who I am now.’
‘Do you love him, Izzi? Zeb. Do you love him?’
‘There are days when I love him so much, or that’s what it feels like. And there are days when I don’t know what I feel.’ I sigh quietly and put the empty glass down beside me, clasping my hands together in my lap, my eyes back down. ‘He came home last night, drunk and full of hell… Him and Mack, they’d had some kind of fight at the clubhouse, and I don’t know what had gone on or what it was about, but suddenly he’s laying all that macho biker shit on me – I belong to him now, I play by his rules… He accused me of still having feelings for Mack and I…’
‘Do you?’
My head shoots up and my eyes lock with hers. ‘Do I what?’
‘Still have feelings for Mack?’
‘Yes.’ The word slips out of my mouth so quickly, without giving me time to even think about what I’m saying, but as soon as it’s out there it feels as though a huge weight has just lifted from my shoulders. But I also know that, in this world, what I’m about to admit to means that weight will return, heavier and more dangerous than ever.
‘What you and Mack had…?’
‘Was a mess, Cora. It was a real, crazy mess, because my head was so fucked-up, I had no idea what I was doing. And he didn’t deserve the crap I put him through. And I regret what happened, I regret what I did; I regret pushing him away for something that only fucked me up even more. I’ve been stupid and I crossed lines I wish I hadn’t gone anywhere near and I regret… I regret losing him.’
‘Oh, honey…’ She reaches out and takes my hand and I like the way it feels when she squeezes it gently. It’s a true, pure, friendly gesture with no ulterior motive or hidden meaning and for a few, brief seconds everything feels normal in a world that is so far from that.
‘He wanted to leave this life, Cora. He was willing to give up everything for me and I threw that back in his face, and he still came looking for me. But it was too late.’
She squeezes my hand again and I bite down on my lip to try and stop the tears from falling, Jesus, I’m crying? I can’t do that. I can’t do this. I can’t risk it. I need to suck it all up and get on with the life I’ve been handed. I need to grow up, move on and be that person I have to be now.
‘It’s too late,’ I whisper, pulling my hand from Cora’s and sliding down from the countertop.
‘Izzi…’
She stands up and comes over to me, but I just want to go outside now and get another drink. ‘You won’t say anything to anyone, will you? About what I’ve said. I’m Zeb’s old lady, Cora, and I need to start working at that. I need to be his wife because anything else… anything else isn’t an option anymore.’
‘Isn’t it?’
I look at her, and there’s something behind her eyes that I can’t quite read. They’re almost sad, and that confuses me slightly. And then she reaches out and takes both my hands in hers but her eyes never leave mine.
‘You get one life, Izzi. One. And you know how quickly and cruelly that life can be taken away sometimes. You’ve still got yours. And you need to live it your way. Don’t make it one you regret, darlin’. Please – don’t do that.’
She quickly lets go of me as the door opens and a few of the other girls come piling in, and the room suddenly fills with chatter and laughter and I watch as Cora flicks some invisible switch, pulling herself back to the bright and confident woman I know as she greets the others, slipping into their conversations like she’d been there from the beginning. But I don’t feel like hanging around here anymore, so I head back out into the bar.
Loud, heavy rock music fills the air and I lean back against the wall and just glance around the place for a minute or two. It’s almost full again, of bikers and the women who want to be close to them, and I know I don’t really want to go out there and be with those people who make up my world now. I just don’t feel like it tonight. So I get a beer from the bar and resume my position at the back of the club, looking out instead of joining in. And that scares me just a little, that I’m slowly distancing myself from this life I’ve been given. My second chance? Do I still believe that?
I down a mouthful of beer and take another look around the bar, and then I see him. Zeb. My husband. My protector. My keeper? He strikes an imposing figure as he strides over to a group of Soldiers all gathered around the pool table, slapping a few backs and drawing laughter from most of them as he leans in to tell them something they’re obviously finding amusing. He’s one hell of a hot-looking bastard, I can’t deny that, and as I continue to watch him I feel my stomach react; flip over like some infatuated schoolgirl’s. And then I remember last night and the look in his eyes and the reality takes over.
I glance down and wonder if I should go. I’m not really in the mood to
hang around here now, I’ve been at Six for most of the day and I just want to go home, order in pizza and watch some TV. And I want to do that alone. I think I just need some time to readjust, all over again.
‘Hey, princess.’
His voice makes my head shoot up and his eyes meet mine and I don’t know what to think now, because his eyes aren’t cold and dark anymore. He’s back to the Zeb I fell in love with. Or maybe that’s just the Zeb I want to see. Have I really just blocked out the kind of man he really is? Because I know the kind of man he really is. And that’s the man I married. ‘I’m not in the mood, Zeb.’
‘You don’t want my company?’
‘I don’t want anyone’s company. That’s why I’m going home, alone.’
He frowns, and his eyes narrow slightly. ‘You don’t want me to come with you?’
‘I don’t want you in my bed tonight, no.’ And I don’t. But it wasn’t until I said the words out loud that I realized I meant them. I really do just want to be alone tonight.
‘Baby, I’m sorry, OK?’ He reaches out and gently cups my cheek, his actions and the tone of his voice so at odds with who he was last night, it’s confusing. Because the second his hand connects with my skin I feel my insides flutter. ‘For being such a jerk last night. Mack he just – he winds me up sometimes, ‘cause I see the way he…’ He drops his gaze as my hand on his wrist lets him know I don’t want to do this again. I’m tired. Or am I just scared I’ll give myself away? ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers as he looks back up, his eyes once more meeting mine. ‘Because I love you, Izzi, and the last thing I want to do is scare you. I want to protect you, baby. That’s all I wanna do.’
Does he? I don’t know what to think anymore.
‘I don’t want us to fight, princess.’
I throw him a wry smile. ‘Come on, Zeb. You know we’re going to fight, it’s what we do.’
He smiles too, and I pull my hand away from his wrist and his thumb lightly strokes my cheek as his mouth gently lowers down onto mine. And I fall into him, let his arm around my waist pull me closer because he’s my husband. I gave myself to him and now I have to commit to that role and I will, because I do love him. It’s just a kind of love I can’t really explain.
Betrayed (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 2) Page 7
