“Oh Suz, I wanted him to be something he wasn’t,” said Claire sadly.
“And what was that?” asked Suzy.
“I wanted him to be the man of my dreams, not the man of my nightmares.”
“Babe, I don’t get it, was he into freaky stuff or something? He sure doesn’t look like the type, although he does look yummy.”
“Um Suz, earth to Suz, come back now. What I mean is he’s just like my father.” Suzy was quiet for so long, Claire wondered if she was still there. Over a bottle of wine one evening, she’d told Suzy all about her years of abuse at the hands of her father.
“Claire, why would you think that?” asked Suzy.
“Remember when I told you Jason tried to loan me money and the fight we had over it? You explained to me that he had helped several people you knew.”
“Yeah, so you’re still mad about that?”
“No, other things have happened Suz, things I can’t get over.”
She went on to tell her about the papers she’d found in his briefcase while they were in Charleston, about the incident at the hospital and then finally what Billy had told her.
When she was finished Suzy for once was actually speechless. “Wow, he has been a busy boy hasn’t he? He’s like a fairy godmother or something isn’t he?”
“You see don’t you Suz? He’s everything I’ve been running from my whole life. I had to get away, make the break before it was too late.”
“Claire, I know you haven’t had an easy life, hell, it’s pretty much raised its leg and peed right on you. Jason has for sure lost control there a bit, no doubt. Actually, a little bat shit crazy on the giving money away for free but I already thought that. Sweetie, I don’t think he’s anything like your father. I know he’s scaring you by trying to take care of all of your needs before you even know you have them, but I’m telling you, the man has a good heart. Can you honestly say there was an instance when you felt like your father had a good heart? Did you ever feel like he was trying to protect and care for you?”
“No, but Suz, you don’t know how my father started off. Abusive people usually escalate over time; they probably don’t just go off the deep end immediately. We’d only been together for a short time and really not even in a relationship and look at how he had taken over my life. What would it be like in a month or a year? Would I even recognize myself then?” Claire felt a sob escape from her throat and fought for calm.
Suzy as if sensing how close she was to losing it, took a quieter tone, all joking gone from her voice. “Sweetie, do you know what I think you need to do? I think you need to talk to the one person who can tell you how things started off with your father, your mother. You’re still hurting and traumatized from everything you and your family suffered. It would probably do your mother some good to get it out as well.”
“Suz, I can’t; she isn’t up to talking about this, and I can’t risk upsetting her.”
“Sweetie did you ever stop to think that your mother needs it as much as you do? You have spent these last few years since your father and sister died trying to pretend that nothing bad happened. It’s so bottled up inside you that you’re ready to explode. Give your mother a chance to be your mom, to be strong for you for once. Go talk to her before you throw away your chance with Jason.”
“I… I’ll think about it Suz; I will,” promised Claire.
“Good because I don’t have many more inspirational talks left in me; I’m practically breaking out in hives right now.” Despite herself, she laughed long and hard. Claire loved that Suzy always knew when she needed it. “Ok girl, I gotta run, love you and all that stuff.” With a click, she was gone. That was Suzy, in like a tornado, out like a tornado.
Chapter Twenty Six
Claire tossed and turned all night, going over and over what Suzy had said. Could she be right about Jason? Was there a good man under the take-charge exterior? Suzy was right; there was only one person who could set her mind at ease. She desperately wanted to talk to her mother but maybe Louise was a good starting point. Louise’s sister usually dropped her off for the day around nine, so she rushed to catch her for a cup of coffee before she talked to her mother.
She arrived a little earlier than usual and checked with Glenda at the nurse’s station. Her mother rested well and was on her way to morning therapy. Glenda also said that Louise hadn’t arrived yet. Claire thanked her and walked to the front entrance to wait for her. In a few moments, she saw a long blue Cadillac pulling in front of the circular drive and Louise getting out of the passenger side. Claire shuddered as the Cadillac took off at a fast clip. She could easily imagine Louise hanging on for dear life as her sister sped through the city.
Louise looked surprised but pleased to see her standing inside the doorway. Louise said, “It’s good to see you smiling this morning honey; you have been so quiet this week.”
“I know Louise, there’s been a lot to take in lately, and I’m just now catching my breath. Mom just went down for her physical therapy, so I thought we could have a cup of coffee if you like?"
There was a small coffee shop located in the hospital that served coffee and cappuccinos as well as various pastries. Claire and Louise both chose a regular coffee and fresh hot cinnamon rolls. They settled into a table at the back of the room with their purchases. The shop was a revolving door of doctors and nurses getting their morning fill of caffeine to start their day.
“Louise, I know we haven’t talked about it but what’re your plans if we sell the house? You’re more than welcome to stay with me. My apartment is on the small side, but I would be happy to have you there,” offered Claire.
“You’re a sweet child to worry about this old woman but don’t. My sister Janet and I’ve talked, and I plan to move in with her. Her husband has been gone for a long time now. She stays busy with her senior group and bingo, but she’s lonely in the house by herself. She’s already agreed to bring me to visit Evelyn as often as I want, and we get along well. I want you to promise to come see me though honey. I never had children, I didn’t need them. You and Chrissie were always my babies.”
Claire felt tears gather in her eyes. For someone who never cried, she never seemed to stop now. “I promise I will and you know I think of you as a mother as well." When they’d both gotten themselves somewhat under control, Claire looked at Louise and said, “I wanted to talk to you about my father. I know you weren’t there in the beginning, but I want to know if you ever saw good in him?” Louise looked at her in surprise; sadness etched in the corners of her mouth.
“Honey, I wondered when or if you’d ever be strong enough to ask about him. I know we’ve mentioned him plenty but we never really talked about him. Your mama and I did though, quite a lot. I think it helped her to have an outlet for her anger. I asked your mama once almost the same question; was he good to her in the beginning and when did it change?
“They met in college, which you know. Your mama said she was quiet and shy back then, kind of a wallflower. Even though we both know from the pictures she was beautiful, still is, she was always more involved in her studies than dating. When your daddy started paying attention to her, she was flattered. All the girls in school were chasing him, and it made her feel special to have someone like him chasing her. She started going out with him, and even though she caught him talking to other girls a lot, he always had an excuse. By that time, she was so in love with him she believed every word he said. He would insult her in front of his friends to embarrass her and then beg her to forgive him later. He always found a way to make it her fault. She caught him quite literally with his pants down with the captain of the cheerleading squad after they’d been going out for a year. He told her it just happened because he didn’t think she loved him enough, and he was afraid she would leave him. He proposed right there on the spot, and the innocent that she was believed him.
“Your daddy used love to cover his trail of lies until after they were married. She would threaten to leave him, and he would
tell her he couldn’t live without her; he would be good for a few weeks, and the cycle would repeat. After she had you girls, she was determined to shield you as much as she could. Your daddy told her if she ever left him, she would never see you and Chrissie again. He was a lawyer with a lot of powerful friends, and they’d never take the side of someone like her against him. She did try Claire; she wanted out. She was so afraid of what would happen if she left. Her greatest fear was that you and Chrissie would be left alone with him. She always tried to make sure he burned out the worst of his anger on her so that nothing was left to be directed at you girls. I honestly think she would have killed him if he ever raised a hand to you. He tried his best to break her, and he assumed that he had long ago; he never did though. She lived for the day you’d all be free and when that finally happened there was no joy in it because Chrissie had been taken. I think she always felt that by wishing for him to be gone, she was responsible for what happened to Chrissie as well. Honey, you both need to talk about it and then move past it. I know that young man of yours would very much like to build a life with you free of ghosts.”
Claire looked at her in surprise. “I might be an old woman, but I’m not senile. I saw the way that boy looked at you. I think you’d be surprised to hear what your mama has to say about him too. Why don’t you go on back and see if she’s in her room now? I’m going to have me another cup of coffee and rest for a minute.”
She stood and leaned down to give Louise a hug. “I love you so much; I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Always strong, Louise gave a suspicious sniff, and said, “I know, now you run along and see your mama; it’s long overdue.”
~~~
Glenda waved at her and told her that her mother was back in her room now. She was happy to see how much better she was looking each day. Her speech, although still difficult, had improved some. Claire knew that she got frustrated when trying to get the words she needed out, but she was adjusting. “Hey mom, you look pretty today. Did you have a good workout?” Her mother rolled her eyes and smiled. “Louise is here. She’s having a cup of coffee before she comes in for a visit. Her sister Janet looks pretty scary behind the wheel of that big car of hers,” laughed Claire. Her mother smiled again and reached over on her bedside table to get something. “Mom what’s that?”
Her mother tapped her fingers on the front of it, and suddenly a voice said, “A computer.” Still confused, Claire walked around to watch her.
Since her right hand and arm hadn’t been affected by the stroke, she could type on it. Claire looked at a big keyboard made on a screen that looked like a large tablet computer. “Mom, that’s amazing, where did you get it?”
With a hesitant look, her mother typed, “Jason.” Shocked, Claire could only stare at her mother.
“My Jason?”
Instead of typing her mother said, “Y..es. Yo..ur Ja…son.”
Claire sat down heavily in the chair beside the bed. “How?”
Her mother turned back to the computer and typed, “He comes to see me.” Just when she thought there were no more surprises where Jason was concerned, she was completely floored.
“Mom, when does he come to see you? I’m here all the time.”
With more taps on the keypad, her mother said, “When you take Louise home.”
“Mom, just once?” asked Claire.
Almost reluctantly, she said, “Every evening.” More typing followed, “He’s a good man, and he loves you.” Claire felt like she was in the twilight zone. Her mother, who on a good day seemed out of it, was talking to her via a computer that Jason, whom she’d practically thrown out of her apartment last week, bought for her. Jason was now apparently visiting her mother, whom he had never officially met, in the hospital every evening after she left. Had the entire world gone insane?
“Mom, um, I’m at a loss here. Why would Jason be visiting you and how does he know I’m not here?” Suddenly, her mother looked at her with a bright smile and started laughing. Claire rushed to the bedside fearing she was having another stroke. “Mom, calm down, this isn’t good for you.”
Her mother shook off her concern and typed again, “Mom now taking care of you for once. I’m not letting you lose him. I told him about your father, about your fear. My story to tell, he understands now.” She’d never seen her mother look so happy and free. When most people would be terrified of what they were facing, she looked like she’d slain a dragon.
It took a long time with her mother alternating between trying to put the words together to speak and using her new computer, but they talked about her father for the first time. The person that she thought her mother to be was so different from the reality. Her mother had spent her entire life trying to protect them, and in the end had come close to losing herself. Having the stroke in a way saved her life.
Dr. Mauldin had taken her off all the Alzheimer’s medications and the confusion she’d lived under the last few years was clearing. Dr. Mauldin believed that instead of having Alzheimer’s, she was dealing with depression and anxiety due to the trauma of living with an abusive husband and then the loss of her daughter. The medication she’d been prescribed was actually keeping her from recovering. Her diabetes medication was also adjusted, and the change in her mental clarity was nothing short of amazing. This was a woman Claire had only ever caught glimpses of through the years.
Her mother also told her that when Jason had visited her the first time he had just missed Claire. After that Louise always called him when she was leaving so he could visit without upsetting her. He came each evening and read to her or just talked. Last night he had brought the computer and taught her how to use it. It was obvious from her mother’s expression that she really liked him.
Claire knew in her heart that her mother would have never been so comfortable around a man who reminded her in the least bit of her husband. Everything that Jason had done for her, although way overboard, had been to help her because he cared. He hadn’t been trying to control her or make decisions because he didn’t feel like she was competent. He simply wanted to help people. He visited her mother each night because he had a big heart, not to gain something from her. Claire looked over at her mother, a smile forming on her face. Her mother said one word, “Go.”
Chapter Twenty Seven
Claire didn’t know when or if Jason would be home, but she was determined to sleep in her car if she had to. She didn’t want to talk to him over the phone or at the office; she wanted to see him in person. She needed to see if she could salvage something after the way she’d hurt him. Yes, he shared in the blame, and if they were to have a future together, he would have to learn to step back and let her handle her life. She’d been sitting in his driveway for almost three hours. It was midnight, and she was yawning and trying to stay awake when approaching headlights flooded her car.
She was parked to the side, and Jason didn’t even notice her until he was pulling into the garage. His car slammed to a halt as he stared at her car. He turned off the ignition to his Mercedes, leaving it half outside the garage and rushed over to her door. He opened it and asked urgently, “Claire, what’s wrong? Did something happen to your mother?”
In the dim light of the car, Claire could make out the tight grooves around his mouth. His beautiful blue eyes seemed so much duller than the last time they’d been together. She reached up and ran her finger down the side of his face, feeling the familiar angles, committing it to memory once again. Jason caught her hand and shook it slightly as if afraid she was in shock. “Baby, what’s going on? Talk to me!”
As if a dam has broken, tears poured from her eyes as she said, “Everything is ok, I needed to see you.”
Suddenly, Claire could see his face take on a guarded expression. “Claire, just go home. I can’t do this again.”
As he started to straighten and pull away from the car, Claire grabbed his hand and said, “I love you Jason.”
Jason pulled back from her, shaking his head. “
You’re killing me, please just go home.”
Jason walked away from her towards the door in his garage leaving his car still half out of the garage. Quickly getting out of her car, Claire caught up with him as he was unlocking the door. “Jason,” She began, “I know you have been going to see my mother every evening; I know she told you about my father.” Claire waited for his reaction as his shoulders stiffened. As he turned slowly around, Claire was taken aback by the desperate sadness and longing she saw on his face.
“Claire, I’m sorry; I know now that I did everything wrong with you. By loving you so much I turned into everything you’d ever feared. I wanted to take all your pain away, and instead I only gave you more. I drove you away, and I know you will never trust me again, you will always think I’m like him.”
Claire put her finger to his lips to stop the flow and wrapped herself around him. He stood in her embrace, still and resistant. She gently laid her lips against his and whispered, “I love you; you’re everything I ever wanted and was afraid I would never find.”
Beautiful blue eyes searched hers and he couldn’t miss the love pouring from them. Then crushing her in his embrace, he pressed his lips against hers as they shared a tender kiss full of love and promise. Some minutes later, Jason pulled back, his breathing rapid. “Claire, I love you so much and I’m sorry for everything. Please put me out of my misery and marry me because I can’t make it without you. I promise to try to control the urge to solve all your problems. I love you desperately so please be gentle with me if I stumble occasionally.”
Weekends Required - A Danver's Novel Page 19
