“I haven’t—” but she broke off. It was true, and it was hitting her that he was right, he could see it on her face. Her expression crumpled.
He felt guilty, but whatever. Tox always felt guilty nowadays. “You even did my dishes. Who asked you to do that?”
“No one,” she said defensively. “I was just trying to help. Just like I do with my sister, and now she won’t talk to me, either. But I’m only ever trying to help.”
“Who asked you to help, Grace?”
She picked up the red salt shaker and put it back down with a crack. “Who asked you to save the world?”
“No.” Tox wouldn’t let her turn this around on him. He was in the right here. “You don’t get to go there.”
“I don’t? You have all this guilt about losing the girl, right?”
“Yeah. I do.” With all the reason in the world.
“If Hank had lost her, would you be mad at him?”
It was a stupid thing to say. “You don’t get it.”
“I don’t? I think that if it had been anyone else, you would forgive them for being human. But you can’t do that for yourself.”
Tox thumped his open hand on the table, making both it and Grace jump. “There you go again trying to fix me!”
“So?” She didn’t deny it, just kept looking at him with those big eyes.
“So you don’t get to just fix whatever you want. That’s probably why your sister’s so mad at you. You and this God complex you have.”
She gaped at him even more than she had been. “You’re accusing me of having a God complex when you’re the one who thinks you can save everyone from their fate?”
“Fate? You think that’s why that girl was put on this earth? To die painfully in a fire?”
Grace’s cheeks paled. “Was she in pain?”
Probably. But she didn’t need to know that. “No,” he lied. “She wasn’t. But Grace, we have the same problem. We’re both delusional.” For one brief second, he wished he could take it back, to wipe that shocked and hurt look off her face, but it was too late.
She stood and brushed off the front of her shirt where it had gotten damp, probably while she was doing his dishes. “I guess I got this—us—wrong, then.”
He wished she hadn’t. He wished so hard she hadn’t gotten a single thing wrong. But she had. “You can’t fix me, Grace. You can’t fix anyone, no matter how many needles you stick in them, no matter what tea you make them drink. Just back off. Of everyone.”
Grace’s mouth opened and then closed. Her eyes had lost that excited light, the light that came so naturally to her. He’d put that out. This was on him.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said.
“Take the dog with you.”
“No!” She pressed her lips together for a moment, and her chin quivered. “You need her. She needs you.”
“No one needs me. And I’m going to keep it that way.” It was the worst thing he could think of to say. The one thing that would drive her out of his house. For good. He had to let her go now before he broke her even worse. It was too late for him. His body had betrayed him and even if he managed to fix his neck and back, now he had to pass a psych test before he could go back to work on the line. That would never happen. He knew he was too broken.
Tox was as good as his name, not good for anyone. Grace needed a real man.
A good man.
She left. Every part of his body ached.
And damn her, she left the dog, too. He should have been able to stop himself from digging his fingers into Methyl’s soft fur, but he couldn’t.
Not that he would cry. Tox didn’t cry.
But if he did, the dog would never tell.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Grace wanted to be alone, but she didn’t want to be at home. And she certainly didn’t want to be at the clinic.
The beach, then. It was the best place to be alone because there was nothing to do at the beach. If she’d been tasked with counting the grains of sand, she couldn’t have done it. If someone had told her to stop the tide rushing in and out, she would have to say no. Grace had no control over the waves, over the movement of the clouds, or fog, or birds. The tiny sideways rushing crabs ignored her entirely. It was the most reassuring place in the world.
Grace made her way over the low dunes to where the shore flattened. She found a large piece of driftwood to sit on. She kept her eyes on the horizon, right where the sea met the sky, and let handfuls of sand play through her fingers.
She’d lost everything now. Last year she would have said her sister and her acupuncture practice were the two most important things in the world to her, and that was still true. But without her sister, without Tox next to her, could anything be rich? Be good?
How had it come to this so quickly? To…love?
Staring at the horizon, Grace knew the word was right. Love. She loved him. She hadn’t planned it and certainly hadn’t wanted it, but Tox was the reason her heart sang, he was why her blood pounded. She wanted to watch him come home safely from a shift at work. She wanted him in her arms at night. All night long.
He wasn’t perfect. Nothing said he was right for her. There were plenty of ways Tox could improve.
Sitting there on the beach, Grace couldn’t think of one single way he could be better, though.
And Samantha…her sister was everything. She was a wonderful, smart, kind woman who’d been through hardships and had bounced up from each one. Why couldn’t Grace get over trying to fix her?
The problem was that Grace did know best sometimes. She did know when Samantha was about to lose it, to freak out over the wrong man, to chase after something that wasn’t worthwhile. She knew when Samantha was about to fail.
In front of the waves, she saw her sister’s face almost as clearly as if she’d been there. “It’s my life. Not yours. Mine.”
How, then, was she supposed to stop Sam from making mistakes?
A little boy dressed in blue overalls carrying a yellow balloon ran in front of Grace, cutting his way through the sand, his small feet kicking up sand behind him. It wasn’t, of course, the boy from the pier who had almost lost his balloon, the one Tox had saved for him, but the boy reminded Grace of that moment.
The boy’s mother, a young blond, chased after him, but she was still a good city block behind. There was no harm the child could get into here unless he ran into the waves, and he was well away from the waterline. The mother looked relaxed. The child looked happy.
All Grace could see was the balloon. It wasn’t tied around his wrist—he was just holding it. And he wasn’t holding it tightly enough.
She launched herself to her feet and jumped forward. The boy’s fingers loosened. “No!” Grace shouted. “Hold it! Tighter, hold it tighter!”
But even though Grace lunged forward as fast as she could, she couldn’t grab the string in time. The balloon floated up, so brightly yellow against the clear blue sky.
The child burst into noisy tears, and the mother caught up. “What are you doing?”
“No.” Grace held out her hands. “Don’t shout at him, he didn’t mean to.”
“I know he didn’t. I’m shouting at you, not him. Why did you scare him like that?”
“I was trying to help.”
The woman picked the boy up and held him tight, brushing away the tears that came fast down his face. “Well, next time think about how you do that. It’s okay to help. It’s not okay to scare my son.”
All three of them looked up. The balloon was already tiny, bobbing in the wind high above.
The woman turned with her son and walked away without another word.
“I’m sorry.” Grace’s voice was a whisper. She backed up and sat on the piece of driftwood with a thump. She listened to the boy wail in his mother’s arms all the way down the beach.
Maybe Tox had a point.
She took out her cell phone and sent one message to Samantha. You’re right. You’re just right the way you are. If
you need help, please ask me. Otherwise, I’m just here for you.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
A week later, Grace paced in her driveway. It wouldn’t work.
This couldn’t possibly work.
Grace hoped it could make a difference, though. A start. Instead of the tin nicho she had on her wall where she held her hopes, this was another metal box, holding new hope. A red wagon, full of ice cream.
Samantha whistled when she saw it. “That’s the most ice cream I’ve ever seen outside Skip’s.”
Grace nodded, taking a visual inventory, making sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. Chocolate, strawberry, pecan praline, caramel swirl, vanilla, double chocolate fudge brownie, to start. That was the top layer of pints. Next to the ice cream were three jars of hot fudge, two of caramel and one butterscotch. She had four cans of whipped cream, and a large jar of maraschino cherries. She had paper bowls and plastic spoons.
Grace looked at her sister. “You should have seen Martha’s face when I put all this on the check stand at the market. She thought I was kidding.”
“What did you say? That you were having a party?”
“No, I just told her the truth, that it was crow, and that I was going to eat plenty of it.”
“Come on, Grace. I know you didn’t do or say anything that warrants this big an apology. What did you do? Punch the guy?”
“Not quite.”
“Did you tell lies about his mother?”
Grace shook her head and grabbed the handle. “No. I tried to fix him.”
“Oh,” said Samantha simply. “I’m not sure you have enough ice cream.”
“Want to come? I’m walking to his house.”
“Are you kidding? Yeah. I’m going to hang out with Justin soon, but I can put him off.”
Grace’s heart stalled. “The guy who was driving that night you crashed?”
“Yes.” Her sister’s voice held a delicate challenge, one that wobbled. Samantha was scared, too.
Grace wanted to say No. She wanted to say, You can’t. I won’t let you. But instead she said, “Of course. How’s he doing?”
Samantha reached forward and threaded her arm through Grace’s. “He’s doing well.” There was a pause, and the women walked toward the corner, the wagon making a clunking sound behind them.
“Good.” Grace meant it. Her sister got to make her own decisions. All of them.
“We’re not dating.”
Grace kept her eyes on the stop sign in front of them. “You’re not?”
“He’s my sponsor. In AA.”
“Oh.” The breath left Grace’s lungs. She squeezed her sister’s arm in hers. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“Because you assumed. I get so tired of you assuming you know everything.”
“I’m sorry.” Her heart ached. The wagon rattled. A girl on a bike sped past, shouting something over her shoulder at the slower, smaller girl riding behind her.
“Thank you for that.”
“It would be okay if you dated him,” said Grace.
Samantha just looked at her and smiled. “I know. I don’t want to. But I do know that. And you know what?”
“What?”
“I’m glad you do, too.”
In front of them, the sun was setting over the water. Twilight was dropping over Darling Bay like a crisp sheet. Fog rolled in swiftly. Another cool summer at the shore. And Grace was with her sister, on her way to Tox. There was no way her heart could hold more hope than it did now, at this exact moment.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
It was nice having a dog to sit on his feet while he played cards with his friends, Tox thought. Everything might suck, and boy, did it ever, but poker and a dog did make things a little bit easier.
Of course, Lexie cheated at cards, and for one long second Tox thought about calling her on it. This was his man-cave, after all. His garage. No one cheated at cards at his favorite card table but him.
“What?” Lexie folded her legs underneath her on the orange chair. She was framed in front of the open garage door, and behind her, the sunset was scarlet streaks over palest blue.
“Yeah, what?” said Coin.
Tox narrowed his eyes. Hank said nothing and just raised. He usually raised.
“I don’t trust you, woman,” said Tox. “That’s what.”
Lexie laughed. Her lipstick was shining, and so were her eyes. Tox thought for a second about how Grace barely wore lip gloss. They were both beautiful women, but all Tox could think about was Grace.
He had to stop.
Grace.
“Queen’s high.” Coin won the hand.
Lexie blew a pfft sound from between her teeth. “See? Tox is right not to trust women. Dang Queen when I have the Jack…”
Coin leaned forward to collect his cash. “I trust women.” He made an odd face in Lexie’s direction. He almost looked as if he was trying to flirt with her. Or something.
Lexie didn’t seem to notice.
Tox looked around the table in confusion. Was Coin trying to flirt with Lexie? Lexie from dispatch? That couldn’t be right, could it? They were all friends here. They’d played poker off and on for more than five years now. Coin had a kid for Pete’s sake.
“That’s your problem,” said Lexie. “Yours and Tox’s. You trust women, and then they stomp on your heart. Although I need to point out to Tox that Grace is my friend, and therefore, I get to keep her and you can’t be mad at me for her doing any stomping. Besides, I think you stomped each other.”
Mad at Lexie for staying friends with Grace? Never. Tox looked down at his new hand of cards and realized he couldn’t make heads or tails of it. He didn’t know what was high or what was low. He couldn’t tell what was red or what was black.
All he could see were Grace’s amber eyes in front of him. Looking at him like he was something special. Looking at him like…almost like she loved him.
Oh, god. Did he love her, too?
His heart pounded so hard he wondered if they could hear it. His hands went numb, and the cards shook a little.
Love. Tox loved Grace. Suddenly, sitting with his friends in his garage, he knew that, more deeply than he’d ever known anything else.
That was his whole problem, right there. He loved her. All of her, from that hair she barely fixed to those little ears that curled back so perfectly. From the adorable blush she got when he teased her to the heated flush she got when she was in his arms. From the way she stuttered slightly when she was mad to the way she thought she could fix the whole dang world.
Tox had to get over it. Over her. He wasn’t good enough for her, proven by the way he had one job to do—to save people—and he continually failed to do it. And she knew he wasn’t good enough for her. She’d proven that by trying to fix him, and by the four aces in the deck in front of him, he wouldn’t be fixed.
Tox wasn’t good enough to warrant the tune-up.
Hank finally asked the question the other two hadn’t dared to. “When you coming back to work, buddy?”
Tox shrugged. “You know.”
Hank’s mouth slid to the right, the way it did when he was thinking. Tox hated that face sometimes. “Nah. I don’t know. How’s your neck?”
“Good.” Hurt like a son of a biscuit right now, actually, but Tox wasn’t going to say that.
“How’s your back?” asked Coin.
“Fine.” It also hurt, but it was better.
“How’s your head?” Lexie leaned backward to grab a handful of chips from the card table behind her.
“Excuse me?”
“Chief said you had to get a psych.”
Tox half-stood, knocking against the table so that everyone lurched for their beers. “HIPAA? No one’s heard of that? Confidentiality?”
Lexie flapped a hand. “Oh, sue him, then. Make a pile of money and retire on medical.”
Tox knew his jaw was hanging open.
“I’m kidding,” said Lexie. “Jeesh. Besides, he said you took
it on Friday and you passed.”
Tox thumped back down into his seat. “Holy shit.”
Lexie lifted her shoulders and let them drop. “Dispatch knows everything.”
Coin stopped staring at Lexie long enough to say, “Hey, are we expecting company?”
Up the driveway, through the open garage door, Tox saw Grace.
Pulling a wagon.
He felt like rubbing his eyes, but he knew what he saw.
It was the ice cream she was pulling behind her he didn’t quite believe.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
“Ice cream party!”
Grace announced in as loud a voice as she could, which wasn’t actually all that loud, given that she was staring at more people than she’d expected. And Tox.
Larger than life Tox.
He stood, and for one second, the sheer breadth of him reminded her of a comic book hero. She could almost see his cape.
“What?” he said, bringing Grace back down to earth.
She stuttered a little. “I-ice cream eating party. Who can eat the most?”
Tox’s eyebrows flew upward. At the card table, Lexie barked a laugh and took a handful of chips. Behind Grace, Samantha started to giggle.
“Excuse me?” Tox’s voice boomed.
“Are you up for the challenge?”
Tox took a step toward her and Grace longed, with all her heart, to close the gap between, to press her body against his, to let him know what was inside her heart.
Instead, she lamely held up an ice cream scooper and waggled it.
Her sister laughed harder. Oh, no. If Samantha was headed down the hysterical laughter trail…
“Bowl.” Tox’s face was perfectly still. Unreadable.
Grace handed him one and took one for herself. She opened the top of the caramel swirl with shaking fingers. This was such a stupid idea. Why had she thought it would be a cute way to apologize? She’d even thought it would be amusing to him, idiot that she was.
There was no smile cracking the sides of Tox’s mouth.
Blaze (The Firefighters of Darling Bay Book 1) Page 13
