by Amy Field
“Anna, it was an honest mistake. Don’t you think that if you spend your life believing that you are sterile you would lash out that way?”
“Well yes but that doesn’t give him the right to fire me!”
“It’s your life but I think it’s worth having Jacob’s dad in it with him.”
“Mom, I have to disagree with you, there is no way I am letting him into Jacob’s life,” Anna said adamantly.
Her mother looked at her with dismay but Anna ignored that look, caught up in her own conviction. She wasn’t going to harm Jacob’s life, this was for the best. She had never mentioned where her mother lived as it hadn’t really mattered to either of them but Paul was no fool. He would find it out but until then, Anna would do anything to protect Jacob.
Paul didn’t appear for a few more days which shocked Anna.
She was constantly on edge and kept expecting him to pop up from any corner but he hadn’t. She had taken to clutching Jacob tightly when she took him to her mother’s house and one time, she had been holding on too tightly and Jacob had burst into tears. Anna felt guilty about it but she couldn’t do anything as she was intent in her mission to protect him.
In a way, Anna knew she was going too far. Her kindness had started to come out, telling her that it wasn’t fair of her to treat Paul this way but her pain beat down the kindness. Had Paul thought about how she would feel? He hadn’t given her a chance to explain, why should she do the same?
Though she argued with herself every day, she knew there was one thing she couldn’t change and that was the fact that she was still deeply in love with Paul. Her love for Jacob made it easier but now that Paul was back, her feelings were running rampant inside of her and she wasn’t sure how she would deal with it.
It got to the point that she couldn’t concentrate on work which was always a bad thing. She tried and failed, then angrily shoved away the papers, burying her head in her hands. She felt helpless as she thought about what to do, why had he come back?
There were so many questions in her mind, did Paul come back because he loved her? Did he still believe that she had cheated on him? And the thought made her blood run cold. He had called Jacob his baby but he hadn’t specified if he thought he was his baby or was accepting him for Anna. What if he thought that the only way to win her back was to forgive her for her cheating and accept Jacob?
The thought made her see red. It was incredibly offensive as she hadn’t cheated on him. She knew that he wasn’t sterile but did he know?
Why am I thinking like this? Anna asked herself. It doesn’t matter, he isn’t coming near Jacob at all.
Anna had thought that but that night, after picking up Jacob and going back to her apartment, she had a surprise waiting for her. She had been putting in her key when the door next to hers opened. Anna knew that it had to be Mrs. Gomer so she had a ready smile on her face which died when she saw Paul emerge. Mrs. Gomer followed and she was beaming at Anna. Anna instinctively covered Jacob so that Paul couldn’t see him and as she did, she saw Paul’s eyes go to the bundle on her arms.
“Anna, there you are!” Mrs. Gomer said.
“Hello,” Anna said, her voice low.
“This gentleman has been waiting for you, he sat down for so many hours until I arrived,” Mrs. Gomer explained.
Anna looked at Paul icily and didn’t say anything.
“I wanted to see her,” Paul said. “Thank you for your hospitality.”
“It was no problem!” Mrs. Gomer tittered.
Anna knew she couldn’t leave him outside with Mrs. Gomer watching so she moved aside so that he could walk into her apartment. She gave Mrs. Gomer another smile and closed the door behind her. Paul was examining the apartment and finally he said,
“This is a nice place.”
“Thank you.”
He turned and his eyes were on Jacob. Anna had covered Jacob’s face and at that moment, Jacob cried out. As Anna was staring at Paul, she saw the emotion that came to his eyes at his call, it was surely what she felt for Jacob. The look unnerved her but not enough to relent.
“What do you want?” Anna asked rudely.
“I want what I said I wanted,” Paul said quietly. “I want to see my child.”
“Do you believe that? I thought you were sure I cheated on you!” Anna accused.
“Leave him in the crib and let’s talk. I don’t want to expose him to harsh words.”
His words left her floored and she quietly obeyed. It was something she should have thought of, Jacob was a young child and of course he would be affected by angry words.
She made sure he was comfortable and went back out to talk to Paul. Paul was sitting on the sofa and Anna sat down beside him but far away from his grasp. She didn’t want to be too close to him.
“Is he alright?” Paul asked.
“He’ll fall asleep soon. Tell me why you are here,” Anna said in clipped tones.
Paul took a deep breath.
“After you left, I was a wreck. I couldn’t sleep and all I did was focus on work. It got to the point that I worked myself so hard that I couldn’t function. My boss sent me to a therapist and I told him about us. The therapist advised that I check myself out and I did.” Paul’s eyes were mournful. “I found out I could have kids. I looked for you for so long but I never thought you would come here. ”
Anna didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t say anything harsh to him at the sign of his obvious grief. She wanted to harden her heart but it wasn’t completely hardened, she felt for him. He looked like he was suffering.
“Anna, I can’t believe to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I did the worst possible thing I could have done, I didn’t believe you when I should have and I don’t blame you for being angry but Anna, please don’t hold my mistake against me. Please, don’t deprive me of Jacob’s life, I want to be there for him and you too. I didn’t come these few days because I wanted you to get the chance to adjust to the idea.”
“Paul I don’t understand,” Anna whispered.
“I want to marry you Anna. I want to be there for you and spend the rest of my life making up for what I did.”
Anna didn’t say anything and Paul continued to speak. She retreated into herself and then came out, words coming out.
“No.”
“Anna?”
“You can come back into Jacob’s life but not mine. We are done. I’ll let you see him but that’s it,” Anna said, her voice as hard as steel.
“Anna, don’t do this,” Paul said desperately.
“We are done.”
Anna stood up and Paul reached for her but she moved away.
“It’s late, you should go home,” Anna said. “You can come by tomorrow to see Jacob.”
Paul hesitated but at the look in her eyes, he knew better than to not protest. He headed for the door but left a card on the side table.
“This is the number for my hotel,” he said. “When you are ready, call me.”
The door closed and Anna felt as if she had fought a war. How had everything turned out like this? She couldn’t believe what Paul had told her. Had he really looked for her? She would have to ask Lisa but the thought was fleeting. She didn’t know what to think or feel. Her mind was completely blank.
Jacob’s cry woke her up and she went to him, to tend to him but as Anna stood over his crib, she saw a little drop fall onto his sheets and leave a water mark. Tears leaked out of her eyes and she began to sob. She didn’t know why she was crying but it helped get rid of the tension in her heart. Was she crying because she regretted her decision? Anna didn’t know but she knew she had to be strong if she wanted to be Jacob’s support.
Chapter Seven
Anna called Lisa the next day for an explanation.
At first Lisa was apologetic but then she defended her actions.
“Anna, you know I never liked Mr. Mercer but when I saw him, the look in his eyes…I can’t even describe it. He was so devastated and he begged me to
help him. I couldn’t say no.”
“Lisa, I trusted you,” Anna said.
“I know but…” Lisa’s voice was tentative. “I think you should give him a chance. He seemed like he really wanted one.”
Anna couldn’t reply to her words and hung up, confused about what to do. She had all but forgotten about Paul’s card when she saw it on her way inside the apartment. She picked it up and decided that she had to address it so she dialed the number.
It took two rings before he answered.
“Hello?” Paul’s voice was breathless as if he had run to the telephone.
“It’s me,” Anna said.
“Hi.”
“I was thinking about Jacob and if you want, you can take care of him tomorrow,” Anna offered, stamping down the protests inside of her.
“Really?” Paul’s voice was surprised.
“Yes, I have to go to work and you can take care of him.” As Anna said it, she wondered what had happened to Paul’s work but didn’t ask. There was time for that yet.
Paul gave her the address for his hotel and Anna noted it down, hoping that she was doing the right thing.
The next day, she stood outside the hotel, Jacob in her arms. She had his bag with her and she had practiced the instructions she was going to tell him. She walked in, everyone’s eyes on hers and headed for the reception.
“Can I help you?” the lady asked.
“I am looking for Paul Mercer’s room. He is expecting me,” Anna said clearly.
The lady nodded and told her the room number. Anna went up the elevator, rocking Jacob unconsciously as she did so. She reached his room and knocked once. Paul opened the door, dressed in a shirt and jeans, a nervous look on his face.
“Hi,” he said, his eyes on Jacob.
“Hey, so I got Jacob here,” Anna handed Jacob to him, ignoring the roar in her soul and watched Paul take him with bright eyes.
“I brought his stuff so...” Anna continued but Paul cut her off.
“I Googled up everything, I think we’ll be fine,” Paul said and rocked Jacob.
A smile bloomed on Paul’s face and Jacob gurgled. Anna was mesmerized for a second but then she shook her head.
“I have to go so I’ll see you later,” Anna said, turning to go.
She stopped for a second, wanting to ask him about his job but didn’t. Instead, she turned and left, hoping that Jacob would be alright. During the bus ride and at work, all Anna could think about was Jacob. She wondered if he was alright and if she had done the right thing by leaving him with Paul. She managed to work but her hand itched, to call Paul and ask him how Jacob was. Whenever Jacob was with her mother, she did the same thing, calling several times.
She could hardly wait until her day was over.
When the time finally came, she called Paul but he wasn’t answering. She figured that he was busy playing with Jacob. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Paul, having lived with him for more than a year, Anna knew that Paul was trustworthy. The fear she had was from not seeing Jacob. It was natural.
She kept trying Paul’s cell phone throughout the bus ride but he still wasn’t picking up. When she got to the hotel, she was slightly worried. Walking up to the receptionist, she was prepared to be sent to his room when the receptionist said,
“I am sorry but Mr. Mercer left a few hours ago.”
Anna felt as if she had been punched in the gut. “L-left?”
“Yes, he had a baby with him,” the receptionist said helpfully.
Anna staggered and went deadly pale. Paul wasn’t at the hotel, where was he? Had he taken her baby away from her? Could his grief had been so great that he had decided to kidnap her baby? This wasn’t happening. Anna wanted to die, how had she left her baby? Would she never see her baby again?
Her heart was breaking and she somehow managed to make her way to one of the sofas in the reception area and sat down. Her fingers kept dialing his number but he wouldn’t pick up. She was lost, what was she going to do? Who would she call? The police? He was long gone.
Then her cell phone rang and she answered without looking at it.
“Anna?” It was Paul’s voice.
“Where are you?” Anna asked frantically and loudly, making everyone stare at her.
“I am sorry I didn’t answer. Are you at the hotel? I’ll be right there,” Paul said and hung up.
Anna’s mouth opened to say something but the words had died. He had told her he was coming so she calmed down and waited.
Ten minutes later, Paul appeared, Jacob in a stroller. Anna mindlessly thought that she hadn’t bought it when Paul saw her and headed for her.
“Hey, did you wait long?” Paul asked.
Anna shook her head.
“Let’s go up to my room, we can talk there and have something to eat.”
Anna followed him and all the while, she reproached herself for her venomous thoughts. How could she have thought that Paul would kidnap Jacob? Paul was one of the nicest person she knew, despite all that had happened between them, how could Anna have thought to call the police on him?
It was a ground shaking realization for Anna. She had let her anger swallow her and make her think that Paul would sink so low as to commit a crime. She had been so unfair on him and he had gotten Jacob a stroller. Anna looked at him and saw that he had other bags with him, had he taken Jacob shopping? Anna hadn’t gotten the chance to do so and she was curious to see what Paul had bought him.
They entered his suite and Paul put down the bags. The first thing Anna did was pick Jacob up. Jacob smiled his mother and reached for her hair. Paul watched the two as he picked up the hotel phone to order dinner for him and Anna. Anna was consumed with Jacob until she came back and put him down.
“Did you feed him?” she asked.
Paul nodded. “About an hour ago.”
“Did you make him burp?”
Paul nodded again.
Anna sat down on the edge of his bed and asked, “Where did you take him?”
Paul didn’t say anything at first and then he said, “I guess I should tell you. I quit my job.”
“What?” Anna exclaimed.
“I quit when Lisa told me you were here. I wanted to get you two back so I quit my job and I have been looking for a place here. My agent called today and told me that she found an apartment but since I had Jacob with me, I took him along.” Paul said. “Afterwards, I saw that it was hard to transport Jacob by hand so I took him to the mall and got some things for him. Sorry if I worried you.”
Anna was going to tell him it was alright but looking at his eyes, she could tell that Paul knew what she had been thinking. They had always been like that, so attuned to each other that they could tell what they thought most of the time. Anna felt the guilt hit her hard and she found herself saying,
“Show me what you got him,”
Paul smiled and showed the toys and other small things. Anna was impressed and she knew that Jacob was going to love every single one of the things that Paul had bought him. A few minutes later, their food arrived and Anna saw that Jacob had fallen asleep.
Anna and Paul went back to their familiar patterns as they talked and Anna found herself relaxing. It was like before, Paul hadn’t changed and neither had she, she had become a mother but she was still the same Anna that Paul knew.
“Are you looking for a job?” Anna asked.
“I already have a few offers,” Paul replied. “I am going to pick one soon.”
“You are going to go all the way aren’t you?”
“I was telling the truth. I want to be with you and Jacob but I am not going to force you. For now, I want to be a father for Jacob,” Paul said simply.
Anna believed him and she said, “Why don’t you come to dinner at my mother’s?”
“You mother?” Paul said confused and then added, “She lives in New York? I never made the connection.”
“Yeah, she does. Come over tomorrow, I’ll text the address. I should go home.”
Anna stood up.
“I’ll drop you off, it’s late and I want you two to be safe.”
Anna didn’t protest and he escorted them all the way to her apartment, leaving only when the two were safely inside. Anna peeked through the keyhole and watched him leave, wondering how to tell her mother that she had invited someone to her house.
“You invited him without telling me?” her mother said.
“I am sorry. But it's important to me that you to meet him."
“Don’t worry about it, I have the things for a dinner.” Her mother sighed.
“You are a life saver,” Anna said.
Her mother laughed and hung up as Anna leaned back onto her couch. Jacob was in his new stroller and he was playing with the new rattle his father had gotten him. Anna had no work and she was taking care of him as she ate her lunch. She had to thank her lucky stars that her mother was so adept at cooking. She texted Paul the address and relaxed, hoping that everything would go alright.
Thinking of Paul, she found herself smiling and then frowned. What was wrong with her?
Anna dressed with care for the first time in months.
She had Jacob wear new clothes and put on jeans with a black top. She wore a red shrug over it all and made sure that Jacob was warm before she headed for her mother’s house. It was late afternoon and she was purposely going early to see if she could help her mother in any way.
It turned out that she didn’t have to. Her mother had everything prepared and wore a black dress which Anna told her was overkill. Her mother glared at her before picking up her grandson and cooing at him. Anna laughed and found that she could hardly wait until Paul got to her mother’s house. She wondered if her mother would like him.
Paul arrived at seven and he was wearing casual clothes. He had a bottle of wine with him which he handed to Jenny and introduced himself to her. Anna could see that her mother liked him and glowed with delight. They sat down in the living room and chatted. At one point, her mother stood up and asked Paul to help her in the kitchen. Anna was surprised and was going to stand up instead but Paul shook his head and she watched the two leave.
