by Nikki Wild
Tears welled up in the creases.
“Camden was always going to be a part of this band,” Dylan continued sorrowfully. “Everything was different back then. It was only going to be the three of us. A different sound, a different lineup… we had to alter our entire direction going forward.”
“So when the photo shoot happened…” I trailed off, thinking of that intense sadness in their faces for the pictures.
“That’s the sort of thing we were supposed to do together,” Aiden groaned with bitter regret. “The three of us against the world… three of us utterly united, ready to take the scene by storm.”
“The Carpenter Triplets,” I nodded.
“It was just going to be us: me on vocals and bass, Dylan on electric guitar, Camden on drums. We were gonna be a three-piece trifecta together.”
“And when it fell apart…”
“We changed everything,” Dylan quietly admitted. “But we kept the name we’d all decided on.”
“Decadent Desires.”
“Yeah,” he replied, a pained smile drawing across his lips. “I mean, it’s a stupid name.”
“But I wasn’t going to allow it to change,” Aiden growled. “That was his way of being a part of this as we…” he paused briefly. “…As we moved on without him. If the name changed, we would erase the last part of him that is still with us…”
“I’m so sorry,” I moaned, pulling them both close to me. “I had no idea… if there’s anything I can do…”
Aiden turned away. “That was two years ago. I hope he’s cheering us on up there somewhere..”
“I’m sure he is,” I smiled serenely. “You’re on the national circuit… an amazing record deal with a great label… the band’s all come together… I’m sure he’s fucking stoked.”
“You think so?” Dylan asked.
“I’d bet my life on it.”
We cuddled up together, the three of us in that dark room at the back of the bus. As the night slowly moved on without us, our commiseration turned to physical comfort, and I opened my willing, naked body up for them to use to wash away their grief…
Phoenix
A Week Later
The life I had now was incredible, and I loved every last goddamn second of it.
Sold-out shows.
Crazy throngs of fans.
Incredible sex.
Nicole told us that the album had flown out the gate from day one. Backed by the Snow Leopard team and our strong national tour, the record was already certified gold on week one with plenty of blue skies ahead.
The marketing engine behind us was decimating everything in our path. We did a few more interviews that were blowing up in the alternative rock scene, and a couple of old guitarist legends were already kicking around sound bites in our favor.
There was even another photo shoot booked up for the end of the month.
We’d done it.
Life couldn’t have gotten much higher than that. I finally felt like I was a part of the band, that I’d deserved and earned my place here alongside them.
At least, I tried to convince myself of that last part. Truth be told, I knew I was always going to feel like the outsider here… that I was the one who didn’t deserve the spot.
They always told me the same stuff, over and over. That Alex was a junkie, and that he was a mess who was already starting to fuck up their opportunities before Steven Stone even started watching them.
There was always another story about Alex Lakes and his apparent hobbies of skipping practice, losing his focus onstage, missing his cues…
I mean… I believed them.
But it remained unresolved.
I had great faith that everyone deserved a second chance, even the guy they’d shipped off to rehab. One day, I hoped that I could make it up to him.
But there was something else on my mind these last couple of weeks. It began to fester in the back of my mind, straining for attention no matter how deeply I pushed it back down, unwilling to upset the balance.
And that was the Carpenter Twins.
I loved fucking them. I loved having their attention and being a part of their bed every night, all the wild and crazy sex we shared.
But I felt like something was wrong.
While Aiden’s burning fire caught my soul and wouldn’t let go, it was Dylan’s quiet and soothing nature that felt like it was healing me. Between the two of them, I felt soothed and yet passionately caught up in our lives together.
They were two halves of the perfect man. Both incredibly rugged, both men insanely sexy with their sculpted physique…
And both were flawed. Aiden was all chaos and fire without a nurturing bone in his body. Dylan doggedly loved me but did so without the bite I so desperately needed.
I wondered how long this could go on.
I’d replaced Alex.
I’d replaced their groupies.
No matter what they said or how the rest of the band had grown to take me in… Wasn’t I just a temporary fix? Wasn’t I just somebody to reliably occupy a bassist spot and warm their bed? This couldn’t last forever.
Their words felt empty the couple of times it had come up. I hadn’t even bothered with the conversation anymore, simply letting it all just sit in the back of my mind like an old, overlooked but not forgotten storage room – filled to the brim with constant insecurities and regrets.
For the meantime, I would accept this life and live it to the brink, waiting for the other shoe to come crashing down.
Hopefully, it never would.
But this life was too good to be true, and I always knew that there would be a time for it to end.
We’d utterly killed it on yet another live show. The last couple of shows hadn’t had after parties, so we’d gone to hang out near the merch booth. We would randomly sign stuff for the fans and take selfies with them.
Personally, I was just happy that people knew my name. Whether or not I’d ever feel like a real part of this band, it was great to be an important part of it for them.
The night was already winding down. After the first forty-five minutes of hanging out with the audience, the others were starting to get tired. They’d been passing around a bottle of liquor and coercing me to drink up with them, since I so often resisted their partying nature.
“Come on, Fee,” Nicole smiled at me as Jeremy helped her box up some of the merch. “Let’s get back on the bus and kick this shit into high gear. We’ve got loads more liquor there. You’ve done your part tonight!”
“You guys run on ahead,” I grinned. “More pictures with the fans first.”
My voice slurred slightly and I shook my head to clear some cobwebs.
What the hell was in that last drink?
Nicole put her hand on her hip, tsk-tsking with sly expression. “You’re a real glutton for attention, aren’t you?” But it was a half-hearted gesture. Nicole knew that simply wasn’t true.
In my eyes, I felt like I owed it to the group to be the last one interacting with the fans, to pull my weight by keeping up the friendly façade and letting them slip away earlier. I was always the last one signing autographs, taking photos, chatting with the concert-goers…
It also helped that I felt really strongly about that shit when I had a few drinks in me. And given that the band had planned to celebrate hard tonight, and wanted to get this shit going early…
Maybe I should go back with them.
Before I could open my mouth to argue, Nicole glanced at her watch. “Alright then, Fee. Five minutes. After that, I expect you to get on the bus with us. We’ve got a few days free, and I’m not going to rest until I watch you puke your guts up!”
“Alright, Mom,” I shook my head, stumbling back from her with my skin tingling. I was starting to feel good… Really good. Maybe even a little too good. That last drink really did a number on me.
She loaded another box onto Jeremy’s load and scooped up the rest of the merch, following him towards the backstage areas
.
Once I turned my attention around, I was bombarded with a few last stragglers – a small wave of last-second compliments, hugs, and bursts of adoration.
A brief stumbling walk brought me over to some fans and I smiled dumbly for a picture with a chick about my age before signing her old Black Sabbath tee.
I was saying my goodbyes to everyone when someone pushed our new album onto the table next to me and asked for one last autograph.
The group was clearing out as I nearly fell into a seat and awkwardly reached for a marker, ready to sign it. Hell, if this guy would give me a minute, I’d find everyone else and get the rest of the band to sign it too.
“So you’re Phoenix, then.”
I glanced up at the last face I’d ever expected to see in person. He looked so different now. Healthier. Angrier.
“Alex…” The dawning comprehension hit me hard, shaking my buzzed mind.
“That’s right,” Alex Lakes gruffly smiled. Rehab had done him a world of good in the looks department. “I’m actually kind of surprised that you recognize me. I thought scabs didn’t care to learn who they were replacing when they steal someone’s job…”
“It’s… It’s not like that,” I tried to tell him, feeling my head spin. I was so rattled that the liquor was hitting my mind like a freight train. I’d only had a few drinks, but suddenly I felt like I’d polished off an entire handle.
“Alex, I’m so s-sorry about your overdose–”
“You’re not sorry,” the disgraced bassist growled. “How could you be? You slip into this shit and then all of a sudden, you guys have your nice, big bus? Big national tour? Major label backing? A fucking album?”
“It just… things started falling–”
“Things just started falling into place, huh?” Alex glared down at me. “I spent ages with this band, helping pull it up from goddamn nothing, and then you slip in and just take it all away from me?”
I was stunned.
Everything felt like a blur.
“You’re a disgrace,” he glowered at me. “An absolute fucking disgrace. You’ve ruined my goddamn life. I hope that you’re fucking happy, Phoenix.”
“What… what can I do to make it up to you?” I pleaded. Everything felt so distant and blurry, and I just wanted it all to be okay again.
“I was a fan,” I said, my voice quickly running away from me. “I never felt like I belonged here. You were always so great on that stage with them. I can help you.”
The bassist lowered his face to mine.
“Prove it to me,” he growled.
“I’ll do anything,” I repeated, my vision bouncing around like I’d found myself on a ship at sea.
His lips pulled into a devious smile.
“…Anything, huh?”
Dylan
Things had grown awkward with Aiden. We’d started snapping at each other over the last few days, picking little passive-aggressive fights while Phoenix wasn’t around. The others were starting to notice, and it was only a matter of time before she did as well.
I hadn’t been able to put my finger on it, but once I’d gotten a little liquor into my body, things in my head clicked.
“We need to have a bro chat,” I pulled him aside on the way back to the bus.
“Yeah?” He lifted an eyebrow, his dark gaze rounding on me. He seemed to sense something in my expression, because he stiffened up in the instant.
“I’ve noticed things,” I told him.
“What kind of things?”
His tone had grown suspicious now. Aiden on the defensive was never a pretty sight, and I always felt sorry for whomever he turned on.
This time, it was going to be me.
“I’m not happy with shit,” I blurted out. “I’ve tried to be. I was getting sick of things before Phoenix showed up, but now that she’s here and we have to share her…”
“Have to share her?” He countered. “Aren’t you happy with our deal? You can have her all you want.”
“Not without you.”
“Yeah,” he growled. “Not without me.”
“Are you happy with that?” I asked him point-blank. “Do you really enjoy just splitting her between us?”
He considered this for a moment.
“Sounds like you’re feeling a bit big for your britches, brother.”
That was the push that I needed.
I felt it all come pouring out.
“Aiden, I am tired of living in your goddamn shadow,” I snapped at him, unable to stop the flood of emotion. “When it’s just the two of us, you’ve always got to take the lead. Up until now, I’ve let you do that. Even when we had Camden, I was always the runt. And I was happy with that. But I think it’s time I got some of the spotlight.”
“Yeah?” My brother snarled, turning to face me. “And what does that mean?”
What did that mean?
The answer was staring me in the face.
“It’s obvious that you’re crazy about her, man,” I told him firmly. “And I get it… I’ve been putting her on a goddamn pedestal because she’s a fucking amazing woman... But this thing with her, and the way you handle your emotions… It all just comes naturally for you, doesn’t it?”
“It does,” he reluctantly admitted.
“You’ve always burned through girls, casting them aside and disappearing like smoke afterwards. All I wanted to do was protect Phoenix from that. From you.”
“I won’t do that to her,” he replied coolly.
“Yeah you will,” I countered.
He pulled me closer, his furious gaze meeting mine. “Look me in my eyes and say that again. Let’s see if you can.”
I did.
And what I saw, I didn’t like.
I was always good at feeling out people. Being this close to him, picking up on his little wavelengths, I could see that Aiden’s crispy exterior was melting away. He looked fucking vulnerable, which was something entirely new for him.
“You… You’ve really fallen for her.”
“Fucking hard,” he growled, letting go of me. “And it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever felt.”
“I know what you mean,” I groaned.
“No wonder you’re such a pushover,” he laughed halfheartedly. “I didn’t realize how fucking easy I had it until I discovered that I was nuts about this goddamn girl.”
“Imagine feeling that all the time.”
“No fucking thanks,” Aiden bleakly shook his head. “Once is plenty.”
We shared a small laugh.
This was different. New.
It was unchartered territory.
But more than that, it was the chance to grow – for Aiden, at least. As for me, I was just growing bitter, knowing that Phoenix was sand that was quickly slipping through my fingers.
Aiden turned to me, watching my expression. I tried to avert my gaze, but he stepped forward and clasped his hand onto my shoulder. “Do you want me to tell you where you went wrong, brother?”
“Yeah,” I nodded sorrowfully.
“The reason Phoenix started falling for you was the security that you bring. But she wants me because I bring passion. I don’t coddle her or try to make her into something that she isn’t. I’m not a safe choice, and that’s fucking exciting.”
“I’m not you, Aiden.”
“You’re fucking right, but you don’t have to be. You just need to play to your strengths. Next time, protect the girl. Show her your compassion. Take that intense love and support her, not shield her. Show her you have a deeper darker edge lurking just under the skin.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
His clasp on my shoulder strengthened. “You will,” he grinned lovingly. “You will figure that out, Dylan. You’ll find a girl who fits you perfectly, someone who needs your love that can bring out the animal inside…”
These were the kindest words that Aiden Carpenter had ever spoken to me.
I sighed heavily. “If this is what you two
really want… I’m not going to stand in the way of that. I’ll let you two have each other – without me. But I want something in return.”
His eyebrow lifted.
“Such as?”
“Equality,” I answered calmly. “I want things to really change, to be able to take my own position in the spotlight. I want lead vocals on our next song… and I’ve already written it.”
Aiden smirked.
“You’ve been busy, eh?”
“I mean it,” I told him. “I’ve written a new song, and I think it’s a damned good one. But more than that, I want to help you front this band.”
My twin brother relaxed his hand on my shoulder. I saw something passing in his eyes – a clash across his spirit.
I’d never challenged him on his position at the front. He was the unspoken leader of this entire thing, the stronger, dominant one out of the two of us. While we all had equal say as a band… Aiden’s word was always final.
It was time that changed.
“I think that’s the least I can do,” he smirked. “Hell, if that’s all it took, we could have had this conversation that first day in the recording booth…”
Aiden pulled me into a massive bro hug. With heavy thwacks on the backs, we pulled away and grinned at each other.
Sure, it was a little bittersweet. Or a lot bittersweet. I hated coming in second place yet again. But it felt right, no matter how much I hated it. If I kept this shit up Phoenix wouldn’t end up with either one of us. That would break this band just as surely as it would break the bond between us.
This was better.
Aiden and I were finally on equal footing now. No longer was I doomed to follow his fucking lead.
I could find some solace in that.
“Are you sure?” Aiden asked me.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “Go get her.”
My twin brother grinned warmly at me. The animosity between us was already fading away, although I knew it would be a while before I’d be perfectly fine again.
There was the sound of a commotion from nearby. We turned as Trevor clumsily barged out into the hall. Carter, Nicole, and Jeremy bolted after him towards us.
“What is it this time?” I chuckled at him.
