‘I know.’
Those blue eyes of his bored deep into mine, sending the tiniest shot of electricity surging through me. ‘But we can put it right. Can’t we?’
I broke the stare, looking down at our joined hands, watching as his thumb stroked my knuckles. I wasn’t really ready for this conversation. The pain of losing Eddie was still too raw. Too confusing. ‘I don’t know.’ My eyes locked with his again, a million questions flying around inside my head. Questions I really couldn’t answer.
‘And what about Eddie? How do you feel about him, Lana? How do you really feel?’
Just hearing Adam say Eddie’s name caused tears to well at the backs of my eyes and I had to turn away from him for a second or two.
‘Lana? Are you okay?’
I nodded, sitting back down on the wall, my head still turned away from him. ‘I… I guess he epitomised everything I’d wanted out of life, but never thought I could have. He’s a free spirit, a dreamer. He doesn’t care what people think, he just gets on with his life the way he wants to live it. And that was all I ever really wanted to do.’
‘So, you loved the idea of him?’
‘I needed him.’ I still did. ‘I needed that experience being with him gave me. I needed to know that passion, that excitement; that raw, aggressive lust for everything that he just seemed to have.’ I finally turned to face Adam again. ‘It was the best adventure, being with Eddie. We’d ride any time we could, out into the desert, just us, the bike and nothing else for miles. We’d…’ I stopped talking, looking back down.
‘I know you slept with him, Lana.I’m not naïve enough to think you and him didn’t have some kind of physical relationship. Come on, baby, we’re not together, you weren’t doing anything wrong.’
‘Sleeping with you was wrong.’ My voice was little more than a whisper. ‘Because I was with Eddie.’
I felt Adam sit down beside me, but I still couldn’t look at him. ‘It was a different life out here, huh?’
I nodded, my fingers fiddling with the leather bracelets on my wrist. ‘We’d ride out into the desert, make love on his bike, not caring if we were caught because it just felt so…’ I slowly looked up, turning my head to face Adam, his eyes boring into mine. ‘It felt incredible. To not be tied down, not have to dance to anyone else’s tune and I know that makes me sound like some adolescent who doesn’t want to do anything they’re told, but that’s not how it was. I’d just spent so long being someone I didn’t always want to be, that once this new me finally had the courage to show herself to the world, I wanted to do it all, Adam. Have sex outside, ride a Harley, dress in leather and drink whisky and beer with a man who didn’t give a fuck what the world thought. You cared what the world thought; the people around us, our friends, they all cared what the world thought. But I didn’t want to. Because it doesn’t matter. What the world thinks… it doesn’t matter.’
He reached out to touch my face, cupping my cheek as his eyes continued to stare into mine. ‘We didn’t really know each other at all, did we?’
I shook my head. ‘And that makes me so sad, Adam.’
‘I love you, Lana…’
‘You love the old me. You don’t really know the new one.’
‘But I want to.’ He smiled, just a small smile, but it made me smile too, and I closed my eyes as he leant in to kiss me. A soft and gentle kiss that sent a beautiful, unexpected shiver coursing right through me, the roughness of his beard against my skin an unfamiliar feeling, but I liked it. ‘Let’s go back to the hotel.’
‘No, Adam…’
He kissed me again, a little harder this time, a little longer, his hand sliding up under my t-shirt, his fingers stroking my skin. ‘We can do this, Lana. You and me. We can do this. And we can make it work this time.’
‘We’re allowing the sex to cloud everything, Adam.’
‘I need you, Lana.’
‘It’s getting in the way.’
‘We need to find each other again…’
I stood up, backing away from him. ‘I’m coming home, Adam, you know I am. I’ve told you I’m coming home. But I’m not coming back to you. I’ve told you that, too. And you need to start remembering that. Start getting used to it. I’m coming home, but not to you.’
‘Lana…’
‘I don’t know how I feel. Do you understand that? I don’t know how I feel about anything. I wanted to be with Eddie so badly and now it’s over. So I think going home is the best thing for me to do. But going back to you, that would be a mistake. For both of us. Because I don’t think you know what you want either, Adam. Not really. What’s happening here, I don’t… I don’t know what it is or what we’re supposed to do, I just know that the sex is clouding everything. It makes me want you, for a few wonderful minutes, and then it just confuses me. We can’t build a relationship on that. It isn’t fair on anyone.’
He stood up too, coming closer, his hand resting lightly on my arm, but I pulled back again. ‘If you want me, Lana, even if it’s just for the briefest amount of time…’
‘When we get back home could you really live with the woman I am now? Could you cope with Finn, our friends, their lifestyles; the bikes, the body art and the places we hang out? Could you cope with your partner working in a tattoo studio, cope with her ink-covered skin and the clothes she wears; the music she likes to listen to? Would you really want to take me to those business dinners with my tattoos on show or would you make me cover them up because you don’t want people to know they’re there? Even if I want to show the world. Could you cope with all of that, Adam? Really?’
He leant back against the tree, raking both hands through his hair as he looked down at the ground. ‘I don’t know.’
‘And that’s not good enough.’
He raised his head, his eyes meeting mine, his expression so sad it really did break my heart – if it was possible to physically feel it break, that’s what I was feeling right now. ‘Lana, baby, please…’
I shook my head, standing my ground, knowing I was right. Sleeping with him was confusing everything. Masking the reality.
‘I’m going back to the hotel and I’m going to start making plans to fly home. Maybe that’s what you should do, too, Adam.’
23
I leant against the reception desk, checking my watch to see what time it was. After speaking to Adam I hadn’t really been in the mood to come back to the hotel straightaway, so I’d spent the rest of the day checking out some of the other hotels, looking in the shops, losing myself in this crazy town and feeling sad that I was leaving it. I didn’t really want to go but I had to move on now. Had to leave all this behind and what it could have been to find the future I needed.
I’d eaten dinner in the Harley Davidson café out on the Strip, got chatting to a few people, joined some of them for a drink in a nearby bar, and somehow or other the time had just flown by. It was late now. Almost half past two in the morning, and the day had finally started to catch up with me, a wave of tiredness suddenly washing over me.
Looking up, I focused on the still ridiculously busy foyer of this huge, impressive hotel and I couldn’t help but be in awe of somewhere that was so full of people at this hour of the morning. The whole place felt alive, pumped up; the atmosphere electric. A reminder of why I’d grown to love Vegas. It had been good for me. A necessary adventure. But it really was time for that adventure to end now. It was time for me to go back to Newcastle; back to reality.
I continued my scan of the foyer, letting my eyes roam slowly around the vast space in front of me. I’d never been a huge people-watcher, but this was the perfect place to indulge in that pastime as all walks of life went about their own personal Vegas adventure, each one different to the next. And I couldn’t help wondering what people’s reasons for coming here were – were they all just here for a vacation? To throw themselves into that stereotypical Vegas experience? Or were there a number of them out there just like me? Using it as a place to escape to.
S
canning the foyer one last time I squinted slightly as I tried to focus on a familiar-looking figure standing by the entrance. Was that…? Yeah. It was him. But he wasn’t alone. It looked like he hadn’t wanted to come straight back to the hotel either. I kept my eyes on him, watching as he continued his conversation with a tall, slender, dark-haired woman, a little older than him, I guessed, but she was stunning. All tousled curls and red lips, and I felt something I could only describe as a surprising, and unexpected, stab of jealousy cut across my chest as he leant in to kiss her quickly on the cheek. I watched as they hugged before she turned and left the hotel, him waiting until she was gone before he started making his way across the foyer to the elevator. I still couldn’t break the stare, so it was no surprise that he eventually turned his head, his eyes locking with mine. It was almost as if I’d, subconsciously, kept that steady stare in the hope that he’d see me. Notice me. I didn’t know. I didn’t know all that much right now, except that it really was time for this extended holiday to end. Normality needed to be resumed.
He started to make his way over to me, looking casual and relaxed in dark-blue jeans and a light-blue shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, his short dark hair still not-so-perfect, that beard he now sported still making him look twice as handsome; those ice-blue eyes of his intense as he held my gaze.
‘Night out go okay?’ I asked, trying to sound not-that-bothered, when I was actually more bothered than I wanted to be.
He slid his hands into his pockets, smiling slightly as he stopped just a few centimetres in front of me. ‘It wasn’t a night out, Lana.’
‘It’s none of my business…’
‘She’s the CEO of an LA-based company I’ve been talking to while I’ve been over here. I thought that if I was going to be staying in Vegas for a while, I might as well make myself useful. It was a business dinner, that’s all.’
‘At half past two in the morning?’
He shrugged. ‘This is Vegas, baby.’
I couldn’t help smiling back now. Yeah. This was Vegas. And I was fast beginning to realise that it had a time zone all of its own.
‘I’m telling the truth, Lana.’
‘Like I said, Adam, it’s none of my business.’
‘But I want it to be.’
That stare of his seemed to grow more intense, and neither of us appeared to be in any hurry to look away.
‘Come upstairs, Lana. Let’s quit all this crap, all this dancing around the subject, and just…’
‘No, Adam.’
‘You and Eddie are over, right?’
I narrowed my eyes as I looked at him. ‘You know we are.’
‘Then what’s stopping us from trying again? Baby, come on. Remember what it felt like when we made love.’
I breathed in deep as his eyes held mine. ‘It was sex, Adam. And, yes, it was great. The best. But you can’t build a relationship on sex alone.’
‘We can try,’ he said, the corners of his mouth twitching up into a smile that I couldn’t help but return. ‘Look, Lana, I get it, okay? I get it now. You’re scared…’
‘Who said I was scared?’
‘You’re scared of trying again. Of giving us another go…’
‘I never said I was scared, Adam. I just don’t want to go jumping straight into something I’m not sure of. The situation’s complicated. And when did you get so loose in your way of thinking? What happened to the man who liked everything planned out and ordered?’
‘He disappeared not long after you walked out.’
I looked at him, cocking my head slightly. ‘You booked your flight home?’
‘Have you?’
I smiled again, sticking my hands in my pockets as I leant back against the reception desk. ‘Not got round to it yet.’
‘Then we’ll do it together. Tomorrow.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘Will we?’
‘We’re both going home. Back to the same place, whether we’re “together” or not. So it makes sense to book the same flight, don’t you think?’ He reached out to gently touch my cheek, his thumb stroking my skin, his breath warm on my face as he took a step closer to me. ‘Just come upstairs, Lana. I get that a second go at a relationship isn’t on the cards just yet, but that doesn’t mean to say we can’t still have some fun, hmm? You up for some fun?’
What was I supposed to do? He had me cornered here. And, yes, I was up for some fun. There was just a part of me that still wished I was having fun with Eddie. But I really had to start forgetting him now. It was over. My beautiful escape, my biker boy – he was gone. And I had to get used to that.
I laid my hand over Adam’s, closing my eyes as he kissed me slowly, our fingers sliding together. ‘This means nothing, Adam. Okay? It means nothing. It’s sex. That’s all it is. It’s sex.’
He smiled, taking my hand and squeezing it gently. ‘Just sex. I promise. Come on. Let’s get out of here.’
Sitting on the bed, watching Adam pour two large shots of whisky, I knew I probably wouldn’t even touch mine. I’d had enough for one night. And anyway, breakfast was only a couple of hours away. Dawn was almost here. So why wasn’t I tired anymore? I’d been up half the night. And for a brief moment downstairs I’d felt exhaustion engulf me. Yet now I was wide awake.
‘Here,’ Adam said, handing me a drink, which I immediately placed on the bedside table. ‘You okay?’ He raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of whisky.
‘I’m fine.’
He bowed his head, staring down into his glass. ‘I’m glad you’re coming home, Lana.’ He looked up, his eyes meeting mine. ‘I wish you were coming home to me…’
‘Adam…’
He sat down on the bed, and I felt my heart start to beat that little bit harder, that tiny bit faster. ‘I’m never going to stop hoping that you will come back to me. One day.’
‘You will. You’ll stop. Eventually.’
‘Then you really don’t know me very well, Lana.’
I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply as he brushed my hair back off my shoulder, leaning in to kiss me so lightly our mouths almost didn’t touch. Why had it never felt like this before? When had we just stopped trying? And as he pushed me back onto the bed I put up no resistance. What was the point in pretending I didn’t want this to happen? He’d worn me down, made his presence felt too much for me to keep on ignoring the way I felt about him. Had Eddie really been nothing more than a distraction? Because it was starting to feel that way, and I hated that. Hated that that’s what was happening, because Eddie had meant so much more to me than a distraction. I just hadn’t realised that – until it was far too late. I seemed to be realising everything far too late. If these confusing feelings I had for Adam were there and I was accepting them, acknowledging them, then why wasn’t I willing to give us another chance?
Our eyes locked together as he slowly pulled off my t-shirt, unhooking my bra, leaning over to brush my breasts with his mouth and I arched my back, sighing quietly, my fingers gripping the sheet beneath me. Did I still love him? Was I still in love with my ex-husband? Or was I just overcome with the fantasy being here, in Vegas, was creating? A place where we could be two completely different people – not the people we’d been when we’d been together. But were those the people we were in danger of reverting back to once we were home? Was that what was stopping me from taking another chance with a man I still felt something for? That fear? Maybe. Or maybe it was just because Eddie was still there.
‘I’ll never stop hoping, Lana,’ Adam whispered, loosening my jeans, pulling them off before sliding his hands back up my legs, my skin breaking out in a million goose bumps as he hooked his fingers into the sides of my knickers. ‘I’ll never, ever stop doing that.’ I lifted my hips up slightly, arching my back even more as he slid my knickers down, leaving me naked and desperate for him again. He hadn’t really left me much choice, and I was fine with that. Fine with this. I was happy to run with it. I needed the distraction, even if sex only confused things.
&nb
sp; He was in no rush, though. He was taking his time, letting his fingers explore, his kisses driving me crazy until I could barely take any more. I was one step away from crying out in frustration, my body aching for him with a pain so real it physically hurt.
So when he finally pushed inside me I felt a relief so huge sweep over me I couldn’t stop the long, deep moan from escaping as I stretched out underneath him, his hands slipping into mine. And I clung onto him, enjoying the slow, steady rhythm our bodies had fallen into, moving together like we’d never been apart. Like this was the way it had always been, and maybe it had, I couldn’t remember. I just knew that, somewhere along the line, we’d forgotten how to love each other. And now we were slowly beginning to remember. Did I really want to let go of that? Did I want to let go of him, for what? Some fantasy I’d thought I’d wanted?
I could feel his breath on my neck, his fingers gripping mine tighter as he pushed that little bit deeper and I drew my legs up, groaning quietly as I felt him respond. Hips crashed against hips, mouths touching, bodies burning up as it all started to come together. His breathing speeded up, became more ragged, more uneven as he pushed harder, and I answered back, bucking up against him. And when that climax hit it took over both of us, almost simultaneously; a feeling so intense I couldn’t help but cry out loud, my fingers crushing his as I clung onto him. He was coming so quickly, I’d never felt anything like it before, not even with Eddie, and it was both beautiful and painful and I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t. I hadn’t felt this way, with this man, about this man, for so long. Too long. And the fact I wasn’t sure I could walk away from him now terrified me more than I thought possible. One minute I was telling him I was coming home, but not back to him, and the next he was making love to me and the only thing I could think about was waking up beside him, every day. Of loving him this way for the rest of our lives. So what I did next, the next move I made – it was something I had to think really hard about, and I wasn’t sure I was brave enough or strong enough to make the decision that needed to be made. All of this, it was pushing the new me a little further away, allowing the old Lana to make a reappearance – something I really didn’t want to happen. And that’s what was making me think twice. My heart was breaking for this man now, but my head was telling me he might not be good for me. Not anymore. The reality of what we could become again – I just couldn’t face going back there. I couldn’t. And all of this, this sudden rush of feelings, they could all be because I wasn’t yet over Eddie – hadn’t yet worked out what he and I had lost. The need to forget him could be causing everything I was feeling for Adam so I couldn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. And that was dangerous.
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 19
