She looked at him with an expression of mild surprise, but she was clearly pleased. “I should like to know more about them, about what they mean to you.”
Darcy was quiet for a moment before beginning. “Father was an excellent landlord and master. He was kind, amiable, and good-natured, very gentlemanly. He was quite like Bingley. Conversely, my mother was much like your sister, Jane, with perhaps a bit more shyness. Now that I know more about my grandparents and their marriage, I think perhaps the scandal of my mother’s family affected her. Father was very loving with her gentle and quiet nature, but I believe he always expected me to be more like him.”
Elizabeth furrowed her brow as Darcy continued to speak. “I can see now the differences in our disposition, but as a child, it felt as though I was failing in my position as the heir of Pemberley. And I saw with great pain that he frequently favoured another.
“As much as I was constantly scolded to be livelier, to not be so withdrawn, I was never told my behaviour was ungentlemanly. As I grew, I was allowed to follow my own will and my own conceit. In my station of life, it is not uncommon to be perceived as too proud to speak to others, and at school, although my reticence was misunderstood, I was not considered unique.
“Few of the amiable boys understood my nature or even bothered to attempt a friendship. I believed they were jealous, but now I understand they likely believed me proud and haughty. I preferred not to seek fellowship with the pretentious boys who truly felt above their company.
“I was sent to school shortly after my mother died. She was the only one who understood me at home and, soon it seemed, in the world. I knew I was being sent away at the usual age, but it still felt as though I were being banished from my father’s sight. When I was home on holiday, he was not interested in my company; I was too much like my mother. He never shirked showing me the duties of the estate, but there was no ease and friendliness like I saw him share with Wickham.”
He paused, lost in memories. “It was many years before I realised Father truly loved me more than he did Wickham. I was his son, and he perceived his role as father to me differently than as mentor to Wickham. I did not understand this until I had to raise Georgiana. Just after I graduated from Cambridge, he took ill. It was a slow, long decline, and I was already acting as master many months before his end.”
Elizabeth touched his arm with her free hand. He looked down into eyes brimming with affection, and he understood no matter the hardships he had faced, they had brought him to this moment. He would never repine a moment of his life again.
“Thank you for sharing with me, William. You have led a very lonely life for so long and have felt yourself misunderstood and misused by some of your closest family and your dearest friend. The responsibility of a vast estate and the welfare of all in your employ was thrust upon you at a young age. Your close attention to your affairs speaks of your honour, when others your age—or even older—would leave the matters to their solicitors and stewards and squander their wealth and youth. And in addition to all of this, you were entrusted with the very life of your much younger sister.”
She spoke fervently. He could feel her admiration for him, although he was amazed once again that, while his opinion of his worth had sunk, he had risen in her esteem.
She looked him straight in the eye. “And I vow this, William. You will be lonely no longer! I will not pretend to understand all your dealings or your moods, but I will be accountable for your happiness when I am your wife, just as you will be accountable for mine as my husband.”
Darcy had realised early in his acquaintance with Elizabeth that having her affection and loyalty would be a privilege. She tenderly nursed her sister to health, gently encouraged the young Maria Lucas, determinedly scolded her younger sisters into better behaviour, and cleverly tried to redirect her mother’s vulgar tongue. During their dance at Netherfield, he noticed her defence of Wickham and desperately wished she felt the same dedication towards him. She was only a woman, and rather slight at that. She could never physically defend him, but her spirit was indomitable, and he felt the compliment of her desire to care for and protect him.
They were walking again, and for some time, he was at a loss as to what to say. A man could hardly be expected to admit the feelings he harboured. It was for him to protect and defend her, and yet he could not deny his yearning for the form of security she offered. At last it struck him. What she was expressing was a desire for equality. They would take care of each other.
He looked down at her face and squeezed the hand gripping his arm as he replied, “Thank you, my love. You have understood my needs perfectly. And I vow to be steadfast in my love and respect for you. I desire your companionship and partnership above everything and everyone else. I will protect your life as my own. Seeking your happiness and approval shall always be my first endeavour. You will want for nothing, especially not for my esteem. I give it in abundance.”
Elizabeth beamed at Darcy’s words. “I know, William. I know.”
*****
Elizabeth sat in the Gardiners’ drawing room the next morning thinking of the night before. The mail had just arrived, and although she held Jane’s letter recounting life in Hertfordshire, her mind wandered. She could not voice her insecurities to Darcy; she could hardly label them herself, but deep within, she knew there was a reason his slight at the assembly had wounded her so deeply.
At the time, she thought he wounded her pride, her opinion of herself, but she soon realised the idle words of a stranger, if untrue, would not affect her opinion of herself. His opinion ran contrary to what she wanted others to believe of her—this was her vanity, as Mary would name it. She wanted to be thought of as pretty, charming, and completely self-assured —a brittle projection that his words shattered. Darcy’s comment had only hurt her because it confirmed her suspicions of herself.
She had always secretly feared she was inadequate, always lacking in the eyes of others in some way. To her mother, she was not as beautiful as Jane, not as lively or good-humoured as Lydia. Her father appreciated her disposition and wit but still called her a silly, ignorant girl, only with more quickness than her sisters. At times, Elizabeth supposed he wished she were born a son, his heir. She frequently felt she did not fit, either with her sisters or amongst many of the young ladies in the neighbourhood.
Perhaps it was no surprise that her truest friend, aside from Jane, was a lady seven years her senior and nearly a spinster. Seeing Charlotte act so senselessly and marry Mr. Collins, to think so little of herself and her abilities, to degrade herself in such a way, shocked and terrified her. At the time, Elizabeth wondered if someday she would make a similar, desperate decision.
What she wanted above all things was to be deeply loved, accepted, and respected. She could never be as beautiful or perfect as Jane, nor did she wish to be. She had been convinced of Darcy’s love for her from nearly his first declaration. For several weeks, she was certain he would always respect her intelligence and disposition, but now he offered equality and partnership.
She had so little to offer this marriage except herself, but she now realised, when stripped of his wealth and rank, Darcy was only asking for love and acceptance, the same as she. They truly were equals in this, and Elizabeth was elated he would comprehend her so thoroughly. Both had led lives in the shadow of loneliness and fear of inadequacy, but now they would care for and strengthen each other.
Her reflections were interrupted by Kitty’s gasp. “Oh, Lizzy! I must tell you what Lydia writes!”
Elizabeth turned her eyes on her sister with alacrity and trepidation. “What does she say?”
“She has heard a report from Maria Lucas that Mary King was sent to her uncle’s in Liverpool to enter seclusion. And now there are other tales of seductions by Wickham; you were quite correct about him! “And she is enjoying the balls and outings very much.” Kitty chuckled at something within the letter. “One of her new acquaintances, a Captain Sloane, seems like quite an amiable f
ellow!”
Elizabeth’s heart beat wildly in her chest at the fear she just survived. Lydia would never run off with Wickham now. “Kitty, does Lyddie say anything else about Wickham?”
Kitty paused for a moment and perused the letter further. “Mrs. Forster, who has not heard of his scandalous actions, reports that his grandmother is very sickly, and he has requested leave to visit her in Newcastle.”
Elizabeth nodded, certain that if he was leaving his regiment, it was not for a sickly grandmother or to go to Newcastle.
Chapter Twenty
Friday, June 19, 1812
Elizabeth was having a hard time not laughing at Darcy. If she thought he appeared unhappy in the ballrooms in Hertfordshire, she could only call his current expression indignant.
She had been slightly annoyed at first, when it appeared he was arranging her dance card, until she realised it was to keep her from distasteful company. She opened with him, of course, followed by dances with both of his cousins and uncle. London Society was thinning quite a bit these days due to the end of the Season, but those remaining desired to glimpse the future mistress of Pemberley.
She had blushed furiously at Darcy’s astounded reaction when first he saw her gown for this ball. It suited her tastes more than when she shopped with her mother and was less daring than the gowns many of the other ladies wore this evening, but it was elegant and of very fine quality. She never felt as beautiful as she did this night, bedecked with several Darcy family jewels and strolling about the room on his arm. She felt like the future Mrs. Darcy.
When she asked about his mood during supper he confessed his current state of pique was due simply to the overcrowded room and their being an item of extreme interest. His confession soothed her nerves considerably.
Despite her amiable dance partners, as the evening wore on she felt her cheer begin to fade again for a different cause. Her time in London had passed too quickly, and she would soon depart with her aunt, uncle, and sister on a tour through some of the northern counties. She would be separated from Darcy for nearly a month before meeting him again at Pemberley.
Aside from knowing she would miss Darcy terribly, she still felt some lingering concern over her ability to be mistress of the estate. But soon she determined to not be intimidated by fears so entirely unreasonable. It had long been the business of her life to make others happy and manage difficult situations. Being the mistress of a large manor, when supported by capable servants, could not be as difficult as life with her imprudent family. She would learn to be an asset to Darcy and Pemberley, even as Darcy was already confident she would.
She felt less satisfied with the fact that Darcy was to remain in London. After hearing the vital contents of Lydia’s letter, he concurred that Wickham could have no intention to visit Newcastle. The man certainly did not have a living grandmother. Darcy had shared his concerns whether it would be creditable to threaten charges of desertion as Wickham had official leave, granted under specious circumstances though it was. She was pleased Darcy was honest with his worries and fears and sought her opinion on the matter, though she had no ready suggestions. She, too, had her set of doubts.
Now she wondered at the wisdom of having spoken so plainly to Lydia. It was clear Wickham was intending to travel to Weymouth, and between Elizabeth’s earlier words and news of Wickham’s licentious ways from Maria Lucas, it was unlikely even Lydia would look upon Wickham with favour. If she rebuffed him or accused him directly, would there be the necessary actions to charge him with desertion? It had not been possible to inform Lydia of the scheme and ask her to pretend an attachment to Wickham long enough for him make his intentions clear and pronounced, as she could never keep a confidence.
Elizabeth recounted in her mind everything she knew about Wickham. Suddenly a thought struck her, and she missed a step in the dance, stumbling a little. She reassured her partner that all was well and met Darcy’s concerned look with one she hoped calmed him. She would speak with him in the carriage. She attempted to pay more attention to her partner for the remainder of the set.
“Aunt, Uncle, Mr. Darcy,” she said once they sat in the carriage. The eyes of all three fixed upon Elizabeth. “This evening I discovered a complication in our plans for Wickham, but I believe I also have constructed a solution.”
Her uncle was the first to recover. “Lizzy, pray, by all means, continue.”
“I have told you how, after Wickham departed, I divulged the truth of his character to my sisters? I meant to put Lydia on her guard against Wickham’s, and any other man’s, attempts at vain flattery.” Her companions nodded in remembrance. “And everyone agreed it was a sensible thought, but I had not considered how it would affect the plans to snare Wickham with his schemes.”
She looked at her family and betrothed as they frowned but did not seem to understand her concerns. “He must believe Lydia will agree to an elopement for us to make the case he did not intend to return to his unit. I understand merely lying to his commanding officer about his location is not much of an offence. Lydia now knows about his seduction of Mary King, among others, and that he is supposed to be in Newcastle. I think she might publicly rebuff him before he can make plans to abscond with her. Wickham may be getting desperate, as he cannot rely on funds from Lady Catherine any longer and knows Lydia is unattended by family. While he must now regard seducing Lydia as his most likely way to extort money, he may flee and devise some new scheme if he feels he is being drawn into a trap. He may seek to damage our family purely out of spite. Therefore, it is important that he remain unaware his true character is known.”
Darcy and her uncle scowled, but her aunt cried, “Oh, but what is to be done? We cannot hope to explain the matter to her and ask her to play a role.”
Elizabeth heartily agreed. “Aye, but perhaps another might do just as well.”
“Lizzy, what can you mean?”
“In Lydia’s latest letter, she mentioned the names of several acquaintances she has made. I know Mr. Darcy has hired men to look after her. I should not be surprised if some of her new friends are these hired men that she has contrived to introduce herself to in some way. Lydia is a silly thing and only wants encouragement to feel attached to anyone, as was our fear with Wickham.”
Elizabeth’s captive audience readily agreed, and she continued, “Perhaps one of these men can particularly recommend himself to her and appear to distract her from Wickham. Wickham will likely feel competitive and sufficiently desperate to become more open and profuse in his attentions, making our case even plainer. If the façade could continue for several weeks, Wickham may even choose to stay beyond his official term of leave. The other gentleman need only suggest to Lydia, and I suppose the Lucases as well, to be discreet and not publicly defame Wickham. They all have generous and unsuspicious hearts. Perhaps our man could explain that to have Wickham’s errors made public might ruin him forever, and he is likely anxious to re-establish his character. Wickham will surely have some charming explanation for why he is in Weymouth instead of Newcastle.”
“And you think they would listen to some ruffian?” Darcy asked.
“Sir, might one of the men in your employ be a Captain George Sloane?”
Darcy furrowed his brow. “I believe so.”
“I understand he is the youngest brother of the current Earl. They will gladly listen to someone with such connections, and Lydia and Maria will be pleased by him being an officer.”
Darcy thought for a moment and accepted the sense of her suggestions. “I will inform my men of the new plan at once.”
Darcy’s frown turned to the cold look she had often seen from him during his first time in Hertfordshire. While Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner were quite delighted with their niece’s amendments to the plans, it seemed her betrothed was angry. She could only return his look with one of confusion and pain.
Although it was late, Darcy was invited for quick refreshments. Elizabeth and Darcy found themselves alone for a moment while Mr. and Mrs. Gar
diner briefly tended to household matters.
Darcy kissed Elizabeth’s hand and turned it over to kiss her palm. She shuddered a little. A part of her longed for a more open display of his ardour but she could not forget his displeasure at her show of intelligence.
“Elizabeth, why do you look at me so?”
She let out a little huff. “I could ask the same of you, sir.”
“What do you mean?”
“That glare in the carriage… it has been many, many weeks since I have last seen it. And to think I thought my prejudice against you simply made me imagine the disapproving look.”
“What?” he cried in disbelief and confusion.
“Do you dislike that I found another error in your plot to send Lydia to Weymouth?”
She expected more anger or disbelief but instead Darcy seemed to comprehend her complaint. He affectionately stroked the back of her hand. “Elizabeth, you always did misunderstand the meaning behind my intent gaze.”
“I think not. I have seen you look at me in approval, in affection, even in what I believe is passion. I can discern that from disapproval.”
He chuckled a little and stepped close enough to speak intimately in her ear. “You have not seen that particular look in my eye lately because there has been little need for me to dwell on my passionate longing for you. In Hertfordshire, I had your hand, your heart, and on several very happy occasions, you in my arms.
“You know I have not been able to demonstrate my passion for you in quite some time, and while I was not jealous of your partners tonight, I did have to share you. I was proud to see how well-liked you were. It was all too easy to consider that the next time we leave a ball in my carriage, it will be to go to our home, with you as my wife. Hearing your clever insight and intelligent solution stirred my yearning for the time when I will have the privilege of having you as a constant companion. You are never as tempting as when you best my intellect.”
She looked into his eyes again and caught her breath. “Oh my,” was her only response as she seemed to recognise the truth of his words and that look.
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