DEDICATION
With gratitude and love, this one’s for my family:
My siblings, Natalie, Saeger, and Harris,
And my parents, William and Karen Philpot
EPIGRAPH
“Perhaps all our loves are merely hints and symbols;
a hill of many invisible crests;
doors that open as in a dream to reveal
only a further stretch of carpet and another door.”
—Evelyn Waugh,
BRIDESHEAD REVISITED
CONTENTS
Dedication
Epigraph
Prologue
The Beginning
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
The Middle
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The End
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
A New Beginning
Chapter Thirty-Four
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Back Ad
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
PROLOGUE
THE BUCHANANS’ PULL WAS AS natural and strong as the moon on the tides, and when I was with them I was happy in the warmth of their reflected light.
If they had any sense of their collective charm, they never showed it. So self-assured were they all by nature that it never occurred to me to doubt that their perfection was predetermined by forces I did not understand. They were all royalty. They were all gods. They were all broken.
I could not tell you now, then, or really ever who I loved more—only that I did love her, and him, and them all with a fierceness that I didn’t know was possible. They say there is nothing like your first love, but they have little to say about loving two people at the same time—or an entire family.
She was as fragile and full of life as a flute of champagne teetering on the edge of a table. He was strong enough to be the man he was born to be, but maybe not the one he would have chosen to become. As for the rest, they amaze me still.
Even knowing, as I do now, that grace, power, and, yes, love can hide the darkest elements of the human heart, I would do it all again. Beginning with the night I met her, then him, then the rest. I would do it all again just to know that for a moment I was one of the Great Buchanans.
THE BEGINNING
Et in Arcadia ego
(Even in Arcadia I exist)
ONE
I WAS JUST DRIFTING OFF to sleep when I heard someone throwing up in the bushes outside my dorm room. Before that unmistakable sound—a combination of heaving and throat clearing—the only noises coming through my open window had been the occasional barking dog and the rare sound of footsteps slapping on the concrete path that cut across the St. Anne’s quad.
I glanced over at Rosalie, but she lay in her bed snoring softly, oblivious. In our three years of rooming together, she had trained herself to sleep through nearly anything. I shut my eyes tighter and willed the sound to be a dream.
“Julia, you okay? Hey Jules, what are you doing?” A girl’s voice I didn’t recognize seemed to be coming from right under the windowsill.
I heard another gut-clenching heave that made my throat hurt just to listen to it, followed by a low groan. I threw the covers off, waiting, hoping, to hear the sounds of the two girls shoving through the bushes. Instead, I heard a third girl join the other two.
“Jules, you’ve got to get up. We can’t stay here.” She spoke like someone was pinching her nose between two fingers. “This isn’t the place to be sick. Mulcaster could come out her door any moment.”
The only response she got was another low groan, followed by the sound of someone clearing her throat and then spitting whatever she had hacked up into the soil. In the darkness of my bedroom I wrinkled my forehead and sat up, rubbing at my eyes and searching the ground near my bed for the new bottle of water I had bought that afternoon in the campus store.
“Come on,” the pinched-nose girl hissed. “We have to get back before the night patrol lady comes around and sees the door propped.”
I heard what sounded like a bag of laundry hitting the brick wall, followed by a muffled thud of something landing on the dirt.
“Hell, Piper. Lemme alone,” said a new voice, this one raspy and almost sultry. A voice I recognized but could not quite place. “Give a girl five minutes to enjoy her gin all over again.” She snorted, and then giggled, before groaning. The retching began once more.
“Jules—” The second girl stopped speaking as the headmistress’s voice trilled out from her front porch, just around the corner from my dorm.
“Hooper, come here, boy. Hooper.”
“Shit. Jules, we need go,” the first girl said, her British accent a little more pronounced than earlier. I gave up on finding the water and focused on fumbling for my slippers on the floor of my closet.
“Jules, come on.”
I heard hands scraping against the wall.
“Lemme alone,” the girl said, right before something tumbled through the bushes, cracking branches before landing in the dirt.
I threw my slippers on the floor and pulled a pair of jeans from the top of my hamper before slipping them on.
“We can’t just leave her, Piper,” the girl with the accent hissed.
“It’s Jules; she can take care of herself or she’ll talk her way out of it. I’m not getting work duty again because of her. Besides, there’s no sense in all three of us getting caught,” Piper said. I should have recognized her. I had heard her speak so many times in Geometry sophomore year.
Piper’s friend must have agreed with her, because the next sound I heard was the scuttle of feet on the gravel of the dorm driveway.
“Merde!” The voice came from right under my window this time.
I paused with my hand on my doorknob, waiting for the sounds of the friends coming back.
But the only noise I heard was the click of metal dog tags slapping against one another as Dr. Mulcaster’s French bulldog explored the drainage ditch by the side of the science building.
I breathed deeply out my nose and eased the door open just enough for me to slip through and down the hall.
The common room was partially lit by blue moonlight that drifted through the ceiling-high arched windows. No matter what time of day it was, the common room smelled like burned popcorn and old sofa. Grabbing a wrinkled fashion magazine from the nearest armchair, I propped open the door to the quad and then crept into the dark.
The air was a New England April combination of the end of winter and the beginning of spring: a mixture of barely defrosted dirt, freshly mowed playing fields, and a hint of salt from the ocean miles away in Hyannis.
I slid with my back against the brick, trying to avoid the sharp branches of the bushes and give myself some cover. The back of my right thig
h scraped against the wall as I rounded the final corner, and I had to pause and bite my bottom lip to keep from crying out.
Just under my window, I could make out the outline of a small figure with her head against her knees and her arms clinging to the wall behind her as if it alone was keeping her from floating away.
“Hooper, come here now.” Dr. Mulcaster’s voice sounded closer, and I could picture her standing on her front porch, squinting into the night for the small black dog that was nearly impossible to see in the dark. Dropping to the ground, I inched forward, pushing my hands into the soft dirt for balance until I reached the doubled-over girl.
“Hey,” I whispered. “Hey, are you okay?”
Her thick, dark hair hung like a curtain about her face. Taking a hand from the wall, she pushed some strands away from her cheek and peered at me from under one thin arm.
I was right. I had heard her many times before, but it was the first time I had seen her close up.
Her dark eyes were bloodshot at the edges, and her fading spring-break tan and her sharp cheekbones made them seem enormous. Her nose was a little too large for her other features, but it made her more than just pretty. It made her interesting.
After staring at me for several moments, studying me so intensely I wanted to duck into the shadows, she asked, “Do you know who I am?”
I nodded. Of course I did.
“Magnifique, because I don’t mean to be rude, but right now I don’t have a clue who you are. Merde! I don’t think I’m done yet.”
She rose unsteadily to her feet, braced one arm against the wall, and threw up the rest of her stomach on my slippers.
“Crickets,” she said, still bent in half. “I hope those weren’t expensive.”
I took a shallow breath through my mouth, willing the microwave noodles I’d had during study hall to stay down. “It’s fine. They’re wicked old. Let’s go before Dr. Mulcaster sees us.”
As if to prove my point, the headmistress, yelling, “Dammit, Hooper!” was followed by the sound of sneaker-clad feet thumping down wooden stairs.
The girl nodded weakly as she straightened up. I knew she was short, but even at her full height she barely came to my shoulder, and I had to hunch down to put my arm under hers. With me half carrying her, we shuffled toward the dorm door, where I kicked off my slippers and dropped them in the trash bin under the exit sign. Once we were in my room, I sat her on my bed and turned my desk lamp on its lowest setting.
She barely moved as I coaxed her out of her dirty clothes, and she kept her arms above her head like a toddler waiting to be picked up while I pulled a T-shirt over her.
“You’re so pretty. So tall,” she said as she flopped back on my bed. “My sister was tall. The rest of them are all tall.” She frowned at some thought as I nudged her back farther on the bed until she no longer looked like she would fall off and then changed out of my shirt and jeans.
“Just so you know before we snuggle,” she mumbled, “I like girls. Like like girls.”
“Shhhh.” I put my finger up to my lips even though her eyes were already closed. “I know.”
She fell asleep while I was in the bathroom scrubbing my feet in the middle shower stall. I walked on the balls of my feet back down the hallway, stopping to open the door to the quad just enough to grab a perfect white stone from the walkway before shutting it with a click. I kept walking on my toes even once I reached my room and slid the stone into the old wooden toolbox beside the duffel bag in my closet.
I did not need a memory to help me remember that night, but I wanted one anyway.
I climbed over her and squeezed in on the side of the bed nearest the wall. Her small body barely took up a third of the twin mattress. Before shutting my eyes, I glanced over at Rosalie. She had pulled her Canadian-flag quilt up over her head. I would be waking up to a very cranky roommate.
I stayed up half the night, unable to sleep with the strange feeling of another person’s body lying so close. When I woke up, only a dent on the pillow where Julia Buchanan’s head had rested next to mine gave any indication that she had been there at all.
AN APOLOGY
I found the package and flowers at my door when I got back from third period the next morning.
The flowers weren’t anything like the plastic-wrapped ones my dad picked up from the grocery store when he forgot an anniversary. They were a collection of hunter green, pale green, and olive green flowers and ferns. Their scent was strong enough to smell from the common room.
The package contained tissue-paper-wrapped slippers from a department store I had only been in once. They were sweater soft.
Julia’s note was tucked into one of the toes.
Please accept my most very, very sincere apologies.
I’d say that’s the first time I’ve found myself in such a predicament—but that would be a blatant lie.
Drop by my room tomorrow afternoon so I can apologize in person. I’m in 5D, Pembroke Hall, North Tower.
If you don’t come I’ll be heartbroken, which might lead me to drink again . . . and we don’t want that, now do we? ☺
Yours in contrition,
JB
TWO
AT ST. ANNE’S, THERE WERE some girls who wore their scholarship status like badges, flaunting consignment shop blazers in atrocious patterns that technically adhered to dress code, but also openly mocked it. There were girls who looked like walking billboards for Italian and French designers with names they struggled to pronounce blazed across their chests and butts. There were girls who wore clothes of such deliberate taste and quality that they might as well have pasted hundred-dollar bills on themselves. And then there were girls who didn’t have to care what they wore. With them, the shabbier they dressed, the more important and older their family was. They didn’t care because they could afford not to.
Pembroke Hall was generally where such girls and legacies lived. Thick maroon carpeting dotted with the St. Anne’s crest ran the length of the fifth-floor hall over shining hardwood floors. The air smelled like lemon cleaner, as if one of the custodians had just been through. Three clunky chandeliers provided a dim glow that could not have been lower if they were using candles instead of lightbulbs. The navy blue walls were lined in perfect symmetry with sepia-toned photographs of smiling residents from past years.
I padded slowly down the hall, not particularly anxious to arrive where I was curious to go. The photos gave me an excuse to pause. In one, a girl in a long flowing dress stood on her tiptoes with her arms around the neck of a horse. Her face was half hidden against the horse’s sides, but her small smile revealed that she knew she was being photographed. Her light-colored hair was wavy and fell just below her chin. I lifted my right hand to my mouth and began to chew at a hangnail.
“Oh, she’s my favorite,” a voice purred over my left shoulder.
I jumped. When the small of my back hit the molding on the wall behind me, my left hand swung out until I felt it connect with skin.
“Oh, my god. I am so sorry,” I stammered. Julia Buchanan now stood in front of me, her hands clutching her right cheek.
“You startled me. Oh, God. I am so sorry. Does it hurt?”
Julia raised her eyes from the floor, her mouth opened in a small O. And then she smiled and dropped her hands. “Well now, I suppose we’re even. I lose pasta night and a half a bottle of gin over your slippers and you whomp me in return.”
I didn’t say anything, but I smoothed my hair back from my face.
“You’re right. Not fair at all. I should probably let you stomp on my foot to make things even.” She laughed, and the sound was like hundreds of glasses clicking together. “Oh, ease up. I’m only joking.” She smiled even as the redness on her cheek grew darker. “If I really wanted to be even, I would have given you a go at both cheeks; after all, I’m pretty sure I not only ruined your slippers, but also made off with a T-shirt.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “It’s from freshman year.�
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“You shouldn’t bite your nails, you know.” Julia took my right hand in her pale palms. She raised it to her face and studied my fingers. “You have a piano player’s hands.”
With her eyes on me, I became all too aware of my broken nails and raw red cuticles. “Thanks, but I don’t play piano. They’re in wicked sad shape.”
Julia laughed her clinking-glass laugh but did not let go of my hand. “Et pourquoi ça?”
I shook my head. “I don’t speak French.”
“C’est dommage,” she said. “Where are you from?”
“What makes you ask?”
“The ‘wicked’ as an adverb. It’s a New England thing, but you also draw out your vowels like they’re stuck on your tongue.”
I had no idea if it was good or bad to have tongue-sticking vowels.
“New Hampshire. Way up north. Practically in Canada.”
“Live free and die. State motto, right?”
“Live free or die,” I said. “We give you an option.”
Julia smiled, biting the corner of her lip as if to keep her mouth from opening any wider. “You’re funny. We’re going to get along fabulously. Well, I suppose you should come say hello to everyone.”
Julia turned and I followed her at a distance as she glided down the hall to the last door in the corner tower.
She threw the door wide open, causing it to hit the back wall with a thump. “Ladies, I hope you’re halfway decent.”
“Hell, Jules, must you shout all the time? You’re going to piss off the whole floor, never mind bring every security guard on campus running.”
I recognized Piper’s voice immediately this time. Catching the door as it drifted back, I eased it shut behind me and let my eyes adjust to the low lighting.
The round room was stuffed with furniture. It resembled a murky antique shop bursting with piles of forgotten treasures more than a dorm room. The St. Anne’s–provided dresser was weighted down with knickknacks, picture frames, and a shrunken cactus in a clay pot that looked like it hadn’t been watered since the beginning of the school year. A mirror with a heavy gilded frame hung against one wall opposite a cream-colored chaise longue piled with clothes. Two beanbag chairs sat in the center around a low coffee table that was covered with textbooks with their broken spines in the air, wrinkled papers, and ripped magazines. Discarded clothing seemed to hang on every surface, dripping like the clocks in Dalí’s paintings. And against the wall nearest the door was the standard twin bed found in every room. It was unmade and piled with a sun-faded quilt, decorative pillows, and even more clothing.
Even in Paradise Page 1
