by Diana Bold
“I need some more time,” she whispered, slipping out of his embrace. “If you’re really serious about courting me, you’re going to have to prove you’ve changed.” She couldn’t even believe she was giving him that much, but what she’d just seen had made her realize how desperately lonely she was, how the only time she’d been truly happy was when she was with the man next to her.
He raked his hands through his dark hair in frustration. “What do you want from me? How can I prove such a thing?”
She shook her head, tears stinging her eyes. “I don’t know, Julian. I only know I’m not ready to fall into your arms again just yet.”
“WELL.” AFTER THEY’D seen the girls off, Julian hid a smile and poured himself and Michael both a stiff drink. “It seems as though your courtship with Miss Marks is proceeding smashingly well.”
Michael accepted the drink, though he shot Julian a fulminating glare over the rim as he drained it. “A gentleman would let the matter rest,” he snapped. “He certainly wouldn’t be sniffing around for more details.”
“Lucky for you, I’m not a gentleman then, isn't it?” Julian leaned forward and refilled Michael’s glass, raising an eyebrow at the speed with which he’d downed it. “Because I can’t let this rest until I’m certain you’ll stop feeling guilty over what happened. Hell, I’m happy to see you’re human. She’s good for you. You know that, don’t you?”
Michael shook his head. “I was starting to think so, but now I’m not so sure. Christ, I can’t think of anything except bedding her.”
Julian laughed.
“It’s not funny. I completely lost control tonight. What if it had been someone other than you and Jane to open that door?”
“Well, it wasn’t, so stop berating yourself. Emma obviously isn’t sorry about what happened, so why should you be?”
“That’s another thing,” Michael admitted. “She’s the most passionate woman I’ve ever known. I fear if she starts straying outside our marriage, I won’t be able to bear it.”
“You love her,” Julian observed soberly.
Michael closed his eyes and scrubbed his hand over his face in dismay. “I certainly didn’t feel this insane protectiveness over Natalia.”
Julian sighed. “Why are you so certain Emma will stray?”
“They all stray,” Michael muttered. “My mother—” He broke off and shook his head. “She was repeatedly unfaithful to my father. In fact, I think that’s why he’s so bitter, so unable to love anyone. Even his own children.”
Julian frowned and tossed back the contents of his glass. “I’m sure the earl was an insufferable bastard long before he met your mother. And you mustn’t judge her too harshly. You haven’t the slightest idea what drove her to take a lover, if she really did. Besides, your parents have absolutely nothing to do with your future bride.”
Michael held out his glass for yet another refill. “I don’t know how everything got so complicated.”
“Such is life.” Julian shrugged philosophically. “You should be in my shoes, my friend. At least you and Emma are starting with a clean slate. I have years of past sins to atone for where Jane is concerned.”
Michael frowned. “You can’t mean to make her your mistress. She’s an innocent. A lady.”
Julian glared at him. “Is it so inconceivable that my intentions for Lady Jane might be honorable?”
“Yes,” Michael answered, his surprise making him uncharacteristically tactless. “You told me just the other day you never intended to marry.”
“I said I never intended to marry someone I didn’t love.” Julian shook his head and strode across the room, turning his back on Michael as he stared out the window. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved Jane. I admit it scared the hell out of me.” He met Michael’s gaze over his shoulder. “So, I walked away. I lost everything because I didn’t have the courage to trust her.”
Michael looked away, unable to meet his gaze.
Julian sighed. “Don’t let your past ruin your future,” he admonished. “That’s hard-won wisdom, so don’t take it lightly.” Then, he turned and strode from the room, leaving Michael alone to ponder his words.
As he headed home, he couldn’t stop remembering the pain in Jane’s voice when she’d told him how he’d hurt her.
Frustrated, he slammed his hand against the side of his carriage, relishing the sharp pain. He’d laid his heart bare tonight, once again thinking that it would be enough. But it wasn’t. He’d hurt her too badly.
And she’d brought up Ethan.... It seemed too much of a coincidence that both she and Harding had urged him to mend things with his brother.
His mistakes were catching up to him. He only hoped he had the strength to prove his love to those who mattered most.
Chapter Six
Julian rode up to Sherbourne Hall two days before Michael and Emma’s wedding. He was pleased to find Michael’s brother, Dylan, and his new wife, Natalia, had already arrived. He spent a few minutes chatting with his old friend, who seemed uncommonly distracted, but before he could ask Dylan what was wrong, Emma’s retinue came up the long drive, and the moment was lost.
He watched from the front steps at Michael went out to greet his future bride, noticing that things still seemed tense between them. He hoped that they managed to find some happiness together, but this certainly wasn’t an auspicious beginning. Emma had been forced to lower her expectations time and again, giving up everything she’d wanted her wedding to be and accepting this rushed affair simply so Michael could get his hands on her dowry as soon as possible. Julian knew his friend was under immense stress and strain, but he couldn’t help but feel that he ought to be trying a little harder to woo his lovely fiancée.
Jane and Emma’s father, Black Jack Marks, the American industrialist, followed the couple into the castle, and everyone chatted for a while before the new arrivals all went to rest and clean up before dinner. Julian tried repeatedly to get Jane’s attention, but she seemed determined to ignore him, and there wasn’t much he could do without making a spectacle of himself.
Later that evening, Julian found himself seated next to Jane at the dining room table, which wasn’t surprising, since they were the odd ones out. “How are you?” he asked softly when he sat down beside her, glad to finally have her to himself at least somewhat.
“It was a long trip,” she replied remotely. “I’m still feeling a bit tired.”
“I hate traveling by coach,” he agreed. “I’d much prefer to ride.”
Jane sighed. “Well, women don’t have that luxury.”
He frowned, knowing she was right. “You’re a wonderful rider,” he said, remembering carefree summer days when the two of them had ridden through the woods that crisscrossed their families’ estates. “Do you find the opportunity to do so in the city?”
She shook her head, not meeting his eyes. “No, I’m afraid not. I only own two carriage horses, neither of which is a very good mount.”
He found that incredibly sad. “Well, I own a lovely bay mare you’d probably love. Perhaps once we return to London, we can go for a ride through the park.”
Eagerness flickered in her eyes for just a moment before she ruthlessly banked it. “Do you really think there’s a need for us to continue to see each other, once the wedding is over?”
Feeling as though he’d been punched in the gut, he sank back into his chair. “Need? Perhaps not. But I’d like to continue to see you, Jane. How am I supposed to prove myself to you, if you don’t give me the opportunity?”
She sighed, pressing her hand to her temple as though she suffered a megrim. “I’m sorry. That was unnecessarily rude of me. I just keep thinking that this has all been a lark for you, that you’ll lose interest once we’re not forced into close proximity.”
Though he knew she had every reason to think poorly of him, he still felt stung by her lack of faith. Since he’d told her he wanted to court her, she’d given him very little reason to believe that was what she
wanted. He very greatly feared that once Michael and Emma were wed, they would indeed drift apart again.
“What must I do?” he asked her once again. “I truly do want to prove myself to you.”
She finally met his gaze, allowing him to see the seething emotion she’d been trying so hard to conceal. “You hurt me,” she whispered. “Do you think it’s easy for me to forget that? To trust you again?”
“No,” he said softly, aware that Natalia, who was Jane’s cousin, was staring at them with obvious concern from across the table. “But I also know that you still care for me. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be talking to me at all.”
She gave a low, bitter laugh. “You think you know me so well. But I’m not the sweet young girl you once knew. I’m stronger now. I’ve had to be.”
Before he could say more, Natalia cleared her throat. “I’m so glad you’re here, Jane! It’s been far too long since we saw each other. We must catch up.”
He didn’t know how much of their whispered conversation Jane’s cousin had heard, but she’d obviously decided that Julian was bothering Jane and had decided to take matters into her own hands. Knowing his opportunity to speak to Jane privately had passed, he reluctantly turned his attention to the rest of the table as Jane and Natalia continued to talk.
Once again, he noticed that Dylan seemed upset or nervous about something, which was very unlike him. Dylan generally had a carefree attitude that Julian had always appreciated, which was probably why they’d become such good friends in school. Julian had been drawn to Dylan’s sunny disposition the way he’d been drawn to Jane’s.
As soon as dinner was over and the group filtered into the parlor, Julian cornered his old friend near the piano. “How’s married life?” Julian asked, hoping that Natalia wasn’t behind Dylan’s brooding. He needed to believe that his friend was still as happy in his marriage as he’d seemed on his wedding day.
Dylan gave a quick grin, setting Julian’s mind at ease. “Wonderful. Natalia and I are settling in well at Aldabaran.”
Dylan had only recently found out that he’d been left an estate in Scotland by his late maternal grandfather. His father had kept it from him, for no reason that Julian could see other than pure spitefulness. The Earl of Warren had treated his second son as poorly as Julian’s own father had treated Ethan.
“You seem distracted,” Julian observed, deciding to cut to the chase. “Is something wrong?”
Dylan glanced at Michael. “I have something I need to tell Michael. Something I know is going to hurt him. Natalia convinced me to wait until after the wedding, and I know she’s right, but it’s eating at me. I’ve held it inside for too long already.”
Julian frowned. “Perhaps you should tell me then.”
Dylan gave a short laugh. “Maybe it would help me to get your opinion on the matter. Perhaps you can tell me whether you think I should tell Michael at all.”
“Of course,” Julian agreed readily, a bad feeling taking root in the pit of his stomach. Because he had no real relationship with his own brother, he’d always thought of Dylan and Michael as his family. He cared deeply for them both and would hate to see either of them hurt.
Dylan glanced around the room once more, making sure that everyone else seemed to be occupied in their own conversations, and led Julian a little farther away from the rest, toward the window. “When I arrived at Aldabaran, I found out that the Earl of Warren is not my true father,” he admitted quietly. “My mother had an affair with her father’s groom, a man named Patrick MacPherson.”
Julian’s eyes widened in surprise. “That must have been very shocking. I’m terribly sorry.”
Dylan shook his head. “Don’t be. I was actually very pleased by the revelation. Patrick is a wonderful man, and he’s become the father I always wanted. I’m only sorry that I didn’t know the truth much sooner.”
When Julian thought of all the pain and heartache the earl had put Dylan through, he saw how it must be a relief to know that the old bastard wasn’t actually his father. He’d obviously been making Dylan pay all these years for his mother’s betrayal. No wonder Michael found it so hard to trust women.
“I think Michael already knows that your mother was unfaithful,” Julian told Dylan, remembering the conversation they’d had the night Michael had met Emma. “I don’t think he’ll find this too surprising.”
Dylan sighed pensively. “I’m sure it wouldn’t bother him that much, if that’s all I had to tell him.” He glanced across the room at his brother, who was staring their way, obviously wondering what they were talking about. Lowering his voice, Dylan continued, “When I arrived in Scotland, I started having terrible nightmares. After I found out about Patrick, I realized that the dreams were actually memories.”
“What did you remember?” Julian asked quietly, his heart aching for his friends.
“When I was seven, my mother and I went to spend the summer in Scotland. Michael stayed in London with his father. The earl had paid one of the servants to report back to him about my mother. Apparently, Warren found out that my mother and Patrick were having an affair, and he came up to Scotland to confront her.” Dylan swallowed and shook his head. “They got into a fight out by the cliffs, and I saw him push her to her death.”
“Dear God,” Julian whispered, reaching out to squeeze his friend’s shoulder.
“Patrick says I ran away, hid in the smuggler’s caves below the castle. It took them days to find me, and I never spoke of it afterward. I think I somehow managed to block it out. But returning to Scotland finally brought all those memories back.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t killed the old bastard.” Julian released his friend’s shoulder and glanced back at Michael. “But you’re right. This will destroy Michael.”
Dylan nodded, his eyes deeply troubled. “Trust me, I’d like nothing more than to kill Warren. But I’ve got too much to lose now.” He nodded slightly in Natalia’s direction. “I’ve decided to leave Warren’s punishment up to Michael. He is the one who will suffer most if there is a scandal.”
“An earl accused as a murderer? That will be difficult to prove.” Julian had no doubt that Dylan was telling the truth, but he knew how hard it would be to convict someone like Warren of such a thing. Especially since Dylan had been a child when he’d witnessed it, and the earl had already gotten away with it for so long. He sighed. “Well, I think Natalia is right. You should wait to tell him until after the wedding. He and Emma have enough problems to deal with already.”
“I know you’re right,” Dylan said. “This has just been eating at me for so long. I know it’s always bothered Michael that Warren was so cruel to me. I think perhaps it will ease his mind a bit to know there was a reason for it, that I’m not Warren’s child at all.”
“Perhaps,” Julian said doubtfully. “But he’ll also have to confront the fact that his father murdered his mother.”
Dylan rubbed his forehead as though he had a sudden headache. “That’s true. I’m obviously not thinking clearly. I don’t want to hurt Michael. It just infuriates me, you know? To think that he’s gotten away with it all these years.”
“I understand.” Turning, Julian went over to the sideboard and poured them both a glass of brandy, then handed one to Dylan. “But this is a happy occasion. Let’s help Michael and Emma celebrate their marriage tonight. We’ll worry about the rest tomorrow.”
However, as they turned back to the rest of the group, he feared what Dylan’s revelations would mean for Michael.
Chapter Seven
Jane couldn’t sleep.
The journey to Sherbourne Hall for Emma and Michael’s wedding had seemed to take forever, and once she’d arrived, she’d been forced into close quarters with Julian once again. Dinner had been excruciating, with Michael’s brother and Jane’s cousin Natalia so obviously in love, and Michael and Emma unable to keep their eyes off each other despite the tension between them. She and Julian had been paired up, and she couldn’t help thinkin
g how it might be if she’d accepted his proposal and they could be a couple in truth. She’d tried to remain distant this evening, but she had to admit that his sweetness was wearing her down.
The mere fact that Julian was in the room next door made it impossible to close her eyes. If she did, she’d be too tempted to picture him lying in his bed, his magnificent body naked beneath the crisp white sheets.
With a soul-deep sigh, she flung away her blankets and paced the room with growing agitation. Thank God Emma and Michael were finally getting married tomorrow. Once her obligations to the young American were over, she could return home and be spared the constant temptation of Julian’s arms.
Why did he have to be so heartbreakingly handsome? He shouldn’t speak of things such as love and second chances. She was far too susceptible to his sweet seductive words and smoldering glances.
It wasn’t fair.
She desperately wanted to believe he still loved her and wanted her to become his wife.
Her heart begged her to take the risk, but she knew even if he truly wanted her now, it would be a fleeting thing. Once he’d had his fill, he would move on, as he’d done before. Then she’d be left alone in their shell of a marriage, trying to keep up the pretense while her heart shattered.
Still, she couldn’t stop thinking of Emma and Michael’s passionate embrace, couldn’t stop wishing she’d allowed Julian to take such liberties all those years ago. What would it have mattered? What good was her virginity to her now?
She didn’t want to die a shriveled-up old prune, having never known what it was like to make love to a man.
Hugging her arms to her chest to fend off a sudden chill, she stared at her mirrored reflection.
“You’re too lovely to be a spinster.”
Julian’s words whispered through her mind, and a new resolve sparked to life within her. Why shouldn’t she go to him, now, before the ravages of age caught up to her? Why shouldn’t she have one beautiful memory to keep her warm during all the long lonely nights to come?
