Orin shot him a pointed look. “And did you keep your part of the bargain? I don’t think so. If you were being honest with me, and yourself, you’d admit that you love Lilly.”
Love! The word struck him so hard that he unwittingly reached out to brace a hand against Roscoe’s strong shoulder. “I don’t want to love Lilly. I can’t. If I let myself love her...something bad will happen. That’s the way things always go, isn’t it? That’s the way it went for you.”
Orin swung his head back and forth. “If you think that, Rafe, you’re being a fool.”
Rafe walked to the edge of the shade and wiped a cleansing hand over his face. “Dad, how can you, of all people, say that? You lost Darci and then Mom and—”
Orin walked up behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “That’s exactly why you should be grabbing Lilly and hanging on for all you’re worth.”
“But Dad, look what losing them has done to you—to all of us!”
Dropping his hand from Rafe’s shoulder, Orin moved a few steps away and with his hands resting on his hips, stared out at the river and the grazing cattle. “Whoever told you that life was going to be perfect? Hell, yes, losing my daughter was an agony I can’t begin to describe. And when Claudia died, I was completely ripped apart.”
Rafe turned toward his father. “Was? You’ve been ripped apart for years and behaving like you’re ninety-two instead of sixty-two! I don’t want that happening to me!”
His eyes narrowed against the bright sun, Orin continued to stare out at the red cattle and nearly dry creek bed. “You’re right, son. I’ve not handled a lot of things well—especially when it comes to your mother. Back when Darci died and the two of us were eaten up with grief, she shut me out of her life. At the time I thought I could find relief in another woman. But that was a huge mistake, Rafe. Once you find that special one, any other woman won’t do.”
Rafe had already come to that conclusion, yet it was a relief to hear his father had reached the same deduction.
“I’m finding that out,” Rafe admitted.
Orin sighed. “Cheating on your mother is something I’ll carry to my grave. I can’t erase the hurt it’s caused you boys. But I can try to guide you away from making a mistake and losing the woman you love.”
Years of regret were etched upon Orin’s face and the sight of it had Rafe momentarily forgetting his own misery. He laid a comforting hand on his father’s shoulder. “We forgave you, Dad. And my brothers and I all love having our sister, Sassy, in the family.”
Orin gave him a wry smile. “This past year with Sassy coming into my life, Dad having the stroke and now you getting involved with Lilly—all of it opened my eyes to how I’ve been wasting my life. And that would’ve made your mother very angry with me. And I’ll tell you something else, Rafe. Right about now she’d be very disappointed in you for not stepping up to the plate and marrying Lilly. She would’ve loved having Lilly in the family, too. We all would.”
He certainly couldn’t argue that point, Rafe thought. His mother had wished for all her sons to marry and give her grandchildren. Now, the fact that his mother had been friends with Lilly made it seem as though she was speaking to him from the grave, urging him to follow his heart.
The thickness in Rafe’s throat was growing steadily worse, making it impossible for him to say a word, and thankfully, his father didn’t seem to expect him to.
Finally, he managed to mutter, “I’ve been behaving like a real bastard, Dad. I don’t know why you’re even bothering with me.”
Orin smiled wanly. “Of all my sons you are more like me than any of the others. You are the spirit of this ranch, Rafe. And I want you to be happy.”
Of all the things his father had ever said to him, this had to be the most surprising and by far the most rewarding. And suddenly, everything his father had been saying to him was settling in his mind and filling him with hope.
He said, “I do love Lilly. But each time I think of making a real family with her I get the cold shakes. I’m not as strong as you, Dad. If I lost Lilly—”
“It’s not about losing, son,” Orin swiftly interrupted. “It’s all about loving and living. For as long as you can.”
Realizing he was still gripping the empty tin cup, Rafe tossed it to his father. “Are you ready to make the ride back to the ranch? I think it’s time I take care of some business in town.”
Smiling broadly, Orin patted his son’s back. “Let’s mount up.”
Moments later, the two men were loping side by side, their horses pointed directly toward home.
Chapter Twelve
Throughout the evening Lilly had done her best to push past their failure to save the accident victim and focus on the stream of ill and injured people that continued to pass through the emergency unit. Even so, the shift had been a taxing one. By the time it ended and Lilly made her way to the locker room, she was utterly drained.
“You look like you’re about to fall over,” Marcella commented as the two women changed out of their uniforms and into street clothes. “Why don’t you come home with me? We’ll pick up Harry from Mom’s and then all go out to get a burger or pizza.”
Lilly pulled a black knit top over her head, then smoothed it into place. “It’s nice of you to ask, Marcella, but I couldn’t eat a bite. After a day like today I just need a good night’s rest.”
“Don’t we all. I’ve never seen Doctor Sherman looking so distraught. I almost felt sorry for the man.” She tossed a sheepish look over at Lilly. “A few minutes ago, I took him a cup of coffee.”
“You did? I’m glad. What did he say?”
“Nothing. Just thanked me. But I didn’t do it to gain his favor. I thought it might perk him up a bit.” Marcella stepped into a pair of sandals. “Some doctors feel too much, you know? I think he’s one of them. In five years’ time he’ll probably be burned out and dealing used cars somewhere.”
Lilly cast her friend a pointed look. “Some nurses feel too much, too. I think I’m looking at her.”
Marcella shot her a guilty smile. “Well, something about Peter got to me.”
“Something about that accident victim got to me,” Lilly admitted. “He reminded me of Rafe in so many ways. Young, strong and clearly adventurous. I’ve spent all evening imagining how I would feel if an accident took his life.”
Frowning, Marcella said, “You’d be devastated, of course. My Lord, Lilly, we’re human and we’re also nurses. We don’t want to see anything happen to even our worst enemies.”
But Rafe wasn’t her enemy, Lilly thought. He was the man she’d fallen in love with. The man that she still loved and probably always would. Each day that passed without him in her life was a waste. But what could she do about it? She’d cut her ties with him. It was doubtful he’d want to start over. Not after the things she’d said to him and the way they’d parted.
“I’m out of here,” Marcella suddenly announced. “See you tomorrow.”
Marcella’s departure jarred Lilly out of her gloomy thoughts. She waved to her friend as the other woman left the locker room, then turned back to the task of gathering her things. She was stuffing her uniform and shoes into a tote bag when the cell phone in her purse began to jangle.
Since their heated split that night at Lilly’s house, Rafe hadn’t called her even once. Not that she’d expected him to. Still, that hadn’t stopped her from foolishly hoping each time the phone rang.
This time was no different as she fished the device from her purse, but hope quickly vanished the moment she spotted the familiar number. She was hardly in the mood for her mother’s rants, but she decided to answer it, anyway. If not, Faye would just keep ringing. And maybe for once, she’d get lucky and her mother would be in an amiable mood.
Clearing her voice, Lilly tried to hide her weariness. “Hi, Mom.”
“If you’re still at work, I’m sorry, honey,” Faye said briskly. “But I just thought I ought to call and let you know what’s going on with your parents.”
Nothing like getting directly to the point, Lilly thought. With a silent groan, she asked, “What is going on? Have one of you been sick or hurt?”
Her mother chuckled smugly. “No! I’m feeling better than I have in years! I went to see a lawyer today. I’ve decided to divorce your father.”
Years of fighting, squabbling, moaning and yelling had gone on between her parents, but throughout that time Lilly had never heard either one of them ever speak the word divorce. Hearing it now, of all days, was too much for Lilly.
“I don’t want to hear this, Mother. Not tonight. I think you’d better think this through calmly and after you do, we’ll talk about it.”
Faye sputtered. “What do you mean you don’t want to hear it? You’ve got to hear it at some point. Later isn’t going to make it any easier for you to accept.”
Furious over her mother’s lack of sensitivity, Lilly muttered, “You know, Mother, I’m beginning to think that’s just what you deserve. A good divorcing!”
The woman gasped. “What?”
“You heard me, all right.”
“Why would you say such a thing to me?” Faye demanded. “I’ve been a wonderful mother to you. A dedicated wife to your father. And what have I gotten for it in return? Ron fights me at every turn and you always take his side! Why can’t either of you see things my way?”
Except for the divorce word, Faye’s remarks were nothing new. Lilly had heard it all before. But tonight it was like she was really hearing the meaning behind them, and as she stared around the small locker room it felt as though an extra light had switched on and she was seeing everything with stark clarity. For years her mother had tried to force her father to be someone other than himself. Lilly couldn’t follow in her mother’s footsteps and demand that Rafe be something different. If she ever expected him to want a wife and family, she’d have to show him how wonderful love could be for a lifetime and then allow him to make up his own mind.
“I’ll tell you why, Mother. Because not once in your life have you ever considered your husband’s wishes. Not once in your life have you ever put him first. If you want to do the right thing you’ll stop fighting the man and start loving him, really loving him—before it’s too late for either of you!”
Faye sucked in a sharp breath. “Too late! What do you mean too late? I’ve been patient. I’ve given him years to change his ways!”
Sighing, Lilly gentled her voice to an encouraging plea. “Think about it. Just imagine your life without your husband in it. Then maybe you’ll understand.”
“But, Lilly—”
“Sorry, Mother. I’ve got to go now. We’ll talk later. When we’ve both calmed down.” She lowered the phone from her ear and punched the end button.
Grateful that she had the tiny locker room to herself, Lilly sank onto the dressing bench and covered her face with both hands.
In all her life, she couldn’t ever recall feeling as battle weary as she did at this moment. After everything she’d gone through in emergency today, her mother’s petty whining seemed ridiculous. And so did her break with Rafe. Being with the man that she loved was more important, more precious than anything. So what if he didn’t want to marry her right now? That didn’t mean he would always be dead set against making her his wife. As long as they were together, there was always hope that he’d grow into the idea of love and marriage and children. She had to believe that. She had to keep fighting for those things she wanted most.
With sudden decision, Lilly quickly jumped to her feet and grabbed her bag and purse. The hour was already growing late, but she didn’t care. She was going to drive out to the Silver Horn and talk with Rafe face-to-face. Even if she had to drag him out of bed to do it.
Moments later, she was striding through the emergency waiting room on her way toward the exit to the parking lot when she spotted Rafe coming through a pair of double glass doors. He caught sight of her immediately and as he walked straight toward her, she couldn’t miss the huge bouquet of fresh-cut flowers resting in the crook of one arm. Yet it was the humble, yearning look on his face that really snared her attention and sent her heart into a wild, hopeful flutter.
What was he doing here? After nearly three weeks of ignoring her, why had he suddenly appeared on a night when her heart was weeping for him?
The questions were spinning in her head as she stopped in her tracks and waited for him to reach her side.
Once he was standing in front of her, she asked, “Are you here to visit someone in the hospital? Or are you here to see me?”
A rueful smile twisted his lips. “What do you think?”
As her gaze slowly moved over his rugged features, a sense of sweet familiarity settled in her heart. “You probably won’t believe this, but I was planning to drive out to the Silver Horn as soon as I left the building.”
Surprise widened his eyes. “To see me? Or Bart?”
There was no sarcasm in his voice and it was suddenly plain to Lilly that a change had taken place in him. But when or why it had come about, she could only wonder.
“I had to tell Bart goodbye this morning,” she explained. “It very nearly killed me.”
“Because you love him—like a grandfather,” he added with a gentle smile.
In spite of the waiting area being full of people, Lilly wanted to step forward and wrap her arms around him. She wanted to hold on to him and never let go. “So you’ve figured that out?”
His expression turned solemn. “That and a whole lot more.”
He offered her the flowers, an armload of red roses, white daisies and pink carnations. Lilly accepted them and as she hugged them to her breasts, tears began to roll down her cheeks.
“Lilly, we need to talk,” he said softly. “Is there somewhere quiet around here?”
Nodding, she placed a hand on his arm and urged him toward a wide wooden door that led into one of the hospital’s many chapels.
Inside the quiet sanctuary, the two of them took a seat together on one of the back pews. As soon as they were settled, Rafe used his finger to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
“Lilly, were you really planning to drive to the ranch to see me?”
He reached for both her hands and as his fingers folded tightly around hers, she realized that no matter how he felt about her, she would love him for the rest of her life.
Her eyes still wet with tears, she nodded. “Today I—well, I won’t go into everything that’s happened, but I’ll just say that my eyes are open now, Rafe. I love you. If that’s something—”
Before she could get the rest of the words out, he pulled her tightly against him. With his face buried in the silky curtain of her hair, he groaned with anguish. “Oh, Lilly, I thought I’d lost you and I didn’t know how I was going to go on.”
Tilting her head back, she gazed up at his anguished face. “I was expecting too much of you too soon, Rafe. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand that before now.”
“No, Lilly. I’m the one who should be down on my knees begging you for forgiveness,” he whispered ruefully. “You deserved so much more than I was willing to give you.”
Cradling his face with her palms, she said, “And you deserved a little more understanding from me. Tonight I was sickened to think that I’ve been behaving like my mother—demanding and thinking only about what I want rather than what you want and need. Can you forgive me for that, Rafe?”
His gray eyes were suddenly lit with a light so soft and gentle it nearly took her breath away.
“Oh, Lilly. Love. Marriage. Children. Instead of embracing the idea of having a family, the thought of those things always sent a chill right through me. My dad lost a child and t
hen his wife. I watched him grieve and change into a man I hardly knew. I watched our happy home turn into a dark place. And I swore that I’d never set up my heart to that sort of risk. From then on I jumped from one woman to the next, not giving myself a chance to care about any of them. Until I met you and suddenly I didn’t want to jump anymore. I tried not to think of you as my wife. I tried to tell myself I wouldn’t want you to have my babies. But deep down I knew I was fooling myself. And I hated myself for not having the courage to admit it to myself and to you.”
“Everything about life is a risk, Rafe. Especially if you want to live it to the fullest.”
“Lilly, my darling,” he whispered hoarsely. “I couldn’t see exactly what you meant to me until my father pried my eyes open. And I can tell you right now, it scared the hell out of me when it finally dawned on me exactly how much I love you.”
Joy and disbelief swept through her. “Love? Did I hear you right?”
His lips twisted to a wry slant. “Bet you never expected to hear that from me.”
“No. But down deep I never quit hoping. That’s what I was planning on telling you tonight. That no matter how long it took I wasn’t going to give up on you.”
He gently stroked a hand through her hair. “Such a patient woman,” he murmured. “I just hope you can put up with me for the rest of our lives.”
Still unsure of this new Rafe she was seeing, her misty gaze searched his face. “The rest of our lives? What about all those strings you were worried about?”
He brought his lips close to hers. “Rope me. Tie me. Marry me. That’s all I want.”
“Is that a proposal?”
To answer, he kissed her thoroughly, then pulled a small, velvet box from his shirt pocket.
“I picked this out in a hurry,” he admitted, as he flipped open the lid. “So if you’d rather have something else, you can change it.”
Her head reeling with indescribable joy, she stared at the large diamond encircled by smaller stones and a plain narrow band nestled beneath the engagement ring.
One Tall, Dusty Cowboy Page 18
