Most clutched their daughters’ arms and rushed them away with a huff of dissatisfaction. Still, he couldn’t find it in him to care. He broke up some of the old bread in the bottom of the basket and set it in Rosa’s hand. “Come on.” He pulled her up to her feet, and walked her to the edge of the Serpentine. “There are more than a handful of hungry swans.”
“How many?” she asked, as she tossed her handful of bread pieces in the water.
“Four and one fledgling still covered in grey down.”
That brought a smile to her face and it was the perfect end to their impromptu picnic.
Tossing her last handful of bread to the swans, she rubbed her arms. “We should head back before night falls, it’s cooling rather quickly.”
Once they gathered up their things, she let him take her arm and lead her back to their waiting carriage. With every step he took he felt like he was losing Rosa. Losing what they had. And for the life of him, he didn’t know how to hold on to it as she tore herself away from him bit by bit.
Had it not been obvious he was stalling in bringing her back to his home, he’d have had the carriage go around the block a few extra times. He watched her gather the items of her vanity into a small leather box. They’d long ago run out of things to talk about. So he asked her about her new lodgings. The place she was moving to was a two-storey cottage, with a modest garden and private grounds. She would be taking her three servants with her.
“It’ll be quiet, but no different than the house I grew up in as a child.”
“Is there another reason you won’t stay with me, Rosa?”
“I’ve given you my reasons.” She tossed her ivory combs into the bottom of her toiletries box. So he’d angered her by asking this question yet again. It was better to have her mad than indifferent.
“Your reasons are not good enough.”
“You’ll be a man strutting about town soon, strutting that glorious concerto, and you’ll have so many more to come. I’ll be in the way. You’ll see in a few days how much less you have to worry about without me underfoot.”
“I quite like having you around.”
She gave a short laugh that said otherwise. “You are a darling, de Burgh. The best companion I’ve been privileged to have.”
“Reducing me to the level of mere consort. What’s bothering you? You aren’t normally this short with me. And what of Johnson? He has yet to show his face, and I’ll constantly worry he’ll make another try for you.”
“He’ll not bother me. I believe you made it quite clear what would happen to him should he go against your wishes. Besides, I won’t be completely alone. Daniel will be joining me.”
“He won’t stay on indefinitely.”
“No, but now that he’s back in my life, we’ll see each other a lot more.”
Finished packing her toiletries, she closed the lid of the box and moved over to the wardrobe to remove her dresses. Her maid should be doing this. He thought perhaps she did it as an excuse to avoid him.
He sat on the edge of her bed and crossed his feet at the ankles. “You’re avoiding my original question.”
“Teddy. I’m afraid our affair has come to an end. I know no good way to do this when one person wishes to dissolve an association and not the other.”
He scrubbed his hand through his hair, frustrated by the whole situation. “Will I see you again?”
“I think it best we don’t see each other.”
“I thought we’d gotten on amicably enough these past weeks that you’d see what a great pair we are.”
She let out a heavy sigh. “I will always cherish the time I had with you. But this end was inescapable.”
He stood from the bed, and gathered her in his arms, giving her a tight hug.
“I’ll continue to fight for us.”
Pulling away, he put his hands on either side of her face and gazed into her hauntingly beautiful eyes. “The inevitable is us, Rosa. Not just you, or me. Us. I wish you’d admit that as the truth.”
“I can’t give you the things you need in the long run. It’s better to break this off before either of us is hurt in the process.”
“I’ll already be hurt if you do this.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that time eventually heals you.”
He said nothing for long minutes, just sat heavily on the sofa and put his head in his hands. “I see now that you don’t hold me in the same esteem I hold you.”
“Let us part as friends, Teddy.” Her shoulders slumped and there was no mistaking the regret in her tone.
“There can be no friendship after this. Don’t you see that you will destroy the very essence of our relationship by denying your feelings?”
“I can’t offer you more.”
He gave a bitter laugh as he stood. “Why do I doubt your words, then?”
He walked over to where she sat on the edge of her bed. She tilted her head up at his approach. Unshed tears clouded her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve ruined me for all others, Rosa.” Taking her chin in his hand, he brushed is lips over hers. “Do you know that?”
She shook her head, dislodging his grip.
He didn’t wait for a response; in fact, he doubted she would respond. This was, after all, what she wanted.
“Good-bye, Rosa.”
Turning on his heel, he walked away from the one person who meant everything to him. He turned his back on the woman he loved because she was too stubborn to let go of the prejudices she was sure would separate them.
Perhaps he was the blind one, seeing only what he wanted to instead of the truth. Surely if she loved him, she’d fight to stay with him.
WHEN THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND Teddy, she let fall the tears that had been a long time coming. This was harder than anything she’d had to do in her life. Walking away from the love they shared seemed far worse than losing Michael to the carriage accident and the miscarriage that had resulted. Leaving Teddy felt absolute.
To sum up her life, this was worse than cutting all her hair off to sell it to the wigmaker for a month’s worth of food. Worse than having to sell her companionship to avoid poverty and living in the filthy backstreets of London. She actually felt her heart breaking in her chest.
Walking away was the only way she could prove she loved him.
Her life had been destroyed after the accident, after she’d officially been ruined and the world, namely the ton, had found out about it. Without her, the world held infinite possibilities for Teddy. Without her, he would gain all the respect and fame he deserved. None of that would be possible with her by his side.
Teddy’s music meant the world to him. If he could not perform because he was rejected on her account, she’d never be able to live with herself.
Even though doing this hurt like hell, it was better for them both. She wouldn’t have to be humiliated and scrutinized by society, and Teddy was free to become the great composer he was destined to be. His music would live on eternally, and she was content knowing she’d helped set him on that path of immortality.
Gathering the rest of her dresses, she stacked them in a pile on the bed. Mary would pack them for her. All that was left for her to do was walk out the door. So why was she having so much difficulty doing that?
WINTER HAD FIRMLY SET IN, and she rubbed her hands together to stave off the chill that had settled in her bones on her morning walk around her new property with Mary. The gardens needed work, but Mary had committed to turning the soil with her. The house was larger than she’d expected, with two parlors and quaint kitchen with a sitting area to take meals and only three bedrooms on the second level, which allowed her to learn her way around quickly. She’d moved in a week ago, though it felt longer for not having talked to Teddy at all in that time.
She missed him.
On her return to the house, her brother met her. She hadn’t expected him to call on her so soon. Opening the door to the sitting parlor, she led her brother inside. It was har
d to smile and be happy when she’d been miserable since the day she’d left Teddy’s house. Teddy hadn’t even seen her off, but that was no one’s fault but her own.
She heard some rustling of material; perhaps Daniel stood on her entry. She walked toward him, arms outstretched. He grasped her hands and pulled her into the circle of his arms.
“You called more quickly than I imagined. Have you healed well? Does the doctor know you traveled all this way?”
“I told you I had every intention of coming as soon as I was up for the trip. And, yes, the doctor was very happy with my progress. I can almost take in a deep breath without feeling any lasting pain.”
She invited him to sit with her on the sofa. “Tea is being prepared. You must be chilled from your trip. Did you come all the way from Maidstone?” Which would have taken a full day on horse.
“No. I stopped over in London. I had to meet with someone.”
“Have you been gambling again?” she asked, feeling a frown weigh down her brows.
“I wasn’t gambling before I disappeared,” he said.
She stilled. “Does that mean you remember?”
“That’s why I had to come see you. Johnson did have something to do with the state I was in, but it wasn’t me he was trying to get to.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It was you he was after. Did he never make his intent clear?” her brother asked.
Of course Johnson had, he had to everyone present at the duke’s soiree, as well. And then it dawned on her that he hadn’t paid mind to her brother once that night, but had attacked her in the middle of the night. His only intention had been to hurt her.
Her mouth opened to say something before she closed it again, thinking about when Johnson’s manner had changed toward her. He had become more insistent that she be his mistress this past year, more insistent she spend time with him alone. All she’d done was avoid him as often as possible.
For the first time in years, she wanted to know exactly where Johnson was. It wouldn’t be difficult to find her if he put his mind to it.
“To hold a vendetta so long ...”
“I wouldn’t put it past him, Amy.”
She felt a chill skate through her whole body. “What if you aren’t safe,” she asked.
“I can look out for myself. I’m worried about you.”
She took a deep breath, which did nothing to calm the fear she felt “I can hire extra hands until we know where Johnson is.”
“I’m going back to London to search for him. The duke has availed me of any resource I require. I will find him.” There was a promise in his words that Rosa trusted implicitly.
Her brother took her hand. “Do you hate what you became, Rosa?”
“What do you mean?” Was he referring to her life now? Or what she’d done to have the life she now had?
“I mean, do you think so little of yourself that you’re willing to let go of something that seemed so right to everyone around you?”
“Did you see de Burgh when you were in London?”
“Briefly. He asked after you, wondering if I’d already been to see you.”
And she missed him more than she could put into words.
When she offered him no comment, he said, “I’ll leave that alone for now, since you’ve enough to worry about with Johnson unaccounted for. I came for another reason ... to discuss Father.”
The tea arrived, so she had time to think about what she would do with her father now that she could meet with him, if he was willing to see her. Though she wasn’t sure how she would face him after their lengthy time apart, and after all she’d done that he might find shameful.
“Do you remember how much Father loved our mother? After you left, he talked about her a lot. I think you reminded him of her.” Daniel cleared his throat. “What he did to you hurt him.”
“I want to believe that.”
“The Earl of Warwick was once in love with our mother.”
She poured out two cups of tea, passing one to her brother, then sitting back in the sofa with hers. “You believed that balderdash from our childhood?”
“I know it for the truth. How is it you never figured out why the earl hated what you and Michael had so much? Hated that Michael continually defied his own father to spend time with you?”
“I doubt the earl loved anyone aside from himself. He treated his wife with abysmal disdain until she finally died, which I think she did to be rid of him. He wasn’t much kinder to Michael.”
“Father told me the whole story after some coaxing and a bottle of whisky one late night.” Her brother laughed a little at the memory.
She blew steam away from her face and sipped the hot black tea. “Then tell me the tale.”
“The earl was stodgy, cruel, and just plain awful. He and Father grew up together, even went to school together. It’s very much a Shakespearian tragedy. Both were in love with Mother. It seemed Mother loved Father more. Do you see where this goes?”
“I do. But that was long before Michael and I chose to elope. Long before any of us were born.”
“Ah, yes, that brings me to the other secret you wouldn’t have been privy to, since you traveled so extensively. And when you were home, I was often at school. Can you think what the earl would have found out about me, that could be damaging to the heir to Father’s estate?”
“You don’t mean to tell me the earl thought you were a—” She couldn’t say it, because she wasn’t sure if that was the truth, though she had long assumed her brother preferred men to women.
“Molly. Yes, sister. You can say it. I was caught by the earl taking young Matthew Stoneleigh.” There was a pause. She assumed it was to give her time to digest this tidbit of news, which took longer than she expected because the saucer beneath her teacup rattled and she had to set it down on the table in front of them. “It’s a hanging offense you know; the earl made sure I understood that well enough.”
“Stoneleigh? You didn’t. He’s not—”
“No, he’s not. I just managed to convince him that all young men tried that sort of thing. I hated myself for a long time after that. He’s married and has four children, a fifth on the way last I heard.”
“Yet the earl never told anyone, did he?”
“He did not. His only condition on not breathing a word was that I had to keep you away from Michael and advise him of when I saw you alone together. A lot of good that did.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I doubt you would have understood my position, let alone my preference in bed partners. I daresay you’d not have taken it kindly back then.”
She frowned knowing he was right in that regard. “Time has changed my opinion on a lot of things.”
“And then after the accident, the earl was very clear about what he’d do to destroy our family if Father didn’t force you to leave. Warwick insisted you were the reason his son was dead. And, might I add, the earl wanted Father to humiliate you as he banished you from our family home. I was helpless to do anything to help when the earl reminded me often enough that I should hang for my vices.”
“You could have come to me in secret.” She folded her hands in her lap. Was it really fair to ask that of him, though? “After I was removed from the house, that is.”
“I couldn’t. Fear is a strange beast. I was afraid the earl would make good on his threats. I never imagined you’d seek paid companionship.”
“I’ll not deny that I chose this life in the end. Nor will I apologize for the patrons I’ve taken on over the years. But you should know it was my last choice.”
“I’m not asking you to apologize or justify your actions. You did what was necessary, and that’s a good enough reason for me.”
They were both silent, sipping their tea.
Her brother’s honesty touched her deeply and she wanted him to understand why she’d made the choices she’d made, even if he didn’t require an explanation. “After I lost Michael, I felt hop
eless. Like my heart had been torn from my chest. I had one love left after that.”
“Your music,” he said without hesitation.
“Yes. But no one would hire me after my fall from grace, you see. It’s a terrible position to be put in, a woman of means, of breeding, to suddenly have it stripped from me the moment the world believed I was some Delilah who’d seduced Warwick’s son and led him to his death.”
“I’m sorry you had to live through the rejection.”
“Don’t be. I think the hardest part of coming out of that dark time in my life was forgiving myself, understanding that I really had done nothing wrong. By society’s rules I might have gone too far, but when I thought of the love Michael and I shared, there was nothing more beautiful or pure than what we had.” She took a deep breath, and admitted what had always weighed heavily in her heart. “My only regret was that Michael died and not me. It would have saved a lot of pain in the end.”
“Rosa—” Daniel took the teacup and saucer from her hands and set it on the table. His grip was warm around her fingers, comforting and offered something she’d missed dreadfully since he’d been removed from her life.
“It’s been so long since I’ve talked about this.” She shook her head, and slid her hands away from his to wipe away the tears filling her eyes. “The world knew me as Amaryllis Rosalie Montgomery. I dropped my first name when I entered into the world as a courtesan. I think people forgot the great pianist I was and it’s as though that person never existed. I prefer it that way. So I ask you to keep my name to yourself. I don’t wish to relive those dark years of humiliation and degradation.”
Sharing this with him felt right. It was the start of healing their relationship after so many years apart.
“I have something for you.” She heard the rustle of his jacket, then the crinkle of paper. “Before Papa started to lose his memories, he wrote you a letter. I’ve been carrying it with me for nearly two years. He made me promise to get it to you. He didn’t want you to hate him.”
“A letter?” Her hands shook.
“Would you like me to read it to you?”
Tempted by You Page 20
