“Never would I wish such a thing.” She cupped his face in her hands. “I tried to steer you off this path when I left London.”
“Be my wife. A man can only be gutted so many times before he has to abandon hope.”
She threw her hands in the air, completely frustrated. “You are the heir to a dukedom and hold title of viscount, you cannot marry your mistress!”
“I can, and I will if you’ll say yes.” His hands framed her face, his thumbs caressing back and forth over her cheekbones.
“Do you realize what you will be doing to your family name? It will die with you, Teddy.”
“Now you are being overly dramatic. What gave you the impression we wouldn’t have children if we married?”
“I’m sorry to disappoint you. There really is no delicate way to say this so I’ll just say it. Did you never wonder why I didn’t worry that you might impregnate me? After the accident ... it doesn’t matter.” She shook her head. “I cannot have children.”
“Perhaps we will have to try harder.” There was humor in his tone.
Her lips trembled as she held back a good stock of tears. She had to bite her lower lip to keep it still. “It’s not so easy as that.”
“How can you be sure?” Skepticism laced his voice. She did not want him to think she was making excuses, but he deserved to know the truth. Well, perhaps she needed stronger reasoning to fend him off. She didn’t want to love him. She didn’t want to need him. She didn’t want to destroy his life as she had Michael’s.
“I told you about the accident that caused my blindness. It was a carriage accident. I was with child at the time.” She sucked in a breath of air, surprised she’d remained calm as she’d told him that. She hadn’t told anyone about the baby. The only people who’d known had been Papa and Mary. “I lost the babe and with it, the ability to have children.” She closed her eyes, feeling the hot flow of tears washing over her cheeks.
He did not hesitate in replying. “It doesn’t matter, Rosa. I love you just as you are.”
She clasped her hands around his, then stood on her toes to feather a light kiss across his mouth. She’d forever remember this moment. The smell of sweet pastries and the underlying scent of coffee on his breath even though she’d served him tea. She’d remember the smooth skin of his jaw, the dip in his chin, the crook of his once broken nose. The way he held her gently whenever she was in his arms, as though he was afraid she’d break.
And she was breaking right now, from the inside out.
He’d be a good husband. Caring. Kind. Loving. He’d be a good father, she was sure, but she’d not be the one to gift him with children. It took everything in her to turn away from him and walk over to the grate that covered the fire.
“I can’t,” she muttered, hating herself so much for not just giving in to what her heart wanted most.
The rasp of material told her he was straightening his jacket.
“I see.” His voice wavered as he spoke.
Did he hold back his emotions as she did? Most likely. This was not a decision she made lightly. She wished he’d never come here. Wished she’d never agreed to that harebrained idea of an arrangement. She wished she’d never opened her heart and allowed herself to love. It brought so much pain in the end.
“Teddy.” She shook her head, not sure what to say in the silence that descended upon the room. “I would destroy your life as you know it.”
His steps were soft on the carpet as he walked toward her. “You couldn’t possibly. You’ve destroyed my prospects with any other woman save you. The thought of being with someone else repulses me. How is it you’ve done this to me?”
“I’m sorry.” Those were the only words she could give him.
“I don’t want your apologies. You can give me exactly what I want, yet you hold back. You’ve given me a hundred reasons why we could never be together, but I know you’re merely afraid to live beyond your imaginings. You need to break through the hardness you’ve shelled yourself in. Whether or not it was done for a good cause, you are hiding yourself from me.”
“I hide, as you put it, because it’s necessary.”
“You still don’t see. It’s not necessary, not with me. You can put up a front for others, but you needn’t with me. I want every last part of you, be it good or bad. If we cannot have children, so be it. If society shuns us, I will still stand tall with you at my side. If I’m not willing to hide, why are you? I know you are made of sterner stuff. But right now, you’re nothing but a coward.”
“Do you know what the Earl of Warwick did after his son died? He wanted nothing more than to destroy my life as he said I had destroyed his. He made sure that everyone knew my part in his son’s demise. I was forced from my home by Papa because the earl would have it no other way.”
“I fail to see how this is your fault.”
“He was a powerful man and had the means to ruin my father if I wasn’t sent off. In fact, he ruined my father after I left, in spite.”
“Then it is your father’s own failing.”
“It wasn’t.” She wrapped her arms around her middle. “Our primary source of income was my touring and his teaching. He taught no one after that day. The earl poisoned everyone’s ears against my family.”
He gave a little tug at the curl above her ear as he wrapped it around his finger. “I fail to see why this means you cannot marry.”
“There are too many eyes and ears that know me, Teddy. I could never stand by your side without their scorn tearing at us both. They know me, and they know what I’ve done. They also know what I became.”
She liked to think she was a strong woman. In reality she wasn’t. There were very few things that mattered to her: Mary and her family, for obvious reasons, her music, and now Teddy. Her music had kept her sane over the long years of heartache and sadness, through all the months of despair and poverty. Teddy mattered because she couldn’t help but love him.
Had she not lost her sight in the accident, she would have gone on to Vienna alone to carve her own path. After the accident, that had been impossible. It took her so many months to learn to play as she now did. By that point, she’d already been thoroughly ruined and all doors had shut to her. All doors except to the wealthiest lords’ bedchambers, though she chose almost none of them.
She bit the inside of her cheeks, hoping the pain would help her say all she needed to say. “I desired to marry once in my life. I wanted to marry the man I loved with all my heart. And I would have gladly taken his place in the grave. I might as well have been buried with him for all the heartbreak I suffered after his death.”
“I’ll not begrudge you the love you had for him. But I know you feel something for me.” His fingers trailed over the tense line of her shoulder. She forced herself to relax, to prove his words wrong.
“I refuse your offer for the last time.”
Straightening behind her, his fingers fell away, and he remained silent for some minutes. They seemed frozen in time. The frantic thud of her heart ceased in her ears, to be replaced by the crackle of the fire. It was the last tangible thing she could grasp, with the surreal feelings washing over her. It was the only constant moving sound to tell her time did not stand still.
It was a familiar feeling. It had happened twice before. Once when she realized Michael was dead, then again when her body had rejected the baby that died in her womb. This was the sound her heart made as it broke inside her chest, and this time she didn’t think the pieces could be mended. Not with all the time in the world.
“I’m going to walk out this door, Rosa. If you change your mind, you know where to find me. If not ...” The warmth of his hand spread across the back of her neck. As always, his touch was light, fleeting, but she would not call it back once he released her.
Warm lips replaced his hand. She pressed her clenched fists tight against the mantel to keep from leaning back into him. To keep from turning around, throwing her arms around his neck, and begging him to stay. Then hi
s lips were gone and cold air washed over her flesh like the caress of a phantom lover.
She closed her eyes and counted the seconds until the door closed.
When she was sure he was gone, she crumpled to the floor and cried. Silently, for she wanted no one to hear her. And more importantly, she did not want the sound of her sobs to call Teddy back. She wanted no comfort, for she did not deserve it.
“ROSA,” DANIEL WHISPERED IN HER ear as she ducked her head through the carriage door. “You absolutely glow this evening.”
She stretched out her hand for her brother to take. When she cleared the last step, he tucked her arm in his. “Thank you, Daniel. I’m sure you are a handsome devil yourself. You don’t worry people will know our connection when they see us together?”
She had been nervous about that very thing all evening. Among other things of course. Foremost in her thoughts had been the words she’d rehearsed over and over in her mind, to be said once she was with Teddy again. Another week had passed since she’d spent time with him ... a week since he had left her crumpled in a heap of satin on her parlor floor. Not that her state had progressed much over the week. She felt herself being dragged down into some pit of despair, and she refused to let it take her.
No matter how she argued, she knew he was right. She was a coward. And she knew what she had to do.
She was done with self-pity. If a man who professed to love her would stand strong at her side, how could she do any less for him? What kind of person would it make her to shun one of the most beautiful things life had given her?
“Do you think I care what anyone thinks, Rosa?”
She smiled and felt a little more at ease. “Is Nathan meeting us inside?”
“I assume he’s already here waiting for us. Did I tell you we have the best seats in the house, and that we’ll be seated in the front row?”
Her brother couldn’t possibly know how much this concerto meant to her. “You’ve only told me three times, but yes, and I couldn’t be happier to be here.”
She wasn’t sure Teddy’s invitation to attend still stood after the way she had treated him, and was glad her brother had asked her to come at all. She was so ashamed of her actions and with the way she’d ended things with Teddy. Pulling the cashmere shawl higher around her shoulders, she listened as her brother counted out steps and maneuvered her through the other attendees.
“Smile, Rosa. People are watching us, wondering who the ravishing woman on my arm is.”
She lifted her head regally. Mary had spent two hours curling her hair and weaving pearls through the high chignon she’d styled it into. Her dress was the finest one she owned, a slip of ivory satin that spoke of riches. Whispers started up around them, but she couldn’t tell if they were directed at her.
Then she thought, why should she care if someone recognized her? If she was going to put the past behind her, she had to stop worrying about anything and everything that was out of her control.
“They say this room seats six hundred,” her brother mused. Did he notice her thoughts wandering? “But I swear there are at least eight hundred in attendance.”
“That many.” Pride for Teddy’s accomplishment filled her heart. “I wish I could see it with my own eyes.”
“I wish you could, too, love,” came a new voice.
Rosa smiled and ducked her head in greeting. “Good afternoon to you, too, Duke.” She’d never dare address him by his first name in a public setting. There were too many ears for such forwardness.
“How was your trip to London?” he asked conversationally of them both.
“Uneventful,” Daniel answered.
“I’m sure the performance will more than make up for it.”
“I know it will,” Rosa said.
“Now, don’t tease us, Miss Montgomery,” the duke said, taking her arm. “You have already had a chance to hear it and you’re bound to make a few people jealous.”
She smiled brightly. “But never in its entirety. This afternoon’s performance will be my first time truly hearing it.”
Time went in a whirlwind after that. They partook of refreshments before making their way into the room. Teddy hadn’t come to see them yet, but she assumed he was making last-minute arrangements for the big opening. She felt herself growing more and more nervous the longer she was here.
Her seat was on the end of the first row aisle and her brother’s seat was next to her but the familiar scent of amber and bayberry greeted her senses.
“You look the perfect angel, Rosa.” He sat in the vacant chair to her left. “The pearl drops in your hair reflect of the ivory of your gown in such a way that they look like fresh dewdrops.”
“Teddy,” she whispered, and put her hand to her throat, at a loss for words as her heart thundered like the pounding hooves of wild horses in her chest.
“You’re the very image of Venus stepping out of her clamshell.”
She turned to him, hating so much that she couldn’t see his expression and his body language to determine his mood. All she had to go by was the tone of his voice, which said he was in good humor. There were a million things she needed to say to him, but how could she do that in a room full of spectators?
She settled on, “I’ve missed you.”
She heard the intake of his breath just as his hand wrapped around one of hers. “I wasn’t sure that you would come.”
She curled her hand around his, entwining their fingers. “Words can’t express how I feel right now, but know that I’m so proud of what you’ve done. There is nothing in this world that could have stopped me from hearing this performance.”
Teddy was silent for a couple of minutes. “I made some minor changes to the concerto, but I think you’ll love it all the same. The way the sound rings off the walls and fills this place makes one want to weep.”
His thumb moved back and forth over the side of her gloved hand.
“What you’ve created has a magic about it that captivates the listener. I have great faith in this music. Great faith in you.” She turned her head down, not sure what else to say. She’d rehearsed her apology so many times that none of those words felt adequate right now.
“The ushers are dimming the gaslights around us, which means I have to get back to the stage. I’ll find you at the intermission. We have so much to talk about, Rosa.”
Before she could utter another word, he was gone. Her brother took his seat next to her. “Did you make up?”
“Daniel,” she admonished, hoping to hush him. “They’re about to start.”
“The speaker is just making his way to the stage,” Daniel said.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It is my great pleasure to be here with you on the opening night of my dear friend, Thaddeus de Burgh’s newest compositions. If you’ll open your programme, the first piece tonight is de Burgh’s newest concerto, Sempre Fuoco, con Rosa, followed by a new sonata. After the intermission we’ll have a selection from Haydn’s Symphony No. 85, La Reine.”
A gasp escaped her, she couldn’t help it, and tears prickled at her eyes. He’d named his concerto after her. It translated roughly to “ever with spirit and fire.” Was that how he saw her? No, she was reading too much into the title, which had everything to do with the tempo of the piece. As the piece opened with a cantabile melodia, the audience grew silent in captivation.
The piano solo started soft and beautiful before it built into something grander, louder, so full of life that she swore she could feel the story it was telling. He’d found a pianist who truly understood the emotion and passion needed to play the piece. When the piano solo ended, the strings and brass took over with a big bang. It was glorious, and she didn’t care that a tear or two had escaped as each movement was more intense than the last.
The applause grew around her at the closing of the concerto and chairs squeaked across the floor as people stood for Teddy, she among them. As Teddy spoke, his voice strong and clear, it shushed the stragglers who still clapped. She
had always been right; Teddy would be the man he was always meant to be with this piece, a great composer revered by all.
“This next piece is very special to me. And while I cannot take credit for its creation, the beauty of this piece is sure to move you all. You won’t find it in your programme, as I wanted this piece to be a highlight this late afternoon and for it to be a surprise for someone in this very audience.”
Whispers of speculation rose up all around her. She felt her face heat as she wondered if everyone stared at her. Rosa’s throat grew dry, and she opened her mouth to say something, but what? He hadn’t? Couldn’t? Would he?
“Allow me to present a Sonata for Piano in C-sharp Minor, though you shouldn’t let the simple title fool you, its complexity is not only beautiful but also awe-inspiring.”
Her hands clutched the arms of the chair and the breath halted in her lungs at the same moment Teddy’s baton clapped against the podium and the piano came to life.
Rosa closed her eyes as a fresh deluge of tears threatened to fall. To hear her own music on the stage again filled the splinters in her heart little by little. How had she ever walked away from Teddy? How could she deny the love she harbored and unsuccessfully tried to hide?
“What do you think?” her brother whispered in her ear, probably seeing how moved she was by the performance.
Did he know it was hers? Had he been in on the secret? Had Nathan? It wouldn’t matter, she still would feel the way she felt.
“It’s beyond words,” she whispered afraid to be heard. She bowed her head, wanting to hide her tears as so many different emotions bombarded her.
As the music drew to an end, her heart felt like it was soaring so high she wanted nothing more than to run into Teddy’s arms. Voices grew in volume all around the room. She waited quietly in her seat, hoping Teddy would come to her, but knowing he wouldn’t be able to do so right away. So many people would want to congratulate him on his success. Talk to him about the genius of his composition to ask him who had written the sonata.
Tempted by You Page 22
