by Lucy Vine
‘I think it’s more than just her body changing,’ I say quietly. ‘It’s about her whole life changing. I think she’s afraid of things changing with you as well, Jeremy.’
He is silent and I think he might be crying again. ‘I love her so much, Alice, I am so in love with her. You know that, don’t you?’
And suddenly I do. I really do. Of course he loves her, and of course she loves him. Truly, madly, deeply. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to fully understand that. I’ve been dismissing Jeremy as a time-killer boyfriend – as another boring, faceless man passing through our lives – but he’s much more than that. Eva’s not settling just because she’s thirty. She hasn’t chosen Jeremy just because he came along at the right time, or for any other mean-spirited reason I decided because I was jealous. She adores him. From the moment they met, they’ve made each other happy. I’m a stupid moron, a jealous cow. It’s as simple as that. I had Eva all to myself before, and then I didn’t any more, and I was a petty, spiteful little witch wanting things to go back to how they were before. It’s pathetic and I am so, so ashamed of myself.
I sigh, feeling wretched. ‘Jeremy, of course I know that, and I’m sorry if I’ve ever been less than welcoming to you. I know Eva loves you, too. I think she’s just going through a thing right now.’ I pause. ‘I really hope you two can work it out. I mean that. But I promise I’ll look after her while she’s out here, I really will.’
There is another long silence on the phone, but this one is like a long-distance hug. An entente cordiale down the phone, after so many months of awkward civility.
‘I’ll tell her you called,’ I say simply at last.
‘Thank you, Alice,’ he replies and we stay on the line a few more seconds before hanging up.
26
AWOL.COM/Alice Edwards’ Travel Blog
1 July – 10.23 a.m.
Too much fun to post properly. Just know that me, Eva and Clara are about to be trapped on a boat together for two days. Taking bets on who goes overboard first?
Axx
6 Comments · 132 AWOLs · 124 Super Likes
COMMENTS:
Hollie Baker
| Oh noooo! Please don’t fall in! Lol!!
Kirpa Saul
| Put me down for a tenner on a three-way tie.
Sarah Sommers
Replying to Kirpa Saul
| Lol, three-way tie sounds hot.
Ayo Damiunse
| You. For sure.
Karen Gill
| Finally we’re going to get a death out of this trip. Took you long enough. Mammy says she’ll chip in for a wreath.
Alice Edwards
Replying to Karen Gill
| That is so very generous, please tell her thank you.
‘Do you think they have alcohol around here somewhere?’ Clara stage-whispers, leaning heavily across the laps of a frightened-looking family of tourists wearing large, shapeless anoraks.
I look around the small boat at the twenty or so other passengers – none of them drinking – and shrug.
‘Surely they do!’ Eva says enthusiastically from four seats down.
I give her a thumbs up and she adds anxiously, ‘Do you think I’d be allowed a sip of a Mai Tai?’
We were a bit late arriving at the dock this morning for our two-day trip along the Mekong river. We only just made it on board before it set sail, and so the three of us had to grab three separate seats only vaguely near each other.
A youngish boy in his late teens pipes up in a Polish accent from our right. ‘They do have drinks for sale here, but I do not think they have got a cocktail. And there definitely will not be any fancy Mai Tai cocktails.’ He sniggers and Eva blushes as Clara leaps up.
‘Great news. I’ll go find the bar,’ she squeals, disappearing off towards the other side of the boat. She treads on the teen boy’s foot on her way past, and he winces. I wonder if it was an accident or payback for mocking Eva.
Clara returns with two plastic cups of very yellow wine, and one coke, handing the last to Eva with a sympathetic look on her face. The wine is bound to be disgusting, but better than not drinking on a boat ride, right? I know it’s not actually a booze cruise, but still, the beauty of nature is that much more beautiful viewed from the other side of a large yellow wine.
Apparently unfazed by the foot stomping, the teen boy reaches out to shake Clara’s hand as she sits. ‘I’m Jan, and this is Jakub,’ he says, gesturing at another sullen-looking teenager on his right, who does not look up from his phone.
Oh huzzah, we’re interacting! I’m really into interacting with strangers these days, even if these strangers happen to be rude teen boys. And I am fascinated by the eclectic group on board this slow boat. We’re all going to spend two days together – stopping halfway up the Mekong river to stay at a hotel overnight – and I’m dying to get everyone’s life story. I love a life story.
‘Hello Jan,’ she says enthusiastically. ‘I am Clara, that is Alice, and the pregnant one over there is Eva.’ Eva looks a bit put out by the dismissive description. We’ve only been together a few days out here, but already I’ve noticed how much you become only One Thing to people when you are pregnant. It’s all anyone’s talked to her about. It’s truly strange. People touch her without permission and give her unsolicited advice about breastfeeding. She’s already been told off multiple times by strangers for travelling abroad in her ‘condition’. She has to keep explaining that her doctor said it was fine. It’s been a bit tortured and I can really, totally see why she’s having a life crisis and wanted to escape. But when it’s your literal stomach causing the issue, it is a little bit impossible to get away.
I wave over at Jan and Jakub, adding, ‘Nice to meet you! Where are you lads from?’
‘Warsaw,’ Jan says, ‘but we are moving to Spain soon, where all the sexy ladies live.’
I choose not to take offence at this and continue, ‘Oh, how very exciting for you. Are you at school at the moment?’
He shakes his head, irritated. ‘We have left school – we are eighteen years old – and we are now training to be body builders. We are going to be big men. Then we move to Spain.’
I try not to react. Jan is very small and thin. I have not come into much close contact with body builders but he doesn’t strike me as the right . . . shape.
The silence has gone on too long and he continues a little defensively. ‘I am currently on the GOMAD protocol. I will soon be twice the size of this.’
‘Um, what is the GOMAD protocol?’ Eva says politely, looking alarmed.
‘It is milk,’ he says, looking at her like she is stupid. ‘You drink a gallon of milk every day.’
‘Are you serious?’ I say before I can stop myself. ‘A gallon of milk?’
He nods self-importantly. ‘Everyone on the internet is doing it, you look it up. It is tricky because I am lactose intolerant but it will be worth it when I am big and all the sexy girls are sexing me.’
‘You are lactose intolerant but you drink a gallon of milk every day?’ I say slowly, trying not to let the incredulity too much into my voice.
He nods again. ‘Yes, this is right. So I am spending a lot of time on the toilet, but yes, worth it.’
Cor.
Imagine being so obsessed with your weight that you’ll voluntarily spend all day, every day, on the loo, liquid pouring out of your bum.
Wow. This man knows what it’s like to be a woman.
I mean, I don’t care that much about my weight – definitely not GOMAD levels – but I’d be lying if I said the messaging doesn’t get to me on some level. More so in my teens and early twenties, for sure. But no lie, I think every woman out there has had, like, at least a low-key eating disorder at some point in her life.
Actually, I thought being out here travelling around strangers on be
aches would bring that fear out in me more, but actually it’s had the opposite effect. Having my fleshy, dimply body out on display as often as possible has made me care less. You get used to the sight of yourself, don’t you? Your body normalises in your eyes, because you can’t spend all your time hating on yourself. Not all your time. It’s too tiring, and there are too many other things around to distract you from the self-loathing. You put it out there enough and you realise people don’t really care. Your previously hated body becomes fine at long last, and that is such a joy and such a relief. And then maybe – after your shape normalises in your brain – maybe you even start to like it. Then – a long time after that – maybe, just maybe, you reach a point where you stop feeling ashamed – stop thinking that you are wrong and disgusting – for seeing your body as quite nice. It’s a process. I’m working towards it.
I hope poor old Jan will get there one day, too.
‘That does not sound healthy,’ Clara says loudly and Jan shrugs.
‘It will be worth it,’ he says again. ‘When I am drowning in the pussy.’
‘Garfield,’ Clara mutters and we make eye contact.
The frightened family sitting between us clear their throat.
‘Shall we move up so you can all sit together?’ says the dad and we ignore the blatant irritation in his voice as we nod happily and shuffle around.
‘Come on Eva!’ I say loudly, gesturing at her to come join us, which she does sheepishly, apologising to the group who have to move up on her side.
‘Thanks everyone!’ I say grinning and they smile begrudgingly back.
In the mess of seating rearrangement, Jan has managed to position himself between me and Clara, and he now turns his back on me to trap my young friend into conversation.
I catch her eye over his thin shoulders to ask – with my eyebrows – if she needs help. To my surprise she winks back at me, smiling coyly.
She fancies him! Gross. So I guess the foot stomping was flirting! How bizarre. But good for the pair of them, I suppose?
I turn my attention back to Eva, who is sipping her Coke and looking a little glum.
‘Are you OK?’ I say gently, and she nods a little too vigorously, smiling.
She has been uncharacteristically quiet since she got out here. Not surprising, of course, with everything that’s going on back at home, but I am still very worried. When I’ve tried to get her to talk about Jeremy, she’s brushed me off, saying she doesn’t want to spoil our lovely holiday. Jeremy has tried to ring many more times since that first day, and I’ve tried to encourage her to answer, but as far as I know, she has not. Nor has she called him back. But now she’s trapped with me on a boat for another four hours and it’s enough now. I need to talk to her.
‘Eva,’ I say softly and I slip my arm around her back. She leans into me, and I feel her sag a little on my shoulder.
‘Listen, my darling wonderful Eva,’ I say in a clear but low voice. ‘I’m going to make a little speech now, and you don’t have to say anything, but I want you to listen.’ Her breathing stills against me.
‘Eva,’ I begin. ‘I know you are struggling. I know you are worried and more scared than you’ve ever been in your life. I know you are, and it only makes you human, so I want you to know it’s OK that you feel that way. But I also want you to know that you are not on your own. I swear you’re not. I haven’t been a good friend to you recently – or maybe ever – but I will be. I want to be. And I am going to help you as much as you want or need when our little girl comes along.’ I feel the breath catch in her throat on the word girl. I keep going. ‘But I need you to start talking, Eva. I need you to start asking. You need to tell me when you’re feeling afraid, and when you want me to be there. Because I will do everything I can to be there for you, like you’ve always been there for me. I love you so much, my friend, and so will your child. I promise you, Eva, you’re going to be the most wonderful mummy ever, and this kid is going to be the luckiest little thing in the universe to have you. It’s going to love you so damned much. I know it’s scary, but I swear to you, you’re going to be brilliant.’
She doesn’t say anything, but I can feel she is crying quietly. I clear my throat.
‘And, Eva, I know you’re scared of sharing yourself this much with Jeremy, but you need to start talking to him, as well. He is not a mind reader, so you need to tell him what you need and what you’re feeling. He is a lovely, kind, sweet person, and he will listen. Kindness is a more important personality trait than almost anything, and it’s really rare, Eva.’ I pause. ‘He wants to make you happy, I know he does. And he also loves you something crazy. I honestly don’t think anyone has ever loved anything or anyone like Jeremy loves you. And, Eva, I think you feel the same. You’re just hiding your head in the sand, like you do sometimes, because you’re scared. It’s understandable, but it’s time to stop hiding away, please, my lovely, lovely Eva.’
There is a long silence while she sobs quietly into my neck.
She speaks at last, in a cracked voice. ‘Oh, Alice.’ She pulls a tissue from her pocket and wipes her nose before adding, half laughing, ‘You know, it’s funny, I didn’t think you really liked Jeremy very much.’
‘What?’ I say, outraged. ‘Of course I do! I adore him. He’s brilliant and sexy. When you are fifty and can’t stand each other, I plan on having an affair with him, Eva.’
She giggles. ‘That would be fine, but I genuinely don’t think I will ever not be able to stand him. I love him so much,’ she says. ‘But maybe we could have a group affair?’
‘That sounds agreeable to me,’ I say blithely.
She takes a deep breath and I feel her heat on my shoulder as she wipes the last remaining tears from her eyes.
‘Thank you, Alice,’ she says quietly, adding in a dramatic voice, ‘You are the wind beneath my wings.’
‘I’m fucking what?’ I shout and she bends forward, laughing.
‘I love you,’ she says simply, warmly, and looks up at me at last. Her eyes are red and shiny, but she looks happy. She looks content and calm. For the first time in days, she looks like she is OK. I know she’ll be OK. She has Jeremy and she has me, and soon we’ll all have a little extra person, too. We are all going to be OK.
27
AWOL.COM/Alice Edwards’ Travel Blog
2 July – 8.58 a.m.
HIYA,
About to get back on a boat with the world’s worst hangover. Is there a classy way of throwing up over the side of the boat, do you think? If anyone is near the Golden Triangle, please bring me wet wipes.
Love,
Axx
8 Comments · 142 AWOLs · 167 Super Likes
COMMENTS:
Hannah Edwards
| It might be satellite signals making u ill. They use them to track ur movements x
Seamus NaughtyLad678
| fuckin gumpa baboon
AWOL MODERATOR
Replying to Seamus NaughtyLad678
| THAT IS IT. I AM FUCKING DONE. I’M NOT DOING THIS ANY MORE. I’M SO SICK OF IT.
Seamus NaughtyLad678
Replying to AWOL MODERATOR
| alrite luke chill out mate
Isabelle Moore
| I have wet wipes!
Ethan Winkleman
Replying to Isabelle Moore and Alice Edwards
| Actually I used the last of them up last night ;)
Isabelle Moore
Replying to Ethan Winkleman and Alice Edwards
| What?! But I was so careful not to spill a drop ;)
Alice Edwards
Replying to Ethan Winkleman and Isabelle Moore
| I have now vomited on my phone, thanks a lot, you two.
We are all a bit crumpled and tired as we file back on board our boat for the second day of exploring the Golden Triangle along the ri
ver.
My hangover is colossal but I have to admit, it was a great night. We got to the hotel in the early evening, after a day on the water. It was up a hill, and we were a bit drunk, so there was a lot of pushing each other up and falling over giggling.
After checking into the hotel, there was this amazing ceremony outside, where a bunch of local kids performed a traditional dance for tourist tips. We sat in a circle watching them, and staring up at the sky contemplating our existence.
Like, what does anything matter, really? Why do we get so bogged down and bothered about the small boring Life Things like paying bills and bleeding radiators, when this kind of magic exists in the world? Not that I’ve ever bled a radiator in my life – is that still a thing adults are meant to do?
Afterwards, Clara said she was going off with Jan, so I insisted on seeing his passport to check he was definitely actually eighteen. I didn’t want any statutory things interrupting my trip. Or y’know, young people being exploited or whatever. As soon as they’d gone, Eva excused herself to call Jeremy. We were sharing a room and I could tell she needed space to talk things through properly, so I stayed in the bar downstairs. Luckily, there was a massive group of Canadians in there, all on a stag do and they invited me to join them. So I latched onto them and had a great night losing at foreign drinking games. It was fun.
Less so this morning, which has been a hard, hungover slog.
Eva was asleep by the time I finally got up to bed, and I haven’t had a proper chat with her yet this morning – but I suspect the conversation with Jeremy went well. I’m guessing there was huge amounts of happy crying because her eyes are swollen to fuck. She is glowing with joy and I’d hazard a guess that they’re back together and all is right in the world.
