Are We Nearly There Yet

by Lucy Vine

  The thing is, if you’re genuinely in a happy rut, that’s great – stay there! Why not! But I wasn’t. I was in a self-hating, miserable rut. Travelling took me outside of myself and let me see how shut down I’ve been – to people and to possibilities. And OK, fine, I have some abandonment issues thanks to a vaguely complicated childhood, but who hasn’t had something in their lives to be sad about? At some point? Everyone has something! I don’t need to spend my whole life carrying all that around with me. I don’t need to use it as an excuse to push good people away or bash them over the head. And I definitely shouldn’t use my childhood as an excuse to chase after awful men who don’t care about me.

  I think we all have a tendency to let the wrong people into our lives at vulnerable moments, and then we get too tired and worn down to remove them.

  But I’m done with all that.

  I can’t stop thinking about my thirtieth birthday party, where I was so angry with everyone. So angry with the world for moving on around me and without me. But I wasn’t prepared to move on myself. I stomped around that party – where a lot of kind people had given up their time and money to come along – acting like I deserved better. I behaved so badly. I was a moody bitch for no reason and it’s a wonder I have any friends left – never mind ones as wonderful as Eva, Joe and Mark. I’m deeply ashamed.

  I had a re-read of that drunken note I wrote to myself on my phone late that night, where I was moaning incomprehensibly and shouting at Future Alice about things she had to do. I thought I was being so wise and clever, but re-reading it now, I can see it’s utterly stupid drivel. And there was also a bit at the bottom I’d missed the first time I’d read it, when I was all hungover and in denial.

  ‘Nobody fucken cares about u alice NO ONE and u hav to lok out for urSELf. TD is a dik but he is prob the only 1 who GETS u, proly going to end up together. he understas u, he noes the real u and likes you anyway. Despite wat a shitty perso u r.

  soulmate????

  This was ur 30ieth and everythin iz ging to be different now. u r differnt and u have yo make ur own way now. fuk evry1 else u don’t need them.’

  It makes me so embarrassed to read it back now. Because of course people care about me. They’d tried so hard to show me that, and I’d thrown it back in their faces. The ridiculous part is that the only person who truly didn’t care about me back then was TD.

  But this is what happens when you’re unhappy. Things get distorted around you. Things get out of perspective and you project that unhappiness on other people. I thought I was being treated badly because I was sad. I tried to force people around me to be what I wanted them to be – to stop moving on without me – and that was wrong. You can’t make people into anything. They just are who they are. Like with Constance Beaumont – or, sorry, Janet Janet Morris – it’s not her fault she isn’t what I had decided in my head that she was. It’s not her fault everyone needs her to be this perfect glossy thing with a perfect life and perfect green eyes. I can’t be disappointed when people are not what I have created out of thin air.

  Ultimately, you have to figure out how to be happy for yourself because you can’t expect other people to create the happy for you. What I’ve realised in the last few months is that happiness comes and goes. No one is happy all the time. And that’s fine. Life is about feeling all of it and enjoying the journey. It’s what Terry the coach driver said – instead of always chasing what’s next, I need to learn how to make the most of what was happening around me.

  And smile more.

  My phone buzzes and I look down to see Eva is trying to FaceTime me. It’s too loud in here, but I want to talk to my lovely best friend. I want to make time for her.

  I wave my phone at my family and run outside to answer.

  ‘Hello you,’ I say at her beautiful smiling face.

  ‘Aah, Alice, I miss you,’ she says, skipping the greeting.

  ‘Me too,’ I grin affectionately. ‘How are things back home with Jeremy and the bump?’

  ‘Really good,’ she says, beaming contentedly. ‘I promise I’m talking to him properly about everything, like you told me to. He’s so kind, I was silly to think he couldn’t handle hearing what I was worried about. I’m still scared, but I think we’re going to be OK.’

  ‘I’m so glad, Eva!’ I say, smiling widely. ‘I can’t believe you’ll soon be a mum! It’s so amazing that you’re making a person in there.’

  She nods. ‘I know, it’s so clever.’

  ‘And only a tiny bit like the plot of Alien,’ I add and she giggles.

  My phone beeps and a message drops down on the screen.

  ‘It’s Isy,’ I tell Eva, tapping on it.

  ‘Is she OK?’ she asks and I grimace. ‘I had a chat with her last night, and she’s ended things with Ethan, that wanker producer. He tried to get her to have a threesome, and she was almost insecure enough to do it. She backed out at the last minute, thank God, but of course he was shitty about it and said he was going to find someone else to make up the third. So she dumped him.’

  Eva makes a sympathetic face. ‘Poor thing, I know she liked him a lot.’

  ‘She did,’ I agree, ‘but she got an advert out of it, which paid her big bucks and she said she’s already had some auditions off the back of that project. I reckon she’s going to move more into telly and commercial stuff now. She says she’s proved herself in the theatre world and this is a new and important challenge for her art.’

  We both stifle a giggle. Typical Isy.

  ‘Anyway, I’m sad she is sad,’ I say, pulling myself up because I am the new, kinder Alice Edwards. ‘But I was trying to tell her about the joys of being single and then she made some random murmur-y noises, before confessing that she’s been spending a lot of time with my AirBnB host-pal, Patrick.’

  Eva throws her head back and laughs.

  ‘Good for her!’ she says, wiping her eyes.

  ‘I know right!’ I say, laughing too. ‘I’m happy for them both, they’d make beautiful babies.’

  We smile at each other and she grins. ‘I am so excited you’re coming home soon, Alice.’

  I make a face I don’t really mean and she adds, ‘Aw, sorry. I guess you must be really bummed about coming back here to this grey British summer and real life. Have you got the travelling bug now? Will you be off on another adventure immediately?’

  I make a face like I’m considering it but I already know the answer.

  ‘No,’ I say, shaking my head and laughing. ‘I’ve had such an amazing time these last few months, and I’m going to enjoy this last bit as much as I can, but I’ve realised I’m definitely not a traveller at heart. I miss expensive shoes and my GHDs. I miss home-cooked junk food, and deciding what temperature to have the thermostat on, y’know? I like being at home – wherever that will be next – and I’m excited to just lie in bed watching Netflix for a week without feeling guilty about wasting the sunshine. And oh my God I miss having a Boots nearby.’

  She laughs. ‘Really?! I thought you were having the time of your life.’

  ‘Oh, I have had an incredible time,’ I say quickly. ‘And I’ve learnt so much and figured so much stuff out. But I don’t think it was necessarily the travelling that did that. It’s more about the people I met. I think people are what make up the fun parts of life and experiences. And the thing is, I wasn’t really going away to travel and see the world, was I? I left to escape because I thought I had a shitty life that wasn’t worth sticking around for. I went away to avoid living my life because I felt sorry for myself. But there is so much to be at home for and so much I can do and see back there.’

  She breaks into a grin, looking down at her belly, and I laugh. ‘Yes, indeed, becoming an honorary auntie is definitely one of them,’ I confirm, pausing then before I continue. ‘I still want to take trips and go on wonderful holidays in the future, but I think probably just a week
or two in Tenerife-type adventures. I don’t need to do any more faux self-discovery stuff really. Don’t get me wrong, I do like beaches and joy. I like the joy of seeing things, the joy of meeting people, the joy of showing off about it online because why not. But I can do that in smaller ways.’

  Eva giggles.

  ‘I’m excited about what’s going to come next,’ I say, ‘because I have no idea what it is. But whatever it is, I do think I’m going to be OK.’

  She smiles at that. ‘You know, Alice? I think you are, too.’

  ***

  from: Hannahtruthseeker@protonmail.com

  to: Hannah Edwards

  cc: Hannah Edwards

  date: 15 August at 10.15

  subject: JUNE/JULY FAMILY NEWSLETTER: TOP SECRET

  mailed-by: ProtonMail

  EDWARDS FAMILY NEWSLETTER/JUNE/JULY RECAP

  Good afternoon, all.

  Hannah here. This month I identify myself with another new code word to prevent government forgery and hacking into my newsletters.

  SULTANA

  Firstly, apologies for the lack of newsletter last month. I know many of you were concerned I had finally been tracked down by the ‘man’. But it’s fine, it has just been a very eventful time. We have had my sister staying with us for the whole month here in Sydney. Alice is now back on the mailing list by request, but do not concern yourself, because she has been vetted and briefed about all safety precautions.

  We have had a lovely time as a family these past few weeks. We did some sight-seeing around Sydney, and visited the Blue Mountains where we did yoga. We travelled up the east coast to Cairns, where we learnt to scuba dive and went on a boat trip. For those worried, I can confirm there are no Earth edges next to Australia. But I will continue to investigate this subject and report back.

  Alice has now returned to the UK, where she is planning on renting a flat on her own in London!!!! I have asked her to check in with me twice a day so she doesn’t fall through the cracks of the system, and she’s promised it is near her best friend Eva Slate so she can babysit.

  I have also added another name to the mailing list: Joe Downe, who is Mark’s boyfriend. We met Joe in Sydney and he came with us to see the Great Barrier Reef. I have had many great conversations with him about the moon landing and how Stevie Wonder can actually secretly see. He is very funny and nice. We are glad he is part of the family.

  Speaking of AWOL, my first few months infiltrating the blogging network has been a success. I am keeping an eye on the government there, and giving them no information. Please follow me because I only have six followers right now.

  In other family news:

  -Uncle Ned has had his gastric bypass this week. The surgery went well but he would appreciate you all not sending so many boxes of chocolates as a gift because he cannot eat them.

  -Little Jemima finally got her first period two weeks ago, and even though she asked me not to say anything, I will just say: we are all so proud of you kiddo, and welcome to womanhood. But everyone else? Please do stop sending bras. Especially you, Aunt Mildred, because Jemima is nowhere near a 48GG.

  -Cousin Leon’s dog, Gertie, has now had the snip, and is no longer humping people, so he would like me to pass along that people can come visit again, if they’d like. Although FYI Leon’s budgie is still attacking people who get too close.

  -Mum would also like me to pass along her thanks to everyone for all their support this year. It has been a difficult one in many ways, but positive in others. Steven is coming home this week and has already regained some of his speech. Doctors are hopeful he will make a lot more progress with the help of regular physical therapy. We all know Steven was and is a troubled man, but Mum has been with him a long time and we are all human beings who don’t always have all the answers.

  Apart from the pod people who have replaced thirty per cent of the human race and do actually have all the answers.

  Until next month, fellow Truth Seekers.

  Hannah xx

  PS. DO NOT FORGET TO COVER YOUR CAMERA ON THE COMPUTER SCREEN, THEY CAN READ THIS EMAIL FROM IT.

  PPS. Also don’t forget to get rid of all your Harry Potter books. As I have mentioned before, JK Rowling does not really exist, she is a government front for magic propaganda.

  The Edwards Family have requested that no one read this email at all.

  Epilogue

  NINE MONTHS LATER

  What’s on your mind, Alice?

  3 hrs · London · Friends only

  I am so happy Facebook is back in fashion!! I knew I was right not to delete my account. Spoiler alert: this is going to be a long, slightly drunk, award-show-type speech. I just got back from my 31st birthday party where there was both booze AND food – and I must be growing up because I genuinely loved it. I want to say thank you so so so so much to everyone who came, I have the actual best pals in the universe. Special shout out to Eva, Jeremy (and baby Olivia, who made a particularly cute cameo via FaceTime), Mark, Joe, Hannah and Mum. Love you guys. A still-in-shock-thanks to Clara, Maria, Anna and Craig who all travelled from far and wide to surprise me. I was so glad to see you and hear about how well your lives are going. I’m so glad you’re all happy – #AyahuascaPalsForever? – and see you tomorrow for brunch. Thanks to my new friend and work colleague, Luke, for popping along, too. I’ve only been working for AWOL a couple of months, but I already love it so very much. For those who don’t know, Luke and I are now heading up AWOL’s troll-busting avenging angel team. Who knew shouting at online dickheads and hitting a button marked ‘block’ all day would be so satisfying? (Everyone. Everyone knew that.) It’s an excellent outlet for my, er, let’s say snappier side. Anyway it’s brilliant, and I’m loving it. Finally happy to have a job with a CONTRACT.

  Anyway, a lot has happened in the last year – travelling, making new friends, reuniting with loved ones, and my stepdad coming home after his illness – and I want everyone to know how grateful I am that you all stuck by me. Life isn’t always easy or straightforward, but I’ve learnt to embrace all of that. It’s about the journey, not the destination. Remember that it’s all too easy to get stuck in an unhappy rut, waiting for someone to come along and fix you. But happiness is about taking risks and forgiving people for being people. So I’m going to forgive myself for this slightly cheesy moment and also forgive myself for getting fish and chips all over my duvet as I write all this in bed. Byeeeeeeee.

  Checked in at: Infernos, London

  Like Comment

  245 likes

  Mark Edwards

  When did you get so open and honest with your feelings?

  Alice Edwards

  Around about the same time as you did. Don’t think I didn’t see you and Joe snogging your faces off in the middle of the dance floor, buddy.

  Joe Downe

  Your brother is a changed man, Alice :)

  Noah Deer

  You coming to LA again this year? Maybe we can finally get that date in!

  Alice Edwards

  Maybe one day, Noah!

  Eva Slate

  You’re not leaving the country any time soon, sorry, I forbid it. I need you.

  Isabelle Moore

  Aw, so sorry I missed your party!!! But Patrick and I can’t wait to see you in June for our Tenerife holiday!!!!

  Alice Edwards

  Yay! Me tooooooo! So happy.

  Dan Heam

  THIS USER HAS BEEN BLOCKED AND HIS COMMENT DELETED.

  About the Author

  Lucy Vine is a freelance journalist based in London, who regularly writes and edits for the likes of Grazia, Heat, Cosmopolitan, Stylist and Marie Claire. Her debut Hot Mess was an eBook Number One bestseller.

  Follow her on Twitter @Lecv

  By Lucy Vine

  Hot Mess

  What Fresh Hel
l

  Acknowledgements

  The first person I would like to thank is my best friend Beyoncé. Beyoncé has been my best friend for many years now and she has definitively never said otherwise and you can’t prove anything. Bey, thank you for all the love and support you have given me, by not specifically saying you didn’t want me to have your love and support.

  Remember that really amazing night out we had together that one time? Where you looked amazing and everyone stared at you for hours and where you were singing the whole time and were also on stage and it was in the O2 Arena and I was in the audience. Let’s do that all the time.

  Remember how we cried together over Lemonade in that I was crying and you sounded sad as you sang about Becky with the good hair. Even though we are best friends I still don’t know which Becky you mean – is it my sister Becky? Because her hair isn’t even good, it’s really, really thin. Either way, I’m always here to cry with you over Lemonade until the Spotify adverts start up because I’m not paying £9.99 a month for Premium, you can forget about it.

  I would also like to thank all those people I’ve left behind since becoming best friends with Beyoncé. My family: Mum, Nigel, Dad, Liz, Dale, Lisa, Carey, Nick, Phil, Becky, Ros. Thank you all for making me have Christmases with you when I know Bey would’ve wanted me there with her and the kids so we could immediately leave them with Jay and go get drunk at Kelly’s house.