by Jo Raven
They’re Tyler’s babies, though, both of them, and I’d take all the exhaustion in the world a hundred times over for the joy of holding them, loving them, watching them grow with him by my side.
Tears burn my eyes. Happy tears. It wasn’t that long ago that I’d given up on him, that I’d thought him lost to me, gone, perhaps even dead. Not that long ago he returned to me out of the blue, back from the dead, with a terrible story of his dad torturing him, carving the word Bastard in his chest, carving him open—then his mom sending him away to live with a half-crazed, drug-addicted uncle. A story that left him scarred in and out, battling with benzo withdrawal, panic attacks and nightmares.
But he came back. And he fought to win my trust again. He showed me he was here to stay, that he meant it when he said he loved me, that he’d do anything to be with me. He took my anger and turned it into sadness and then back into love. He fought with his nightmares, sold his motorcycle to pay off the debts my family had since my difficult first pregnancy and birth of Jax, and dated me. Courted me. Screwed my brains out, too, but I wanted him to.
I’d missed him so damn bad. He’s both the boy I used to know, and a man, male through and through, tall, strong, handsome, sexy—but also loving, trustworthy, dependable. The best man I could have ever imagined. The best daddy I could have ever wished for.
My best friend, and soon-to-be husband.
Oh God. Butterflies somersault in my belly when I think about that—just like they do whenever he kisses me, or just looks at me.
Like he’s doing now, from across the distance, a crooked grin on his face, Jax held in his strong arms. His dark eyes pin me to the spot, full of promises, and I’m sitting there, with my aching nipples and a baby drooling on my shoulder, my panties growing damp from arousal.
Hot damn, this man. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting him, needing him. I really hope he has plans for us tonight, like he said. We haven’t had any real sex these past three months, apart from a few hurried encounters with handjobs and when he attempted to go down on me and I didn’t let him.
Yeah, I’ve felt a little self-conscious about the state of the regions down under after the birth. Afraid it’s, I dunno, wrinkled, stretched, weird. Something I didn’t have to wonder about after the birth of Jax because Tyler wasn’t there, and I didn’t date anyone.
There’s never been anyone for me but Tyler, and no, I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything. Not when I can have him.
Biting my lip, I get to my feet, patting the baby’s back until she burps, and walk toward the little group of my friends, only to get sidetracked by Audrey who’s heading my way, Scott in her arms.
Her son is the spitting image of Asher with his dark mop of hair and pale blue eyes. He grins when he sees Isabella, showing us his few baby teeth, and I snicker.
“Your boy is cute,” I say, bouncing Isabella a little to get her to stop fussing.
“Both my boys are cute.” Audrey glances at Asher’s broad-shouldered form, where he’s strolling with Tyler, and her cheeks color.
I can’t disagree. Asher is a looker, though of course I find Tyler much more handsome. What can I say? Ty has had my heart since it learned how to love.
“How’s Scott?” I nod at Scott, and he blubbers something, fingers shoved so deep inside his mouth I gag in sympathy.
“Teething,” she says. “Still teething. How long will this torture last?”
“With Jax it took two full years for all his teeth to come out.” Look at that, I didn’t forget all the trouble I went through with Jax after all. “He was cranky all that time, but,” I hurriedly add when her face pales dramatically, “I’m told many babies get theirs much faster.”
“Good to know.” She snorts. “Sorry. I love my little man, but he started teething just when he’d finally started sleeping through the night, you know? What little energy I had begun to get back is already gone.”
I know. “I feel your pain.”
She laughs again, this time a quiet little sound. “I shouldn’t complain. I’m happy. I just panic sometimes… that I’m not a good mom. That I don’t have enough patience. That I’m not taking good care of him.”
“Come here.” When she does, I give her a one-armed hug and feel her shake a little. She’s younger than me, and although I was much younger when I had Jax, I can understand her fears. “You’re doing great. You’re an awesome mom, and Ash is an awesome dad. You guys rock.”
Her little snort is a little hysterical this time, and I rub my hand in circles on her back. “Ash has been so great. He was panicking at first that he’d be a horrible dad, like his own dad, but he’s amazing with Scott.”
“And so are you,” I tell her firmly. “Asher keeps telling us how much.”
She peeks up at me from behind her tumble of red hair. “He does? You’re pulling my leg.”
“I pinky swear.”
Scott wails, and Audrey gives him a kiss on his chubby cheek. “He’s getting hungry. My turn to let my tits out.”
I snicker. “I bet Ash would love to help.” And as soon as the words leave my mouth, I remember what Tyler said, and my insides clench with need.
Crap. Since giving birth to Isa I can’t even name my girly parts without feeling embarrassed.
Pussy, Erin. It’s called a pussy, and it wants your boyfriend’s dick inside it.
And now I’m throbbing worse than before.
“Yeah, Asher tries to steal Scott’s milk sometimes.” She sticks her tongue out at me. “But not much.”
“Kinky.”
“In any case, Scott can’t drink more than a boobful at a time.” She pushes out her considerable rack and winks. “So I have no worries. And that’s on top of everything else he eats now. I’m giving him one more month, and I’ll wean him off.” She nuzzles his chubby face. “My little man.”
Isabella burps again, and I jiggle her on my arm. “I’m going to find Tyler and Jax. See what they’re up to.”
“They’re boys.” She settles on the bench and starts unbuttoning her shirt. “They’re up to mischief.”
Most probably. As I turn to go, I pause. “Have you seen Dakota and Megan recently?”
They are Zane’s and Rafe’s girls, respectively. Both had babies around the time I did, and I don’t think I’ve seen them recently, apart from that one time we went to congratulate them and meet the babies.
She nods as she nestles Scott in the crook of her arm. “I saw them a couple of times at Damage Control. They seemed okay. The babies are super cute. We should arrange to meet all of us girls one day. Maybe we’ll pass the baby fever to Tessa, too.”
“Then don’t tell her about teething. Or the colic. Or the fussiness.”
She just shakes her head and laughs. “Those secrets are safe with me.” She sobers up. “We should meet. I think…” She glances down at her son as he latches on to her nipple. “I think something’s up with Dakota.”
“Dakota? Not Megan?”
“I know, right? Meg was so terrified of having babies she was the one I was mostly worried about when you girls all got pregnant, but she’s taking it well. No, Dakota is the one worrying me. She seems way too tired, and distracted, and sad.”
“Sad?” This is bad. And strange. Or not. “Baby blues, you think?”
“Who knows? But we need to check on her.”
We sure do. Because the boys may have a brotherhood forged through pain and blood, but we girls have our own team. Our sisterhood, woven with tears and pain and laughter and love, and we also take care of one another.
Always.
***
“Hey, girl.” Tyler is carrying a cranky Jax under one arm, limp like a sack of potatoes.
“What happened?”
“He got into a fight with Teo.”
Dylan’s youngest brother. “Over some significant matter or other, I’ll bet.”
“Yeah. A rotten piece of chocolate they found on the trampoline.”
“Oh God.” I laugh.
I can’t help it.
I’ve been laughing a lot more since I got Tyler back in my life, and his answering grin is bright like the sun.
“Don’t worry, I threw it away before they could tear it apart with their bare teeth.”
The image only has me laughing harder.
And that gets Isabella wailing.
Crap…
“Why don’t you invite everyone over,” I say, glancing down at her, trying to gauge if she needs changing, or is just tired and needs to sleep. “I’ve got the roast ready, and the salad. We haven’t really sat down with them in a while.”
“Sounds good.” He leans over, trails his mouth on my neck. “I love you, Erin.”
“Shoo.” I bump him with my hip and pretend I’m not affected and melting, like every time he speaks the words. “Go tell them before Isa really gets going. Quickly.”
“I’m going!” I watch him jog over to the others, talking to Jax who’s giggling, set on his hip. “Faster! We need to be faster!”
Boys…
God, I love Ty. He’s doing so much better now than he did a year ago, though he still has panic attacks sometimes and goes all OCD on me when he’s stressed and organizes everything by color and shape. But he’s better.
And I want everyone to be better. I love my little family and my friends. I want to make sure they’re all fed and cozy and warm and happy. That they’re all right all the way to the bone, all the way to the soul.
That even if we’re exhausted and still battling our demons, we’ve reached the end and found it’s not an end but a happy new beginning.
***
Once we’re home, Dylan takes charge of the kitchen, and I let him because I may be secure in my cooking skills, but he’s a pretty good cook himself, and I need to convince Isabella to sleep, kinda hard with so many people around.
The doorbell rings at some point as Isa yawns, and by the time she finally drifts off and I leave the room, baby monitor in place, I find Rafe and Megan with their baby son there, too.
“Hey!” I hurry over to give them hugs and coo at the baby who’s a perfect mixture between the two of them–golden hair and cat-like eyes like him, tanned skin and dark gaze like her. “So glad you came.”
“Tyler called us,” Rafe rumbles and grins, flashing his deep dimples at me. “We hope you don’t mind.”
Always such a nice boy, Rafaele Vestri. “I was just asking Audrey about you guys today. So happy to have you here. We should do this more often, now that the babies are a bit older.”
“Yeah, Zane wouldn’t sleep through the night for a long time,” Megan says, and I blink at her.
“Zane?” The baby’s name is Zane? “I thought you’d name him after Rafe’s dad.”
Rafe’s golden gaze darkens. “Zane’s a much better man than my dad ever was.”
Okay, that makes sense. Rafe’s father was a Mafioso, his family killed because of his betrayal, and although he did turn against his Mafia buddies that didn’t redeem him in Rafe’s eyes.
Not when it cost the lives of his mother and sister, too.
“Little Zane.” I tap the baby’s button nose and smile. “That’s a good name. Does Zen-man know you named your kid after him?”
The baby wiggles, dark eyes blinking up at me.
Rafe shrugs. “I haven’t really talked to him much lately.”
And that reminds me… Our group isn’t complete. “Where are Zane and Dakota and the little one?”
“Can’t come, so Dakota said.” Tyler’s dark eyes grow troubled. “Had a bad night.”
“Was it because of the baby?”
“No.” He scratches at his stubbled jaw, glances at Rafe and then back at me. “Because of Zane.”
Chapter Three
Tyler
Erin is frowning, and I look away. I don’t wanna worry my girl over this, not when she’s so tired with taking care of our kids, but Dakota sounded so stressed out on the phone, and knowing Zane’s also the reason Dylan wanted to talk to us about, I’m sure my own concern is written all over my face.
But Erin has always been able to read me, no matter how I try to put on a relaxed face, and the glances the others are sending my way tell me they know something’s off, too.
“Okay, guys, you’re scaring me,” Audrey says, coming closer, those big green eyes of hers wide. “What’s wrong? Are Dakota and the baby okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, they’re fine.” I can at least give them that. “Tired, is all.”
A faint, collective sigh of relief goes through the room.
Yeah, that’s good. I’m grateful all the mothers and babies of our extended family are well, so I let them all relax a little. It’s damn crazy how protective I feel of every single one of them. Maybe it’s because I’m the oldest—albeit by a couple of years—but I’d take the burden of their problems and troubles if I could, even if it broke me all over again.
“Hey, guys? How about you sit at the table while I bring out the food?” Dylan’s blond head appears at the kitchen door. “The roast is warm and ready and the salad…” He trails off, his eyes narrowing. “What the hell happened?”
“Nothing.” I herd Erin and Jax to the table, then turn to haul Ash, Audrey and a sleepy Scott there too, leaving Rafe and Megan to decide where to place the travel crib and settle little Zane inside.
Damn, I need to find a nickname for the kid, or this is gonna get confusing inside my head real quickly. What can I call him? Zan? Zed? Zany? Zay?
Rafe’s Brat?
Dylan brings out the roast, and I follow him into the kitchen to help with the rest—potatoes, salad, bread and homemade Venezuelan Guasacaca, a spicy avocado-based dip made thanks to a new recipe given to us by Erin’s mom.
It smells damn fine, and I let calm settle over me as I carry the dishes to the table. This is my home now. And I’ll fix whatever is wrong.
Satisfied everyone’s seated and getting served, I sit beside Erin and clasp her hand in mine as I take in the familiar faces around me—Ash with his spiky dark hair talking quietly to Audrey with her red hair and her freckles, Dylan grinning like an idiot as he teases his brothers about the amount of food they’ve piled on their plates, Rafe’s blond head bent close to Megan’s dark one as they look toward the travel crib where Zany—Zay?—is asleep.
Zay sounds good. Jackpot.
And then I have Erin and Jax on either side of me. Beautiful. Perfect. Mine to keep and hold.
“Welcome,” I say and raise my glass. “Great to have you here. Guys, I…” I swallow hard, and for some strange reason my throat feels clogged. “Look, I’ve wanted to say this for a while. So here goes. I don’t think I ever got to thank you for being there for me when I needed you. For saving me when I needed someone to pull me back from the edge. So here’s to you. I’m fucking grateful we made it this far, and we have each other, that we have found the strength to go on. I’m fucking grateful for all of you.” I turn to Erin and she leans her head on my shoulder. “And above all for my sexy wife-to-be and my very understanding kids. They’re the reason I’m still sane.”
They’re parts of me. Keepers of my soul.
I don’t say that, but I know it.
Silence spreads over us, until my brother breaks it, clearing his throat.
“I’ll drink to sexy wives and understanding kids.” Ash raises his glass, his pale eyes too bright, and the knot in my throat grows, because he also deserves a special mention for forgiving me, for taking me back into his life although I wasn’t here for him when he needed me. “And it’s not us you should be thanking, big bro. It’s Zen-man.”
Only he’s not here, and we really need to talk about him.
Dammit, Zane. What Dylan told me has twisted me up inside, though he didn’t know to tell me the why.
One way or another, I’ll find out. Fix the problem and make us whole again. I swear, next time the Brotherhood sits at the table to eat together, it will be all of us, no matter what it takes.
Pushing the worry to t
he back of my mind as best I can, I nod at everyone. “Dig in!”
***
Audrey is feeding a green paste to a fussy Scott, Megan is feeding a sleepy Zay, and Erin’s fast asleep already, one arm around Jax, the baby asleep in her crib by the bed.
I never knew how much work it can be, bringing a baby into the world, caring for her night and day until she’s old enough to fend for herself. Needless to say I have even more respect now than I ever did for my girl who went through all this alone when she was sixteen. I mean, I didn’t even know about it until Jax was four.
Not my fault, and yet I can’t help but regret not having been there for them both. This time, though… this time I’m here, and I’ll make sure they have everything they need, my help in everything, and that nothing bad will be able to touch them.
Same goes for my friends, and I sigh as I return to the living room where the guys are sitting.
I’d have liked the girls to be here with us, too, but maybe it’s better this way, to get a clear picture of what’s going on first before I worry Erin more. What she needs is a vacation, not more stress, and we’d planned to follow her parents to Venezuela, her mom’s home country, this summer.
Then Erin got pregnant, and we canceled the plans.
Now, though, as soon as Isabella grows a little bit more, after the wedding, I’m taking my wife on a honeymoon. She doesn’t know it yet. My plan is to fuck. Fuck a lot. Make her come a lot, make her scream with pleasure, and then massage her feet and drink cocktails with her by a pool until she’s rested enough for the next round.
What can I say? She is the sexiest girl on earth. And we need some alone time.
But first…
I take my seat beside Dylan and nod at Rafe and Ash who’re drinking ice-cold beer, absently checking my stack of motorcycle magazines.
“So…” Rafe drops the magazine he’d been leafing through on the coffee table and takes a deep draught of his beer. “Spill. What got your fucking panties in a twist?”
Dylan chews on his lower lip, the silver hoop there glinting, and passes a hand over his short hair. “Zane.”
There. The word, the name, the issue is on the table.
