by Jo Raven
Until I found out why. That he’d been trying to protect me from his abusive dad. That he’d felt worthless and insecure. That his life had been hell.
That he loved me.
After almost losing him to his dad’s violence and the underground fight club he’d joined to make ends meet, I’m finally with him, though I sometimes wake up in the night and just watch him breathe, making sure he’s alive. That he’s all right.
“Has he eaten?” Ash asks, and I blink, returning to the present.
“Yeah. Only just. Changed his diaper, too. You should be good for a couple of hours.”
“Are you okay?” His pale, long-lashed eyes flick down to my still flat tummy and back up to my face. “Sure you’re up to doing stuff today?”
“I’m fine.” I really am. Sure, my stomach hurts a little, but I’m not dizzy or hugging the toilet bowl like I’d done for months with my first pregnancy. “Seriously, don’t worry about me, Ash.”
He nods, and I understand how he feels. He’s protective of me, of our little family. As little as he thinks of his ability to be a good father, he’d gladly take on any discomfort or pain on himself to keep us from suffering.
I can feel tears gathering at the back of my throat—tears of happiness, and God, frigging hormones. If he realizes I’m about to cry, he’ll go crazy trying to find out what’s wrong.
Only nothing’s wrong. The doctor said everything looks fine.
We’re fine.
It’s not us who need help. “Any news about Zane?”
He told me what went down on Monday at Damage. What Zane said. What they decided to do. He refused to tell me exactly what those men had done to Zane when he was young, not wanting to horrify me.
But I know. I can imagine, and my heart aches as much as my stomach twists and churns at the thought.
Asher settles Scott in the crook of his arm and rocks him back and forth. “Rafe’s gonna ask Evangeline what Zane can do, but we think he can just ask for his files from social services.”
Ev is the girlfriend of Micah, one of the Damage Boyz that Zane took in from the streets and an inker at the shop. She works with the National Runaway Safeline and knows lots of people working in the social services.
“I’ll ask Mom what she thinks we should do,” I mutter. Mom also works for the Safeline. She’s the one that got Ev the job. “I’ll call her.”
“Wasn’t she on a trip?”
“Yeah. Should be back tonight.”
I could have called her, of course, from the start. It’s not like she doesn’t carry her cell phone with her wherever she goes, especially with her job and even more so since she became a grandma.
But this trip isn’t a business trip. She finally met someone she seems to care for, and I wanted her to have fun. God knows she deserves it. My mom is great, and even though we had our falling out over Ash back when he and I first got back together, she turned herself around, apologized to him and became our support, our parent.
“You haven’t told her yet, have you?” Ash smirks at me. He knows me too well.
I shake my head. Haven’t told her about the baby yet. I’m sure she’ll be delighted.
Pretty sure. See, Mom wants me to finish college, find a job I like. And I want that, too, but there’s no doubt whatsoever in my mind, and in my heart, that I’m overjoyed to have another baby.
Another baby with Ash.
So I’ve been putting it off, not wanting to be told anything negative, not while I’m floating on this pink fluffy cloud of joy. I don’t want anything marring this beautiful time, anything putting out the bright light in Ash’s eyes.
Especially not when he’s already worried about Zane, just like I am. We need all the positive energy we can get.
***
“This sucks,” Erin says, flipping through the wedding magazines I brought with me. Her eyes are a bit red, like she’s cried recently. “Tyler told me what Zane said, and God… how can I have shared an apartment with him, seen him struggle with those awful nightmares and not known about his childhood? It makes me feel…” She pushes the magazine away, throws her hands up in the air and her face crumbles a little. “Like a really bad friend, you know?
“You had Jax keeping you busy at the time.” I stroke circles on her back. “Keeping you worried, him and your mom who was sick—and then Tyler appeared out of nowhere and—”
“Doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“You couldn’t have known, girl. For all’s worth, I didn’t know, either. None of us knew, except Dakota, and then Ash. They were the only people he told, and even then, he never gave details. Stop beating yourself up over that.”
“She’s right,” Megan says, her tanned face a bit drawn. “We should focus on the future and on how to help.”
“And how can we help?” Erin whispers, wiping at her eyes. “Besides going with the boys to check out the house where Zane might have lived back then, and the area around the Walmart Supercenter to see if we spot the car?” She glances at baby Isa who’s asleep in her travel crib. “I feel we should put off the weddings, forget about all this crap.” She waves at the magazines. “I don’t feel like planning anything while Zane is unwell, and this whole horrible situation is unresolved.”
She may be right. It’s not like I feel like organizing wedding bands and deciding on the catering service at this point.
“We can’t stop living, guys.” Megan’s son, little Zane, is blinking at us from his travel crib on the sofa beside her with his mother’s dark eyes. She reaches over and strokes his light curls. “Besides, maybe the wedding will help Zane. Remind him we’re all by his side. That he’s fine now, no matter what he remembers, no matter what he went through. That now is the time to be happy and celebrate life.”
God, she’s right, too.
Plus, the weddings are just around the corner. We’re just putting the finishing touches on the tables and decoration right now. The wedding gowns are ready, designed and sewn by Ocean’s girlfriend, Kayla, who’s getting to be more and more known for her creations. The venue has been booked, the menu decided on, the invitations have been sent out.
Erin and I exchange a dubious look. “Tyler thinks Zane’s mind might have made part of those memories up,” she says, and it’s obvious she’s trying to believe it, to convince herself that her best friend didn’t go through one of the worst things that could happen to a child. “I Googled it. Memory is more unreliable than we think. It could be… could be that he wasn’t abused that way. But…”
“But he was hurt in some way,” I finish for her. “And something brought those memories back to the surface.”
“It means we may not find anything. He only remembers a first name, and isn’t even sure of that. Or the area. Or the year.”
Hell. She’s right. Ash told me he’s afraid of that, too.
“Okay, what if…?” Megan leans forward, eyes bright. “What if we talked to Dakota? What if he has said anything in his sleep to help us figure this out? Some name, some detail he doesn’t remember when he’s awake.”
I open my mouth to tell her this won’t work, then close it again.
What does it hurt to try? God knows I’ve wanted to see Dakota again. Haven’t seen her since Sunday, and I’ve been meaning to call her. Didn’t want to disturb her with everything she has going on, but I also want her to know she can lean on us.
“I’m going to call her,” I say, pulling out my phone.
Dakota made Zane happy. She brought him back from the dead with her love, gave him a family. If he’s to make it back to us again whole, we need her help.
Any help we can get.
***
“You guys doing okay? The kids?” Dakota’s smile is tired as she breastfeeds her baby. “Erin, where’s Jax?”
“His dad took him. The guys are having a meeting. Ash has Scott.” My hand is hovering protectively over my belly, and I snatch it away when I notice. For some reason, I don’t feel like sharing the news with my frien
ds just yet. “They’re planning.”
“How is Zane?” Erin asks quietly, reaching over to caress baby Lee’s almost bald head.
“The same.” Dakota’s lower lip quivers and she bites into it. “I mean… He still has these godawful nightmares… sometimes waking up in the middle of the night to throw up. It breaks my heart.” She shakes her head. “He’s taken to sleeping on the sofa, not to wake us up. As if I could sleep through one of his nightmares.”
My chest squeezes so tightly I can barely breathe. I put a hand on her shoulder. “Hang in there, girl.”
“He’d been doing so well for so long, you know? And I can’t do so much because I’m so tired, and Lee,” she nods at the baby in her arms, “he doesn’t sleep much either, and I…” Her voice cracks, and I want so much to hug her.
I squeeze her shoulder instead, not to jostle the baby. “So nothing new?”
“He doesn’t… doesn’t look as defeated as he did last week,” she whispers, looking down at her son. “I think talking to the guys helped.”
My chest expands a little. “We’ll all do everything we can to help. In every way. You know that, right? That we’re here for you.”
She looks up, shoots me a grateful smile that lights up her big blue eyes. “Thanks, Audrey. I had my mom and my aunts over a few times to help out, but since Zane’s nightmares got worse, I stopped asking them.”
Crap, yeah, I can understand that.
What a mess.
“What about Zane’s brother-in-law. Matt, was it? Does he know this is happening?”
“Matt… is in a bad place right now,” Dakota says quietly. “Has been since Emma died. I tried but can’t reach him.”
Crap.
“The guys are taking Zane to Children and Family Services tomorrow to see how to get the info about his past,” Dakota says, then her voice drops and her smile fades. “He’d never wanted to know. He only wanted to forget.”
Yeah. This sucks.
“Ev told me he’ll have to fill out some forms,” Megan says. “Shouldn’t be that hard.”
“And we’re going to check everything Zane has told us,” I say. “We’ll dig into his past, unearth anything we can find.” And hope that won’t break him completely. “But what he has told us is very little. So we were thinking…” I catch Megan’s gaze and she nods. “Megan thought that maybe you’d know something more. Anything at all that Zane may have told you without realizing it’s important. Or…” God, this is hard to ask. “Or if he said something in his sleep, or during a flashback that you think could be important.”
I feel like I’m asking her to betray his trust in her, and from the wounded look she gives me, it’s clear she feels the same way.
But what she says is, “I’ll think about it.” The struggle in her gaze is painful to see. “If it’ll help him… I’d do anything for him.”
Even if it breaks his trust in her.
I’d have done the same for Ash. Saving him would have been more important than his faith in me. More than his love for me.
God, let’s just hope it never comes to that, to choosing between his sanity and the woman he loves, or Zane will be lost to us forever.
Chapter Ten
Asher
I walk up and down a campus parking lot, waiting for Audrey, Scott in my arms. It’s a fine summer morning, and I’m waiting for her to finish with her belly dance class so we can go.
She’s radiant as she steps out of the building and starts walking toward us, her cheeks flushed, her ponytail bouncing. I’m spellbound, gaping at her.
That’s my wife, I think. Goddammit, I’m one lucky motherfucker.
“Mama,” Scott informs me and reaches for her, almost tumbling out of my arms.
Cursing, I tighten my hold on his squirming little body. He’s like a starfish, all legs. “Wait, buddy.”
She laughs when she see us and takes Scott from my arms, kissing his face. “Hey, boys.”
“Hey, girls.” I wink at her. Over these past few days, she has become convinced the baby is a girl. I have no clue how she would know.
Not that I’d mind.
“I talked to the teacher. She says it’s fine to keep dancing as long as everything is okay.”
“Yeah. A big belly will be damn useful for belly dancing.” I stick my tongue out and am rewarded by another sweet peal of laughter.
Suddenly I’m overwhelmed with how much I need her. I walk over to her and put my arms around her, and Scott, and the baby. “God, I love you,” I whisper in her ear. “Can’t tell you how fucking much.”
“I know,” she whispers back, her voice thick. “I know. Just hold me tight.”
“We’ll get through this. Through all of this. Through anything.”
“Together.”
“Always together.”
“Tell me.”
“With you, and Scott, and the baby. With our friends. We’ll help Zane. We’ll find out what happened, and help him. And everything will be fine again.”
“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes. It will.”
I kiss the tears sliding down her cheeks, kiss her mouth. I swear it, fucking swear it on my life, for her, for my family, for Zane, dammit… I’ll find a way.
***
A bit later, I end up in Rafe’s Mustang, with him, Zane, Tyler, and Dylan. Just us guys. Audrey had to feed Scott, and she was feeling tired, which she reminded me is normal.
As if that changes anything about my worry for her.
The drive to Wausau is about two hours long, and I’m not surprised when Zane nods off almost immediately in the back seat where he’s wedged against the window.
Tyler rubs a hand over his face and pushes his hair out of his eyes.
“You need a haircut.” I flick my finger at his bangs, and he cuffs me on the back of the head.
“And you need to respect your older brother.”
I guffaw. “Don’t you wish, asshole.”
“Dipshit.”
“Asshat.”
“Dickwad.”
“Dicksack.” I flick at his hair again, and he catches my wrist, twisting my hand.
“Cut it out, baby bro. Why are you so hyper today, huh?” His dark eyes narrow at me. “Spill.”
“Fuck off.”
“Just relax. Okay?”
“Yeah.” I can’t help the grin breaking out on my face. “Yeah, okay.”
“You give up?” He releases my wrist and pins me with his gaze. “Okay, this is serious. Did something happen?”
Fuck, I can’t hold it back. Audrey never said it was a secret, so… “Auds is pregnant again.”
“You…” His eyes widen. “What the fuck did you just say?”
Rafe chuckles from the front, tapping his hands on the wheel. “Motherfucker. That was fast. I guess congratulations are in order.”
Dylan gives me a thumbs-up from the passenger seat.
Then Tyler grabs me in a bear hold and squeezes the shit out of me. “Hell, little bro. Congrats. That’s great.”
Dunno why his words bring a lump to my throat. I struggle to swallow around it. “Ty…”
“It’s great, Ash.” He elbows me hard enough to almost break a rib and says earnestly, “I have your back. Whatever you need. Don’t forget that. It will be okay.”
Hadn’t known I’d needed that reassurance, but the moment he offers it, something unclenches in my chest, and I turn toward the window to hide my face.
“Thanks,” I choke out, and I’m damn glad he doesn’t ask if I’m okay.
Because I am. I will be. In a fucking minute.
Well, fuck. You’d think I’m the one with the mood swings.
He only pats my arm, saying nothing. He’s proven to me time and again that he’s not going anywhere, that he will give me all the time I need to accept he’s back to stay and be part of my life once more.
***
I might have fallen asleep, too, for a while, because when I blink again, we’re driving through a town, down an avenu
e with the glint of a river and a bridge ahead.
I rub at my eyes, a snatch of a dream teasing me.
Auds. Our babies. A sunlit afternoon by a lake. Laughter.
Then I catch a glimpse of Zane’s pale, drawn face and sober up. He’s staring out the window, his hands fisted in his lap, his short Mohawk drooping over his face. I’m not sure he’s seeing the town streaking by. His eyes are wide, unblinking.
It’s as if he’s seeing something inside his own head, and it sure as hell doesn’t seem pleasant.
“Z-man.” Tyler nudges him, and Zane flinches. “You with us? Which way now?”
He just stares at my brother, gaze blank. He doesn’t reply.
Silence settles heavy over us.
Hell.
We didn’t discuss this, but the whole point of coming out here with Zane was that he’d give directions, or at least indicate the general area where the house is to be found. Otherwise this trip was for nothing.
Right now, he’s our only source of information, and his chillingly empty gaze doesn’t bode well.
“I can’t…” He stops, glances out the window. “Can’t remember.”
“Z-man—”
“I can’t fucking remember, dammit.” He swings an elbow into Tyler’s side, and my brother gasps out in surprise. “Lemme fucking go, I can’t—”
“Zane. Zane!” Before I can move, Tyler has grabbed him around the shoulders and immobilized him. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
The look Rafe gives us through the rear-view mirror is wide and horror-struck.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Zane mutters, shaking. “I’m sorry, fucker.”
“Everything’s okay,” Tyler says, although nothing’s okay.
We roll down the avenue, over the bridge, over the river. We drive past unfamiliar houses, unfamiliar streets. It’s a path into the unknown.
“What the fuck do we do now?” Zane asks, his voice like broken glass.
“We should have waited to see what the agency coughs up in way of info before going off all half-cocked to check things on our own,” Dylan mutters, twisting around in his seat to look at us.
“You’re not helping,” I growl at him.
“Just saying, man. We jumped the gun on this one.”
