by Tillie Cole
Stubbing out my smoke, I reached for my black shirt which was pitted in marble dust and clay and slid on my black boots. “Okay. Bye.”
“Where are you going in such a rush?” Vin asked as I reached for my wallet and keys for the El Camino.
“The gallery.”
“Ah. You’re still going every night,” Vin mused, and I stopped dead.
“You know I’ve been going?”
He nodded. “I signed you up as a night visitor before you even arrived. I knew you couldn’t resist. It’s a good thing. It tells me you’re not as indifferent to this exhibition as you try to make out.”
I kept my silence, feeling like a fucking douche. Yeah, I gave a shit.
“And you’re going now to check on its progress?”
I stared at Vin and knew the old bastard wouldn’t stop pushing me until I spoke. “I’m gonna go give titles to my pieces.”
Vin’s mouth spread in the biggest fucking smile ever. “Elpi! I’m so glad. The titles will give them life!” Then he frowned. “But why now? You’ve refused for so long.”
My stomach rolled as Aliyana’s face came to my mind. Looking down, I scratched at my beard. “The curator caught me there last night and asked me to name them. I agreed. She was… persistent,” I trailed off; for some reason I felt lighter when I pictured her eager face.
Glancing at the unfinished sculpture set in plaster in the middle of the studio, I already knew what I’d name that one…
“You’ve met Aliyana?” Vin’s question pulled me back to the here and now.
“Last night.”
Something close to humor flashed in Vin’s eyes and he fought a smile. That knowing look just pissed me the fuck off.
“What?” I asked sharply.
Vin held up his hands. “Nothing.”
I glared at him, then took another smoke and slipped it between my lips. I pushed past Vin. “I’m out.”
As I left the studio, I swore I heard Vin laughing.
Opening door to the dark, wet night, I ducked my head as I ran out into the rain and jumped into my black 1969 El Camino. I breathed deep as the rain thundered off my muscle car’s roof. The smoke from my cigarette filled up the newly upholstered cabin.
Looking in the rearview mirror, I pulled out the band that kept my long hair tied back and let my damp hair down. Marble dust covered every inch of me. I shook my head asking myself why I even gave a shit how I looked.
Of course I knew why I gave a shit. The reason was about five feet six, had a fucking body to die for, long dark-brown hair that fell to the middle of her back, and the biggest Spanish eyes I’d ever seen. Yeah, that’s why I gave a shit. A hot woman that got my work.
Leaving my smoke dangling from my bottom lip, I stared at my reflection. Go get this done, Axe. Leave the chick alone. Name the sculptures. Tell her enough background info to shut her up about the text boards. Then leave and never go back.
*****
Entering the back staff entrance, I flicked my chin to the night security guard who was always at his desk. The guy ducked his head behind the desk to break any eye contact. He was terrified of me. Didn’t surprise me; most people were. All except Vin, and maybe Aliyana. Vin because he wasn’t exactly sane, and Aliyana? Fuck knows why.
Noticing the black curtains were shut, I then heard some Spanish-sounding pop music playing from inside.
Taking a deep breath and wishing to God I’d had another smoke to calm me down, I opened the curtain and stepped into the gallery. It looked so different from last night. All the wooden crates and packaging from the sculptures were gone. Only my sculptures and the rigs to position them remained. Handwritten notes were scattered on the floor around each piece.
Hearing off-key singing from the back of the room, I followed the fucking brutal sound. As I rounded the corner, Aliyana Lucia was there dressed in an oversized white shirt, tight black leggings, pink Doc Martens, with her dark hair tied in a messy knot on top of her head.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
But the outfit and her looks weren’t what had me entranced. She was holding a paintbrush in her hand, painting what looked like tester pots of tones of white onto the back wall, while shaking her hips, badly singing, “Amor Prohibido murmuran por las calles. Porque somos de distintas sociedades…” in perfect Spanish. She was having fun, letting loose…
My eyebrows pulled down. In all my life, I don’t think I’d ever been around anyone who ever just had fun. I’d never had fun…
An unfamiliar feeling of warmth spread in my chest as I stared at Aliyana. I watched her belting out the lyrics, her brush strokes keeping time to the beat.
For the first time in my life, I wanted to feel that happy, if only for a minute, I wanted to know what that level of freedom felt like. It looked… nice… Aliyana, standing there swaying her hips, not a damn care in the world, was like feeling a ray of light shining on your face when you’d been stuck in a dark pit your whole life.
After a few minutes just watching, mesmerized, I straightened up, dropped my smirk, folded my arms across my chest, and cleared my throat.
Aliyana froze mid-brushstroke and slowly turned her head. Her beautiful face was spattered with white paint, and her brown eyes were almost Disney-level huge as they landed on me. Her olive skin shaded to a bright red. She carefully lowered the brush to the tray on a cart beside her, whispering something to herself under her breath.
My cheeks twitched, and I had to stop myself from laughing at her reaction to finding me here.
Fuck. She looked mortified.
“Elpidio, I didn’t think you were coming,” she said, all flustered, her hand over her chest.
Fuck me, she was gorgeous. I’d thought so last night, but now, like this...?
I held her stare, watching as her chest began to rise and fall under my attention, it went faster and faster the longer we held gazes. Long dark lashes fluttered in nerves and my fists involuntary clenched together against my chest at the action.
“Elpi,” I reminded her icily.
Aliyana’s eyes flared with embarrassment and her face flushed even more than before. She reached up to play with her hair. At the sudden movement, her partly unbuttoned shirt gaped at the neck, allowing me to glimpse her tan skin and the top of her firm tits under her white lace bra. I almost groaned at the sight, but I was rooted to the spot, just fucking dumbstruck by this chick.
“I’m sorry, Elpi,” she rushed out. “You did remind me about your name last night. I wasn’t thinking.”
I immediately felt like a dick on hearing the apology in her soft voice, but I stayed silent as Aliyana hurried to switch the music off.
I remained frozen to the spot as she took a long deep breath, her back to me, shoulders tensed as a deafening silence hit us both. But she pulled herself together and turned to me with that beautiful smiling face of hers.
“I’m so happy you made it,” she said, moving toward me. Her dark eyes ran down my body, from my messy long hair to my clay-covered black shirt and black ripped jeans. Aliyana’s full pink lips twitched, two deep-set dimples on either cheek popping out. Hesitantly, she reached up her hand toward the ends of my hair. Every part of me froze and my breath clogged my throat as I watched her swallow nervously.
It’d been years since a woman had touched me. And never one that looked like her.
As her slim finger drifted past my cheek, I caught her scent… jasmine. Mamma used to burn jasmine incense in the trailer. I didn’t know if that was the reason, but for the first time in a long time, I felt myself relax around someone. Strangely, it felt like home.
Aliyana took a piece of my hair between her index finger and thumb. Her pink lips parted slightly and her warm breath spread all over my face.
I… liked her this close… touching me.
A second later, Aliyana pulled away her hand and she held it up in front of my eyes for me to see.
“Marble,” she whispered, her dimples deepening as her lips gently pouted,
eyes narrowed in suspicion. “You must have been real busy today. You’re covered.”
Something in my face must have caused her back off, because she dropped my hair and stepped back.
I gritted my teeth. I had no idea how to do all this shit. Women, this exhibition… be fucking normal.
“So have you?”
“What?”
“Been working all day.”
I could see the excitement in her eyes. I nodded my head before glancing away, putting my hands in my pockets.
I moved toward the dagger piece we’d discussed last night. It was now in the corner I’d suggested, high up on a plinth. There was a huge spotlight shining down on it. I frowned.
“If you don’t want it elevated, we can change it,” Aliyana suddenly said from beside me. Her scent of jasmine drifted past me again, my lips tightening at having her so close. She ran her hand over the white plinth, really studying the piece. “I asked it to be put higher to really maximize the effect of the rivulets. And I put the spotlight here tonight so you could see how it would look in the daylight. See?”
I bent down and immediately saw she was right. As I stood up again, Aliyana was biting her finger between her teeth.
“Well?” she asked.
“It’s perfect,” I rasped. It genuinely was. In the glare of the spotlight, rivulets ran down the sculpted man, off the plinth, and shadowed about two feet along the floor. The skin on my back pricked as I felt Aliyana watching me.
“So you approve?”
“Fuck… yeah… it’s…” I trailed off, not knowing how to express what it made me feel. I was never good with words. Not unless I was threatening you to pay up for your crack or I’d crowbar your fucking knees.
Aliyana’s hands clasped together and a proud expression settled on her face. That look made me step back. Get some distance.
I’d made her happy. I wasn’t sure how to deal with that. Happiness and me didn’t really sit right.
“So…” Aliyana said as she circled, gesturing to the statue. “Have you thought about its title?”
As I stared at that man, the rivulets nearly drowning his frame, the shadows looking like gushes of running blood, only one title came to mind. “Exsanguination,” I whispered before I’d time to think about it.
Aliyana tensed. Fuck. It was probably a stupid title. I was so shit at this whole art thing.
“The draining of blood?” Aliyana mused quietly. My eyes snapped to hers, but she was staring at the sculpture, an empathetic look on her face. “Exsanguination…” she murmured under her breath. Her shining eyes met mine.
“Of guilt,” I explained, my voice breaking. “Of every sin this man committed… of his actions that caused people pain… actions he can never take back. Those daggers are there for life.”
Aliyana sucked in a breath, and I dipped my head, feeling the truth of every word I’d just spilled cut into my black heart.
“And what was the inspiration?” she pushed tentatively.
I sighed and pushed my hair back from my face. I glanced to Aliyana, but I couldn’t take seeing the sorrow on her fucking beautiful face. “Shit, girl,” I snapped without caution. My eyes closed briefly as I tried to rein in these feelings, these fucking choking feelings I’d never dared let loose.
“You really need to know how I thought of this fucked-up piece? You need every damn sordid detail?” It came out harsher than I’d intended, but I wasn’t real comfortable with revealing this shit to anyone.
“Just something would be good.” Aliyana nervously inched closer to me, her voice barely above a whisper. “Like, how did you think of it? That should suffice for the text boards.”
Slowly inhaling through my nose, I dropped my head so my hair covered my face. “The guy’s a sinner. A guy that’s done some real fucked-up shit, but by the time he realized all the pain he’d caused others, it was too late. He’d already done the worst. He’d already ruined people… ruined lives… destroyed people’s innocence, changed people, forever changed people’s souls …”
In my mind, I saw Levi as a fourteen-year-old kid, me standing behind him, pointing out a member of a rival gang, a King. Levi held in his hands a Beretta. His little fingers were fucking shaking, face white with fear, scared shitless, but I ignored it all. Gio had nodded his head at me, ordering my little brother to earn the Heighter stidda, the star tattoo on a Heighter’s left cheek that showed you’d passed the initiation… by shooting a King.
I watched my twenty-five-year-old self stand behind Levi like a damn demon at his back, whispering in his ear for him to hurry. Lifting his slim arm to aim at our rival and ordered now as Levi did what I’d said and fired a bullet straight into the fucker.
But more than anything, I could see Levi turn to face me. I could still feel how fucking proud I was of him, that he’d proved himself to my “brothers”—the gang that was my everything and always had been since I was twelve. But I could also see the change in Levi’s face. The young kid Austin and Mamma cherished, forever changed, as his victim lay bleeding out on the ground.
“Elpi?” Aliyana questioned at my silence.
Feeling a tear drop run down my cheek, over the crucifix tattoo that now covered my stidda, I added, “Every dagger is a crime he committed, the guilt flooding everyone and everything around him. Fucking never-ending guilt.”
A hallow feeling set in my gut, and I glanced up to the sculpture. “But the daggers will never leave. The guilt will keep on pouring out. The wounds will never close… the cracks, the fractures on his body, will never heal.”
The sudden silence in the large gallery suffocated me, making me want to do nothing but cut and run, leave this fucking exhibition and my pain for someone else to deal with. But as I heard Aliyana’s quiet controlled breathing beside me, I couldn’t move.
For the first time ever, someone was sharing in this pain with me. A virtual stranger. And I didn’t know what the hell to do with how damn good that felt. I’d vowed to never let anyone in. I didn’t understand why I’d broken that vow with her.
Lifting my dirty hands, I unsubtly wiped away the few tears I’d failed to stop from spilling down my face and turned my back on the sculpture, on the sculpture that was all me. Tipping back my head, I stared out of the domed ceiling at the millions of stars. I suddenly didn’t feel so tortured as I pictured Austin and me as kids, Levi just a baby in my arms. Just a couple of young brothers, best friends, sitting on the roof of our trailer, lying back and watching the stars…
*****
Austin’s little hand pointed up to the dark sky. “Those three right there are Orion’s belt. Can you see them, Axe? The three stars in a row? And those right there are the Pleiades, or the Seven Sisters. But to see all seven stars at once, you have to close your eyes, then open them real quick, ‘cause some of them instantly fade away, leaving only a few left over,” he told me.
I looked to my eight-year-old kid brother as I held Levi in my arms. Austin was nothing but gangly limbs and big brown eyes, a mini me, and I laughed. “How d’you know all this, Aust?”
He shrugged and turned bright red. “I read it in a book at school. I’ve read lots of them.”
“You like the stars?” I asked.
He blushed bright red. “Yeah. They make me feel happy.”
It went silent, and I knew he was embarrassed telling me that. Austin was a thinker; he was smart.
Looking at the sky again, I pointed at a star. “What’s that one, kid?”
Austin moved closer to me and followed my finger. “That’s Sirius, Axe,” he told me excitedly.
His face looked over at me. “You like the stars, Axe?”
“I like you telling me about them, kid,” I replied, smiling.
Austin settled back down, just as we heard our papa come home drunk from the trailer park bar and start screaming at Mamma. Mamma immediately started crying, begging him not to hurt her. I felt Austin stiffen beside me and his breathing changed. He was terrified. He always got scared o
f our papa when he came home trashed. It was the reason I brought him up here, to distract him.
Reaching down, I wrapped my arm round his shoulder and pulled him to my side. I fucking hated our loser of a papa. All he wanted to do was hurt us. So I made a promise to myself to always do anything to protect my brothers.
“Come on, kid. Tell me more.” I pushed, feeling Austin grab onto my shirt and squeeze it real tight as a glass smashed inside the trailer and my mamma screamed out in pain.
With a shaky voice, Austin pointed at a bright star. “Th… that’s M-Mars…”
“Nah, really?” I asked. “Is it made from chocolate too?”
I felt Austin weakly start to laugh beside me. “No, Axe, but it’s red and big, and some people think aliens live on it…”
“Really? Aliens?” I asked excitedly, pulling Austin and Levi in closer.
Austin released my shirt, and I knew he’d managed to block out the beating of Mamma inside and I exhaled in relief. “You see, Mars, it’s made of red rock, Axe…”
*****
And that’s how we got through the bad times. The three of us lost in the stars, the night sky taking us away from the shitty trailer we called home.
Watching the night sky became our thing, until my thing became the gang, my crew brothers in the Heighters taking over my life… and I dragged little innocent Austin along for the ride. He’d trusted me, and I’d turned him into a coke-dealing thug at the age of twelve… just like me.
Austin, Levi and me never looked at the stars like that again.
I missed it.
I fucking missed Austin and the relationship we used to have… one I never got to start with Levi when he was old enough to understand.
As I stared at the sky through the glass, my eyes fell on Orion’s Belt. I couldn’t go there right now. Couldn’t keep thinking of our lives before everything went wrong.
A hand running softly down my back had me whipping around. Aliyana’s concerned eyes were wide as she stared up at me, her hand stilling on my back. I could feel the heat of her imprint on my skin like it was a hot branding iron searing my flesh.
