Jess doubled-over, hands on knees and breaths heaving for the gust of life that encircled and turmoiled her. Shannon came to a sudden stop beside her, yanking Jess up by the shoulders, that wet, unbelievable touch as intoxicating as it had been eight years ago in a warm, dry bedroom.
“Don’t sink to my level,” Shannon said. “You’re better than that. I need you to be.”
“Fuck you,” Jess spat. “How dare you exist.”
She shirked Shannon off her. This was it. The final straw. If she were a camel, her back would be broken, her spirit shattered, and the desert nothing but a graveyard for her tired bones.
I wonder who I could’ve been if I never saw you that day, Shannon Parker. What could she have been if this woman never broke her heart? If she had never been weakened to such a state at such a crucial time in her life? If I hadn’t been left a prime target for who came after you.
Shannon wasn’t the only one to end up with a guy who wanted nothing from her but sex and validation. She wasn’t the only one to move across the country, across the world for a man she knew she would never love as much as she did this one woman.
“Get over it!” Shannon called after her. “I exist, Jess! I wasn’t created to fuck with you! I’ve got my own life! My own shit going on!”
“You’re right. The problem is that we’ve always lived in different worlds. Our paths were never supposed to cross.”
“To be fair,” Shannon quickly retorted, “you’re the one who made our paths cross. I didn’t know you existed until you went out of your way to know me.”
“Thought you were grateful for that!”
They stopped. Perhaps it was the rain drowning their words. The wind choking the sounds in their opened throats. The sudden realization that this yelling was counterproductive and would only serve to scar them for life.
“I’m sorry,” Shannon said with a hush. “For running away and hurting you.”
“Are you?”
“Of course I am!” She snatched Jess’s hand. “Don’t ask me to figure things out so quickly, okay. All I know is that…” Their eyes met. Why did she have to have such beautiful eyes? Why did they suck the soul out of Jess’s body, like they had every damned right? “I feel like we were meant to meet again. Maybe it’s not really fate, but maybe… you know?”
“No.”
Shannon sputtered in frustration before she grabbed Jess by the cheeks and pulled her in for a kiss.
There were many moments in Jess’s life that felt like they were straight from a movie. Meeting Shannon had felt like a romantic comedy up until the moment it turned into a tragedy. But was this it? The penultimate scene, kissing on a bridge in the rain? Would the camera pan out and reveal them getting married on the beach, in the park, in the teashop where they met again?
Why was Jess thinking about that and not the kiss massaging her lips?
She entertained Shannon for two seconds. Two seconds long enough to remember the thrill from that faraway night. Two seconds too long, because the inevitable crash from the summit of Mt. Everest was never fucking worth it.
Jess broke it off the moment she regained her bearings. “Don’t do this to me,” she said, hand lingering in Shannon’s. Releasing her fingers was like blowing ashes into the wind. “Don’t make me fall in love with you again.”
She turned for a final time. The bus stop wasn’t too far away. She could carry her soaked, bedraggled ass on there and go straight home.
“Same to you,” she heard Shannon say before her voice was lost to the wind.
Shannon did not come after her again. By the time Jess was on the bus, she had already forgotten what it was like to kiss the soft, beautiful lips of Shannon Parker.
No. She hadn’t. She would always remember. Those were memories that would rock her to sleep for the rest of her life.
She only told herself she had, so she could live again.
Chapter 16
Shannon
The last of her cigarette disappeared into the ashtray. Shannon firmly crossed her arms and contemplated the last of her salad on her plate. Across from her, Kelsey finished her impromptu call and finally put her phone away.
“Christ,” she muttered. “Sorry about that, Shan. My boss is such a tyrant. I’m surprised she didn’t yell at me to come into the office right this minute.” She sat back and lit her own cigarette. Bless the few restaurants in Portland that offered outdoor and smoking seating. There weren’t enough of them. Almost enough to make Shannon consider quitting. Again.
I had almost quit before Andrew dumped me. Then it was right back to buying my favorite kind and smoking half a pack a day. She had cut them back to only two or three a day. At her peak, she was down to one a day. Then one every other day. Willpower only went so far, however, when her heart crumbled.
Not that she should give Andrew that much credit, of course. The man really didn’t hold much of Shannon’s heart. More like he had a hold on the rest of her. A spell woven when a woman was desperate enough to be taken so she didn’t have to face a single life, let alone… well, alone. Look at her. She had barely made it two months before she was throwing herself at Jess, of all people!
“No worries.” Shannon fought the urge to light another cigarette. That would’ve been too much like their old college days. Two gals, being pals and smoking cigs around campus. We thought we were so fucking cool when we were twenty. Shannon was appropriately embarrassed now. Was Kelsey?
“So…” Kelsey leveled her gaze on Shannon from behind a pair of designer sunglasses, one of her most recent purchases since receiving a raise at work. “What did you want to chat about? You sounded downright fucked on the phone. Andrew coming back around again?”
Shannon wished she had never brought up Andrew’s visit. She wanted him firmly in her past, where he belonged. Hard to get rid of ghosts when assholes kept summoning them. “No. I wanted to talk about Jess.”
Kelsey scoffed, smoke blowing so quickly out of her mouth that she looked like a steam locomotive barreling down the tracks. “What is that creep doing now? Is she showing up at your door? Look, if you know where she’s hanging, stop going there. It’s not worth the drama she carts around with her.”
“She’s not a problem. I’m the problem.”
Kelsey remained silent.
“You know… I was serious when I said she was never predatory or anything. All the problems I ended up having with her were my own fault.”
“Don’t tell me it’s about what happened in college.”
“How can it not be?”
“Just ‘because you caved and fucked a chick in college doesn’t make you gay. If it did, we’d all be queers.” Kelsey hooted in laughter. “We are in Portland, after all.”
“Well, you’re right about one thing.” Shannon already regretted this. “I did fuck a chick in college. I also really liked it.”
“Ugh.”
“When did you become so damned homophobic? Why are you only a bigot when it comes to my love life?”
“I ain’t homophobic! Seriously, how dare you.” Kelsey puffed on her cigarette while their neighbors at the restaurant side-eyed them. “I’m down with the gays, but you ain’t gay, and you shouldn’t confuse yourself. I love you too much to let you do that.”
“How would you know if I’m queer or not?”
“Because I know you, Shan!” Another scoff that could’ve caused an earthquake if Kelsey breathed hard enough. “You’re one of the straightest girls I know!”
“But how do you know? Were you there when I had sex with another woman?”
“Uh, I was there for that threesome you were too drunk to remember.”
“I can’t believe this.” Shannon had been waiting for a box for the rest of her salad, but she didn’t think she could stand to be there a moment longer. She threw her jacket on and stood with no further ceremony. “I know you had a massive crush on me, Kels, but don’t take your jealousy out on Jess. I’d think you’d want me to be happy. Jess would’ve
been if I ended up with you.”
Kelsey dropped her cigarette into the ashtray. “Excuse me, what?”
Don’t front with me, Kels. Shannon had always known that her best friend wanted to be more than friends. She had patiently waited for Kelsey to come out to her, but someone had internalized so much homophobia – particularly toward lesbians – that it would’ve taken a miracle for Kelsey to admit she liked girls. She was so defensive about it, too. Constantly going on about guys she thought were hot, while hiding pictures of half-naked women in her desk. I found them after an earthquake opened her drawers and she wasn’t around. Shannon had regarded it with only mild interest. Sort of like, “Oh, she’s like that? Cool.” Maybe she had sat and stared at those half-naked women too. Back then, she had told herself it was nothing but curiosity. Now, she knew. There was attraction.
“Don’t lie to me, Kels. The reason you dislike Jess so much is because you’re jealous.”
“You’re delusional. I’m not into girls. At all.”
“You think I don’t remember your ex-girlfriend from senior year?”
“What?”
“That girl from your department. The one you thought none of us could hear you having sex with at night.”
Kelsey pursed her lips in horror.
“One time may have been experimentation, Kels, but at least ten times? That I know of?” Shannon could remember Kelsey whispering, “Don’t be so loud! I’d be mortified if people heard me screwing around! You know how I am, baby…” All Shannon wanted was to get a midnight snack from the fridge. “Please stop lying. You’re only hurting yourself.” Shannon shook her head. “Whatever. I gotta go.”
She walked away, carrying with her the most powerful memory from her college days.
***
Memory #16
For every part that was relieved to live out the sexual tension between Jess and me, there was a part terrified of what had happened and what this now meant about who I was.
Before Jess, I had never questioned my sexuality. I was a girl who liked guys. They liked me. Everything was natural and right in the world of human sexuality. I didn’t have to worry about that kind of oppression. I didn’t need to contemplate the logistics of making love to other women. I didn’t have that awkward realization that maybe I loved Britney Spears music videos a little too much. (Something I now remember from my childhood and think… wasn’t it so obvious?) I never had to come out to my parents. I didn’t have to worry about marriage licenses or how I could have a family with another woman if I wanted kids. I simply was. I was the status quo.
Jess challenged that. It was a lot to handle my senior year of college.
I didn’t make any promises after that night we had sex. I was too stunned by my actions – and how much I had enjoyed her presence in my bed. She didn’t ask me for any, either. She was too giddy as she tried to act super cool when she left late that night. I lay in my bed, naked and alone, imagining her kicking her heels as she strutted back to her dorm. I opened my window and smoked a cigarette, decompressing and attempting to figure out what it meant.
My thoughts soon meandered to school. To Kelsey, whom I had long suspected was in love with me and in deep denial about her own lesbianism.
I didn’t love her like that, though. Honestly, I barely tolerated her as a friend. As I grow older, I understand that she was one of those female friends who were more toxic than they were worth. Not just her internalized bullshit she took out on me. It was her general attitude. Nothing was ever good enough for her. She was so hypercritical of herself, of others, of the world that being in a relationship with her would’ve been like smashing my hand with a hammer.
I hadn’t thought of Jess like that, either, until I opened myself up to her more. Her genuine nature had thrown me off. Now I know she was also in love with me and trying to get to me. I don’t know what it is about me. I guess I have magnetism. So does Jess. She doesn’t give herself enough credit. I was attracted to her the moment I saw her at the dorm council party. When she cut her hair a few months later, I had to face that attraction. I suppressed it, like Kelsey had. We weren’t those kinds of girls.
Jess kept her distance after that night. She was waiting for me to say something first, since I was the one with the most to lose. After finals, and right before I went home to California for Christmas, I found her in the student café and sat near her until she noticed me. The glow on her face when she looked up at me made my heart do things I didn’t understand.
None of my boyfriends – older or younger – had made me feel that way. There was a safety to her. One that couldn’t be mitigated if she made love as hard as my exes or sent nothing but naughty thoughts in my direction.
I wanted to kiss her. Another thought I suppressed for years.
We made light conversation about what we planned to do for the holidays and how anxious we were for our final semester of college. It was only during a lull in our conversation, when she awkwardly looked at me and I realized that the elephant must be addressed, that I suggested we meet up the first week back from break.
She had never looked so happy.
We were going to meet right there, in that cozy student café. We were going to have coffee and cookies and cuddle on the couch. A proper if not casual date.
I fully intended to go back. Nobody makes it to their final semester of college and bails so easily.
Yet while I was at home, smoking a cigarette in my old childhood bedroom, I… can’t explain what happened.
The doctors said it was a nervous breakdown. All I remember is smashing up half my room and screaming until my father burst through my door and calmed me with the kind of hold he was trained to use to subdue perps at his security job. My mother cried to see the crazed look in my eye. Next thing I remember, I was in the emergency room two days before Christmas.
I told them the partial truth. I was stressed out about school, about my lack of direction afterward, about majoring in politics when I had realized I wasn’t cut out for it. I didn’t tell them the other parts. Like struggling with my sexuality for the past two years. About shoving it deep, deep down until nobody but Jess Mills could see it in me.
She was the most dangerous thing of all. I could handle Kelsey since I wasn’t attracted to her. Jess? Every time I thought about kissing her or touching the forbidden parts of her body, I could no longer breathe – and it wasn’t because I was too excited to inhale.
After a few conferences with my student advisor and the dean at my school, it was decided I would take the semester off and finish my degree the follower year, if I were up for it. In the meantime, I was implored to take it easy, maybe get a low-stress part-time job or take up a new hobby. Anything but dwell on the things I hated most. My own self-hatred.
I never contacted Jess. I didn’t have her number. I received one email from her a week after we were supposed to meet. Just a simple, “Hey, what’s happened?” I never replied. Until I moved to Portland, I never saw or heard from her again.
I only saw her when I closed my eyes to go to sleep every night. My subconscious knew. She was the one I was meant to be with. Long before I knew anything about fated signs or divining my future.
Too stubborn. Too afraid. That was me. During my hiatus, I took up photography to soothe my nerves. That’s how I met Cameron, a model who helped me expand my portfolio and hone my skills in between getting headshots and getting head. From me, of course.
The easiest way to forget it all was to run as far away from the real me as possible. The more I went out with men, the easier it would be to forget a woman.
Fuck you, fate. I was doing such a good job, too.
***
Kelsey lifted her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. Shannon pulled another tissue out of the box on her nightstand and handed it to her friend.
“I’m sorry,” Kelsey said with a sniff. “I’m such a bitch. Trust me, I know. It’s what my ex said when she broke up with me.”
Shannon kept her
distance on her bed. “I’m sorry to hear that. When was that?”
“Five months ago.”
“When you were dating Trevor?”
“More like Trina.”
Shannon shook her head. “Promise me something, okay? If I stop lying to myself, you’ve gotta stop too.”
“What’s the point?”
“Freedom, I guess.”
“I guess.”
Shannon gave her friend a hug. “We’re gonna be okay. We’ve gotta be.”
“Says the woman in love with someone.”
She hung her head. “I fucked it up, though. Jess is so mad at me for jerking her around.”
“Did you?”
“Yeah. I did.”
Kelsey finished dabbing the tears off her cheek. “If you really feel something for her… well, guess you gotta make it right.” She stood, tossing the tissue into the trash. “I need to go. I have a business dinner I need to get ready for.”
“Kels?”
She turned around. “Yeah.”
“We’re cool?”
Kelsey shrugged. “I mean, you said it yourself. I was mad crushing on you back in college.”
“What about now?”
She looked to the ceiling, lost in thought. “You’ll always be my friend first. I think I’m over the other stuff.”
“That’s what Jess said too. About me.” Shannon snorted. “Guess I’m easy to get over.”
“No, you’re not.” Kelsey showed herself out.
Shannon remained on her bed for a few more minutes, hand wrapped around her Aquarius necklace, wondering how much of that metaphysical shit was true.
It was Sunday night. Odds were good Jess was at the teashop a few blocks away, divining fates and deciphering personalities. With any luck, she wasn’t full of cynical shit after the stunt Shannon pulled a few days before.
Butterflies flitted in her stomach as Shannon got ready to go out. She showered and dressed in the cutest yet most flirtatious clothing she owned. Beneath the peasant top and jeans, however, was a baby pink bra and panty set she bought shortly after Andrew dumped her. To make her feel sexy, she had told herself. Now she knew it was fate she bought a lingerie set in one of Jess’s favorite colors.
The One That Ran Away Page 15
