Kate tried to put on her best poker face. But she didn’t think it worked. It was a good thing she didn’t play poker. She would’ve lost all the money she didn’t have.
‘You kissed her again?’ asked Bryan, shocked and suddenly very much awake as he digested that bit of information. His posture was straight and shoulders pressed back into the hard metal of his chair.
‘Sure,’ said Kate latching onto the out. She took a sip of her coffee, now no longer blisteringly hot, and tried to play it cool. It was better to just let him come to his own conclusion, wrong as it may have been. She didn’t think his brain could handle it if he knew the truth. Her brain could barely cope with it. That was an issue for tomorrow. ‘Lets go with that.’
‘But yeah, to answer your question, I am over it. You had a point.’ He wiped at his eyes and shrugged. ‘Hypocrisy isn’t a good look on anyone. Definitely not me.’
‘Yeah, I don’t think it would work with the hair,’ said Kate, her smile crooked. It was a poor joke but she couldn’t resist. ‘And you had one too. A point, that is. I don’t regret kissing her but I do regret that it hurt you.’
‘Fair enough,’ said Bryan. He rubbed at his sleepy eyes. ‘Fair enough.’
Kate sat. She finished her coffee. And was, if not happy, relieved. She could cross make up with Bryan from her to-do list.
Now she just needed to sort the whole Emily thing out. So, you know, nothing major. But first, she needed to sleep. And wasn’t that going to be a fun and fruitless endeavor when she was jacked up on caffeine.
Fifteen
The End
It all ended at Emily’s house. The place where Kate had screwed it all up. Where she had run away. And fuck if Kate’s nerves weren’t fried. All she could do was hope that Emily was here, that Bryan had been right. She just had to hope her boneheaded friend was right for the first time in his life – the odds were not looking good.
There wasn’t much else she could do beyond hope and try, and for the first time in her life, Kate was willing to do both. Even if it was all for nothing in the end. Even if Emily rejected her. Then, at least, she had tried. And she could live with that. What she couldn’t live with was the not knowing… It was driving her insane. She was bound to be declared clinically mad if she was left alone with her confused thoughts for another day. It felt as if she were stranded on the dark side of the moon.
And, well, if Emily turned her down, she’d survive. She’d survived heartbreak on this scale once before. Kate’s heart felt the phantom pain of Lauren. She felt the pain of a friend, and a lover, lost. Kate for all her pretense of not caring knew, to her utter, utter, dismay that she was actually, all things considered, a romantic at heart. It was her great flaw. Her Achilles heel. But there was nothing to be done about it. She’d tried ignoring it and yet here she found herself again on the precipice of heartbreak. She really was a broken record.
Bryan didn’t drive her this time. Not to this party. But she wished he had. He would’ve been able to talk her down. He would’ve been able to calm her nerves. And most importantly he’d understand. She couldn’t say that about Iuan or Jenny. She loved them, dearly, but they were not what she needed now. They were not calming presences.
Obviously, then, it was those two who had driven her. Or that would be how Jenny told the story, later, when anyone asked her. And if no one asked her? She still tell them. She’d relish the opportunity to dramatize this particular event in Kate’s checkered love life.
‘So, what are you going to say?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, that’s a promising start, isn’t it, Iuan?’
‘Well prepared is our Kate.’ Iuan nodded sagely at Jenny from the passenger’s seat of her car. ‘So well prepared this half-baked plan couldn’t possibly backfire. Couldn’t possibly make an ass out of herself.’
Kate let out an exasperated breath of laughter. Another thing to add to her ever-growing list of worries. She really, really, needed to get out of her head. It was not good for her health.
‘You’re being weird,’ said Jenny, she indicated and made a right turn into a nice suburb. You could tell it was nice – Kate hadn’t seen a stolen shopping cart yet.
‘She’s probably just nervous,’ said Iuan. ‘I certainly would be.’
‘There’s nothing to be nervous about,’ Jenny paused and let her words hang in the air. ‘As long as you don’t screw it up’
‘Thanks guys.’ Kate rubbed at her face in despair. ‘You really know how to make a girl feel better about herself.’
‘That’s not why you keep us around,’ Jenny smiled, her bright red lips curling with amusement. ‘You keep us around because we’ll be real with you. We’ll tell you how it is.’
‘And,’ said Iuan with what would’ve once been a flick of his hair, ‘because we’re fabulous.’
‘And because we’re the only reason you haven’t back out of this hair-brained scheame of yours yet.’ Jenny made another turn. ‘So, you can thank my amazing social skills in your wedding vows.’
‘I thought you said I was going to screw this up?’ Kate really hoped she didn’t.
‘You are,’ said Jenny. If Kate didn’t know her well she would’ve been offended. But, well, that was Jenny. ‘You definitely are. But when you do, we’ll be there, waiting, with a tub of ice-cream, three spoons, and a really shitty rom-com.’
‘And tissues. Don’t forget the tissues.’ Iuan turned around, looked back at Kate, and patted her comfortingly on the knee. ‘You can never have enough tissues.’
‘Weirdo,’ said Kate affectionately. ‘What should I say?’
‘What do you want to say?’ Iuan nodded to himself. ‘Wait—what do you need to say? What does she need to hear? What does she want to hear? You have to think about that sort of stuff if you’re even going to have a prayer of a chance.’
Kate really should’ve taken a psychology unit. It would’ve made this whole interpersonal relationship business much easier. Maybe then she’d be less lost.
‘You should’ve bought her flowers.’ Jenny slowed the car down. They must’ve been close. ‘I would want flowers. Why didn’t you buy her flowers? Or chocolates? Those are both traditionally, “Sorry I’m a dumbass”, gifts, aren’t they?’
‘But they’re so overdone, aren’t they? Doesn’t take much effort or thought to get either of those. They’re not exactly special. Anyone could get her flowers or chocolate. What did her ex get her? Didn’t she get her jewelry? Now that’s a gift. Personalized, too, wasn’t it?’
‘But she didn’t take her back, did she? Even with a gift like that. Our Kate couldn’t even muster up some flowers. So, I’m not exactly loving her chances …’
Kate was ready to get out of the car. It was slow enough. She wouldn’t be seriously hurt if she jumped out now. ‘You two are not helping. Not helping one bit. Why aren’t you helping?’
‘Maybe receiving gifts isn’t her love language? Maybe she’s more a words of affirmations sort of girl?’
‘Oh god,’ Iuan looked at Kate with worry. ‘Then Kate’s even more screwed.’
‘I hate both of you.’
Jenny puled up in Emily’s driveway and came to a stop.
‘So,’ said Kate, trying to avoid the inevitable, ‘what are you two going to do after this?’
‘What, you don’t want us to stay behind and wait for you? Feeling lucky?’
‘I can bus back. It’ll be less painful.’ She looked down at her feet. ‘I’d rather not have to face the two of you if this all goes poorly.’
‘Don’t be like that. You know we only tease because we love you. Stop overthinking this. You’re making if way worse than it’s going to be. Things are never as bad in real life as they are in your head.’
‘Alright.’ Kate tried to fix her hair and got out of the car. She straightened her collar and made sure she hadn’t missed a button. It was now or never. ‘Let’s get this over with.’
‘Word of advice, Kate.’ Jenny rolle
d down the driver’s side window and popped her head out. ‘Maybe don’t start whatever it is you’re going to say with that. It’s not exactly romantic.’
Kate flipped her off. She could hear Jenny and Iuan’s laughter as they pull out of the driveway and left. Now it was just her and the task at hand. She missed the two of them all of a sudden. Would’ve given anything to travel back in time to mere seconds ago when she could pretend for a moment longer, that she didn’t have to face Emily. It wasn’t so much Emily that scared her. It was the chance, that grew larger and more ominous every moment she hesitated, that the other girl would turn her down. It felt, and excuse the hyperbole, as if she were headed to war. It made her want to throw up. Kate was utterly, utterly, cowardly. And it was crippling.
Girl the fuck up, thought Kate angrily. Grow some ovaries. You are a grown ass woman. This should not be so difficult. The worst thing she could do was nothing at all. And she’d done enough of that already. She’d thought herself into inaction. But it was looking more tempting the longer she stood there …
‘Are you going to come in or what?’
Kate looked away from the garage door, and to where the voice had come, so quickly it felt like she’d get whiplash. She was pretty sure she’d pulled a muscle. But that was a problem for later, and didn’t those just keep on piling up?
It was Emily. Kate had never been happier to see her. Kate had never been more scared to see her. It really was a conundrum.
‘Kate.’ Emily looked impatient. It didn’t take a genius to tell. She stood just outside her front door arms crossed and face unreadable. She wore very little – just shorts and a shirt, the same pair Kate had seen her wear to bed. And didn’t that bring back memories? Memories she did not need. Memories that were best kept to late nights when she’d had a glass of wine and was alone in bed, and more importantly, alone. Memories that she did not need now. Fuck.
‘Sorry,’ said Kate sheepishly. She fought the urge to run her hand through her hair and tried hide the blush that colored her cheeks. Thankfully, Emily couldn’t hear her thoughts. She’d only think Kate was embarrassed for having been caught daydreaming. If she knew what the alternative was … well, the thought of being caught out made Kate blush all the more. Things were going well. Grand, even.
Kate crossed the distance between them slowly. It wasn’t that she wasn’t in a rush to see Emily. There was nothing she wanted more than to fix things. It was just, well, her feet felt like lead blocks. And why was her mouth dry? She could swear her tongue was made of sandpaper. When did that happen? Water would’ve been nice. Why didn’t she bring her water bottle with her? Hydration was important. It was key. Things just kept getting worse.
‘What are you doing here?’ Emily frowned. That was not a good sign. Kate’s mind was screaming at her to abort the mission, but her feet kept dragging along the pavement towards Emily. Kate smiled shyly and stuffed her hands in her jean pockets. She didn’t remember Emily looking this intimidating. Why hadn’t she remembered that?
Kate pulled herself together or tried to at the very least and forced out a reply. It came out mumbled and awkward, which was fitting. ‘I came to talk.’
‘And you couldn’t text?’
Kate flinched. She deserved that. But still, the rebuke made her feel small and god it make her feel stupid. Why hadn’t she just texted? Oh, right, Emily wasn’t responding to her texts. She could kick herself for leaving that morning. One thoughtless action and then everything went to shit.
‘I thought it was better to do this in person.’ Kate shrugged and tried to smile charmingly. She was pretty sure it came off more desperately than she might’ve liked. But she was fine with that. Beggars really couldn’t be choosers. Maybe Emily liked desperation? Kate certainly had that in bucket loads at the moment. She could probably fill a small lake at this point.
‘What are you trying to do?’ Emily eyes narrowed suspiciously, and she pursed her lips.
‘To apologize.’ Kate nodded for emphasis. She could do this. There was no chickening out now. It was far, far too late for that.
‘Are you asking me or telling me?’
Emily didn’t sound mad, and she didn’t sound too put off by the idea. Kate was willing to take that as a win. With her confidence bolstered a bit at not being immediately shot down Kate replied with a little more conviction in her tone. ‘I’m definitely telling you.’
‘Alright, then. Let’s do this inside. My neighbors are watching.’
Kate looked over her shoulder at where Emily was staring across the road. Damn, she was right. Her neighbors were watching. And with not even an ounce of subtlety. An older lady’s head was glued to the window, as she peeled the blinds apart to get a better look at Kate and Emily. And if Kate wasn’t entirely mistaken and or blind, she could swear she saw an older looking gentleman who had been staring duck behind his neatly trimmed rose bushes as if that would hide him.
Well at least they could enjoy the show. But at rate Kate was going she would look more tomato than human by the end of this. She quickly decided that yes, indeed, they needed to go somewhere far more private. She’d rather not have the whole world watch while she
The house was empty except for the two of them. It was too quiet for there to have been other people. Kate could hear herself think and that was not a good thing at all.
‘So, you’re home alone?’ The again went unsaid. Kate hoped she wasn’t being too blunt.
‘I am,’ said Emily as she walked past the kitchen. She led Kate over to the living room and sat on the couch with her legs folded. Kate sat next to her, but she kept a bit of space between them. She didn’t want Emily to feel cornered. Or maybe she herself didn’t want to feel cornered. Either way the space stayed. And it seemed huge.
‘Well, what do—’
‘I should probably —’
Kate laughed. Emily did too. All of the sudden the whole thing seemed a whole lot less daunting. Kate felt her courage return. And she wasn’t going to waste another minute. She didn’t know how long it’d last but she was not going to risk it.
‘You go first,’ said Emily. Kate could swear her tone was stranded somewhere between hopeful and cautious. Kate really hoped it would move closer to the former.
Kate swallowed. Just get it out. Let Emily do what she may with all that information. There was no telling where the dice would fall after this.
‘Okay, well, let me start off by saying I am so, so, sorry. I shouldn’t have left after that night. That was a dick move, and I never should’ve done it. If I could take it back, I would. I would take it back in heartbeat. I would take it back without a second thought.’
Kate paused to catch her breath. Emily hadn’t interrupted, or thrown her out, yet so that was good. Maybe she’d be able to walk out of this whole thing with her heart intact—
‘You should’ve called. Should’ve said something to me before leaving. Texting me days later was not okay.’
So, Kate had spoken too soon. She nodded to show Emily she was listening, to show her that she agreed. And she did agree. She could’ve done any of those things, but her dumbass hadn’t.
‘You’re right. Totally and utterly right. I shouldn’t have just left. But I thought you and Sarah were back together.’
‘Why would you think that?’ asked Emily incredulously. ‘If Sarah and I were back together I wouldn’t have slept with you. God, Kate, do you really think I’d cheat—’
‘I was an idiot. I’m so sorry. But in my defense, Emily, it really looked like you two were back together. I don’t know how to put it any better.’
‘How? Explain it to me Kate, because honestly, I don’t get it.’
‘Right, well you know the morning after we had sex? Well I was on cloud nine. Things were great. They seemed great anyway but then I went I had a shower, I figured you wouldn’t mind, and went downstairs to make myself some coffee, because I’m a pretty slow in the morning otherwise but then your family came, with Sarah in tow. I tried to convi
nce myself not to freak out because it’s totally normal for parents to bring their daughter’s ex around for a quick breakfast. Totally normal. Nothing out of the ordinary with that. Nope. Nothing. But well, I may have not done very good job of convincing myself of that. Then, next thing I know, your mum’s asking me all sorts of questions and I keep seeming to fall short of Sarah. Sarah who is just fucking perfect apparently. And it didn’t help that my neck looked like I’d been mauled by a vampire. Jenny’s words, not mine. But she had a point. I wasn’t exactly making a good impression, and then Sarah … well, she didn’t help.’
‘What did she do?’
‘Nothing. Nothing really. It was just, well, I couldn’t compete. And then I saw you with her at the mall. And, well, I kind of just assumed you weren’t that interested in me at all.’
‘Fucking Sarah.’
‘Fucking Sarah.’
‘Why didn’t you just ask me?’ Emily seemed angry but at least Kate was pretty sure, this time, it wasn’t at her. It was more an anger directed at their lack of communication. That was a relief.
‘I didn’t want to embarrass myself any more than I already had. And I did try and text you.’
‘What do you mean by that? How were you possibly embarrassing yourself?’
‘You don’t have to spare my feelings, Emily. I know I was obvious. I could barely hide the fact that I liked you as much as I did.’
‘What are you talking about? Are you mental? I thought you didn’t care– you just seemed so unaffected by it all. I kissed you first. I was the one who made the first move. And then that morning, when you left without so much as a word, I was sure I was right. That maybe you found me attractive enough to sleep with, but that you didn’t really care.’
‘Shit. That is not it at all. Like, you have no idea how much I liked you. It was driving me fucking crazy. Everyone knew; Bryan, Jenny, Iuan they all knew. It thought you didn’t like me. I thought, maybe … I don’t really know what I thought, in hindsight.’
‘So we both liked each other. And we both thought the other person wasn’t interested. That sound about right to you?’
More Than Friends Page 13
