by Ava Harrison
“I-I can’t. He doesn’t know.”
“So, it’s true. You had an affair with Bridget’s dad?” She doesn’t speak, only nods.
“How could you not tell him?” Her mouth opens and shuts as she tries to figure out what she’ll say. Or maybe she’s trying to find a way to not answer at all. Finally, on a sigh she answers.
“I didn’t know for sure at first. I couldn’t risk it. If he wasn’t your dad . . . I would have lost everything. By the time I found out, it was too late. And it wouldn’t have changed anything for me. He still would have chosen her. Chosen them.”
And there it is. Years of deception and lies all based on money and her own wounded ego. I don’t even know what to say. There are no words to comprehend what just happened. I was robbed of my father, all because she was too selfish to discover the truth, and too hurt once she did to make things right. My father is my best friend’s father. Which means Bridget is my half-sister, my younger sister. If I hadn’t been held back, we might not be friends, let alone best friends.
My whole body shakes. Oh, my God, I have a baby sister, and an older sister, too. Every joke I have ever heard—how much we resemble each other, how much we fit—all comes together in a weird cosmic force—or tragedy when Bridget finds out. Because as much as this has shaken my world, this revelation will change everything for everyone. As I try to make sense of everything, I turn to face my mom but she’s gone. She’s left me, yet again, filled with millions of unanswered questions. I hear the front door shut, and I know the chance she’ll ever tell me narrows.
There is only one person who might have answers, but I’m not sure I have the strength to ask.
I find myself walking with no destination in sight, and the cold air bites at my extremities that are exposed to the winter elements. I wasn’t prepared for her answer—or lack thereof. The information swirls in my head, pulling at every memory, at everything I know.
If I tell Bridget, her life will forever be changed. Will she hate me? Hate her father? Will it break up his marriage? I’m in a losing situation. As much as I want a dad, as much as I want to get away from my mother, can I really alter her life—her family’s life—this much? But don’t I deserve a chance at happiness? At having a family?
Each step I take brings me further and further away from where I should be. From lying in Carson’s arms for salvation. Each step makes my mind cloudy and allows the bleakness of the situation to hover over me like a dark cloud waiting to spill rain and tears over my body. I want to numb it, bury it deep inside, reach for a state of bliss that will take all my pain away. But I can’t. I’m not that person, and never was. I allowed myself to enter that world, weakened by feelings I couldn’t understand, but I am and always will be stronger and more than that.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I know it’s Carson. Hours have passed and I haven’t contacted him. This is his third time trying to reach me. The last few times I was unable to form words and sent him to voicemail. I have to answer this time as he’s probably going crazy not knowing where I am.
“Hello,” I say.
“Oh, thank God. You had me worried.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. But when I didn’t hear from you, I thought the worst. Did she tell you?”
“Yes.” There’s a pause but I don’t give him a chance to respond. “It’s bad. Really bad.”
“I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”
We’re both quiet, and all that is heard through the phone is our breathing. Finally, a sigh escapes my mouth.
“It’s a horrible situation. But now I have you. It helps.” My voice cracks.
“I’m coming to get you.”
“No, I’ll be okay, I need some time to think.”
“Fair enough. I can understand that. I’ll be at my place waiting.”
“Okay,” I whisper before pressing the end button and placing the phone back in my bag. I have a lot to think about. This isn’t a case of what to do; more like when. I will go to Sam Miller and deliver the truth my mom withheld from him.
He deserves to know too.
I return to my place that night, even though Carson wants me to stay with him. With everything going on, I figure we are better safe than sorry. From across the bedside table, my phone buzzes. Bridget. A strange feeling weaves its way into my blood and collects in my stomach. The cadence of my heartbeat picks up, but then I let out a deep breath. She doesn’t know. What am I worried about?
Bridget: What up? How was your weekend?
Me: Interesting to say the least, but too much to type out.
Bridget: Problems with Mommy Dearest?
Me: Yes.
Bridget: Can’t wait to hear all the horrid details.
Me: Real nice ;-)
Bridget: See you tomorrow.
Me: Okay.
Even though I’m not lying or even withholding information, it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. But I need to speak to Sam first. My biological father. I need to hear what happened from him, how it happened, and how we plan to proceed.
IT’S A NEW YEAR AND a new beginning. Going back to school after the holiday is a bit awkward.
I’m different.
My whole world moved on its axis, and I don’t know where I fit now. I’m used to knowing glances from Carson, so I’m prepared for them, but I’m not prepared for seeing Bridget. I’ve never gone this long without seeing her. Usually I spend my holiday with her when my mom is away, so seeing her and knowing what I do will be difficult.
From across the hall, she waves and skips over to me. The closer she gets, the more my stomach churns. By the time she throws her arms around my neck and gives me a hug, I feel sweat breaking out against my forehead.
“I missed you,” she says. Then she pulls back and scans me, her gaze sweeping my body. Her cheeks hollow. “What’s going on with you? Everything okay? There’s something different.”
“Nothing. Well . . . I’m back together with Carson.” She squeals but I grab her arm to silence her. “Shh. Come on, we’ll be late. I promise to tell you everything later.”
I turn and attempt to pull her, but she doesn’t budge. I’m afraid she’ll press me and I hope she doesn’t, but then she lets out a sigh. It’s barely audible but it makes her shoulders lift ever so slightly. She nods and allows me to pull her along. With the change in my schedule, I had no choice but to drop into Bridget’s first period elective art class instead of Carson’s AP history class. Since it’s an elective, no one asked any questions. I mean who really takes an AP class as an elective, anyway? My story was completely plausible to Principal Gordon and anyone else who asked.
We take our seats with a minute to spare. Just as I’m pulling my notebook out of my bag, my phone vibrates.
Carson: How are you?
Me: Ok
Carson: If you need me, text. I’ll make it happen.
I know it’s not realistic to think we’ll have a moment alone together, but I know Carson, and if I really need him, he will move Heaven, Earth, and all the stars in the sky to make it happen.
The class flies by and I welcome the distraction. Hopefully, by the time we go to lunch, I’ll stop being so weird in front of Bridget.
Luckily, after the next few periods, it’s almost as if I don’t know I’m talking to my sister. It’s almost as if there isn’t some giant secret hovering between us. Almost. But just when I think it’s past, I start imagining what my life would have been like if we were raised as sisters. We should have been, and it makes my heart hurt that we weren’t. Only by fate and chance did we become best friends. If my mom had her way, we wouldn’t be. The thought infuriates me.
All these years that she disapproved of our friendship never made sense, but now that I know, it’s so much worse. It’s worse than a lie or an omission of the truth, knowing how she tried to separate us. Knowing I have an entire family I didn’t know about is the worst betrayal of everything in my life. I was robbe
d, and a part of me wants to drown the pain of it, but I won’t.
Pacing nervously around the living room, I pull my phone out. Today at school with Bridget was hard, and the urge to drown out the noise is almost too much to bear.
Me: I need you. Please come here. My mom’s in the Hamptons again.
Carson: Coming
Within minutes, he’s knocking at my door. When I see him, he’s sweaty and in running gear. Even disheveled like this, I want him to hold me in his arms and never let go.
“Are you okay?” he asks as he pulls me toward him. I meld my body to him. Sweaty or not, there is no place I’d rather be.
“Today was hard. God, was it hard. I feel like a liar, an imposter. Like I don’t know where I belong.”
“You belong here. With me. In my arms.”
“This is the only place I feel safe these days. The only place I feel like myself.”
“So, stay.” He laughs.
“If only it was that easy.”
“It is. Here, maybe this will help.” He reaches for his back pocket and pulls out a small box. “I’ve been meaning to give this to you for weeks, but with everything that’s been happening . . .”
“Oh, I understand, but you didn’t have to get me anything.”
“It was Christmas and your birthday.”
“We’ve been busy.”
“That’s an understatement. Here, open it.” I take the box from his hand; it’s not wrapped so I quickly pull it open.
Inside the box is a tiny gold ring with three small diamonds in the shape of an open triangle. It looks small enough for a child. Carson leans forward and takes the ring.
“Here, let me.” He slips it onto my middle finger between the tip of my finger and the knuckle. “It’s supposed to represent Vega.” An overwhelming onslaught of emotion pours through me. It stretches throughout my whole body warming me, calming me . . . making me feel complete.
“When we aren’t together, just look down and know, no matter the distance, I am always with you.”
WITH A LOUD THUD, THE door shuts behind me. With Lynn calm inside, I step out of her house to go about my day. There is a lot to prepare for tomorrow’s lesson plan. I look left and right out into the street, but a thick fog clings to the brick and mortar surface of the surrounding buildings. It makes it hard to see, but still, I need to look. No one can spot me leaving. It’s bad enough that her mom saw me here last week. We can’t risk any more questions.
God, it wasn’t a good idea to come, but when Lynn needs me I can’t think straight. Earlier today when she texted and said her mom went to the Hamptons and she needed me, I went to her. No questions asked. Now I realize how dumb we were.
With hurried steps, I move toward the corner of the street to head back to my place. It’s bitter cold, the feel of winter breathing on my skin. I’m only a few steps up the block when I spy that prick ex-boyfriend of hers. He’s coming toward me with his lips turned up in an arrogant grin.
What the hell is he doing here?
“Fancy seeing you in this part of the city,” he chides, ripping me from my thoughts and making my back straighten. “Hmm. I wonder what you’re doing a block away from Lynn’s.” My fists clench, my nails biting into the skin of my palms.
“Why are you here?” I respond through gritted teeth.
“Word around town is she’s having mommy issues. I was thinking I’d like to be the shoulder she cries on . . .” As the words tumble out of his mouth, I feel myself getting angrier.
“You’re delusional.”
“Am I? It wasn’t too long ago I was wiping her little tears, not too long ago she was riding my—” I step toward him, blocking his path on the sidewalk.
“Say another word and it will be your last.”
“Anger issues?”
“Fuck off.”
“Is that appropriate language for a teacher? Hmm. Come to think of it, do you do anything appropriate?” He lifts his brow and I take a deep breath to calm myself.
“Is there something I can help you with?” I mutter. Each word tastes like bitter herbs on my tongue.
“As a matter of fact, there is.” He lets out a breath and then smiles. “See, I’m having an issue with the camera on my phone. The pictures.” His lips tip up further. He’s up to something. What, I’m not quite sure, but the idea of him having something on me—on us—has acid churning in my stomach. “Mind taking a look at this?” I shake my head and go to sidestep him as he thrusts his phone in my face.
“Look at this one,” he says. “Here is one of a student and her teacher out to dinner. Hmm,” he dramatically sighs. “I need help understanding this picture. Is it . . . Maybe I’m wrong, but isn’t it frowned upon for a student and their teacher to have dinner?”
Fuck.
How was I so stupid to think I could take Lynn out and not get caught?
“Oh, this one is my favorite. . . Lynn and you going to your apartment.”
“Did you follow us?”
“Follow you? Why would I follow you? Funny thing about the city . . . It’s a small place. Imagine my surprise when I was about to eat at my favorite sushi restaurant and I see Lynn with the teacher who assaulted me. At the time, I wasn’t sure about you guys. Maybe you were going over an extra credit assignment.” He pauses and I want to wipe his face clean of the smug look. “After seeing this, well, it all made sense.”
“What’s your fucking point?” That makes him smile.
“You’re fucking a student, that’s my fucking point. And not just any student. Your student.” Inhale. She’s not my student anymore, dick. Don’t answer. Exhale. “She really is after some extra credit isn’t she?” He winks and I clench my fists tighter.
Don’t do it. You’re better than this. Walk away. But I can’t. I need to know what his end game is. What his goal is.
“What do you want?”
“To ruin your life.”
“Good luck with that.” I turn to walk away.
“I wonder what the school board will think about you having an affair with a student? Do you think they’ll press charges? Hmm. Maybe when she’s forced to pick up and go to a crappy school after this shit comes out, heck, maybe I’ll take her for another spin.”
Without thinking, I strike out, squaring him right in the jaw. His body flops to the ground. The anger coursing through me is intense. It’s like a raging inferno with no way to snuff it.
“She really is some lay,” he goads. As he spits blood on the ground, I go to kick him, my foot poised to attack, but I stop myself. Instead, I clench and release my hands, over and over again as I try to right my breathing. Finally, he stands and I stalk toward him. He stumbles back until he hits the brick wall of the building.
“You don’t look at her. You don’t talk about her. You don’t threaten her. You hear me? So help me, God, you even think about her and I will fucking end you.”
“You’re done, Blake.” He spits again and then, like the weasel he is, he scurries away.
“Good fucking riddance,” I say through a clenched jaw. I’m still not right. I feel like a live wire. I might be in jeans and a coat, but I find my legs have other plans for me on this brisk winter day. Before I know it, I’m taking off down the block, letting my lungs fill with air. Calming each part of me that’s lit on fire.
Inhale. My lungs burn. Exhale. It’s like glass and fire entering my body. By the time my emotions have calmed, I look up and I’m twenty blocks away from Lynn’s. I stop at the corner, my body heaving. Fuck.
I almost kicked him. It’s bad enough I decked him, but that was a whole other level of anger.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
I’m not sure what to do, but Lynn can’t be affected. I can’t lose control of this situation. I only have one choice. I have to tell the principal. I have to own up to my mistakes. Only then can I spin my actions in a more favorable light. Not that any of this is favorable. But Matthew certainly won’t make this easy on me
if I let him get the first word out of this incident.
I set off for my apartment. Pulling out my phone, I check my texts.
Lynn: Miss you already.
I shove it back in my pocket. I can’t talk to her right now. I’m too angry to form a coherent statement. When I finally get home, I fire up my computer and send Principal Gordon an email.
Hey Barry,
Hope your weekend is going well. I need to speak to you about a pressing matter on Monday. Can we meet in your office before or after school?
I don’t expect a quick response, but within five minutes my phone pings.
Hey Carson,
Sure thing. How about after school? Hope everything is okay.
Barry
I hope it will be. I start to type that, but then stop to consider a better response. Ultimately it comes down to nothing to say, so I simply agree on the time.
Afternoon works. Thanks.
Matthew’s a loose cannon; I’m not sure what his end game is. Does he want Lynn back? Over my dead body. Does he want to hurt me? Bring it. I don’t give a shit, but if he thinks I’ll just walk away, he has another thing coming.
I grab a tumbler and pour a glass of scotch, debating whether to worry Lynn now or fix shit and then bring her into the loop.
No, I’ll fix this.
She’s got too much going on without having to deal with my shit and Matt.
Matt.
He’s a problem. I need to bring him to heel. I wonder what his father would say about this? That’s what I’ll do. One, I have to talk to the principal. Two, I have to talk to Matt’s dad. That should rein him in.
One can hope.
I keep myself busy the next day. When I’m not teaching, I’m doing stupid busy work, but it seems almost futile since I know this is it for me. Unfortunately, Lynn is nowhere to be seen today. It’s probably a good thing. She tends to be a distraction, and with my meeting with the principal pending, having my wits about me is probably smart. It’s still hard to not search her out. In the end, I’m forced to send a text asking her to meet me at my place. She has a key from when she was dealing with all the shit with her mom, and the idea that she will be waiting for me after my future is decided makes me relax some.
