On our way, I explained about Bradan being able to sense trouble coming. I also explained what I hoped to accomplish, which was more than a relaxing game. He told me that he felt something was not quite right and I agreed.
We arrived punctually and exchanged introductions. There were three men and a woman, all about my age. I asked why they invited me and they talked over each other so I could barely understand them. I guess they thought I was some new kind of royalty. As far as my friends, they promised to include them next time. I hoped I wasn't here long enough for another time. I couldn't say what it was, but something about the way they acted made me uneasy.
One was their reaction to Bradan. One man said, "That thing can't go on the lawn. It will ruin the grass."
I responded, "Sorry, Bradan. You'll have to watch from here."
Then it was their objection to our pistols. "Those weapons are not permitted as well. This is a civilised club." Did they think we would shoot them once we lost?
The Captain and I removed our gun belts. I said, "Bradan, take these and find a nice spot where you won't be disturbing anyone."
At home, we would play everyone for themselves, eliminating the last one to each wicket. We put out enough wickets so three people were left competing for the last one. Today we were playing in three teams of two. At least that is what they said. In actual play, it felt more like the four of them versus the two of us.
My friends and I tended to be very vocal when we were playing and I expected to find out more about the disappearances through idle conversation. For these people, the game was more like golf though, observing strict silence. Captain Plumer and I talked quietly between us when we could. I was hoping that I could encourage them to voice an opinion or add to what little we knew.
The Captain and I had different styles. I would try to line up my ball to go through both hoops at once while he would try to get through one hoop at a time. Neither approach worked to our advantage as they waited for us to get close and would force our balls off to one side.
He said softly, "They appear to be sending our balls in this direction on purpose."
I replied, "I have a few directions I'd like to send them."
"I suggest you don't hit your ball back to where they are. They will only send it here again. Instead, hit it off to one side. It is always better to make your opponent come to you. Even in a simple game like this. If we don't do what they expect, they may react without thinking."
"How do we win the game then?" I asked.
"They aren't really playing croquet to win. Why should we?"
His strategy worked. We were confusing them and they couldn't come after us without making it obvious that they weren't playing the game. We smiled and laughed and enjoyed their discomfort. They tried to appear like they were having fun. We could see they were getting upset and impatient.
A few minutes later, I noticed movement in the bushes at the edge of the playing field near the spot that they sent our balls. I motioned to the captain and we watched as two jeebees came running at us. Something about the way they ran was wrong. They were waving around their pistols like usual, but weren't firing them. It didn't make any sense. It also didn't make sense that those people wanted us to be where they came from and that Bradan hadn't warned me about them.
Captain Plumer asked, "What are those things?"
"We call them jeebees."
"How do you deal with them?"
I replied, "I prefer to shoot them in the head from 100 yards. What do you think?"
"How about you circle right and bash that one with your mallet while I circle left for the other one?"
"Sounds like a good plan to me," I said.
I ran over to the right one and swung the mallet as hard as I could at its head.
It said, "Ow!"
Now that was a word I didn't expect from a jeebee. I expected the usual splat that their heads make when shot. I hit it again, this time in the midsection.
"Hey! Stop that! You aren't supposed to fight back."
The Captain had the other one on the ground. It was either on its stomach with him stepping on its back, or the other way around. It was difficult to tell which way was forward on a jeebee. It was flopping its limbs about; but not all of them. These things looked like jeebees, but didn't act like them. I turned the mallet around and started poking at mine.
"Hey! Enough with the stick already."
That was all it took to make the pieces fall into place. I raised my voice. "Okay guys, get out of the costumes."
"We'd rather not. It's sort of embarrassing."
I looked around and noticed that everyone else had either run off or were watching out of sight somewhere. I poked at mine some more before it decided to do what I said. The Captain's took a bit more persuading, accomplished by him stepping on it. The result was two guys wearing nothing but boxer shorts holding their jeebee costumes in front of them.
"Let's go somewhere we can talk. I think our wagon is the appropriate place. Captain, once you herd these two in the right direction, I will get Bradan and join you."
I felt much better with my guns close at hand again, but the sight of those costumes still gave me a sick feeling. They just looked too much like real jeebees. It was getting to be almost an instinctual reaction to draw a weapon and shoot them in the head.
"Bradan, would you take those costumes away? They make me almost as sick as actual jeebees."
One protested, "You can't do that. Those are ours."
I said, "You are very lucky that I didn't have my guns a few minutes ago. All the jeebees I encounter end up with a bullet in their heads."
They quietly handed them to Bradan. The one guy rubbed the back of his head. "You know; I don't feel that lucky. If it weren't for all the padding, I'd have a mallet-sized hole in my head. You're a lot stronger than you look."
The other guy added, "We were at the dance last night and heard you sing. No-one around here sings with that much passion. We should have known that we couldn't scare you."
I looked at them a bit closer, but not that close. "I didn't see you last night. Where were you hiding?"
"We were in disguise. We never would have gotten inside if they knew it was us."
The Captain asked, "Anyway, who are you guys and what were you trying to do here?"
"I'm Luke and he's Gary. We get paid to run around and scare people. We were promised a pound each to scare you into leaving town."
I said, "You don't kidnap anyone?"
Gary said, "We don't do anything illegal. You have to draw the line somewhere."
I continued, "You must have seen real jeebees to make the costumes. Did you kill them?"
He said, "I saw enough of one to make the costumes, but I didn't kill it."
I asked, "Where did you get the pistols? It's not like they hand those out."
Luke said, "Our leader, Tommy, gave them to us. They don't work, but he said that didn't matter. He said the jeebees seldom hit anything and just to wave them around."
The Captain said, "I think we should talk to this Tommy. Let's go."
Luke said, "I don't know if that is a good idea."
Bradan had just returned. I asked him "What did you do with those costumes?"
SHREDDED THEN BURIED
I looked back towards the two guys and smiled. I knew Bradan wouldn't hurt them, but he looked like he could. Gary gulped and said, "Let's take the nice lady to see Tommy."
It was a short ride back into town and the two guys were squirming and trying to hide the whole trip. I knew they weren't going to attempt running away clad only in their shorts. Captain Plumer kept looking back at them though.
They directed us to a small two-story house nestled in the middle of more small two-story houses. I expected Tommy to have more courage than these two, so I asked Bradan to knock on the door while we all stood to one side. A well-built man who looked in need of a shave answered the door with a rifle in one hand. He took another look at us and set it to one side
.
"Sorry... It's not loaded anyway. Please come in."
I addressed Bradan, "As usual, the doorway is too small for you. Please watch out in case actual jeebees are looking for these fake ones." Gerald had mentioned that people tend to forget things unless you remind them frequently. Two guys wearing nothing but shorts could easily forget that we were serious.
I noticed Luke and Gary looking around before following me inside. The Captain came in last, likely making sure we weren't going to be ambushed. Tommy led us into a sitting room and offered me a chair. He pointedly did not offer one to his men.
Tommy started, "Whatever these guys told you were lies. I didn't do anything."
I figured that would be one of his tactics. "So you didn't give them the jeebee pistols?"
"What kind of pistol? What have you two been up to now?"
The two guys started to protest, but I gave them a stern look and they stopped. "Luke, I'll give you 20 pounds each for them."
Tommy was quick to reply. "Oh, those pistols! They borrowed them from me."
I said, "I gather the squire didn't mention what they are worth."
"I don't recall him mentioning that... Oops, I shouldn't have said that, should I?"
I asked, "Does the squire pay well for scaring people off their farms?"
Tommy replied, "We are lucky to have anything left over after expenses."
Gary said, "You are correct there. We barely got enough to make the costumes."
I addressed Tommy, "You swear that you had nothing to do with the disappearances?"
He replied, "I swear. We don't hurt anybody... Well, that's not quite true. Sometimes people hurt themselves running away, but we don't get into fights anymore."
The Captain asked, "Has anyone decided to stay around after you show up pretending to be monsters?"
Gary said, "All of them have run screaming from their homes and they don't come back. We are really scary at night."
Luke asked, "Excuse me, but what about the 40 quid?"
I asked, "Do you know if there are other ones? Jeebees usually hunt in groups of six. If you can get more pistols, I'll give you more money."
Tommy said, "I don't know. The squire gave those to me, saying it would make it more believable if we had real pistols."
Gary said, "I know a place we can look..."
It was a full wagon as we headed out. Luke and Gary were more comfortable with their clothes on, but still seemed restless. We drove past the Manor House to a small cottage built in a heavily wooded area. Gary said this was where he had seen the jeebee. Bradan didn't sense any jeebees here. That just meant there weren't any live ones, for what that was worth. We were looking for the remains of ones.
We spent about an hour searching both inside and outside of the cottage. We weren't finding anything that didn't belong in a cottage. A carriage drove up followed by a wagon. The squire got out along with five burly men. He had a pistol in his hand while the men had canes.
He looked to Tommy and friends first. "What are you guys doing with them?"
Luke replied, "They forced us to come here! They've got that huge metal automaton."
"I'm not afraid of it. Get over here with us."
He addressed me. "At least I don't have to go looking for you now."
Tommy asked, "What are you going to do with her?"
"When we get through with her and her companions, everyone will think the monsters did it. We'll even leave one of those strange pistols near their dead bodies."
Tommy spoke up. "Squire, we can't be a part of this. We don't hurt people."
"You useless cowards! If you aren't going to help, stay out of my way."
Gary said, "I rather like Miss Kelly as she is, even if she did hit me with a mallet... twice."
Luke added, "If you had told us who we were supposed to be scaring, we'd have known to keep our heads down."
"What are you idiots talking about? She's just some nosy woman who's about to be taught a lesson, permanently."
Tommy replied, "You are mistaken. She is a world-class sharpshooter. Don't you read the papers? She's fought alongside the British and Dutch armies and now she's here with the Royal Navy."
"She's not shooting anyone as long as we have her friends... Yes, we grabbed them after services. Roger, bring out our lovely guests."
One man went back to the wagon and brought my friends out, shoving them with his cane as he felt like when they slowed. They looked like they had been in a fight; and lost.
I was unsure now. Gerald would want me to negotiate a peaceful solution. Jim Anderson would have had both guns out and resolved the situation already. The gun on the Clover would have allowed me to pin them to the cottage wall by their shirt cuffs. They were too far for me to shoot with my pistol and too many for my rifle. I looked at Bradan and an idea formed. I said, "Time to test the alarm."
Felix had installed the steam whistle a month ago. It was high-pitched and upset all the dogs who heard it. We only tested it at a low volume then. I wasn't sure how loud it will go. Bradan sounded the whistle loudly now and the sound it made was near deafening.
Three of my friends used the distraction to break free of the men holding them and they ran behind us. The man next to the squire was too strong for Sheela though. I waved at Bradan and he stopped the whistle.
"That was a nice trick, but I still have one of your friends." He grabbed Sheela by her wrist and pulled her away from the other man. He put his pistol to her head and said, "I'm going to ride out of this god-forsaken place with her. You try to stop us and I'll kill her."
I asked, "Isn't there some way we can compromise and settle this peacefully?"
"Yes, there is. You all just stand where you are until I send this pretty little one back to you in the morning."
The Captain said, "That's hardly what I call a compromise."
"Any thoughts you have where I don't leave here a free man, you can forget. Believe me when I say that I will shoot her."
I called back "What are you waiting for?"
He replied, "What? Do you want me to kill her?"
I responded, "I'm not talking to you."
It seemed like the world slowed down for a few seconds. Sheela grabbed the squire's wrist and squeezed. He dropped his pistol. She grabbed his elbow with her other hand and locked his arm straight out. With very little pressure, she forced his head down to the ground.
The squire's men saw him being humiliated by a woman and decided to run away. It shows that with people as with jeebees, once you deal with the leader, the rest stop making trouble.
I looked at the Captain. "Sheela teaches classes to women on how to defend themselves."
I looked back to my other three friends and offered what little consolation I could. I had no idea that they could come to any harm on this assignment.
The Captain asked, "What do we do with those miscreants?"
"We can give that one to the constables. I don't think scaring people is a crime, but kidnapping my friends and threatening to kill them is."
We walked over to Sheela. She still had the squire eating dirt.
I said, "Squire, I'd like to introduce you to Captain Plumer."
She pushed on his elbow a bit.
"Ow!"
I addressed the Captain, "The squire said 'He is pleased to meet you as you will be able to ease his pain'."
The squire said, "God damn! Make her stop!"
"Such appalling manners. Do you have any questions for the prisoner, Captain?"
"I sent two men out to watch over the ladies. What did you do to them?"
"Those two were sheep. We stripped and shaved them head to toe. Then we locked them in with the rest of the lambs at the Burdon's farm."
I asked Sheela, "If I remember your class, all you have to do is put one foot on his back to tear his arm out of its socket. Is that correct?"
She gave me a wicked grin. "If the Captain would like, I can demonstrate how it's done."
He begged, "Please
get her away from me. I surrender."
I said, "Let's talk about monsters first, and I don't mean you. Tell me how many there were, how you managed to kill them, and where you put their bodies and weapons."
When we returned to our airships, Bradan was carrying a burlap bag filled with jeebee pistols and I had all the answers I needed. I told Reginald we were finished here and could leave whenever the navy allowed it.
Darina asked, "What was this all about?"
I said, "The jeebees came here looking for something. The squire and his men killed them. He figured he could scare off the families he didn't like by having guys pretend to be jeebees. He promised to protect the ones he liked so they would stay. It worked until we came along and looked close at the disappearances. He panicked and tried to scare me away. Then he abducted you hoping to get rid of us all."
Bevin said, "So we can go home now? It's not that we didn't enjoy most of the trip, but your work can be dangerous."
I said, "We'll see tomorrow."
• July 23
Captain Plumer knocked on our door while we were having breakfast. I invited him in and offered him a plate.
"You may want to hear what my latest telegram states before you invite me to sit at your table," he said.
"How bad could it be?" I asked.
"Wasting no words, it states we are to escort your airship directly back to its hangar immediately."
"That's really good news. As you know, we have completed our assignment. We don't have to walk home and should we encounter any pirates, we have the navy to defend us. 'Tis not so good for Reginald as he will have to fly back to London tomorrow on those cramped commercial flights with barely adequate meals."
Reginald said, "They aren't as bad as you make them out to be. They just don't compare well with the Clover."
I said, "Captain, will you please sit down and share breakfast with us?"
He sat down and I filled his plate. "Is there any business you must put in order before we leave?" he asked between mouthfuls.
Bevin said, "Oh. We need to return the wagon and horses that I borrowed."
Fianna Kelly Versus the Jeebees: A Collection of Steampunk Stories Page 19
