I managed to spit out a “yes.”
Mrs. Bruen appeared in the bedroom door. “Mr. Schafer just called. He forgot some important files, and he wants me to run them over to his office. But I am concerned about leaving Carol alone. If she should need anythingߞ”
“She’s not alone,” I snapped.
“Is that okay with you, Carol?” Mrs. Bruen called into the next room.
“You bet,” Carol answered.
Off went Mrs. Bruen, shouting a list of instructions: “Keep an eye on the stove. I’ve got a stew going. Listen for Carol. And call Jeff’s friend Spencer. The number’s by the phone. Tell him I’ll pick him up on the way back.”
Robo slave daughter back again. Same girl, different house.
And now, as if everything isn’t just the absolute worst, some obnoxious jerk is blowing his horn outside.
Right in front of my house.
I think I’ll throw something at him.
Some of these tomatoes look just right.
6:05P.M.
What did I do?
A loser. That’s what you are, Winslow. A heartless, brain-dead, selfish loser. The bottom of the pile.
Was it only an hour ago I heard that horn?
Only an hour since I made the biggest mistake of my life?
No. The second biggest. The first was being born.
I should have been born in the year 3000 or so. When they have time travel. So I could slip back in time and redo all the stupid mistakes I make.
Like today’s.
Like when I looked out the window to see who was making that noise and saw that it was Bo, parked in front of my house.
What kind of guy sits in front of a girl’s house, honking away so the whole neighborhood can hear? Why didn’t he get out and ring my doorbell?
If he had rung the bell, I would never have heard him. He would have gotten back into the car and left. And none of this would have started.
I should have pelted him with tomatoes. But no. My mind had to turn into meat loaf. I had to run outside because it was Bo.
And what did he want?
To tell me his real name. The name he couldn’t mention in front of his friends.
It’s Beauregard.
Beauregard Montfort Rollins.
Because he was embarrassed to admit that at school, he had to come all the way over to say it.
And I was moved. I thought he was being so sweet and vulnerable to drive all that way just for that.
So I told him my full name. We laughed. We chattered about all kinds of stupid things.
I must have been there a long time. I sort of forgot about the rest of the world.
Then I heard the smoke alarm.
My stomach fell so fast it made my head spin.
I bolted. I don’t even remember if I said good-bye to Bo.
I tore across the Schafers’ lawn and into the house. The pot was smoking on the stove. Inside it. The stew had become a lump of solid black.
“Sunny?” Carol called.
She was in her doorway.
Standing.
“Get back in bed!” I called out.
I turned off the burner. I almost grabbed the pot. But the handle had melted. So I found a mitt. Threw the whole thing into the sink, and turned on the water.
Bad move. The moment the water hit the pot, it let out a loud hiss and the kitchen filled with smoke.
The alarm was still screeching. And now the phone and the doorbell were ringing.
“Should I call the fire department?” Carol called out.
“No!” I shouted back. “Everything’s fine! Justߞjust go back to your room!”
I opened all the windows. I fanned the smoke under the detector until the sound stopped.
Then I ran to Carol’s room. She was lying on her bed, grimacing.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“You told Mrs. Bruen you’d be here,” she said. “I’m not supposed to move.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I justߞ” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Just what?” Carol asked. “Who was that boy you were talking to?”
“Boy?” I repeated.
“Yes, Sunny. I saw you. Out the window.”
It was an emergency.
An employee of Dad’s.
Someone from the hospital.
The lies marched through my head.
But I couldn’t lie.
Not to Carol. I had to tell the truth.
“His name is Bo,” I said.
“Bo,” Carol repeated.
“Well, Beauregard,” I went on. “Which is what he wanted to tell me. That’s why he was blowing his horn …”
Lame. That sounded so lame.
I wanted to melt right into the carpet.
Carol was staring at me with the strangest look in her eyes.
Fear. Pain. Disbelief. Anger. Disgust. Confusion. All of it at the same time, like flashing neon lights.
Pinning me.
Blaming me.
“So you ran outside to flirt,” Carol said. “With the stove on.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose!”
“Look, I realize it’s boring to look after an invalid. I don’t like being one. I don’t want to burden people. But someone else is involved in this. Someone who is depending on me to stay healthy. Someone whose life has just been put at riskߞ”
“I know! I said I was sorry!”
“Sorry doesn’t matter, Sunny! We’ll all be sorry ifߞ”
Carol sank back into her pillows. She shut her eyes, and tears squeezed out from under her lids.
“What should I do?” I pleaded. “Should I call the doctor?”
Carol shook her head. “No. I’ll do it. Just bring me the portable phone, please.”
8:06
Las Palmas County Park
It is so dark out here.
But people are around.
I’m not scared.
Yet.
Ducky, where are you?
Maybe he’s not coming. Maybe he lied to me over the phone. Maybe he’s disgusted with me too.
Well, he’ll just have to stand in line. Behind Dad, Carol, Mom, Dawn, Mrs. Bruen, Mr. Schafer, Jeff, and Carol’s doctor.
What if he doesn’t come? Where am I supposed to stay now?
Not at home.
Not at Dawn’s house either. Not after today.
I’ll stay here. I can swim out to the island in the middle of the pond. Sleep with the turtles. Dream about this afternoon.
Just seeing that doctor was freaky. He looked so mad.
He knew who I was. Had to. Carol must have told him. The girl who put her life in danger.
He was probably making the first house call of his life. Doctors don’t make house calls. Only in emergencies.
I should have left then. Carol was in good hands.
But I couldn’t. One abandonment was enough.
So I stayed until Mrs. Bruen came home. With Jeff. Both of them scolding me because I hadn’t called Spencer’s house.
Called Spencer’s house! If only that had been my worst mistake. I would have taken that in a minute.
I couldn’t take the expression on Mrs. Bruen’s face when she smelled the burning odor that was still in the house. And heard the doctor’s voice. And raced toward Carol’s room, murmuring, “Oh my god.”
And I almost smacked Jeff when he ran into the kitchen and emerged with the charred, warped pot.
Laughing.
But even then I didn’t leave.
I stood there like a tree, rooted to the carpet, until Mrs. Bruen came back into the living room.
Her lips were tight. Every last Mrs. Bruen-ish twinkle was gone from her face.
“Is the baby alive?” I blurted out.
“Well, there’s still a heartbeat,” Mrs. Bruen snapped.
“Whew,” I said. “That’s a relief.”
“What happened?” Jeff asked.
Mrs. Bruen glared at me. “Why don’t y
ou tell him, Sunny?”
“I’ll never let it happen again, Mrs. Bruen. I promise.”
“What?” Jeff insisted.
Mrs. Bruen shook her head. “No, I won’t let it happen. I was the one with the ultimate responsibility, Sunny. I gave that responsibility to you. I trusted you. But I was wrong to do that. I have to take the blame too.”
“If you won’t tell me, I’m going to ask Carol!” Jeff declared, stomping away.
“I thought you were mature, Sunny,” Mrs. Bruen barreled on. “I never, ever imagined that because of a flirtation you’d put two lives at riskߞ”
“I know! I know!” I shouted.
“You’d better know, Sunny,” Mrs. Bruen said. “Because I’m going to have a good, long talk with Mr. Schafer about this.”
Now Jeff came running back to us. “You left her?” he shouted. “With the stove on?”
“Well, sort ofߞ”
“Even I’m not stupid enough to do that.”
That was it.
I couldn’t take it.
Not another minute.
“Do you think I’m happy about what I did?” I shouted. “You think I’m proud of myself? That I’m totally ignorant about how serious it is? I know, all right? I know I did the wrong thing. I’m not an idiot! You don’t have to keep yelling at me!”
Mrs. Bruen looked like she wanted to kill me.
I could not stay there another second.
I was out the door.
A car just zoomed by. Some ugly yahoo with a stringy mustache leaned out the window and shouted something unintelligible at me.
If Ducky doesn’t show up, I am out of here.
The bus station isn’t too far away. I have enough money to go somewhere.
I think.
8:30
He’s here.
Thank. God.
9:15
Somewhere in the Palo City hills
I can’t talk anymore. I’m all talked out.
I hate writing in a moving car, but I’m going to try it anyway. If I have to blow chunks, we can always stop.
It won’t be the worst thing that happened to me today.
I do feel a little better, though.
It’s all thanks to Ducky.
Ducky, who practically had to scrape me off that bench at Las Palmas because I was so upset. Ducky, the only person all day who has not judged me. Who has not reminded me what a cruel, worthless person I am. Who has actually listened.
The facts, according to D.
1. I was wrong.
But I admitted it.
2. Something bad could have happened.
But I didn’t.
3. The bottom line:
Carol’s fine.
The baby’s fine.
The negative side? A lot of people are mad at me.
The positive side? I didn’t lie. I acted fast. I turned off the stove in time.
I did the right thing to leave the Schafers’. I cooled off. I let them cool off too.
Anyway, we worked out a plan. I have to go back. Apologize again. Calmly, this time. Gently.
Just sit and talk it out. Like mature people.
I’m scared out of my mind.
Friday
4:14A.M.
Dark.
Quiet.
Dead.
The world is off. Unplugged.
Even the crickets are sleeping.
Not me.
I can’t even come close.
Might as well kiss the night good-bye.
The sun’ll be up any minute.
This is turning into a habit. Why is this happening to me?
According to Ducky, everything was supposed to work out. I should be snoozing like a newborn.
I thought I did everything right.
I went back to the Schafers’. I rang the bell.
Mrs. Bruen answered. (She had decided to spend the night.) She didn’t throw me out. In fact, she invited me into Carol’s room.
Mr. Schafer was there, sitting on the bed. They both looked a little wary. But they let me sit with them.
Jeff, fortunately, was asleep.
Dawn wasn’t.
She was in her room, doing homework.
She came in once, glanced at us, then left. No comment.
I told Carol I knew she was upset with me. I said I wouldn’t blame her if she kicked me out of the house.
“It was my fault too,” Mr. Schafer said. “I shouldn’t have asked Mrs. Bruen to come to my office.”
Mrs. Bruen shook her head. “I shouldn’t have agreed.”
“I agreed too,” Carol added.
They were trying to make me feel better. But it wasn’t working. They were making excuses. Like, they should have known I wouldn’t be responsible enough.
“I’m not a baby,” I reminded them. “You should have been able to trust me. I let you down, Carol.”
“Sunny, I’m not going to sugarcoat this,” Carol said. “Am I upset? Yes. Have I lost my trust in you? Well, maybe. One thing about trust, though. It’s renewable. But you have to earn it.”
My eyes were starting to water. “I want to,” I said.
“I know you do, sweetheart. And you’ll get a chance. I just don’t know how many stews we’ll be making.”
I smiled at her. She smiled back.
We didn’t hug or anything. No big scene.
But it was a start.
I offered to go home for the night, but Carol insisted I stay over. So I had tea with Mrs. Bruen and Mr. Schafer in the kitchen. I watched some tube. And finally I decided to get ready for bed.
I knocked lightly on Dawn’s door and pushed it open.
The first thing I noticed was my cot. It was folded up.
All my stuff was back in plastic bags, lined up by the door.
Dawn was at her desk, reading. Not even looking up.
No explanation, not even a hello. Nothing.
The same stupid game. Freeze out your friend.
Almost turned around and left. I was so sick of her attitude.
But I couldn’t back out. I was on a roll. I was feeling strong. My head was clear after talking things out with Carol.
I guess I figured if I could get through that, I could handle anything.
So I opened my big mouth.
It was the first time I had spoken directly to Dawn in days. And I have been replaying our conversation in my head all night.
I still remember practically every word.
“Hi,” I said.
“You’re staying?” was Dawn’s reply. Into her book. Not even a glance upward.
“Well, yeah. I wanted to, butߞ”
“I’m surprised they let you.”
“Me too. Uh, Dawn? What happened to my stuff?”
Dawn shrugged. “I put it out of the way. I thought you were going to do your thing again.”
“What thing?”
“You know. What you always do. Give up. Run away.”
Low. Very low.
I was cool. I was not going to scream at her. That was probably just what she wanted.
Instead, I counted to ten in my mind and said, “Well, I’m here now, Dawn. And if you have something you want to say to me, go ahead. I’m not running away now, am I?”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “Forget it, Sunny. I don’t want to talk about this.”
“No, I won’t forget it. Would you forget it if I insulted you?”
“It wasn’t an insult. Just a fact. Now, will you let me do my homework?”
“Just give me two minutes, Dawn! The homework’s not that important.”
“How do you know? You haven’t done it.”
“Fine. You’re smarter than me. You’re better than me in every way. I admit it, okay? Does that make you happy? Now talk to me. I’m a person. I have feelings. I don’t like being ignored.”
“Funny, I’ve been thinking that same thing.”
“I don’t ignore you, Dawn.”
“No? You haven’t said a word t
o me all week.”
“Only because you haven’t been talking to me. You started it!”
“I had my reasons!”
“What were they?”
“I just told you, Sunny.”
“What? That I run away? Is that it? That’s the reason you’re acting like such a jerk to me?”
Dawn slammed her book shut and turned to face me. “Excuse me? I am not going to sit here and be attacked in my own room. You want to know why I’m angry? Fine. It is because you run away. From everything. The minute something bad happens, you escape. You’ve been doing it all year. First homework. Then cutting a class here and there. Then cutting school. Then that guy at the beach, Carsonߞ”
“Dawn, Carson was ages ago. You knew what I was going through. I had to escape.”
“Had to? Some people face their problems, Sunny. Some people have guts.”
“Like you? Perfect Dawn, who turns her back on her friend? Some guts.”
“Sunny, I bent over backward for you. I was understanding. I listened. I let you stay over. I gave you advice. I was so stupid! I should have known you’d do the same thing to my family. Because that’s what happens, Sunny. When you start being selfish, sooner or later you hurt someone. And you did it. Big-time. To the most vulnerable person in my family. Just abandoned her. You don’t care for anyone but yourself.”
“I do care about Carolߞ”
“Oh, sure, whenever there’s something in it for you. When it’s fun. When she praises you and gossips with you and calls you her hero. Then you wait on her hand and foot. But when you actually have to do something boring and unselfish, like watching a stew pot? Out the door. Out to flirt with some jock while the house burns downߞ”
“I saved Carol’s life, Dawn! Have you forgotten that?”
“No one has. You’ve been talking about it nonstop. But what’s the point if you turn around and put her life in danger?”
“I screwed up, okay? I know it! I apologized to everyone and they accepted it.”
“That doesn’t change what you did, Sunny. You should have been here. You had a responsibility!”
“And you didn’t?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Hello? She’s your stepmother, Dawn. Not mine. Where were you when this whole thing happened? What great, unselfish thing were you doing? Shopping!”
“Why shouldn’t I? There were two people in the house when I left! You and Mrs. Bruen. That should have been enough.”
“That’s always your excuse. Why stick around if someone else can take care of Carol? I never see you taking her meals in bed. Or keeping her company when she’s lonely. Or rubbing her feet or reading to her when her eyes are tired. I’m the one who does those things. I’m the one who was shopping with her when she collapsed. Why? Because her own stepdaughter is never around.”
Diary Two Page 11
