The rest of Lilo Ashby’s words registered sporadically after that. Lily wasn’t just shocked anymore, she was purely, inconceivably astonished.
‘I’m sure you have a lot to think about, darling,’ Lilo said. ‘Do take your time, but we’ll need to hear your decision by the end of next week. Toodles!’
Lily stared at the screen of her phone long after the call ended. All this time, she had wanted a foot in the door into the fashion industry, a spot where she could begin to make her mark and gain ground as a budding designer.
‘Who was that, Mommy?’
This was it, what she had been waiting for. Not Port Landon, and not a flighty crush she had on the man who had become her white knight in a moment of need. Besides, with the exception of a few pretty words and what might have been an attempt at kissing her—which was merely a heat of the moment thing, she decided—Jason had been pretty clear that what they had was simple friendship. Nothing more. Believing it was anything more wasn’t just presumptuous—it was potentially dangerous. To her daughter, and to Lily’s own fragile heart.
‘Our miracle,’ she replied.
She needed to do what was best for her daughter, and for herself. And that’s what the internship offer was.
Her priorities hadn’t changed, even if her heart had.
Chapter 16
Jason
Inviting Lily to the pier had been a spontaneous decision. It was like everything had built up inside him—his mother’s comments, his conversations with Lily herself, his dubious thoughts and feelings about, well, everything—and the only way to lessen the pressure was to see her again. The custom paint job she designed for his grandfather’s car was a tipping point, pushing him over the edge and forcing him to press the buttons and send the message.
He would be at the pier at seven o’clock, with her or without her. Either she would respond and say she couldn’t make it, or she would show. His message hadn’t offered her a choice in the matter, but the decision was hers, just the same.
There was something about the pier in Port Landon that soothed Jason, always had. Especially as the day was giving way to night, when the lights from the boats began to flicker to life, spreading columns of cascading brightness across the otherwise darkened waters.
That’s what the harbor was to him, a beacon of light on his darker days. When things were closing in on him, hurting his heart and tying his resolve in knots, Jason would retreat to the pier. His own simple sanctuary. Usually, he left the pier feeling lighter than when he’d arrived.
He stared out across the water. The docks were filled with boats, thick rope tethering them to the shore, but many were still milling about in the harbor, coming and going at a steady pace. In an hour or so, when the last of the stores closed and the diner turned its sign, there would be more traffic on the waters than on the roads. The pale face of the moon had appeared, though the sun had yet to retreat to slumber. People moved in and out of his peripheral vision, their chatter a constant, comforting buzz amidst his incessant, swirling thoughts.
‘Boo!’ The word hit him at the same time the impact did. Jason’s knees buckled as he let out a loud oompf! The reaction was enough to elicit a delighted giggle from the five-year-old hurricane that slammed into him.
‘You’re little but you’re mighty, aren’t you?’ He crouched down. He stared at Eden as though for the first time, suddenly aware of how seeing her, with Lily only a few steps behind, seemed to free a web of bliss within him that had been tangled and forgotten. ‘You two made it here just in time.’
‘For what?’ Eden glanced around, obviously expecting something unmistakable and over the top.
Lily caught up, her champagne hair and loosely stitched cardigan waving in the breeze that blew in off the water. Curiosity tainted her gaze.
‘To watch the sun go down.’ Jason ruffled the girl’s hair as she scrunched her cherub face into an expression of disappointment.
‘But sunset isn’t until, what, nine o’clock?’ Lily said.
‘Oh.’ The corner of Jason’s mouth curled upward. ‘Looks like we’ll just have to wait, then.’
Lily laughed, shaking her head. ‘Well played.’
‘I thought so.’ He turned to Eden. ‘You ever watched the boats come in through binoculars?’ Jason pointed toward the tower viewer mounted to the other side of the pier. He was already moving toward it as Eden shook her head. With a little adjustment, he lowered the binoculars as far as they would go and boosted Eden up onto the metal base around it. ‘You grip the sides and turn the whole thing,’ he instructed. ‘You can look at whatever you want.’
‘Whoa,’ the little girl marveled. ‘I can see on that boat!’ She unlatched one hand from the steel handle and pointed emphatically.
Jason grinned. ‘Carlie says she can see up the captain’s nose, she’s so close.’ It earned him another high-pitched giggle, one that made him feel buoyant. He suffered the same sensation when Carlie laughed that way, so innocent and unbound.
Lily watched them, amused, as he stepped away and gave Eden the reins. ‘So, do you come here often?’
Chuckling at the clichéd pickup line, he nodded. ‘Actually, yeah. I bring Carlie out here every weekend she’s with me.’
‘Is that why we’re here?’
Her question stalled him. Why did he want her there so badly? He’d been out there plenty of times alone. He wasn’t trying to substitute his time with Carlie. There would never be a substitute for that. And he didn’t usually mind the solitude after dealing with people throughout his workday.
What was different enough that he had felt compelled to have her there, with him?
‘Just wanted to share the sunset with someone.’ He leaned against the railing. ‘I can’t let you miss out on one of Port Landon’s greatest features.’
‘Wouldn’t want to miss that, then.’ Lily matched his stance, arms rested on the wooden rail. ‘How is Carlie?’
‘Ready to burst from excitement about her birthday on Wednesday. I’ve never seen a kid so excited about a cake in her honor.’ He laughed.
‘Wow, only a handful of days away. You’ll go to North Springs, then? I’m assuming there’s a party.’
He nodded slowly, carefully. Jason didn’t want his answer to come out wrong. ‘There’s a party with some of her friends during the day. Natalie’s family’s putting it on.’
Lily’s gaze locked with his. ‘You don’t go, though?’
‘My parents and I will have a little celebration during my next weekend with her. Two cakes are better than one, I always say.’ He tried to make light of it, but he could see that Lily didn’t quite buy the façade. ‘It’s hard to be a part of everything from here when I have the garage to run and people depending on me,’ he added. Even as the words came out, they were hollow.
‘I’m sure if you told your coworkers it was for your daughter’s birthday party, they’d understand if you took the afternoon off.’
She was right, of course. Branch would be the first one in line to kick his butt out the door and send him on his way toward North Springs. ‘Probably,’ he admitted.
‘Everyone knows what Carlie means to you. Your devotion is kind of hard to ignore.’ Her eyebrows raised, daring him to argue such an obvious fact.
Correct again. He nodded.
It was a long moment before Lily spoke. ‘Maybe I’m overstepping by saying this, but perhaps you could talk to Natalie about this?’ Lily suggested softly. ‘I could be way off base, but it sounds an awful lot like you feel excluded from your daughter’s life. Does she know that?’
Jason stared at her. Then, he stared at her some more. He thought about how little he had confided in Natalie since their breakup. No, he thought, she doesn’t. Because I didn’t even fully know it until you put it out there in front of me.
‘I try not to rock the boat,’ he confessed.
It was her turn to stare at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. ‘She’s your daughter, Jason. You have every right to be a
part of Carlie’s milestones and triumphs and mistakes. It’s called life. No one can take that from you, especially not because you and her mother are no longer together.’
He wondered if her solid stance came from years of not having someone else to fight for inclusion in her own daughter’s life, or if it came from not having anyone who wanted to.
Either way, Jason’s truth came from fear, nothing more. He knew that. ‘I am a part of all of that. Just not the way I want to be. But back then, I didn’t know what would happen if I asked for more. I worried about what would happen next. If we have to go to court for custody—’
‘Wait,’ Lily interjected, standing straight as a fencepost. ‘This schedule you guys have got going on, it’s not court ordered?’
Jason shook his head. ‘It was Natalie’s first suggestion when she left, and I just agreed.’
‘You … agreed.’ Confusion marred her every syllable. ‘Jason, why?’
‘Because I was already losing everything I cared about,’ he admitted. ‘I couldn’t have what I really wanted—my little girl at home with my every night.’ He shook his head, struggling to say aloud the debilitating worries he had carried with him for two years. ‘I planned to talk to Natalie about it once things settled a bit. It just never happened. Fear has got the best of me. It might be irrational fear, but it’s fear nonetheless.’ He turned to her. ‘The court system isn’t going to side with a father, Lily. Who’s to say they won’t give me an even rawer deal than the one I have now? That’s a chance I can’t take.’
Something akin to sympathy poured from her gaze. Or maybe it was pity and Jason just couldn’t tell the difference. Feeling exposed after confessing his biggest fear, he wasn’t sure he had it in him to try to decipher it.
‘Jason, you and Natalie … you’re on good terms, right?’
He didn’t hesitate. ‘We are. We both just want what’s best for Carlie.’ Natalie was a good mother to their daughter. He would never argue that fact.
‘And the Natalie you know, the one you see now that the dust has settled on your breakup and you’ve come to terms a bit with where you three are at … would she keep you from Carlie?’ Each word came out soft and gentle, guiding him toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
He paused, allowing himself an honest moment to strip away all the trepidation and anxiety that shadowed his thoughts and judgment when it came to his beloved daughter. As the haze cleared, only one answer remained. ‘No. Natalie has never been that kind of person.’
‘Then, I really think you need to talk to her,’ Lily reasoned. ‘You’ve got to try to work out a schedule that allows you a more equal role. You deserve that. So does Carlie.’
‘My mother would sure love that. My parents live in North Springs and they don’t see her nearly as much as they would like.’ Which was his fault. Another thing he knew for a fact, and that riddled him with guilt and anxiety. His insistence to appease Natalie had drawn lines in the sand that not only kept him away from his daughter, but his parents as well. Because, while he wanted the best for Carlie, they wanted the best for him, which meant appeasing him, no matter how cowardly his requests might be.
‘They just want to be grandparents to their granddaughter. I get that.’
He nodded. ‘Me too. Especially since Mom has glaucoma. Who knows how long she has left to actually see her granddaughter.’
‘Oh, Jason, I’m sorry.’ Lily’s hand suddenly rested on his, though he didn’t register its movement until the warmth permeated his skin. ‘Please do yourself a favor and talk to Natalie. You said yourself she wants what’s best for Carlie, and that includes having you and your family around more often. I’m sure she will understand that.’
He nodded, fixated on her hand clasped around his on the railing. ‘I will,’ he vowed, looking up to meet her gaze. ‘Thank you, Lily.’
‘Don’t thank me. I just listened.’
‘Maybe that’s all I need, someone who knows how to listen.’ He didn’t move a muscle.
Someone like you, he added silently.
Neither did she. ‘Maybe.’
Jason could feel the tingle on his tongue. There was something he should say, some poetic idiom that tied his hurricane of emotions together in a tidy bow and delivered them clearly and memorably. Something he could give Lily that made her realize how she made him feel.
But were there even words when he was this apprehensive about what was going on in front of him? He was stuck on a constant see-saw that had him rising toward the sky and reaching for the happiness he found in Lily’s presence one minute, then falling away from it the next, full of uncertainty that left him shying away from her, despite his feelings. A vicious cycle, leaving him more and more confused each time it repeated itself. He could hardly explain his feelings to her when he could barely admit them to himself.
Jason wasn’t a fool. He was falling for Lily Brentwood. Where he was amidst that fall was what he couldn’t seem to wrap his head around.
Was this what love was really like?
Love. Even the word tasted acrid at the back of his throat. He didn’t throw the term around, and the only thing he was certain of, when it came to it, was that he would never understand the complexity of it.
He reminded himself that understanding something and feeling it were at two opposite ends of the spectrum.
He had never been this completely entangled in his own feelings before, never experienced this kind of roiling emotional upheaval. Maybe that meant he had never experienced this kind of love before. The kind he wasn’t looking for but had found, anyway. The kind that scared him to possess, but was scaring him more and more to lose. He wasn’t good at showing it, but it was there, nonetheless, holding fast and gripping his heart in its fist.
‘Are you going to Cohen and Paige’s wedding?’ His voice came out hoarse. Strengthened by a moment of courage, he turned his hand over underneath Lily’s, letting her palm rest on his. He marveled at how small and soft her hand looked against the backdrop of his rough, callused skin.
She nodded. ‘I was surprised when I was invited, but yeah, I’ll be there. You?’
He nodded. ‘Going to see the reaction firsthand, huh?’
She knew he was talking about Paige’s wedding dress. He had heard the dress mentioned numerous times around town since Lily agreed to make it. By now, it had grown its own persona. People were just as intrigued to see the dress designed by her as they were to see the town’s resident baker and veterinarian tie the knot.
‘Maybe,’ she said wryly. ‘Pessimist or not, I’m still a sucker for a good wedding.’ She gave his hand a slight squeeze before slowly dragging it away.
The sensation of her fingertips trailing across his palm stayed with him long after her touch was gone. This was what he loved about Lily—the way they didn’t need to say things out loud for them to be spoken. The ease with which they existed together. The touch of her hand said just as much to him as the custom sketch she had drawn in her limited extra time.
Lily could feel there was something between them, too. She must.
‘Carlie’s going with me,’ he added. ‘My parents will be there, too, so I figured why not give her a reason to dress up in one of her party dresses and dance the night away. Especially since it’s only a few days after her birthday. Five-year-olds get to go to wedding receptions, you know.’ He nudged Lily playfully as he turned to watch Eden, still scanning the harbor for boats to spy on.
‘I’ll have to keep that in mind.’
‘Mama, there’s a pirate ship!’ Eden exclaimed, practically hanging off the handles of the tower viewer. Her curly pigtails bounced with each jerk of the binoculars. ‘Ahoy!’
Jason chuckled, but Lily bowed her head. ‘Children,’ she choked out. ‘They say what they mean, and mean what they say. Even if it doesn’t make sense.’
‘If there’s anything I’ve learned, Lily, it’s that things don’t have to make sense to be true.’ He was beginning to believe that more and more ea
ch day.
The smile she offered him rivaled any fiery sunset he would see that evening.
‘Come on,’ she chuckled, pushing away from the railing. ‘Let’s go rescue that poor tower viewer from her clutches. And do me a favor, Jason?’
‘Name it.’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘You might be right, but don’t tell her that things don’t have to make sense to be true, or else we’ll be out here till dawn searching for buried treasure.’
***
It was pitch black outside before Lily carried Eden up the front steps of the bed and breakfast. The beauty of the disappearing sun had been lost on the little girl, not only because she wasn’t old enough to see the value in such natural wonders, but because two and a half hours of watching so-called pirate ships in the harbor and making treasure maps on the back of old receipts from Lily’s purse with a ballpoint pen had exhausted her. Eden had been curled up on the bench by the pier, her head on Lily’s knee and covered with the plaid shirt Jason had worn over his T-shirt, for the past half hour.
‘You sure you don’t want me to take her?’ Jason asked, following her up the porch steps. Lily and Eden had walked to the pier, but he had insisted on driving them back to Nancy’s. He hadn’t wanted to wake the girl if they didn’t need to. He also wasn’t ready for the evening to end.
‘I’m good as long as you get the door.’ She grunted out the words, stepping aside to allow him access to the door handle.
Jason swung the screen door open wide just as Nancy whipped the inside door open, ushering them in.
‘Looks like she couldn’t handle the nightlife of our tiny town.’ Nancy’s wispy outfit swayed as she gracefully shifted from one foot to the other, letting Lily pass by. The silky scarf in her wild hair seemed to drift down into the busy kaleidoscope of colors in her billowy dress and robe, getting lost within the patterns. Bright green reading glasses were perched atop her head.
‘I’m going to take her upstairs,’ Lily whispered. ‘I’ll be right back.’ Draped across Lily’s shoulder, Eden’s eyes fluttered but remained closed as they disappeared upstairs.
A Wildflower Summer Page 20
