The difference was that Lily was on the path and actively seeking rebirth. Jason was still treading water in the same cesspool of presumption and small-town expectations.
Lily never meant to hurt him, he knew that. But knowing she didn’t tell him at the pier, that she obviously had been going through the interview process at the same time she casually suggested that she might stay in Port Landon for a while—it all sounded a little too familiar to him. Saying one thing, while planning for an escape in the shadows. Presuming one thing, while turning a blind eye to the truth.
He sighed. He had taken it all a little too personally, and he had assumed too much. It wasn’t Lily who had hurt him, not really.
He had done that all by himself.
Jason clicked the button on the computer mouse. Again. ‘Come on, you piece of—’
‘If you were hitting me like that, I wouldn’t work for you, either.’ Branch’s boots thudded loudly on the scuffed linoleum of the garage office. He headed straight for the coffeemaker. ‘Is this your problem?’ He pointed a thumb at the coffeepot, still half full from the morning. ‘Caffeine withdrawal. At this point, maybe you should just put a straw in the pot and drink straight from it.’
‘Very funny.’ Jason crashed his finger down on the mouse again. ‘This damn computer is frozen again. Third time this morning.’
Branch poured creamer from the fridge into a mug of coffee and held it out to his friend. ‘There’s always been a delay on the invoice printing screen, Jay. It’s your patience that’s the issue, not the computer.’
‘I’m just trying to get some work done.’ Jason set the coffee cup down beside the mousepad. Even the sweet scent of hazelnut and sugar did little to soften his mood.
Pouring himself a cup, Branch raised his eyebrows skeptically. ‘You only do mountains of paperwork when you’re one of two things,’ he reasoned. ‘Ticked off, or trying to avoid me.’
‘Can it be both?’ Jason leaned back in his chair. ‘I’m not in the mood for one of your lectures.’
‘I don’t lecture, I teach.’ Branch leaned against the doorframe, eyeing his friend over the rim of his coffee cup. ‘What wisdom do you need from me today, young grasshopper?’
‘We’re the same age, idiot. And I just said I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Want and need are two different things.’
‘You’re not going to let up, are you?’
‘If the roles were reversed, would you?’ Branch glared at him, daring him to say otherwise. After a lifetime of friendship, there was no question that they had helped each other through some hard times.
Jason let out a long breath. ‘Lily is leaving.’
‘Ah.’ His friend nodded, as though no further explanation was needed. ‘I hadn’t heard that.’
Imagine that, Jason mused. Something the gossip grapevine hadn’t got a hold of before me. He found a sliver of comfort in knowing he wasn’t the last to find out, at least.
‘She was offered a design job in Chicago,’ he continued.
‘That’s great. You and Kait have both said she’s pretty talented. Sounds like she deserves the chance to show the bigwigs what she’s made of.’
‘Yeah,’ he replied. ‘You’ll never hear me say she doesn’t deserve it.’
Branch eyebrows raised. ‘So, that’s why you’re upset and taking it out on the computer?’
‘No.’ Jason leaned forward, shaking his head. ‘I’m not upset that she—’
‘Even though you knew she was leaving weeks ago?’
‘It’s not that. She didn’t tell me—’
‘You’re upset that she didn’t tell you fast enough?’ Genuine bewilderment veiled Branch’s gaze. And when he said it like that, Jason felt the first shards of guilt for being frustrated and hurt in the first place.
‘I guess it’s just that I was with her at the pier and she knew about it. She never said a thing.’ It was the best explanation he could put into words. ‘I thought she would want to tell me something like that. I thought a lot of things.’
Branch mulled this over, taking a sip as he thought it through. When he set the mug down beside Jason’s, still untouched, he held up his hand, two fingers raised.
‘There’s a lot of guessing and thinking in that answer, buddy. Let’s break it down, shall we?’ Branch waggled one finger, eliciting a vexed groan from Jason. ‘Lily waited to mention the job offer. Did you ever stop to think that maybe it was just as hard for her to tell you about it as it was for you to hear it?’
The shards of guilt grew in his stomach, forming jagged, stalactite-like swords that pierced his resolve. He stared at his coffee mug, watching the steam billow upward and tangle in the cool air before dissipating. Jason said nothing.
‘On top of that, you said you thought a lot of things.’ Branch ducked his head to confirm his friend was listening. ‘What kinds of things?’
Jason’s jaw tightened. The moment he said the words, they would be out in the wild and he would never be able to rein them back into captivity. He would step off the steep precipice, unable to claw his way back up. ‘I thought …’ He raised his head. ‘I thought there was something between us.’
‘Did you tell her that?’
Of course not, because he hadn’t even admitted it to himself until now. ‘Technically, no. I mean, I thought she knew. I thought it was obvious.’
‘You’re right. You really did think a lot of things.’ Pulling up one of the vinyl-clad chairs reserved for customers to the desk, Branch sat down, elbows on his knees. ‘You can’t be upset that Lily doesn’t realize you love her when you never told her, Jay.’
‘I don’t—’ Jason stopped himself before the kneejerk denial left his lips. He needed to stop. Stop denying, stop hiding, and stop waiting for the universe to right all his wrongs for him. ‘I won’t hold her back, Branch.’
‘Of course you won’t. You’re too busy holding yourself back to do that.’
Branch’s statement hit him like a punch to the gut.
‘Seriously,’ his friend continued. ‘You’re so hellbent on making sure you don’t get hurt by somebody else, that you’re hurting yourself in the process, man.’ A plea accompanied his words, begging Jason to listen, truly listen, to what he was saying. ‘So you made mistakes with Natalie. We all make mistakes. Would it be a mistake to take a chance and tell Lily everything you just told me?’
Being honest was a double-edged sword; his feelings would be laid out on the table, but at least Lily would know where he stood and what the last few weeks meant to him. ‘I want her to follow her dream,’ he said.
Even if it doesn’t include me. Jason didn’t understand how he could mean something so wholeheartedly and still be riddled by so much pain because of it.
‘No one’s questioning that,’ Branch replied evenly. ‘But you should at least find out what Lily wants, too. Maybe her answer is different than it was a few weeks ago.’
‘Maybe.’
Branch rolled his eyes at Jason’s noncommittal response. ‘Lily can’t make decisions without all the facts, and you can’t deal with those decisions until the facts are all out on the table. You’ve got to be brave enough to ask her, though.’
Was it really that simple? With a start, he realized that it was, and that it wasn’t the fear of his feelings being unrequited that frightened him most in that moment, but the chance that he could let Lily walk away and never truly know what might have been.
‘Besides,’ Branch added, ‘a little happiness would look good on you, and not only when you’re with Carlie.’
Carlie. His reason for everything. ‘She loves Lily and Eden, too,’ he said. It wasn’t until it was out of his mouth that he realized the insinuation. Branch didn’t miss a beat.
‘Good.’ He smiled wryly. ‘Then, that’s all that matters.’
Jason let his friend’s advice sink in. Blanketed by silence, his sigh sounded loud and demanding. ‘It’s so hard to want her to stay and want her to go at the same t
ime.’
‘If that isn’t the definition of love, I don’t know what is, Jason.’
The use of his full name clutched his windpipe and squeezed. Only six months ago, Jason had been the one advising his best friend about being honest with the woman he loved. About taking the chance and being sure that no stone was left unturned in his bid to make her realize how much he still loved her. Branch and Kait had found love after more than a decade apart.
Jason would never know if he and Lily could do the same if he wasn’t brave enough to be honest.
‘Friday, on the pier, Lily told me I should talk to Natalie. See about getting more time with Carlie.’ If he was going to be open and honest, he might as well start now, when it would earn him a second opinion on something he should have spoken of a long time ago.
‘So, she’s not only pretty, she’s smart, too.’ Branch stood, dragging the chair back by the door. ‘Lily’s a keeper, Jay. Anybody can see that. You’ve both got trust issues and can’t seem to get out of your own way, but you’ve got valid reasons, too.’ He picked up his coffee mug from the desk. ‘Reasons are what you guys need. She needs a reason to want to keep our tiny town on her radar, and you need a reason to look past your fear disguised as logic.’
Eyebrows raised, Branch challenged him to say differently. Jason kept his mouth shut.
‘She’s not a mind-reader, and you’re not just someone she’d be settling for if she stuck around. The sooner you realize those two things, the sooner you’ll be ready to try and make this work. And that’s what this is about; not staying or going, but making it work. For both of you.’ Branch tipped his Lakers cap toward Jason and retreated into the garage, coffee in hand.
Jason stayed rooted in his seat long after he disappeared. Much could be said about the way a childhood friend could get through to a man like no other. They had never been the kind of people who said what the other wanted to hear. Instead, Branch—when he wasn’t being a goof-off—said the things Jason needed to hear.
Jason was making mistakes. Big ones. Ones that were being repeated as though history were stuck in a hamster wheel.
Branch was right. Lily wasn’t a mind-reader, and he needed to open himself up to her if he expected the same. Fear disguised as logic; it’s what had governed his every move over the past two years.
No more.
His cellphone was cool against his fingertips as he scrolled through his contacts and pressed the button to make a call. Her voice was polite and welcoming when she answered, something Jason had never allowed himself to notice before.
‘Hey, Nat,’ he greeted her. ‘Can we talk?’
***
A special kind of havoc was reserved for a child’s birthday party. A group of eight young girls, moving as one like an uncontrollable hurricane, emitting chaos and leaving colorful, sparkly mass destruction in their wake, all while shrieking and giggling with complete and utter delight.
To an adult’s senses, it was catastrophe. An impending evening’s worth of cleanup and probably meltdown once the partygoers all retreated home and the birthday girl began to crash from her sugar high.
It was also bliss.
Standing in Natalie’s living room, back against the wall so as not to get caught up in the swirling birthday tsunami, Jason beamed. He had stood in this very spot a few times before, during past birthdays and Christmases and Easters, but those times had consisted of futile attempts to fade into the background, to give Natalie and her boyfriend, Shane, a wide berth. Seen through the shredded fabric of Jason’s heart, he was an intruder in the life his ex-fiancée had made for herself without him, a reminder of how close they had come to embarking on a marriage that undoubtedly would have exacerbated, instead of resolved, their disharmony. He had believed himself merely one of Natalie’s mistakes, a blip on the radar she would just as soon erase than have it continue to circle needlessly, now that she had made it out of the line of fire.
‘It’s good to see you.’
Jason turned at the sound of her voice. Natalie’s hair was short, cut in a pixie style. Eyes as bright and green as gemstones, they glinted as she smiled. It was good to see her too, so happy and energetic.
Two years ago, it wrecked him to have to let her go. Now, through the lifting fog of his own pain, he saw that it would have killed him to be the reason for her to lose that vibrancy he’d once loved so much. ‘You too. Thank you for this.’
Together, they both watched the antics unfold in the middle of the living room floor. Eight preschoolers chattered and chuckled while Disney princess wrapping paper and pink and silver ribbon burst randomly from the midst of the ever-moving pile. Bettina Forrester sat in the middle of that conglomerate, the glue holding it all together. Carlie jumped up and patted a bubblegum pink bow into her grandmother’s hair, and Jason had never seen the woman so full of joy. Across the room, his father, Roderick, tinkered with the ornate cake pedestal, confirming it was perfectly level and situated in the correct position for his granddaughter’s mountainous cake.
‘Don’t thank me,’ she said. ‘I’m just glad we got to talk the other day. I’ve been worried about you.’
‘Me?’ Jason snapped his attention away from the girls to stare at her incredulously. ‘Why?’
Natalie’s emerald eyes grew dim. ‘I know that what happened between us—what I did—it hurt you. I’ll never expect you to forgive me, or to understand. Heck, maybe I’ll never understand why I let it go on so long.’ She waved a hand, fighting to stay on track. ‘This isn’t about me, or about that. But afterward, you … weren’t you anymore.’
‘It broke my heart, Natalie.’ There was no other explanation, and he wouldn’t hide the truth. He’d done enough of that lately. ‘But, believe me, I don’t blame you for what happened. We’ve both made mistakes.’
She nodded, a relieved sigh escaping her lips. ‘I know, but I’m still sorry.’ Her arms curled around her waist, the sequined hem of her tank top clenched in her fists. ‘It was more than that, though. You shut everything and everyone out. I get it, I do. So much changed so fast. But the longer it went on, I was so scared that it wasn’t just your heart that was broken.’ She paused. ‘Your spirit was, too. All the fight in you, all the little things that your friends and family loved about you, was gone.’
A long breath escaped his lungs, leaving him deflated. Jason hadn’t realized Natalie had noticed his shattered psyche, much less given a damn. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to. ‘I guess I lost myself there for a while.’
‘Well, whatever it was that helped you find yourself again, I’m thankful for it.’ She nodded toward the middle of the room, where Bettina was now holding up Carlie’s brand-new plush tiger, roaring playfully and trying to touch her granddaughter’s pink headband with its paw. ‘So is Carlie,’ Natalie added. ‘You’re still good to pick her up on Friday?’
Jason’s throat was thick and dry as cotton. ‘You bet.’
‘I’m sure you two will have a great week together.’ Natalie touched his arm. A familiar gesture, an affectionate one. ‘I’m really glad you called, Jay. We’re glad to have the real you back. All of us. I mean that.’
She drifted back into the kitchen, leaving him in the company of thoughts he never thought he would think. While he had feared he’d held Natalie back too long, stealing the spark once lit within her, Natalie had feared she had stolen his will, leaving him too battered to continue the war.
There was love there, still, even if they were never meant to be. It gave him hope. Instilled a sense of contentment he hadn’t remembered existed.
Whatever helped you find yourself again, I’m thankful for it, she’d said. He was, too.
As Jason’s mother cast a glance at him from her chair surrounded by her granddaughter and friends, her eyes seeing and savoring and taking in everything around her, etching it into her memory to keep it safe and hold on to it long after she saw no more, Natalie’s words collided with ones Bettina had spoken to him only a handful of weeks ago.
I want to see you happy.
He wanted that as well. Happiness, such a subjective emotion, yet affected by so many objective things. Jason realized now what happiness was to him—his family. Every crooked, gnarled branch of the tree. Family wasn’t all straight lines and blood ties, and it wasn’t only who was still before us in the immediate vicinity.
His family wasn’t perfect, but it was all he had. And it was his reason to find happiness and hold on to it, no matter how outlandish or unexpected or downright crazy it seemed.
And Lily made him happy.
It wasn’t something that had helped him find himself; it was someone. Her. She was his reason. All he had to do was find a way to be her reason, too.
Chapter 19
Lily
Lily had been to a lot of weddings in her life, but she didn’t think any of them had ever been planned with such an intriguing mix of elegance and simplicity.
She also didn’t remember ever seeing a dog walk down the aisle with the ringbearer.
It was interesting to attend a wedding ceremony amongst folks she didn’t know well. All the weddings she had attended in Sherman were for relatives and friends she grew up with, people she saw every day and knew how they were faring without having to ask. A few weeks ago, she hadn’t known any of these attendees existed.
Sitting in the back pew, however, Lily wondered if anyone remembered that they hadn’t known her a few weeks earlier. Everyone called her by name as they passed, and no one hid their anticipation at seeing Paige Henley become Cohen Beckett’s wife while wearing a Lily Brentwood original.
‘It’s just as much Shirley’s pride and joy as it is mine,’ she repeated more than once, and each time the person she was speaking with would pat her arm affectionately and reply with some variation of, ‘Oh, honey, she said you’d say that.’
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