The Life We Almost Had

by Amelia Henley

  Should I?

  Anna and I had been so unhappy for so long, in some ways it seemed like the right thing to do but… I wasn’t sure. It was early but her mobile lit up with a text. I looked at the screen and then I knew for sure.

  I crept around the house, shoving things into an old rucksack, praying she didn’t wake. When I had everything I needed, I took one, last lingering look at my wife. I contemplated kissing her goodbye but instead I slipped out of the front door, closing it silently behind me.

  Chapter Twenty

  Anna

  The bed was cold and empty when I woke. The house too still. Too quiet. I wondered where Adam was. I tried to remember whether he’d mentioned going out but we’d barely spoken last night.

  I reached for my phone. There was a text from Ross. It said, If you ever change your mind… I felt a momentary pang of regret but turning him down was the right thing to do. He wasn’t the answer. I didn’t know what the answer was.

  Saturday stretched before me long and languid. It was ridiculous that during the week my alarm startled me from sleep, but at weekends I was always awake impossibly early. I got up. Once we would have relished a lie-in, fingers greasy from buttered toast, tongues hot from coffee and later with kisses. We assumed our selfish time was precious, short. Convinced that before long we would have a Moses basket nestled at the foot of the bed. A toddler to take to the park. Weekends would be spent feeding ducks, riding bikes, cutting men from gingerbread before pressing Smartie buttons into the dough. Bath-time. Bedtime. It would all centre around them, the children we hadn’t yet been able to bring into the world.

  By ten I had showered, dressed, changed the sheets and cleaned out Hammie’s cage while he hared around in his plastic wheel. There was still no word from Adam. I had an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I lit a vanilla candle before I retrieved the bills we had stuffed down the side of the microwave. I might as well do something useful with my time before he came home. The house felt different without him here. For a moment I pretended he was never coming back.

  You should leave. That would make me happy, I had said Thursday night, but would it? I didn’t feel the same about Adam when I looked at him anymore but had my shame, my guilt, clouded my vision? We never used to bicker like we did now. Would we be happier apart? Would Adam? Should I set him free? Set both of us free? It was hard not to cling to the familiar. The comfortable. I still remembered crying in my old cat Pugwash’s fur, reluctant to let him go despite knowing it would be best for him. Wanting him to be pain-free but unable to contemplate a life without him.

  I opened the kitchen drawer to fetch our banking folder. Instead of being under the clean tea towels I had placed there yesterday morning, it was on top of them.

  Unease squirmed in my belly as I scanned the contents. Our savings account book was missing. A chill swept through me. Adam must have taken it, but why?

  He’s leaving you.

  The thought popped into my head.

  I reached for my phone and called him. His photo smiled up at me from my screen. There would be an innocent explanation. Adam wouldn’t use the money we had been saving for our family.

  He wouldn’t just take it.

  My palm was clammy by the time his answer service kicked in.

  He had rejected my call.

  By lunchtime Adam still wasn’t home. I had rung him incessantly. I was driving myself crazy with theories because the fact was too painful to face. Adam had taken our savings book without discussing it with me.

  I couldn’t call Mum. She had taken Nan on a coach trip to the market Nan liked because it sold every imaginable colour of wool. I hadn’t gone with them because I had been feeling so exhausted, but now I wished I had. I was going frantic. After a moment of hesitation, I called Nell.

  ‘Hey Anna! I’ve been meaning to phone you.’ She sounded pleased to hear from me.

  ‘Have you got time to talk?’

  ‘Yep. I’ll just… Oh God, Emily, don’t draw on the sofa! Alfie, stop your sister. No, don’t join in. Chris?’ she yelled. ‘Sorry, can I call you back in a sec, Anna?’

  ‘Of course.’

  But she didn’t.

  By mid-afternoon I was climbing the walls. My stomach was cramping and I realized I hadn’t got enough tampons. I also hadn’t carried out a pregnancy test. Each month I played that lonely game of maybe-this-time. Every four weeks I vowed that I wouldn’t do it again, but I couldn’t help carrying out a test on the day my period was due. Despite the endometriosis, my cycle had remained pretty regular and it had become a ritual I was scared to break, not that it had brought me any luck but because, if I didn’t carry it out, it would feel like I was giving up hope and hope was all I had.

  I used to go to the small chemist at the end of the street. For the first few times the assistant had grinned conspiratorially at me while I had made my purchase. Months stretched into a year and she would no longer meet my eye as she served me. Instead of a smile, she had worn an embarrassed flush around her neck. I had learned never to visit the same shop twice in a row.

  ‘Just these two?’ The gum-chewing girl raised her pierced eyebrows at my contradictory duo of Tampax and a ClearBlue kit.

  ‘Yes.’ I rummaged in my purse for money, hesitating as my fingers brushed Grandad’s coin. I couldn’t remember the last time Adam had given it to me and I wished I could give it to him now, so that he would know that I was thinking of him. Worrying about him.

  About us.

  Abashed, I scooped the bag from the counter containing my purchases and my shame. I carried my failings out of the shop, wearing my inadequacies like a coat. Over the years I must have spent over £500 on tests. There were so many things that we could have done with the money. Our bank account was on my mind again when I spotted Adam. He was coming out of the letting agents, and smiling. He was smiling, looking happier than I had seen him look in months. He had a rucksack slung over his shoulder. What was in there? Clothes? Regret stirred in my belly each time I recalled my harsh words.

  You should leave. That would make me happy.

  Panicked thoughts swarmed. He had taken the money from our savings and rented a house.

  The boy from the bar had left me.

  I opened my mouth to call him but my throat had swelled with emotion and I couldn’t speak.

  Isn’t this what I wanted, deep down?

  If you love someone, set them free.

  It was another couple of hours before Adam arrived home and by this time I’d convinced myself he wouldn’t be back. I had stuffed the empty box of the pregnancy-testing kit at the bottom of the bin, the way I sometimes hid pink wafer biscuit wrappers, like a shameful secret. I had been rehearsing a speech endlessly in my head, telling myself I would be calm and controlled. This moment could make or break our gossamer-fragile relationship.

  ‘Can we talk?’ I blurted out as soon as he walked through the front door.

  ‘Me first.’ He looked so serious.

  Don’t say it.

  He pulled at the collar of his polo shirt and I knew he was nervous.

  Don’t say it.

  ‘I’ve got something to tell you. I think it’ll be a shock. But…’ His fingers worried at a stray thread. He snapped it off. My eyes filled with tears – will our marriage break just as easily as cotton?

  Don’t say it.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Adam

  ‘I’ve spoken to Ross today,’ I said again. ‘Your head teacher?’ I added. Anna knew who he was, so why wasn’t she saying anything? Her face paled and she swayed slightly. I cradled her elbow and led her through to the lounge. I couldn’t believe I had dropped the bombshell on her while standing in the hallway. Sometimes I was such a twat.

  ‘Why? What did he say?’ Her voice was barely audible.

  ‘He said it’s fine for you to take some time off.’

  ‘And I need time off because…?’

  ‘Because.’ Was I doing the right thing? It was too late now.
‘We’re going back to Alircia on Monday.’

  ‘On Monday, but that’s…’ She looked stunned. I couldn’t read her expression. I couldn’t tell if she thought it was good or bad.

  ‘The day after tomorrow.’ I pulled the collar of my polo shirt away from my neck. It was choking me.

  ‘But… How?’

  ‘I’ve sorted it all out. I dug out our passports and bank stuff and everything before you woke so it would be a surprise. I’ve been running round all day. I’ve spoken to my boss, as well as Ross, and we both have two weeks off. We’re staying in the resort where we first met. Where we spent our honeymoon. We’ll be there for our five-year wedding anniversary.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘I know you think of the island as much as me. I saw your phone this morning. You’ve changed your screensaver back to the photo of the cove.’ I took her hand. ‘Our cove.’

  ‘I have been thinking about Alircia. About everything. But…’

  ‘Shh.’ I tucked a strand of hair that had fallen over her face, behind her ear. ‘It’s a chance to spend some time together, Anna. We need it. We deserve it. I’ve got our euros. I just need to confirm the travel insurance policy with the travel agents if I can’t find a better deal online.’

  Hammie rattled his teeth noisily against his water bottle. ‘What about—’

  ‘I called in to see Josh at the letting agents. He’s temping there this week. He’s going to pop by tomorrow and take Hammie to his place. Come on, say yes. You’ve been working so hard.’

  ‘I can’t… Adam, Ross—’

  ‘I know it’s term time but honestly he was great. A bit shocked at first. He specifically told me to tell you that he understands and that he wants you to be happy.’ It was good of him to give me that message to put Anna’s mind at rest about missing work.

  ‘Did Ross really say that?’

  ‘Yes. He’s a good man.’

  She began to cry. ‘Yes. Yes, let’s go.’

  I wiped her tears with my thumb. ‘You said you wanted to talk?’

  For a second she looked afraid. ‘No. Not now.’

  I pulled her close to me. ‘We’re going to have a great time, Anna. It’ll all be okay. Everything.’ My voice was firm, my promises strung tightly together so they couldn’t fall apart.

  I wouldn’t let us fall apart.

  I hadn’t meant to, anyway.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Anna

  The sea was an impossible blue. The glistening waves beckoned to us as they lapped against the honeyed sands. We had landed a few hours ago and after unpacking we’d come out for a walk. The late-afternoon heat pushed us back as we trudged up the slope towards our cove. The place I first realized that I didn’t want to live without Adam. It had become more touristy since we had last visited on our honeymoon. There was a scattering of shops and bars where whitewashed houses once stood.

  ‘Do you think our lock is still there?’ I nodded towards the myriad padlocks that clamped their love onto the fence bordering the beach.

  ‘Doubtful. They’ve probably got rid of loads to make way for more. It’s a tourist attraction. The souvenir shop over there is selling them for ten euros.’ He pointed to an A-Board. ‘Hey.’ He noticed the way my face collapsed. ‘Don’t be sad.’

  But I wasn’t just sad because part of our history had been rewritten. I was also nervous. Scared of the things I needed to say. Scared of his reaction.

  ‘Fancy an ice cream?’ he asked.

  ‘No. A bottle of water would be good though.’

  My mouth was dry, too full of the words I couldn’t speak.

  While Adam was in the shop, I stared out into the distance. A yacht bobbed towards the opposite island.

  ‘Here you go.’ Adam handed me a bottle of Evian. ‘And this is for you. Us.’ He rustled a paper bag towards me. Inside was a lock and a pen.

  ‘Can we do it later?’ I pushed the bag back towards him.

  ‘Anna, what’s wrong?’ He looked at me with such concern. Such love.

  I had to tell him.

  Today.

  Now.

  ‘Nothing… I… Let’s do the lock. Can you write it?’

  ‘What shall I put?’ Adam removed the cap of the marker with his teeth. ‘Adam and Star?’

  He hadn’t called me Star for such a long time. It was being back here, the nostalgia making us feel nothing had changed when of course, everything had. More than he knew. Why couldn’t I just say it?

  ‘I think…’ I took a deep breath of salty air. The sun was dipping over the ocean, burning a fiery red ball into the centre of the sea. In the distance, a guitarist strummed a ballad. I couldn’t understand the Spanish words he was singing but I felt his emotions.

  All of them.

  I had wanted the perfect moment and it didn’t get more perfect than this. ‘I think you should write “Adam & Anna” but leave a space underneath.’

  ‘For a love heart?’

  ‘For another name.’

  ‘I don’t get it?’ His eyes drifted from my face, to the hand I had placed protectively over my stomach. ‘Do you… You’re not…’

  ‘I am.’

  The sun shifted once more, the sky turning coral.

  Suddenly he was crying and I was crying and, although I knew it was impossible, although I knew I was only six weeks pregnant, I swear I felt the baby – our baby – turn cartwheels of joy inside of me.

  It would all be all right. Without the pressure of trying to conceive. The crushing disappointment when I didn’t. It would all be all right.

  It had to be.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Adam

  Stretching my hands towards the sky, I roared, ‘I’m going to be a dad!!’ My elation was carried in the salty sea breeze, lightly touching a clutch of tourists snapping the sunset. They turned and smiled. Sharing my joy.

  Our joy.

  ‘I’m going to be a dad!’ I couldn’t stop saying it. I picked up Anna and swung her round and round, until I was dizzy with the movement, dizzy with her news, dizzy with the responsibility. ‘Oh God.’ I rested her down gently but didn’t let go of her. ‘Do you feel sick? Do you need to sit down?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she laughed. ‘A bit tired but fine.’

  She did look pale but there was something else in her expression. Relief? She couldn’t have thought I would be anything but over the moon.

  ‘But when… How?’ I sounded like a knob. But… fuck. We were having a baby!

  ‘I found out on Saturday. It was horrible keeping it from you. I’m not… I’m not going to keep anything from you again.’ She looked so serious. ‘I thought this was the perfect place to tell you – here was the beginning of the story of us.’

  ‘And now it’s the start of a whole new chapter. Part two!’ I picked up the lock and pen where I’d dropped them on the ground.

  Adam, Anna

  &

  I wrote on the lock before I passed it to her. As she secured it to the fence, I placed my hand over hers, the way I had after I’d slipped the wedding ring on her finger.

  My wife.

  Soon I can say my wife and child.

  A lucky bastard, Josh would say.

  He’d be right.

  Excitement nudged me awake. Anna was still sleeping, her hair fanned over the pillow. Quietly, I pulled on yesterday’s shorts and T-shirt and headed down to the shop where I had bought the love lock yesterday. I had seen the perfect gift for my wife; I just hadn’t known it at the time. When I returned, a purple velvet pouch nestled in my pocket, I was hoping to slip back into bed for a cuddle but Anna was dressed so instead we went for breakfast.

  ‘Can I get you more tea? Toast?’ I asked for the hundredth time.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said again but she hadn’t looked fine. I was irritating her with my constant fussing, but I couldn’t help it. Last night, as she had slept, I had googled pregnancy and learned that the baby was roughly 7mm long and the size of a pea. Next week t
hey would have doubled in size.

  ‘Have you told your mum?’ It only just occurred to me that I might not be the first to know.

  ‘Not yet, but I’ll tell her as soon as we’re home.’

  I had a list of people I wanted to tell: Josh, his parents. My parents.

  ‘This might bring you closer to Nell.’

  ‘I hope so.’ Anna’s face was relaxed. She looked like a different person. ‘I don’t want to tell the world until after my twelve-week scan though.’

  ‘We don’t have to tell anyone until you’re ready.’ I liked having a secret that just the two of us shared. ‘But those Japanese tourists from last night know, and the barman, the hotel receptionist—’

  ‘You couldn’t help yourself!’ The corners of her mouth briefly upturned. ‘But if anything does go wrong—’

  ‘Nothing will go wrong,’ I said, as though the determination in my words could make it so.

  We had waited too long for this.

  My wife and child.

  I would lay down my life to protect them.

  ‘Bugger. So much for a quiet afternoon.’

  It was only eleven o’clock but the closest beach to our hotel, Pacifico, was a riot of noise and colour. Music and laughter. Red and green bunting hung between wooden poles pushed into the sand. A BBQ sizzled the scent of beef. A makeshift bar was laden with goldfish-sized glasses filled with milky pina colada, garnished with chunks of pineapple, straws and pink paper umbrellas.

  ‘Do you want to walk the extra fifteen minutes around to the cove where it’s quieter or head back to the hotel? Lay by the pool instead?’ I asked.

  Culture Club asked if you really want to hurt me.

  ‘And tear you away from free booze and all the terrible Eighties music you love?’ Anna gestured with her rolled-up towel. It was the only thing I had let her carry and only then because she said I looked like a donkey about to buckle under the load of sun cream, windbreak, books, camera, hats, lilo.

  ‘An ass, you mean?’ I had replied.

  ‘An arse more like.’

  We spread out our towels and lay down. I idly trickled warm, dry sand between my fingers.