The Life We Almost Had

by Amelia Henley

  Me. It had to be me in his mind. On his mind. I didn’t think I could bear it otherwise.

  ‘I’m sorry. I can’t help you.’

  Without looking backwards, I walked away.

  By the time I had stalked back to Adam’s bedside, I was raging with anger. With shock. The door swung open again. ‘Look, I’ve told you once,’ I began, but it wasn’t Dr Chapman. ‘You came!’ Even after our phone conversation, I wasn’t sure. I was so overwhelmed with relief.

  ‘Did you ever doubt that I would?’ Arms opened and we were a tangle of limbs, hearts pressed together in a tight hug.

  ‘Adam’s… He’s…’

  ‘Shh.’ Soft fingers stroked my hair. ‘I’m here now. It’ll be okay.’

  And for the first time, wrapped in Nell’s arms, in her strength, I felt that it might be.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Oliver

  Well done, Chapman, Oliver thought. You made a right pig’s ear of that. He had never been very good at expressing himself, sharing his emotions. Clem, his wife, used to laugh at him.

  ‘You’re so awkward!’

  ‘Totally.’ He had grinned.

  ‘Completely, socially inept.’

  ‘Absolutely. But you love me anyway.’

  ‘That I do.’ She had pressed a finger to her lips and kissed it before brushing her fingertip against Oliver’s mouth. He had nodded his head once. A silent acceptance that he knew how much she adored him. That he adored her too. It became their signal at the numerous functions they had to attend where Oliver would feel out of his depth, unable to keep up with the small talk. The politics. The bow tie around his neck feeling like cheese wire. His eyes would search out hers across the ballroom, she’d be grouped with the rest of the wives. She’d press her finger to her mouth and Oliver would nod.

  Their love had been colourful and vibrant then.

  Oliver slotted his Corsa into his usual space around the back of the Institute, next to the bins. A million miles from his old homecomings where his Jag would crunch up the driveway. Clem would have been shadowed in the doorway, honeyed light spilling around her shoulders, greeting him with a tumbler of whiskey and her brilliant, brilliant smile.

  It was Sofia, his assistant, who greeted him now.

  ‘How did it… Oh, Oliver.’

  He couldn’t summon a smile.

  ‘You mustn’t lose heart.’ She knew him so well. ‘There’ll be other patients—’

  ‘I know,’ Oliver sighed. He didn’t explain that his disappointment wasn’t only because after years of hard work he was finally ready to commence clinical trials and he thought he had found a subject, but because the similarities between Anna and Clem had unsettled him. ‘I’m going to get changed.’

  His quarters were cramped. Stuffy. The air-conditioning in this part of the building broken. One of these days Oliver would get around to having it fixed but for now he didn’t mind the discomfort, welcomed it almost. He supposed he felt he deserved it. Besides, he had come from nothing.

  He could live off site, somewhere infinitely more spacious, but he preferred to plough every penny into the Institute. Besides, the tiny lounge that also doubled as a dining room often reminded him of where he had grown up, the kind of place he would probably have spent all of his adult life if it hadn’t been for his brief, glorious relationship with Clem.

  Oliver took off his tie. He rarely wore one but he had wanted to make a good impression.

  It was quiet in this place he couldn’t quite call home and that wasn’t only because of his stark surroundings. He missed Clem tinkling on her piano, humming along to the Billie Holiday tracks that crackled and hissed from her record player. He couldn’t relax in the silence – it was a stark reminder that he lived alone – but he didn’t feel entirely comfortable in the company of others either.

  In the bathroom, he splashed cold water onto his face, closing his eyes against the memory of Anna’s anger. First meetings were always impossible, but still, he could have handled it better. The first time he met Clem had been just as disastrous. Her father’s friend was holding a benefit. His wife had suffered a stroke and he had wanted to raise both money and awareness for brain research. Oliver’s boss, Mateo, had been scheduled to give a speech but at the last minute he had come down with a sore throat and asked Oliver to step in. Oliver had stood on the stage under the bright, white lights, sweat sticking the shirt to his back, his voice a stammer. He had been completely out of his comfort zone and that was before he had even spotted the woman in the front row, sparkling in a sea-green dress, thick dark hair cascading over her shoulders.

  ‘And mermaid’ had slipped out of his mouth before he corrected himself to ‘And moreover’ and the rest of his carefully prepared presentation fell out of his mouth in a gibbering rush. Afterwards she had approached him.

  ‘That was quite a speech.’

  He had waited for a punchline that didn’t come.

  ‘It must be so rewarding to know you’re making a difference. The world needs more people like you.’ There was a wistful look in her eyes. ‘Do you think you’ll ever find a cure for Parkinson’s? My grandfather had it. Such a cruel disease.’

  ‘Yes.’ Oliver had wanted to take her hand. To tell her his uncle had Parkinson’s too and he understood, but he wasn’t a tactile person and so he had tried to use words to reassure her instead, explaining he was confident that a cure would be found in their lifetime. He wanted to tell her about the exciting progress that had been made in understanding the cause of the disease. ‘Can I buy you a drink…’ He had trailed off as she lifted a glass of champagne from the tray of a passing waiter. ‘Sorry, I’m an idiot.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ Her blue eyes had settled on his. ‘Tell me why you think a cure will be found.’

  He had begun to talk. Terminology tripping off his tongue but she had nodded along, asking him to clarify the things she didn’t understand and instantly he fell in love. He had been astonished that she felt the same.

  Clem had been an heiress. There had been much gossip when they shared their fledging relationship. Oliver was branded a gold-digger. He knew what her friends and family had thought about him. The way their whispers dried up as he approached – Oliver, old boy, super to see you – their booming, cheerful voices doing nothing to detract from the suspicion in their eyes.

  Oliver wondered what they would think if they saw him living this way. They would likely take some pleasure in his empty fridge, his creased clothes.

  The concerns hadn’t only come from her side.

  ‘You might be happy now but there’s no long-term future for you both,’ his more forthright friends had told him. ‘You’re a novelty, her bit of rough. You’ll never fit in properly to her world. She’ll grow tired of you, and then what?’

  But for Oliver and Clem there had been no divide, only an ‘us’ that strengthened each time someone tried to draw them apart.

  There was something about Anna that reminded him of Clem. The defiant tilt to her chin. Her loyalty to Adam. Her desire to protect him. He thought Anna wouldn’t let Adam go as easily as Clem had slipped through his fingers. Here one minute, gone the next.

  He knew he shouldn’t, he knew he should go back to work, but he couldn’t help opening the sideboard and pulling out their wedding album. Touching her photos as he’d once have touched her face. He could still smell her sometimes, the heady mix of jasmine and lime. It was as if she had just popped out. He had been left waiting endlessly for her to return.

  Oliver slipped on his white lab coat that felt as much a part of him as his skin, but instead of heading back to his research he lifted a glass from the cupboard.

  Anna.

  Clem.

  He poured a drink, not whiskey now but orange juice. He never touched alcohol.

  Not anymore.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Anna

  Nell didn’t have any of the awkwardness I had first felt around Adam as he lay comatose in a hospital b
ed; she wasn’t intimidated by all the equipment. She immediately held his hand and chatted to him as comfortably as she would perched on a bar stool, sharing her news over a glass of wine.

  ‘So, the flight attendant beckoned the other one over, and whispered “A couple have just gone into the loo together. I think…” The attendant glanced at the elderly lady I was sitting next to and lowered her voice, “I think he’s comforting her.” “Oh no, dear,” the elderly lady shouted. “I think you’ll find they’re having sex. It’s the mile-high club. Are you a member, dear?” she asked me. “Me and my Arthur tried once but couldn’t manage it. Look, it’s my arthritis, you see.” She raised her hand and tried to move her fingers. “I’m not very bendy.” I don’t know who was more embarrassed, the flight attendant or the couple when they came out of the loo to find everyone staring at them.’ Nell laughed. ‘Anyway. Alircia again! It’s gorgeous outside. You’re looking rather pale there, Adam. You want to haul your lazy arse out of bed and get out into the sun.’ She told him the football results – I hadn’t thought to do that – and finished by saying that she was stealing me away for a while. ‘I’ll look after her, and bring her back soon.’ She planted a kiss on his forehead.

  Nell looked so tired as she picked up her suitcase. She had dropped everything for me, the way she had when I had been dumped all those years ago. Despite the distance that had grown between us, she was here.

  She was always here without question or judgement.

  ‘Is there somewhere we can talk?’ she asked, and I nodded. It wasn’t only Adam we needed to discuss.

  At the hotel, Nell dumped her stuff in our apartment and then we headed to the restaurant for a late lunch. The buffet tables were groaning under the weight of the food. I wandered aimlessly, empty plate in hand, not quite sure what I could stomach.

  ‘Go and sit,’ Nell insisted. ‘I’ll bring you over some bits to pick on.’

  At the next table, a baby banged his plastic spoon on the tray of his highchair. All at once the emotion of the past few days caught up with me and I began to cry so hard, I didn’t think I’d ever stop.

  ‘Anna?’ Nell set the plates on the table. ‘Let’s go back to the apartment.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said once I was settled on the brown chequered sofa in the open-plan living area. Nell opened the fridge, the lone ‘I love Alircia’ magnet slipping as she pulled a bottle of water from the door.

  ‘No need to apologize, God, I’d—’

  ‘It was seeing that baby.’ Fresh tears spilled. ‘I… I was pregnant.’

  ‘Pregnant? Wait. What? Was?’ Nell wiped my eyes with a tissue.

  ‘I only found out just before we came here. I was going to tell you when we got home but… but…’

  ‘Oh, Anna.’ Nell pulled me close to her. I allowed myself to break apart once more. It had been so hard trying to hold myself together. ‘I had no idea you were trying again.’

  This made me cry harder. I used to share everything with Nell but I had lied to her. ‘We never stopped trying.’ I couldn’t look at her. I knew I would see confusion and hurt, but it was the guilt that would be on her face because she’d had two children effortlessly while I had still been trying for one, that I couldn’t bear to witness.

  ‘You mean… I thought… Christ, Anna. All this time? Five years?’

  ‘Yes.’

  She was stunned, her mouth hanging open while she rummaged for words. ‘But… but then you fell pregnant. Naturally?’

  ‘Yes. I’d only just told Adam. What will he think when he wakes up?’

  ‘He’ll feel much the same as I imagine you feel right now. Devastated.’

  ‘What if…’ My voice was hoarse. ‘What if it was my fault?’ I covered my face.

  ‘Anna.’ Nell lowered my hands. ‘What happened on the yacht wasn’t your fault.’

  ‘I’m not talking about that.’ I was so ashamed, I couldn’t look at her. ‘I drank alcohol, Nell. We shared a bottle of Malbec a few days before I found out I was pregnant and then I had a couple of glasses of Merlot in the pub.’

  ‘Oh, sweetie. That wouldn’t be the cause of this. Haven’t you talked to a doctor?’

  ‘She said…’ I sniffed. ‘That it’s unfortunate but these things happen.’

  ‘It’s so sad but they do. There often isn’t a reason.’

  ‘It’s not just the alcohol.’ I couldn’t decide whether to tell her. She waited. Her fingers linked through mine. ‘I… I kissed someone else, Nell. I thought I didn’t want Adam anymore.’

  If she was shocked, she didn’t show it. ‘A kiss wouldn’t cause you to miscarry.’

  ‘But it feels like a punishment. The baby. The accident. The universe leaving me alone like I thought I wanted but… Nell, I wanted this baby so badly. I want Adam back. I love him so much.’

  She let me cry it out until my chest was hot and my eyes so swollen I could barely see. Outside of the window, there was laughter and chatter. Two small children carrying a giant inflatable flamingo headed towards the beach.

  I blew my nose. ‘When I had the results of my laparoscopy, I came to tell you but Chris let it slip you were pregnant. I was so shocked. Sad you hadn’t told me and, if I’m honest, envious. I wanted to confide in you but didn’t think you’d have understood. When you joined all those clubs with the other mums I felt so left out, it was easier to see you less. Tell you I was busy with my career but it wasn’t that. It was never that.’

  ‘You should have told me.’

  ‘I know, but I didn’t want you to feel any sort of guilt that you had achieved what I couldn’t. And… and because I was ashamed. I felt less of a woman. Less than you.’

  Nell held my hand tightly, her forehead creased in sorrow, tears pooling in her eyes. ‘You must have hated me. I did nothing but complain when I was pregnant; fed up with feeling my body wasn’t mine. Bitching about the cost of babies. My lack of sleep. The last few years my entire world has revolved around the kids.’

  ‘As it should.’

  ‘And I envied you.’

  ‘You envied me? Why?’

  ‘I haven’t slept through the night in five years. Alfie wakes at ridiculous o’clock and thinks it’s great fun to come and jump on our bed. Emily won’t be left alone for a second. I can’t remember the last time I had a poo in peace. It comes to the weekend and Chris is exhausted from all the overtime he’s put in, but he has to help out with the kids because, quite frankly, I’m not coping, and I would keep thinking lucky Anna and Adam can lie in bed in peace, go to the pub for lunch, eat a meal before it goes cold. I can’t because somebody else’s needs always come before mine. I look at Chris sometimes and think he didn’t sign up for this, and I question whether he’d rather be with someone else. Anyone else who isn’t always covered in baby sick and…’

  Now Nell was crying.

  ‘Don’t think that. He loves you so much.’

  ‘I can’t help it.’ She wiped her eyes.

  ‘I feel the same. We’d come to yours and I’d see Adam on the floor, playing with Alfie and Emily, and Adam would smile at you and I’d think is he wishing he’d ended up with you instead of me? That he picked the wrong girl that day on the beach.’

  ‘You must never think that. I’ve never seen anyone more right for each other than you two. Who did you kiss?’

  ‘My boss, Ross. Just once. I’ve been an idiot but I’ve lost a part of myself since I got married. Ross gave me a chance of reinvention. Adam knows me so well. Too well. He knows what I really want and… it’s been hard, you know? Watching him with your kids. He would have been an amazing dad.’

  ‘He will be an amazing dad.’

  ‘One day.’ I touched the wooden table for luck. ‘I’m so sorry we’ve drifted apart, Nell. I had no idea you weren’t happy either.’

  ‘The grass is greener and all that bollocks.’ Her eyes were red-rimmed, the same as mine must be. ‘I’ve missed you.’

  ‘I’ve missed you too.’ I opened my arms and we hugged fo
r the longest time.

  Later, Nell headed out in search of food, returning with plates piled high with egg and chips. ‘All that sharing has made me hungry. Though you could use some carbs and protein.’

  After a few mouthfuls I put down my knife and fork but she encouraged me to keep eating, placing some egg onto my fork.

  ‘I might have to do this in the future,’ I said quietly.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Feed Adam, if he… if he wakes up and he isn’t the same.’

  ‘Don’t think like that. Bloody doctors always have to prepare you for the worst.’

  Dejectedly, I pushed my plate away. Nell slid it back in front of me.

  ‘One more bit of egg, Anna,’ she said. ‘You need the nutrients. God, I’ve turned into my mother. Speaking of mothers…’

  ‘I know.’ I haven’t yet told mine what has happened. ‘I’ll ring her later. I haven’t been up to telling her, knowing she’ll cry and then I’ll cry.’

  ‘Yes. And then you’ll feel terrible that she’s so worried about you. But we do worry about you. I know Adam’s the one in the hospital bed but that’s just left you with all the practical worries and now you’ve told me about the baby—’

  ‘I’m not going to tell her about the miscarriage. Please don’t tell anyone. Do you think I should tell Adam while he’s…?’

  ‘Do you think he can hear you?’

  ‘I don’t know. I met a man earlier, Oliver Chapman from The Chapman Institute for Brain Science. He seems to think that if there’s anything going on inside Adam’s mind he can uncover it.’ I recounted our conversation.

  ‘Hmm. It might be worth hearing him out.’

  ‘Don’t you think it sounds a bit…’ I chewed the sore skin around my thumbnail. Should I have listened properly to Oliver? ‘I couldn’t take it in. I couldn’t make him out either. He seemed more uncomfortable than I was.’

  ‘I think scientists are perhaps a bit strange. They probably spend more time with test tubes than actual people. Let’s google him.’ Nell fetched her iPad from her hand luggage. ‘Right.’ She angled the screen so we could both see the results. There was a myriad of links to research studies and this gave me hope that perhaps Oliver was credible. Perhaps he could help me and Adam.