by Gabi Moore
But she squeezed her legs shut and smiled that same awful, tight-lipped smile and said, “it’s OK, I’m not really in the mood anyway.”
“Was I too …was that too rough?” I asked, my cock rapidly deflating.
She wriggled off of me and reached for her shirt again.
“It’s nothing, I already said. I told you I like it rough like that, really …I’m just not in the mood for that right now.”
I kissed her a little more after that, but then we both kind of drifted off from each other. Eventually she asked when I was going to go home.
“Home? Uh, I guess now,” I said.
I had stayed the night before, why couldn’t I stay now? She nodded and busied herself with the animals again.
I left soon after.
Chapter Seventeen – Madeleine
I lit the match and tried to find that thin ribbon of hot air floating above it. Tried to breathe in the light. It was getting late, a good few hours past midnight, but whatever. Tomorrow would come no matter what I did.
The flame wiggled and danced between my cupped hands as it burned its slow way down the matchstick. It reached the bottom and I blew it out and lit another. My spell wasn’t working tonight. I flicked it aside and plunged myself into darkness again.
It’s not that I was scared of him. I wasn’t.
But this was all going too fast. It was pretty inconvenient, actually, that I turned into some sex-starved animal whenever he touched me. I let myself go in ways I never knew I needed to until I met him. He fucked me so hard and deep and kissed me so passionately he shook strange things loose inside. Things I had badly needed to be shaken loose. But now, here he was, telling me about a past that just didn’t match up with his sweet blue eyes, or that wild curly blonde hair of his.
The story seemed strange, too. Was I missing something? Was that a story that really made any sense?
I had gone through all the therapy a person can be expected to go through. I had been putting healthy boundaries up between me and Alex, and I had felt, really felt, that I was getting stronger and more confident about myself. I’d lost a little bit of weight lately, I felt happier and work at the clinic didn’t weight so heavily on me anymore.
So why did I feel so apprehensive? Was he about to ruin it all for me? After all, it was exactly my style to cut contact with one noxious man …and then race into the arms of another. But I didn’t have it in me to do that again. My bruises had healed but I couldn’t do that again. No more. I couldn’t risk opening up to a man who could …I didn’t even want to think of it.
But had I already gone too far?
For someone who was supposedly overcoming abuse, I seemed to like some dark things. I had pushed my body back into him, hadn’t I? I had egged him on, relishing the feeling of his hand teasing round my throat when we had sex, encouraging him to be even rougher…I had felt a sick pride to see how red my skin would be after we’d been together.
Was I the problem?
I exhaled loudly and went to the bedroom. I was exhausted. I started to change into my pajamas and get ready for bed when I heard my phone beep. It was usually a happy sound for me. The sound of a message from Zack, and like a dog I was used to salivating every time I saw that little icon and his name pop up on my screen.
I rummaged for my phone and stared at it in the dim light of the room.
Alex: You’re right. I’m selfish. I know it’s unfair to keep hounding you to forgive me. I’ll carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life. But I did mean it when I said I wanted you in my life still. As friends. Please consider it. I’m sorry.
I held the phone in my hands for a moment and thought. If it was any later I would have assumed I was dreaming. Alex was a devil. But he was, if you’ll pardon the expression, a devil I knew. Though I had gone further with Zack than I had with any man, he still felt new and scary to me. And at that point, I didn’t know which was worse – embarking on a new relationship with someone who was a potential abuser …or embarking on a relationship with someone who treated me with nothing but love and respect. At the very least, I knew how to do the former.
Maddy: I’ll always be your friend, Alex.
I hit send and imagined my words flitting off over the ether to him, wherever he was. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt for leaving him with that big, stupid restaurant bill. The response was almost instant.
Alex: Can I call you?
The phone felt warm and strange in my hand. Like I was holding Alex himself, only a small and glowing version of him.
Maddy: Sure.
It was only a few moments before the phone was buzzing and flashing in my hands. I answered.
“I’m sorry for leaving you with that bill,” I said. I heard him laugh on the other side.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s just money” he said. The line went quiet.
In the dark, with just his disembodied voice coming from the phone, I felt safe for a second. I climbed into bed and curled up, cupping the phone to my ear as I tucked myself in.
“Alex, this is fucked up. I’m so tired. This can’t go on anymore. I need to let go now. And I need you to let go of me,” I said.
They were strange words, intimate words that seemed to come from somewhere far off outside of me. The second I spoke them I imagined the outpouring of rage he’d respond with, of his insults and venom. How he’d tell me it was all my fault, that we were only on a break anyway, that I owed him, that I was disgusting, that I was the fucked up one.
“I know,” he said. “Maddy, I know.”
I was flabbergasted.
“That’s …well that’s not something I expected you to ever say.”
“I know.”
“Look, can we forget the whole dinner thing? It’s hard for me, Maddy, being without you. I get crazy and frantic and then I stop thinking and then …well, you’ve seen what an asshole I can be. I have no excuse. I don’t know. I have problems. But I’m working on them.”
“I’ve heard it all before, Alex. You hurt me.”
The line was quiet for a while.
“I know. I hurt you and you were the one person who was gentle with me. The one person who tried to understand me. And I messed that up.”
“Yeah. You messed it up a lot.”
“You know what, Maddy, you should have broken up with me a long time ago. You’re stronger than you know.”
I laughed nervously.
“Who are you and what have you done with shitty old Alex?” I said.
“Maddy I’m serious. I walked all over you because …because you were too good. Too sweet. I took advantage because I was an asshole, and you were kind to me, and I didn’t know what to even do with that.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Alex, the man who would have punched a guy in the nose for looking at him funny, the guy who once broke his femur but finished his 8 hour shift first before going to the ER because he didn’t want anybody to think he was a ‘pansy’ … this same Alex was now speaking clearly and directly, saying all the things I had needed him to say so, so long ago. I was speechless.
“It’s stupid, I get this idea that I could win you back somehow, but I realize that that’s just another insult to you, just another imposition, you know? I get that. I’m sorry.”
His voice sounded faint and thin. It almost didn’t sound like him at all. Wasn’t it strange, how fragile men were, after everything? I had nursed broken bones and split lips and black eyes more times than I could count. But right now, it felt like they were truly the damaged ones. For some reasons, Zack flashed into my mind.
“Why did you do it, Alex? Why did you hit me?” I asked. We had never had a conversation like this before.
Silence.
“I was afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Jesus, of so many things. Afraid you would leave. Afraid you would see what a fuck-up I was. You were always so smart, you know? You always knew so much. And you always seemed so calm. It pissed me off honestly.
Like you were better than me. I don’t know. It’s sick. I felt like you would leave eventually. I couldn’t talk to you. I had no idea how to even explain what I needed. I’m learning now, Maddy. Too late, I know, but I’m learning.”
In the cool dark of the night, the tears on my lower lashes stung hot.
“I’m glad, Alex. I wish you only the best,” I said. I meant it, too. The whole conversation felt like a dream, and at any moment I’d wake up and see the same old usual texts calling me a whore and it would be my life as usual and at least then I’d know what to do. But this was all so strange. I thought of Zack again. Of his story about his ex.
“Alex, I need your help with something.”
“Anything,” he answered immediately. “What do you need? I’ll help you with anything.”
“This new guy …you know the one I’ve been seeing…?” I said. I heard him draw breath on the other side of the line.
“Yeah. The prisoner. What about him?”
“Well, I need some advice. He’s a bit …he’s a bit like you, in some ways”.
“Oh yeah? Asshole’s got a left hook on him that I’m a little jealous of, but yeah.”
I smiled. “I’m afraid that …don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m afraid that if I get involved with him, the same thing will happen again. That he’ll become violent, that we’ll fight. Is that weird? Does that make sense?”
In the three years I had dated Alex, we had never had a conversation this personal, let alone a conversation about another man.
The line was quiet for a long, long time. I could hear him thinking. This was crazy. Maybe I had finally broken this weird spell, and he would launch into a full-blown attack now. Like always. Would he just laugh and say how this had all been one giant prank?
“Look, I’m not a fan of the guy, Maddy. Of course I’m not. He handed my ass to me, obviously I’m not going to sing the guy’s praises. But there’s only one question you need to ask, at the end of the day.”
This was it. This was the cheesy hallmark moment when he would ask me if I loved Zack or not. But how would I know if I loved him? It was so soon. I had no idea what I really felt about him yet, wasn’t it too soon? Who could ever really say, right? Did men ever really love women anyway?
“There’s only one question I think you should ask, and that is, do you love yourself when you’re around him?” he said.
My breath under the blankets was condensing into tiny water beads on the screen of the phone. It was a damn good question. And I answered it easily.
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
“Well, then that seems pretty clear to me. Look, can I let you in on a little secret?”
“Ok…”
“The bigger and tougher the guy? The more noise he makes and the badder he seems? Well, the tougher the guy, the softer he is on the inside. I promise. Don’t worry about guys who seem a bit dinged up. Don’t be worried about angry men. It’s the heart that matters. You’re a good person, Maddy. You just don’t know what’s good for you. Does he make you happy?”
“Yes.”
“Does he encourage you to do all the things you love, and does he ask about the things you care about and does he remember the answers you tell him?”
“He does, actually.”
“Then go for it. And Maddy, if he ever lays a hand on you …” he said, and I could hear the smile on his voice. “Well I can try beat him up for you, right? Don’t stress about that. You deserve nice things. Trust yourself. And try remember, not all men are like me.”
I was crying. The tears rolled easily out of my eyes and into the pillowcase. Why had Alex waited so long to say all of this? Where was this sweet, understanding guy when I had needed him? Why did he have to hurt me to realize all of this? A sad sense of regret washed over me.
“Oh my god Alex, I don’t know when you turned into, like, Oprah or something,” I mumbled, trying to wipe my cheeks. He laughed good-naturedly.
“Yeah well, I guess they’re getting something through my thick skull at that course I told you about.”
“Oh right, the course. I forgot about that. I guess it was worth the money,” I said.
“The money was nothing. Money’s just money. The real cost was losing you,” he said, voice serious again.
I was stunned.
“Alex I’m sorry …but we can’t be together anymore, Alex, we can’t.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“You’re not?”
“No. Go and be with what’s-his-face. Guy seems a little rough around the edges but he doesn’t take shit. I can respect that.”
I beamed.
“I like him Alex. I think I like him a lot.”
I heard him clear his throat on the other end of the line.
“I’m gonna go now, Maddy. It’s hard, talking to you like this. Please take care of yourself?”
“Are you …are you going now? Can I speak to you again?” I said.
It felt like Alex had been in my life forever. He had never said “goodbye” and meant it before. Hell, most of our relationship was spent with me wishing he’d just go once and for all. But something in the tone of his voice let me know he was serious this time.
“Alex, I’ll miss you,” I said quietly.
“I’ll miss you too.”
“Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Maddy. Thank you for everything.”
The line went dead before I could thank him in return. And just like that, he was gone.
I lay for a long time in bed, thinking. It was so late, but my mind was racing. One of the cats jumped onto the bed and nestled beside me, and my hand went absentmindedly to stroke her warm ears as she curled up against me. It was true. I felt different around Zack. Like myself, only better. I drifted off to sleep, thinking how difficult it had seemed to cut the ties of the past, but how swiftly they had dissolved now, all at once. I almost couldn’t imagine life now, without a crazy ex hanging over me. Hand on the cat’s ears, I slipped into a long, dreamless sleep.
And I thought of him.
Chapter Eighteen – Zack
“Ben, go and call your father for dinner please,” she said. Ma was in her reclining chair, milky eyes scanning round the living room, both her gnarled hands clutching the arms of the chair like turkey claws.
“Ma, Ben isn’t here. It’s only me. It’s Zack here with you, remember?”
She tightened her mouth a little and looked me over, and then chuckled.
“Sorry about that, just having a senior moment, honey,” she muttered under her breath. These ‘senior moments’ were looking more and more like full blown dementia, if any of the five doctors from the last month were to be trusted. A month ago it had only been a once-daily event, and she was sly enough to hide any memory lapses inside a well-timed joke, or she’d simply shrug her shoulders and change the topic. But she was becoming worse at that lately. And the senior moments were coming thick and fast.
At her age, nobody expected her to endure much more time beyond what she’d already done. In prison, you could spot people like my mother a mile away. They were going through the motions, sure, but everyone could see that they were done. They had done their time, and now they had checked out, in spirit if not in body.
Though it chewed me up to see her like this, I was also secretly relieved. Ma had started complaining about being tired from the time I was in middle school. And she had never stopped being tired. She was still tired. Nobody would blame her if she took a rest now. Not after everything.
“Ben? Won’t you call Maggie for dinner?” she said, her eyes scanning over the room again. I rubbed my face.
“Ma, it’s me Zack. Ben isn’t here. And Maggie isn’t here either.”
She looked puzzled and squeezed the sides of the chair.
“Is she coming for dinner?”
“No ma, Maggie and I broke up, remember? A long time ago.”
She frowned and squeezed, squeezed and frowned.
“Broke up? Are you sure?�
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I was about to say something when the doorbell rang. Who the hell could that be, so late at night? I stood up.
“That’ll be Maggie! Such a sweet girl. Go and get her, we’re starting with dinner soon,” she said. I sighed and walked over to the door and opened it.
My jaw dropped.
It was Maggie. Fucking Maggie. Alive and well and real as anything and standing in our doorway, her handbag held across her body and her eyes wide. I heard ma shuffling behind me and turned to see her smiling and gesturing for Maggie to come in.
“Well, don’t just stand there, honey, come inside, we’re just about to have dinner!” she said.
Those few seconds were the most excruciating of my life. Maggie stood there, all black hair and black clothes and panda eyes just like she always did them, and everything was just the same, except she was a little older. A little more tired looking, maybe. She looked as confused as I was, and shot me strange looks as she stepped inside and stood there awkwardly as ma forced a hug on her and then pulled her into the living room. I closed the door and tried to think. I hadn’t seen Maggie in …years.
She was dead to me, for all it mattered. After everything happened, she had become a ghost. And now she was resurrected somehow and here, in my living room. For a brief moment, I wondered if something sinister was about to happen. I closed the door quietly, mind racing.
They were both sitting on the sofa. Ma gripped Maggie’s hands in hers and raced through some small talk, cooing over her and smiling.
“So what …uh, what are you having for dinner?” Maggie asked. She shot pleading eyes at me as I walked in.
“Dinner? Oh no honey we’ve had dinner already.”
I caught Maggie’s eye and we stared at each other for a moment, two whole years and a jail sentence somehow crammed in that little space between us.
“Is this a bad time? I can just go,” Maggie said.
“Go? Don’t be crazy, for goodness sake. I’ll tell you what, I’ll leave you kids be, I’ve got work to do anyway…” ma said and stood to hobble towards the kitchen.
