Love wasn't immoral, she told herself as she forced air from her lungs. And Shane loved her, just as she loved him. They just hadn't spoken the words yet.
Clinging to that thought, she headed back to the kitchen to clean up the breakfast dishes. Shane would give her advice about Jason, and he would understand if Jason wanted to become a part of Brianna's life. He would think it was the right thing for the other man to do.
Just as Kelly turned on the faucet and filled the sink, Brianna woke with an angry wail. Kelly dried her hands, then answered her daughter's call. Lifting the baby, she rocked gently, quieting the child instantly. It would be hours before Shane returned. Hours before she could tell him about Jason's call.
"We'll just have to keep busy," she told Brianna, who stared at her with eyes the color of Jason's, and a smile so sudden, so tender, it reminded her of Shane. Some traits. Kelly decided, had nothing to do with genetics. Nothing at all.
* * *
At dusk Kelly arrived at Shane's house. She parked her rental car and removed Brianna from the baby seat. Shane sat on the porch waiting for her. She bad called ahead and asked if they could see each other. He looked tired, she thought, but then he had worked a long day – loading party supplies, driving into the city, then returning to Duarte to resume his chores at the rescue.
Kelly carried Brianna up the porch steps, and Shane stood to greet her. His hair, loose and damp, fell past his shoulders. Apparently he had found the time to shower after all. He smelled faintly of soap, water and a simple, masculine shampoo.
He reached for Brianna, and the baby waved her arms, anxious to be held by him. His dark skin intensified the child's fair coloring; her hair seemed blonder, her eyes bluer.
Kelly sat in one of the weathered chairs and watched Shane do the same.
"What's going on?" he asked, although he sounded like he already knew.
Something in his voice, she thought, a tightness, a pain. A guarded emotion she couldn't quite fathom. A tone that frightened her suddenly, made her think of dark and lonely places.
"I heard from Jason today," she said, shaking off the feeling of doom. Shane cared about her, loved her. He would make everything all right. "Jason called right after you left this morning."
He let out a quick, audible breath. "I've been expecting this. And I've thought a lot about it." He combed his fingers through Brianna's hair with a touch that seemed distant, almost detached. Afraid to feel. "What did he say to you?"
"He asked me to call him when I get back to Ohio." Something was wrong, terribly wrong. Shane was supposed to be her best friend, her lover, her confidant, yet their conversation was strained. "He received the test results and now he wants to have lunch."
"That's good," he responded, his Texas drawl only vaguely familiar. "You should go back early. There's no point in waiting until next week."
A ball of pain exploded in her chest. No point? "What are you saying?" she asked, even though she knew. Dear God, she knew.
"It's over for us, Kelly. What we had isn't important now." He trapped her gaze, his eyes brown instead of gold. "It's time for both of us to move on. Brianna belongs with Jason, and so do you."
Kelly fought back the threat of tears. She didn't love Jason. It was Shane she wanted – the man who just sliced her heart in two. Did he know she was bleeding inside? Or didn't he care?
"Jason didn't even ask about the baby. Not even her name."
Shane rocked Brianna in a slow, mechanical motion – a movement so unlike him. "He already knows her name. It was on the test results, wasn't it? And that's why he called. To make things right."
She looked up at the sky. The setting sun still shone, blending into a sea of color – red, gold, mauve and a bright stream of blue. It was beautiful, but she hated it. Suddenly she hated Texas, and she wanted to hate Shane, too. He had used her, and now she felt cheap and immoral. Sick inside. She should snatch her baby and run, but Brianna cooed in his arms, fisting a strand of his hair. Brianna couldn't let him go, and neither, God help her, could Kelly. She still loved him.
"Kelly?"
She turned. "Yes?"
"If Jason asks you to marry him, promise me you'll consider it. Brianna deserves to have her birth legitimized."
She went numb, stiff and cold. Her only defense, she thought, to keep herself from breaking down into racking sobs, from shaking until she collapsed. "Please don't presume what's best for my daughter."
He glanced down at the child in his arms. "I'm sorry. I just want both of you to be happy. To have the things you deserve."
Things, she thought, inanimate objects Jason's money could buy. "How noble of you," she said, her words tasting as bitter as they sounded. "To let us go so easily."
"That's unfair." His features twisted, but he kept his tone level. "This isn't easy for me, Kelly. I—" His voice cracked, and her heart jumped.
Say you love me. Please, Shane. Say you love me.
"It just isn't easy," he continued, maintaining control of his voice again. "But we both knew it would end. Neither one of us talked about forever. Jason was always there, like a ghost between us. He's your destiny, not me. He's Brianna's father."
"And what were you, Shane? What have you been all this time?"
"A friend," he answered simply. "Just a friend."
No, she thought. He meant more to her that than that. She loved him, wanted him to be a part of her life – her lover, husband, a stepfather to Brianna. She had wanted it all. The suddenly impossible dream.
What had become of the man who had made passionate love to her last night? Used her mouthwash this morning? Nibbled on her ear? Now all of it seemed like a lie, every last tender moment.
As she studied Shane's face, the determined line of his jaw and slant of his cheekbones, the truth became painfully clear. He could disregard her and Brianna so easily because they had only been a substitute for Tami and Evan, the woman and child he truly loved.
She reached for her daughter. "I have to go."
As she turned and walked toward her car, she kept her head held high. Shane stood behind her, but she didn't look back to see his expression. Pride was her companion, pride and a baby girl who had begun to cry.
* * *
Shane hadn't seen Kelly or Brianna for two days, and now they were leaving.
He paced the living room floor, checking his watch for the hundredth time. Kelly must be packing, preparing for her flight. Shane forced out a breath. Unable to stand the anxiety-ridden solitude a moment longer, he grabbed his keys from the coffee table and tore off out the door.
The drive to the cabin didn't take long, but by the time he arrived, his hands were clammy and his mouth dry. He parked beneath a tree and exited his truck. Her front door was open, just as it had been the first time he'd stopped by the cabin, the day she'd stood in the kitchen, eight-months pregnant, scrubbing the sink.
Shane approached the threshold, preparing to knock. As close as they had become, he realized he hadn't told her everything about himself. He hadn't admitted that he was afraid of spiders or that he…
His next thought grabbed his heart and squeezed it, leaving a hollow ache. Loved her. He hadn't told her that he loved her.
He lifted his hand and rapped on the door, each knock pounding in time with his pulse.
"Just a minute!" she called out.
Silent, he waited, wondering why he had come. He couldn't ask her to stay. He wasn't the right man; he wasn't her baby's father.
Kelly walked toward the door and when she spotted him, she stopped, clearly startled. "I was expecting Tom."
"Sorry, it's just me." He didn't enter the cabin, and she didn't invite him in. "It's still a little early for my dad to come by, isn't it? He's still at work."
"I wasn't sure what his schedule was like."
Shane knew his father planned on being there to say goodbye. Tom was still welcome, even if his son wasn't. "I'm sure he'll be here before you leave."
"I'm still packing," she said, sm
oothing her dress in what seemed like a self-conscious gesture.
He liked the way she looked, her hair long and flyaway, her floral-print dress familiar. He wondered if she would still wear it once she got back to Ohio. It had a slight Western flair as it had come from the emporium in town.
How long would it take for the hurt to go away? he wondered. To be able to hive in Texas and not think about her? Feel her presence in every flower that grew wild, every cloud that floated across the sky?
Shane looked down at his boots and noticed how scuffed they were. Jason probably wore nice clothes, designer fashions, sports coats and loafer-type shoes.
How could he have encouraged Kelly to marry her old lover? How could he have just given her to the other man?
Because of Brianna, he told himself. Because the baby was Jason's child, and that tied him to Kelly. It made them family. Shane had only been a pretend daddy to Brianna, a temporary lover to Kelly. He had no right to want them, to long to keep them.
"Is Sunshine awake?" he asked.
She nodded. "Yes."
"Would it be all right if I came in to see her?" He felt like a beggar in his scuffed boots and torn, ragged heart. A man on the edge of society looking in, a man who kept losing the women and children he loved.
Avoiding his gaze, Kelly stepped back and allowed him to enter. "Brianna's in the bedroom."
She led the way to the room Shane would never forget, the room that housed the bed where Brianna was born, the same bed Shane and Kelly had shared three nights before. He had known then that it was over, yet he hadn't been able to stop himself from touching her, from making love to her one last time.
The cabin would forever harbor ghosts, he thought. His, Puma's, Kelly's, Brianna's. And Butch's, too. Kelly's grandpa had spent his vacations there, an Ohio factory-worker who delighted in everything cowboy. What would Butch have thought about Shane and Kelly's love affair?
Maybe the old man knew. Maybe Kelly had talked to him about it in her prayers. Maybe she had told her grandpa that Shane Night Wind had chipped a piece of her heart.
He took a deep breath, defending his decision to let Kelly go. Her heart would mend, and her affection for him would fade. Jason had been her first love, the man she really wanted, the one she had cared about for years.
Taking another deep breath, Shane scanned his surroundings, then forced a smile. Brianna lay in her portable crib, kicking her feet, the toy cougar beside her.
He leaned over the padded rail. "Hey, little Sunshine."
The baby waved her arms, but he didn't pick her up. He couldn't bear asking for permission to hold Kelly's daughter.
"Your dad said he would ship the crib for me," she said as she folded clothes into a leather suitcase. "The swing, too."
"That's good." Shane noticed the tan-colored baby carrier he had bought for Kelly hay on the bed. He still had the blue one. He had placed it in his dresser as a keepsake, he supposed. A sentimental item that would remind him of Brianna.
Shane looked over at Kelly, and their eyes met in one of those long, painful, awkward stares. He swallowed, and she bit down on her bottom lip, both of them visibly shaken.
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice as parched as his throat. "I never meant to hurt you."
"Don't … please," she responded, her eyes turning watery, her hands unsteady. "Don't try to explain it away. I don't think I can handle it." She fidgeted with the suitcase, zipping it shut. "I have to get Brianna ready."
"I'll go wait on the porch." He couldn't heave, yet he couldn't stay inside with her, either. "I'll let you know when my dad gets here."
Tom arrived an hour later, and soon the three adults gathered in the front room, Kelly holding her daughter. Shane lingered back, uncomfortable and uncertain of what to do. Would Kelly let him hug her, kiss her one last time?
"I'm going to miss this little girl," Tom said as he reached for Brianna.
Kelly's eyes misted. "She's going to miss you, too."
Brianna peered over Tom's shoulder at Shane, and he smiled at the baby, the ache in his chest growing. Brianna looked like a bright yellow flower, a golden-haired buttercup dressed in summer ruffles, her tiny feet encased in shiny white shoes.
"Thank you for everything," Kelly said to Tom, her eyes clouding even more. "I don't know what I would have done without you. You brought my daughter into the world."
"Promise you'll keep in touch. That you'll send pictures and letters," the older man responded, his voice thick with emotion.
"I will. I promise."
Tom kissed Brianna's cheek, then handed the baby to Shane. While Kelly and his dad embraced, Shane held Brianna, inhaling her powdery scent.
When the hug ended, no one spoke until Tom took charge, offering to load Kelly's luggage into her rental car. Within minutes Shane and Kelly were alone, Brianna still snug in his arms.
"Take care of yourself," he said, wishing he didn't have to let them go. He wanted to keep the mother and the child, pretend they belonged to him.
"You, too."
She took her daughter back and struggled to keep her tears from falling. Shane gazed into her watery eyes, knowing she wouldn't welcome his touch. A hug would only make her leaving that much harder.
"I better go." She turned away and headed out the door, her breath hitching as she lost the battle and began to cry.
Shane remained inside the rustic old cabin, whispering that he loved her, even though he knew she was too far away to hear.
* * *
Chapter 13
«^»
Unable to face his father, Shane left the cabin alone and retreated to the rescue.
Looking up at the sky, he squinted. The sun rose high and bright – a yellow ball of warmth that left him cold and achy inside. Sunlight would forever remind him of Brianna, yet he knew nightfall would bring no solace. He would lie awake and think about Kelly, recall the taste of her lips, the feel of her touch.
Shutting out the world, Shane closed his eyes, avoiding the flowers that dared to bloom, their brilliance mocking his mood. God help him, he thought. He needed to see Puma, draw strength from the cougar's medicine.
Shane walked along the dirt path. With the volunteers gone for the day, and the animals resting in the shade, a hush lingered over the rescue. Even the air barely moved, the heaves on the trees still.
When he reached Puma's habitat, he stopped at the fence and called out in the cougar's language. He waited for a greeting, and when he received none, he tried again.
Puma finally answered in a full-throated "yaooow," and Shane responded in the same strong tone. The conversation continued until Shane knew an invitation had been granted. He entered the cougar's habitat and started toward the animal. Puma lounged in his favorite spot, and when Shane neared, the cat stood.
The magnificence of the mountain lion never ceased to amaze him. The danger and the beauty. He knew the drill. Thrived on the thrill. Never turn your back on a cougar. Use eye contact cautiously. Read its body language. If it challenges you, look away. Don't roughhouse with a big cat; it can kill you in play.
Shane leaned down and scratched Puma's chin, and the cougar purred in response. The affection felt good, a temporary balm.
"Maybe I could sleep here tonight," he said to the cat, although he knew better than to invade Puma's territory. Too much time had passed since they'd lived together, and reliving those early days wasn't possible. Puma had grown and changed, and so had Shane.
The cougar lowered himself into a resting position, so Shane continued to talk, knowing his friend was listening. "Kelly sketched some incredible pictures of you, and we used them on T-shirts and coffee cups. You're our mascot now. A symbolic figure for the rescue," he explained. "A good luck charm."
Puma rumbled like a motorboat and rubbed his face against Shane's leg. He scratched the animal's chin again. "I'm glad you're pleased." He sighed and caught his breath. "I'm going to miss her, Puma. So much."
The cougar nudged him, and started to t
alk. A series of tiny chirps. A message, Shane thought. A message he couldn't comprehend.
"I wish I could understand you. But I can't. Not today." And maybe not ever. When Shane had let Kelly and Brianna go, a part of him died – coiled and burned, then drifted into dust.
He remained in Puma's habitat, touching the dirt, the heaves, the rocks that made up the animal's home. Nothing penetrated him, nothing gave him strength. The hand inside the fence wasn't his. It belonged to Puma, and as much as Shane liked to think they shared the same spirit, they were still two separate entities. Mountain lions were loners. They didn't fall in love, didn't mate for life. After a mating took place, a male assumed no further role. The female accepted full responsibility for the young.
Yet Shane, who thought of himself as part mountain lion, had fallen in love with Kelly, wanted to help raise her daughter.
Suddenly Puma's message became disturbingly clear. This time Shane couldn't rely on the cougar to mend his damaged heart. He would have to draw strength from his own medicine – the human soul that made him a man.
* * *
During the week that followed, Shane decided he didn't like being a man. He didn't like the loneliness, the ache that followed him each day. He wanted to go back to being a cougar, but Puma wouldn't let him. And Shane knew why. Hiding inside himself would be cheating. He couldn't go on pretending to be a loner when deep down he craved companionship. A family. The woman and child he had lost.
As Shane came through the front door, he could smell dinner, a homey aroma of pork chops and mashed potatoes.
"Hi, Dad." He knew the food was supposed to enhance his appetite, make him feel better, but it only reminded him that two lonely men would be sharing the meal.
Tom turned away from the stove. "I have some news."
"Yeah?" Shane noticed the table hadn't been set. He opened the top cabinet and removed two dishes. "What's that?"
"Kelly called."
The dishes nearly slipped from his grasp. He had been waiting to hear about her, wondering, living in agony, barely surviving. "What did she say?" he asked, hoping he could handle the blow – the news that Kelly and Jason had been working through their differences. Sending her back to Jason had been torture enough, but picturing them together made him ill. Kelly with her butterfly wings and fairy-dust freckles and Jason with a face Shane couldn't bring himself to conjure.
NIGHT WIND'S WOMAN Page 16
