Kari stopped right in front of Kaspar and looked up at him. “You’re an idiot,” he spat out.
Kaspar blinked. “I’m sorry?”
“You’re an idiot. What the fuck are you doing?”
Kaspar looked around. “I was doing yoga.” He’d thought it was obvious. He was wearing yoga pants and a loose t-shirt, and he was standing on a yoga mat.
Kari’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I have no idea what you meant. If you want me to answer, you have to explain yourself.” Kaspar didn’t like to be yelled at, but especially not when he didn’t understand why it was happening.
Kari rolled his eyes. “You need to make a move. I don’t know, grab him and throw him on the bed, something like that. Have your wicked way with him. I don’t like to think of him having sex, but I’m aware that’s how I was born. Well, he was raped, so it’s not the same thing, but he’s a guy, and I’m a guy, and I know how it works. I might not want to imagine him in that kind of situation, and I’m trying hard not to, but I know it’s going to happen eventually, and I think it would be good for both of you.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kaspar was almost afraid to tell Kari that. Kari looked convinced of whatever he was saying, and Kaspar was curious. He didn’t want Kari to get even angrier at him, though. He was known to kill people when he was angry.
Kari sighed, and his shoulders slumped. He cradled his small baby bump, and in just a second, he went from an angry, threatening guy to a sweet pregnant man. “My father. You’re going to lose him if you don’t take the first step.”
That made more sense. Kaspar wasn’t going to offend Kari by acting like he didn’t know what he was talking about, not when he did. “I don’t think he wants me that way.”
Kari rolled his eyes. “Of course he does. It’s obvious to everyone but you.”
“He told me he doesn’t want me.”
Kari cocked his head. “So you talked to him about this?”
“No, but we talked about him having a second chance at life and about what he deserves after everything he’s been through.”
“Let me guess. He fed you some bullshit about him being too old and damaged.”
Kaspar was amused rather than angry. No matter how Kari spoke, Kaspar knew he cared about his father. That was why he was talking to Kaspar in the first place. He might not be going at it the right way, but he was going at it, and he was trying to help. “He told me he was too old for me.”
“I knew it. And the worst part is that he’s convinced of that. You’re what? Thirty?”
Kaspar rubbed the back of his neck, wondering if he should be offended. “Twenty-five.”
Kari cringed. “Right. Sorry. I’ve never been great at guessing age. And okay, that’s almost twenty years between the two of you, which is a lot. I don’t think it matters, though, not when it’s obvious the two of you are in love.”
Kaspar’s stomach felt like it dropped to the ground. “I never said anything about being in love.”
“God, I’m rolling my eyes so much today between you and my father that I expect them to just roll out of my skull and drop on the ground. You’re right, you never said anything about being in love, but again, it’s obvious to anyone who sees you. You look at him like he’s the best thing next to chocolate, and let me tell you, there’s nothing better than chocolate.”
Kaspar wasn’t sure what to make of that. He understood what Kari was saying, but Kari was scary. Kaspar could continue to deny everything, and he might have if he’d been facing anyone but Kari. He was facing Kari, though.
He shuffled his feet, hoping his next words wouldn’t get him killed. “So what if I’m in love with him?”
Kari grinned. It was a bit feral, but it was a smile. “My father is a good man. He raised me on his own, and he made me the man I am today. He deserves the world. I know he’s in love with you, and since he wants you, he deserves to have you. You have to do something about it.”
“What do you want me to do? He was clear. He thinks he’s too old and damaged for me.”
“You don’t, though. Right?” His expression made it clear that if Kaspar’s answer was yes, he would end the day without his balls attached to his body. They would probably be hanging from Kari’s neck.
Kaspar swallowed. “I don’t care what happened to him. I don’t care what happened to his body or why he thinks he’s damaged. He’s Julian. He’s one of the sweetest and most gentle men I’ve ever known. And I am in love with him.”
Kari gave Kaspar a triumphant smile. “I knew it. And since I was right, you know I’m right about this, too.”
“Right about what?”
“That he’s in love with you, too, and that you need to make a move. He’s not going to make it. He’ll never take the first step because just like you said, he thinks he’s too old and damaged. You have to show him that neither of those things are true.”
The thought was terrifying, though. Kaspar couldn’t say he’d been rejected often, but that was because he’d been sheltered. He was a carrier, and Morris, his alpha, had always tried to keep him safe. And it had worked. Kaspar was here today only because Morris had made sure he could leave sleuth territory safely and spend as much time as he needed at the Bishop House. But that meant Kaspar didn’t have a lot of experience with other men. He didn’t have a lot of experience with pretty much anything, to be honest.
He wanted to get that experience, though, and he wanted to get it with Julian. Could he take that step? Could he ignore Julian’s words and go full steam ahead?
Kari smiled, and he looked so much like Julian that he made Kaspar’s heart beat faster. “I know that putting yourself out there is scary. I went through the same thing with Calder, and I might still be running if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. But you have to trust people. You can’t continue being alone in the world, and neither can my father. You both deserve so much more, and you can get it together. What would be better than that?”
“I know I’m not alone,” Kaspar said.
“Maybe, but you can’t deny that like almost everyone here, you’ve been keeping your distance. Yes, you talk with the other carriers and with the guards, you joke around and help them, but do you ever let any of them in? Or have you kept the walls up around your heart? I’ve been doing the same thing since I was old enough to understand that people could hurt me, and I still am. But I let Calder in, and you should do the same with my father. You won’t find a man who will treat you better than him.”
Kaspar suspected he was right, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. Could he really go to Julian and tell him he was in love with him?
He wasn’t sure, but he supposed that he might be about to find out.
* * * *
“I just met Kari outside. Why did he storm out?” Kaspar asked as he walked into the living room, startling Julian.
Julian put down his book. He hadn’t actually been reading, but rather, faking it. He’d been thinking about what Kari had told him instead, but he’d wanted people to leave him alone, and what better excuse than that he was reading? Of course, having a book in his hand didn’t mean people wouldn’t come talk to him. God knew some of the men he shared the house with didn’t understand that one needed peace to read. He’d been interrupted more than once while he read, but by now, he’d told them off often enough that most of them had learned.
Kaspar hadn’t, apparently.
Julian cleared his throat. “I’m not entirely sure.” That was a lie, but Kaspar didn’t have to know. “We were talking about how Calder hogs the blankets and how Kari always needs to pee.”
Kaspar flopped onto the couch next to Julian and grimaced. “That’s one thing I’m not looking forward to when I get pregnant. Is it true that you have to go to the bathroom every five minutes?”
Julian couldn’t help but smile at the image of Kaspar pregnant. It would be a beautiful sight. “It depends
. If the baby is leaning on your bladder, then it sure feels like it’s every five minutes. It gets worse when the baby gets bigger, of course.”
Kaspar grimaced and patted his flat stomach. “Well, I’m not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon, so I guess that’s a good thing. Why did Kari leave, then?”
“I don’t know. He’s pretty touchy these days.”
“I want to say it’s the hormones, but I don’t want to be rude.”
Julian laughed. “More than the hormones, it’s Kari. He’s always been like this.” Julian’s smile faded. “I think it’s because he grew up on his own. He had me, but it wasn’t the same thing. He wasn’t socialized as much as he should have been. I’m lucky he turned out the way he did.” Some days, Julian wondered if there was more he could have done, or if he could have tried harder. He wanted to think the answer to that was no, but was that the truth?
“So he’s okay?”
“I think he’s overwhelmed. Everything is happening to him at the same time, and he has to wrap his mind around it. He’s always been a solitary person, and now he has a new relationship, friends, a cete, and he’s pregnant. It’s a lot to take in in only a few months.”
Kaspar slowly nodded. “I can see that.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but to Julian’s dismay, he didn’t.
Julian wanted to know what was bothering Kaspar, but he didn’t want to push. It wasn’t his right. If Kaspar wanted him to know what was going on in his head, he would tell him. Otherwise, it wasn’t Julian’s business.
“What was it like?” Kaspar suddenly asked.
Julian frowned. “What was what like?”
“Being pregnant. Having a kid.”
Kaspar wasn’t the first carrier to ask Julian the question, but Julian was surprised. He hadn’t expected it from Kaspar. “I’m not sure how it is for other people, but for me, it was hard.”
“You didn’t have the most normal experience, though.”
“I didn’t.” And he didn’t just think about the rape when he talked about that. “I was only a few weeks pregnant when I decided to run away. That means I spent the next nine months hidden in the forest. In the beginning, I roamed in my animal form to be sure that no one would find me. I moved a lot. Once I found a spot I thought would be safe, I decided to settle down. It took me several months to build my house and get things ready for Kari.” Julian shuddered like he always did when he thought about Kari’s birth.
He’d been lucky. He and Kari had both made it, and he hadn’t needed a healer, or rather, even though he’d needed one, he’d managed to deal without. “Kari’s birth was... hard. It’s not something anyone should go through on their own, but I didn’t have a choice.” And it had left Julian scarred for the rest of his life.
But he could deal with that. He knew he could.
“Raising Kari on my own, especially in the middle of the forest, was as hard as his birth, albeit in a different way. Especially when Kari became a teenager and started leaving the house more often and for longer stretches of time. In the beginning, I was terrified. I had no idea what was going on in the rest of the forest, who was in power, or what happened to carriers. I didn’t know how they were treated, and I knew there was a good chance that Kari would be one, too.” Because being a carrier was genetic. If Kari’s child was a boy, odds were that he’d be a carrier, too. The thought was as scary as it had been when Julian had been pregnant with Kari. Julian prayed that his son would never have to go through what he had gone through.
“But you let him go. You didn’t tell him to stay home,” Kaspar pointed out.
“I tried in the beginning, because he was only fourteen or fifteen. But he’s an adult now. I wasn’t going to lock him in the house. I never wanted that life for him. He doesn’t deserve it. He deserves everything he found with Calder, and I’m glad he has it.”
“You deserve all of that, too. You didn’t deserve what was done to you or the way you had to live for so long.”
“Maybe not, but I don’t have to anymore, do I? I’m here, too, and even though it’s not the same, I have you and the other carriers and a new family.”
Kaspar looked thoughtful, and Julian waited. He knew Kaspar had questions. “Have you thought about having another baby?” Kaspar finally asked, shocking Julian.
Apart from Kari, no one had ever asked him that question. The healer had hinted at it, but it had been to tell him it wouldn’t be a good idea.
“I can’t have another child,” Julian murmured.
“I know you’re older than me, but not too old to have a child,” Kaspar said.
Julian shook his head. “It’s not because of that. It was Kari’s birth. It was rough on my body, and the fact that I was alone made everything worse. I can’t have other children because my body can’t take it.” Estelle, the healer, hadn’t gone into details, and Julian hadn’t asked. He hadn’t wanted to know, and he still didn’t. It wasn’t like he was planning to have another child anyway. He was alone, whatever Kari thought about that.
“Shit. I’m sorry for asking. I shouldn’t have,” Kaspar said in a rush.
Julian shook his head and smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve managed to wrap my mind around it, and I’m okay.” Truthfully, Julian had never thought about having a second child. He’d been too focused on surviving and on making sure his son did, too. Maybe he would have started to think about it now that he was free, but he couldn’t, and that was okay.
“What happened to you wasn’t fair,” Kaspar said.
“It wasn’t, but life rarely is, is it? Besides, it could have been so much worse. What happened to me wasn’t fair, but in the end, it was worth going through all of it.”
“Because you have Kari.”
“Yes. I have my son, and I’m going to be a grandfather. Through Kari, I have Calder and the rest of the cete. It’s a lot more than I ever expected to have, and I’m happy. I don’t need another child.”
But for the first time, the thought that he didn’t need a child didn’t settle right in Julian’s mind. Having children wasn’t about needing them, but wanting them, and Kaspar’s question had made him realize that maybe, if he’d had the possibility, he would have wanted to give Kari a little brother or sister. But he’d missed his chance. That dream was out of his reach, and he had to settle for the ones he could get.
That was more than enough for now, and it would have to be enough for the rest of his life.
****
Kaspar hadn’t expected this, and he couldn’t help but feel sorry for Julian, even though Julian himself didn’t seem to feel the same way.
Kaspar realized that Julian had had time to wrap his mind around things, but it couldn’t be easy. Julian already had Kari, of course, but that didn’t mean that he hadn’t wanted other children, especially now that he was free and that he had access to a healer, that he had a home and a place where he belonged. He wanted to tell Julian how much he was hurting for him, but he knew that wasn’t his place.
Julian sounded at peace, and it made Kaspar wonder if he should do this. Julian was convinced that he had everything he needed in the world—a home, a family, everything. Could Kaspar endanger his hard-earned peace only because he wanted to be with Julian?
He wanted to. There was no denying that. Was it the right thing to do, though? He wanted to say yes, but he knew that came from a place of selfishness. He was in love with Julian, and he wanted him.
A lot of people lived in the Bishop House, but it just wasn’t the same. They were friends, and Kaspar would always cherish their presence in his life, but he found himself watching couples and feeling jealous lately, and he knew exactly why that was. He had feelings for Julian, but he hadn’t acted on them, and he wasn’t sure he ever would. He couldn’t help but feel jealous that those couples could be together while he had to watch Julian from afar.
He rubbed his face. He had to say something, even though he didn’t know what. “I’m sorry that
happened to you,” he eventually settled on.
Julian smiled at him. He was always smiling, and he was gorgeous. “Don’t be. I was sorry for myself for a while, but I’m sure things are better this way. Besides, there’s nothing I can do to change it, is there? I might as well focus on what I have.”
Kaspar couldn’t deny that was a good approach to life. “And you have a lot of things.”
“I do. This might not be the life I dreamed of when I was a kid or the life I expected to have, but it’s a good life, and I’m happy. You don’t have to worry about me.”
Kaspar knew that was impossible. He would always worry about Julian, even if nothing ever happened between them. He wanted to be with Julian, though. He wished he knew what Julian thought about that, but then, that was what Kari had been talking about. He’d told Kaspar to take the first step because Julian wouldn’t. He’d told Kaspar that if Kaspar didn’t at least try, he would never know what Julian felt for him, and he might lose him forever. What would be worse? Not knowing if there could be something between them, or giving it a try and being pushed away? It was scary, but next to what Julian had been through, it was nothing.
Kaspar wasn’t sure he could say the words out loud, though. He wanted to, but when he opened his mouth, they got stuck in his throat.
Julian frowned and leaned closer. “Are you okay?” he asked.
He was so gentle. He always worried about other people, including Kaspar. Kaspar had seen him do that every day since he’d arrived at the Bishop House, and everyone in the house loved him for it. Kaspar would never tell him that, because it would only reinforce his feeling that he was old, but a lot of the carriers, especially the younger ones who didn’t have a father figure in life, saw him that way. Kaspar had heard a few of them talk, and he was glad they had him. He wasn’t sure what Julian thought about it, but knowing him, he was happy.
In Spite of Everything Page 3
