“You’re only twenty-five.” But the thought appealed to Julian.
“So? We might want three or four kids. Who knows?”
“We could wait.”
“I don’t want to wait, Julian. I’m ready.”
He wanted children, and he wanted them with Kaspar. Why should they wait?
* * * *
It was crazy. They were crazy, but Kaspar held his breath and waited for Julian to answer.
He knew he was only twenty-five. He knew he and Julian had only been together for a few weeks. But it felt right.
Kaspar had never thought he’d have this chance. Even though Morris had been a good alpha, he hadn’t been able to work miracles. Kaspar would have had to choose someone to marry even though he didn’t love them if Morris and the others hadn’t fought for him to be free to choose. But now he was. He was almost twenty-six, and he didn’t have to get married if he didn’t want to.
But he kind of did. He didn’t know what it was about Julian, but he could tell that they would be together forever. They worked well as a couple, and he knew they would work well as parents, too. Julian had done a good job with Kari, and he’d been alone. Even though it kind of terrified Kaspar to have children, there was no one else he’d rather have them with.
But he knew how Julian felt about not being able to carry a baby. He didn’t want to take that away from Julian. He just wanted Julian to know that this was a possibility. He might not have thought about having children until recently, but he now did, and he wanted them with Julian.
“All right.”
Kaspar blinked. “All right?”
Julian was smiling, and Kaspar found himself relaxing. “You want children. I want children. We want them together. People are going to think we’re crazy, though.”
“And we care about what they think?”
“Not really. I’ve never cared about what anyone thought, although that’s probably because I’ve lived alone most of my life.”
“Except for Kari. Do you think he’ll be angry if we decide to have a child together?”
Julian shook his head. “He’s been pushing me toward you ever since he realized I felt something for you.”
“So he won’t have anything to say? He won’t even point out that it’s too soon?”
Julian snorted. “Who is he to say anything? He and Calder weren’t even together when he got pregnant.”
Kaspar didn’t know the story there, and he was curious, but he also realized it wasn’t Julian’s story to tell. He didn’t know if Kari would ever tell him about it, but even if he didn’t, it wouldn’t matter.
Even though technically, Kaspar would be Kari’s stepfather.
The thought made Kaspar shudder. He didn’t want to be anyone’s stepfather, but especially not Kari’s, and not just because Kari was his age and could probably kill him with a well-placed glare. He wouldn’t mind being a dad, though. He wanted it so much that it surprised him.
“So we’re doing this?” It was hard to believe.
“I want to. There will never be a perfect moment for us to have a child. I don’t think there’s a perfect moment for anyone to have a child. But we have each other, and we’re happy. We’re free. We have a family. I’m sure Thomas won’t mind if we ask him if we can move out of the Bishop House and into our own home. I have a job, and it pays well. You don’t have a job yet, so it would be the perfect moment for you to have a child. Once they’re old enough, you can look for something.”
Kaspar smiled. “I thought you said it would never be a perfect moment? Because it sure sounds like it might be.”
Julian narrowed his eyes. “You know what I mean. There’s always a reason why we shouldn’t have a kid. People are going to say that we don’t know each other well yet, or that we’re both carriers, or whatever. And they wouldn’t be entirely wrong. But I know I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Besides, I’m getting older. I might not be the one who will carry our child, but I’ll still have a role in their creation, and the longer we wait, the older I’ll get. I want another child while I can still enjoy them and be young with them.”
“You’re not old.”
“Fine. I’m not old. But you can’t deny I’m older. It’s time for us to think about the future now that we have one. Don’t you think?”
Kaspar wasn’t sure how to answer, so he pulled Julian closer and kissed him.
They weren’t usually frantic when they made love. Kaspar was always careful, because he knew that sometimes, no matter how much he denied it, the act reminded Julian of what had been done to him when he was younger. They’d only done this with Julian on the receiving end because Julian had insisted, but things would be different today. Kaspar didn’t even know where to start, so he continued kissing Julian as he reached under the blankets and tried to push Julian’s clothes away.
To his surprise, Julian rolled Kaspar onto his back. Kaspar’s eyes were wide as he looked up at Julian, holding his breath.
“You’re always the one in charge,” Julian murmured.
“Only because you never said that you wanted to be.”
“What if I do?”
Kaspar opened his arms. “I’m all yours, then. You don’t even have to ask.”
And he didn’t. Julian had to look away from Kaspar to grab the lube from the nightstand, and Kaspar took advantage of it, pushing his pants down his legs under the blankets. When Julian noticed, he arched a brow, but he didn’t say anything about it, and Kaspar grinned at him. He was impatient. So what?
He knew it would probably take more than once for him to get pregnant, but he was pretty sure Julian didn’t mind practicing. He certainly didn’t.
“You’re eager tonight,” Julian said.
“I’m always eager.”
Julian chuckled. “That’s true. And I can’t say I’m any different. I love making love to you.”
“Me too.” Because it was making love.
Kaspar and Julian were in love, and they were about to build a family. Kaspar didn’t know how long it would take for him to get pregnant, but he hoped it would be soon. He didn’t want to wait now that he and Julian had made the decision.
He opened his legs and dropped his knees to the mattress as Julian settled between them. Julian was gentle. He always was. He made sure that Kaspar was comfortable with the entire process, staring at his face as he pushed his fingers inside him. It had been a while since Kaspar had touched himself there. He didn’t need to, now that he had regular sex with Julian, but he missed it. He hoped they could continue to switch. They could get condoms after Kaspar had their kid.
But that would be in a while. In the meantime, Kaspar was going to enjoy feeling Julian inside him without a condom to separate them.
“Still sure you want a child?” Julian asked as he withdrew his fingers—Kaspar was pretty sure it was at least three—from Kaspar’s ass.
Kaspar nodded frantically. “I want your child. Fuck me, Julian. Make me yours and get me pregnant.”
Julian’s eyes widened and his pupils dilated. They hadn’t used any kind of dirty talk in bed yet, but they were still exploring what Julian liked and disliked. Maybe this was one of the things he liked. Kaspar would have to try again eventually.
But not today. Today, he wanted Julian in his ass, and he wanted him there yesterday.
The head of Julian’s cock poked at Kaspar’s hole, and Kaspar hooked his legs around Julian’s waist. He didn’t try to push Julian inside his ass. Even though they’d already made love lots of times, this was still a first for Julian, and Kaspar wanted him to enjoy it.
Julian moved inside Kaspar just like he moved every single moment in his life—gently but sure of himself, quietly strong. Kaspar wouldn’t have minded a bit more foreplay, but he doubted either of them would have the patience today.
It was strange to think that their lovemaking might result in Kaspar getting pregnant, but also exciting. Of
course, sex with Julian was always exciting, and as he moved inside Kaspar, Kaspar closed his eyes and focused on holding the pleasure back for just a few moments.
All bets were off when Julian got a hand between them and wrapped it around Kaspar’s cock.
Kaspar’s eyes flew open, and he groaned when Julian jacked him off. He hadn’t expected Julian to be this assertive in bed, but he loved it.
No doubt Julian realized how much Kaspar loved it when Kaspar came, yelling Julian’s name. He didn’t even care if the people in the rooms around theirs heard them. They already knew he and Julian were together, and while they would no doubt tease them, he didn’t care.
If everything went right, if they were lucky, they were creating their baby, and Kaspar couldn’t wait.
Chapter Eight
The baby bump was obvious now, and Kari was grumpy. It made Julian want to smile, but he knew he’d better not. Kari would get offended. It wasn’t because of his pregnancy, but rather because he was Kari. Julian loved him, but sometimes, he wished his son were easier to deal with.
Kari glared down at his stomach. He wasn’t huge yet, but he couldn’t deny there was a baby in there now. “How much bigger am I going to get?” he asked with a whine.
“You’re not that big yet.”
Kari glared at Julian, and Julian bit his lower lip. This really wouldn’t end well if Kari caught him smiling. “Not that big?”
“Come on, Kari. You’re barely showing.”
Kari pressed both his hands to his stomach. “Everyone knows there’s a baby in there.”
“But not because you’re showing. I mean, yes, you do have a bit of a stomach, but if you wear loose clothes, no one is going to see it. You look fine. Happy.” He made Julian envious, but then he remembered that he and Kaspar were trying for a baby, and he couldn’t help but smile this time.
Kari’s eyes narrowed, and Julian held his breath. He hoped he wasn’t about to fight with his son. There was nothing he wanted less right now.
“What’s making you smile?” Kari asked.
“Nothing. I can’t smile when I’m with my son?”
Kari leaned over the table. “Of course you can, but this isn’t your usual smile. What’s going on?”
Julian supposed he could tell Kari. He would have to eventually, especially since he and Kaspar were hoping that if Kaspar wasn’t already pregnant, he would be soon. “You know that Kaspar and I are together.”
Kari flopped back into his chair and rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dad. I know you and Kaspar are together. You’ve been together almost since you moved to the Bishop House.”
“That’s not true.”
“Right. You danced around each other for a while first. Sorry.”
Julian bit his lower lip. He wasn’t regretting trying to have a baby with Kaspar. He wanted it. But he knew some people would be against it, either because they hadn’t known each other long or because they were both carriers. Not that it mattered since Julian couldn’t get pregnant anymore. As it was, he was a normal shifter.
“Come on,” Kari said. “What’s going on? And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because I can tell when you lie.”
“Kaspar and I are trying for a baby.” The words were out before Julian could think too much about them. He knew if he did, he probably wouldn’t say anything. He was terrified of what Kari’s reaction would be.
Kari blinked. “Did I hear that right? I’m going to be a big brother?”
His reaction was better than Julian had expected. “Possibly. I don’t know if Kaspar is pregnant yet. But we’re trying.”
Kari’s smile was wicked. “I bet you are.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “And I bet you have a lot of fun doing it, too.”
Julian’s cheeks heated, and he looked away. “I am not talking about my sex life with you.” He knew he and Kari were close, maybe too much so. It was because he and Kari had spent so much time alone in the forest, and while Julian was happy to see that Kari had other people in his life now, he missed his son. He missed their relationship.
He knew that would change. They were settling down in a more normal father and son relationship. It was still hard.
“Why Kaspar?” Kari asked.
It took Julian a second to understand what he was asking. “Estelle said I couldn’t have more children.” He hadn’t told Kari because he didn’t want Kari to feel guilty about it. It wasn’t his fault that Julian had spent his entire pregnancy and had given birth to him on his own.
Kari grimaced. “I see. But you’re still happy about this?”
“I’m over the moon. I might not be the one carrying the baby, but it doesn’t mean I’m not their father.”
“Exactly.” Kari patted his stomach. “Trust me. If I could, I would transfer his pregnancy to Calder and have him carry the baby to term. Being pregnant is a hassle. People look at you differently, and you feel all kinds of weird.”
The memories made Julian’s stomach churn, and he pressed a hand against it. Of course, Kari noticed his movement and arched a brow. “Are you sure you can’t have children?”
Julian shook his head. “It’s just some heartburn. Nothing else. I suspect it’s the job. It’s quite stressful. I’m tired because of all the back and forth I’ve been doing between here and Northwood, and I’m always nervous when I have meetings. I’m still trying to find my bearings.”
“You’re doing a good job,” Kari told him. “I’m proud of you, Dad. I didn’t imagine this could happen, but I think it’s exactly what you need in your life. You’re still young. You need something to focus on that isn’t feeling like an old man, or me.”
Julian burst out laughing. “I just told you Kaspar and I are trying to have a baby. I’m pretty sure that makes me not old.”
“I don’t know. How old are you again? Forty-eight? Forty-nine?”
Julian glared and threw a bit of cookie at Kari’s head. “You know damn well that I’m forty-two.”
Kari laughed.
It was so good to see him like this, happy and relaxed. Julian had done his best with Kari with what he had when they’d been in the forest, but he’d always known it wasn’t enough. Kari needed more people in his life. He needed a home with running water and everything else. He needed a family, and he had one now. Julian couldn’t have been happier.
Well, maybe he could be, if Kaspar was pregnant. He wasn’t sure how long it would take. He’d gotten pregnant after just once, but he knew that wasn’t a normal situation. If anything, it was as far from being normal as possible.
But he and Kaspar were trying. And Kari was right—it was a lot of fun. Julian was discovering a part of himself that he hadn’t thought was there, and he was in awe at himself and at how and what he allowed himself to do. It was awkward sometimes, and embarrassing, but he was working on feeling that way with Kaspar. He had nothing to be embarrassed about.
“Well, you were a great dad to me, and I know you’ll be a great dad for your baby.” Kari wrinkled his nose. “But I have to say it’s going to be weird to have a kid almost at the same time. Think about it. My baby is going to be your baby’s nephew. But yours is going to be younger.”
Julian shook his head. “Does it matter?”
“Of course not.” Kari hesitated. “I’m happy for you. I really am, and I hope you have everything you ever wanted with Kaspar. But you know you can come to me if anyone gives you any trouble, right?”
“I won’t sic you on anyone. You’re pregnant, and you’ve left that life behind. Haven’t you?”
Kari shrugged. “I haven’t killed anyone in a while, and I’m not sneaking around the forest. It doesn’t mean I can’t do it anymore if you need me to. I don’t want people to bug you because both you and Kaspar are carriers.”
“It doesn’t matter. I might be a carrier, but I’m a barren one. People will realize that.”
Kari didn’t look convinced. “If you say so. Still. Remember that you always have me.”
/>
He was right. Kaspar was a carrier, and he was young. Some people were bound to think that what he and Julian were doing was wrong. Julian didn’t care, but it might mean trouble. Luckily for Julian, he had a whole family supporting him now. He didn’t have to fear what people would say anymore. He had Kari, of course, but also Calder, and Thomas, and the rest of the cete, and the sleuth. They would intervene if something happened.
That, more than anything, made Julian understand that he was making the right choices. He was living the life he’d always dreamed about but never thought he’d have.
* * * *
Kaspar turned to the side and looked at his stomach in the mirror. He knew there was nothing to see, even if he was pregnant, but he couldn’t help it.
He pressed a hand against it and wondered. What would he look like with a baby bump? Or when he was eight months pregnant? He could hardly imagine it, and it made him nervous. He hadn’t changed his mind. He still wanted a baby with Julian. But now that the first emotions had passed, he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen next.
Once he got pregnant, what would he and Julian do? Would they stay on at Bishop House, or would they ask Thomas if they could have a house in cete territory? Kaspar knew Julian would want to stay close to Kari and his grandson, and that was okay with him. He’d already spoken to Morris about it. He’d also mentioned it to Julian, but they should have a more in-depth conversation about it. They needed to talk about a lot of things.
A knock on the door made Kaspar jump. He pushed down his t-shirt and went to open the door.
Josiah looked at him, smiling nervously.
Kaspar couldn’t help but wonder why he was here, and he waved him inside. “Come in. Is something wrong?”
Josiah chuckled. “I thought we were friends. Does something have to be wrong for me to come to talk to you?”
“Of course not.” But Josiah had kept to himself since he’d arrived at the Bishop House, and even more after it had been suggested that he could be the next coyote alpha. Kaspar understood, even though he hadn’t liked it. He was grateful to see Josiah was coming out of his shell. He hated the choice Josiah had to make, and he wished he could take it away from him, but he couldn’t. The only thing he could do was to be there for Josiah and listen to him, like he would do today.
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