Pam sat in the chair nearest the couch. "I never knew that."
“Oh, yeah. I don’t even know how many nights she spent in my bed, talking about him.” Kristina shrugged. ”But after he was born, she never mentioned him again. And knowing how much she’d wanted him, I couldn’t bring it up."
Kristina exhaled and leaned over, burying her face in her hands.
“Did we do the right thing? Telling you?”
Kristina turned her red-rimmed eyes toward her sister and nodded. “It’s just a lot to take in. I feel like I’m dreaming and somebody’s gonna wake me any minute now and snatch it away.”
Robin put her arm around Kristina’s shoulder. “You’re definitely not dreaming.”
"What do you two know about him? Tell me everything. What's his name?"
"Xavier."
Kristina smiled. "Xavier. I like it."
"And he's such a sweetheart, Kristina. And handsome." Pam sat up. “Oh my goodness, I just remembered! You've seen him!"
"What? When?"
"At the repast. He was the young man that came with his brother. At the end of the line."
Kristina's eyes darted back and forth as she chewed on her lower lip. She shook her head. "I don't remember…"
"It was just before you went to the bathroom."
Kristina made a face and dropped her head back. "No! Please don't tell me it was that boy I cut off so I could go get high?"
Pam grimaced. "Believe me, he didn't see it that way. He's a huge fan."
Kristina leaned forward and buried her face in her hands again. "That's even worse. If what he sees on TV is who he thinks I am, can you imagine what a disappointment it'll be once he gets to know me?"
"Kristina…"
Kristina shook her head. "He doesn't know yet, right? Did mama tell him?"
"No. She didn't even tell him who she was."
"Good. He doesn't need to know. If what you say is true and he has a wonderful family and a good life, then I think we should leave well enough alone."
Pam shot a glance at Robin. "Wait, wait. Kristina, think about this first."
Kristina stood and pulled down on her pajama top. "I have thought about it. And I've made my decision. Him being alive and happy…" She covered her mouth with her hand and tears began streaming from her eyes again. "Him being alive and happy is a miracle in itself. I'm not going to be greedy. This is already more than I deserve."
Pam jumped up. "More than you deserve? You're his mother! Having him in your life is what you deserve."
"I've already decided, Pam. Please. Please don't make this harder than it already is."
With that, she retreated to her room and closed the door behind her.
Pam looked at Robin. "This is what we prayed all night long for?" She motioned at both of her sisters closed bedroom doors.
But Robin didn’t look the least bit perturbed.
”We walk by faith, not by sight. Leave it alone and let God handle it."
Chapter 19
Despite herself, Pam decided to follow Robin's advice and leave the situation in God's hands.
Not that it was easy. What she really wanted to do was march into Kristina's room and change her mind. But she had to trust that God knew what was best for all of them, Xavier included. Besides, no matter her opinion, she was just his aunt. Ultimately, the final decision belonged to his mother.
Instead, she turned her attention to doing her job as Kristina’s manager. She made a call to the jet sharing service that they sometimes used and confirmed their flight out that night. She did the same with the rehab center and returned a few business calls. Then, she packed her clothes and got in the shower.
She hadn’t realized how much she needed one. The hot water seemed to wash away all the tension her body had held onto for the past twenty-four hours.
When she’d decided to do the retreat, she’d hoped for change. Of course, she had no idea just how much they’d endure before it was all over. The past few days had been something like an emotional hurricane.
From revealing their secrets to Robin, to going back to the old house, to discovering the biggest tragedy of their lives had been a lie—Pam knew it was only the grace of God that kept each of them from completely spinning out. And they were going to have to continue to lean on that grace in the days to come.
Walking away from Xavier was going to be one of the hardest things she’d ever done. And she was just his aunt. She couldn't imagine what Kristina was going through. But she was proud of her sister for putting him first. She understood that Kristina was only staying away because she thought it was best for him. But that didn't mean it’d be easy.
Still, Pam wasn't willing to give up hope just yet. Maybe rehab would make a difference for Kristina. Maybe getting her life together would give her the courage to know her son. Either way, Pam remained firm in her commitment to leave it in God's hands.
After drying off and getting dressed, Pam came out of the bathroom to find Tamia sitting on her bed.
Her eyes were red and puffy and she avoided looking Pam directly in the eye. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Pam went to her sister, sat next to her and took her into her arms. "I felt exactly the same way you did when I found out."
Tamia nodded and tried to blink back the tears. “What’s he like? When do we get to meet him?"
Pam hesitated. "We don't." Tamia's face dropped. "At least, not yet."
"Why? Is it his parents? Do they want us to stay away?“
"It's me."
Tamia and Pam swiveled around to see Kristina leaning against the door frame to Pam's bedroom.
"Pam said he's happy. I think we should just let him be."
Tamia looked devastated. "So, that's it? He's the only living relative we have and we just pretend he doesn’t exist?”
Pam rubbed Tamia's arm. “That’s not what we’re doing. It's not like we’re abandoning him. And who knows? Maybe one day…" Pam's voice trailed off when Kristina shot her a withering glare.
"But that's not fair. I don't even get to see him? So, the only memory I'll ever have of my nephew is as a stillborn, premature baby?"
Pam glanced at Kristina. When she made a decision it was nearly impossible to talk her out of it. It was a well known and much despised fact among record producers and label executives. Once Kristina Langston laid down a law, it was written in stone. And nobody, not nobody, could change her mind.
But that was Kristina Langston, the superstar diva. Pam saw Kristina Langston, the doting big sister, wavering in her resolve. Pam took it as a sign.
She looked back at Tamia. ”So, you're saying that you’d be okay with just seeing him? Not approaching him, not talking to him, not telling him who you are, but just seeing him?"
Tamia nodded. "That's all I want." She looked at Kristina, pleading in her eyes. "I just want to see him with my own eyes and I promise, after that, I won't bring it up again."
Kristina took a deep breath. "And how is she supposed to do that, Pam? How is she supposed to see him without him knowing something’s up?"
"Well, actually," Pam said, a smile spread across her face. "Tonight is the musical in honor of mama. And he's one of the featured singers."
Kristina straightened up. "He sings?"
"He does. And he's good, Kristina. Really good."
Kristina's eyebrows furrowed as she considered it.
"Please, Kris. Just this once."
Kristina’s resolve was no match for her baby sister’s puppy dog eyes.
"Okay. Just this once. But if you two go, I'm going with you."
Chapter 20
As they passed through the administrative area of New Life Tabernacle and on toward the sanctuary, the Langston sisters could hear a rousing rendition of one of their mother’s songs. And from the response of the congregation, the choir was setting the house on fire.
Pam kept her eye on Kristina, just as she had during the ride over from the hotel. At least twice, Pam thought her sister would
change her mind and order them back to the suite. Even now, Pam still wasn't convinced Kristina would go through with it. She reached for her sister’s hand.
"How are you doing?"
Kristina looked at her and smiled. It wasn't just any smile, but the one she reserved for award shows and on-screen appearances. The dazzling one that never failed to make people fall in love with her. But Pam knew what it really was—the mask that she wore when it was time to be the superstar.
Kristina squeezed her sister’s hand. "How many times you gonna ask that question?"
"How many times you gonna avoid giving me a straight answer?"
"I'm fine. Really. But so we’re all clear," she said, reaching for Tamia, who was steps ahead of them, eagerly following the minister ushering them to their seats. "We're not staying long. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes max and then we go."
Before they knew it, they were standing at the side door of the sanctuary where the pastors and dignitaries usually came in.
"You look beautiful,” Pam whispered to Kristina. She smiled at Pam again, but this time it wasn't the smile of a superstar. It was the far less confident half smile of her anxious, younger sister.
"Okay, ladies." Kristina took a deep breath. "Let's do this."
The minister opened the side door for them and they walked through to find the musical in full swing. The place was packed. Like their mother's funeral, it was standing room only, save for a segment of the front pew to the left side sectioned off by a velvet rope and a sign that read RESERVED.
The congregation was caught up in the choir's current selection and just about every person there was rocking, clapping and stomping their feet.
The choir finished the song and the crowd broke out into shouts and applause. The sisters settled into their seats, seemingly unnoticed by most, save for the dignitaries on their same pew and maybe a few people in the row behind them.
But that all changed when the Master of Ceremonies, the same man that had presided over the funeral, saw them. He jumped up and snatched the mic out of the hands of the featured soloist.
"Ladies and gentlemen, before we continue on with this fine concert, let's take a moment to acknowledge and welcome the daughters of the very woman we honor here tonight. Kristina Langston, Pam Langston, and Tamika Langston!"
The congregation roared with applause and shouts.
Tamia leaned over to her sisters. "Did he really just call me Tamika?"
"That's it! That's it! Make ‘em feel welcome!"
Reluctantly, all three women stood, turned to face the crowd and waved.
Once everyone had settled down, the organist started playing the music for the new song and the concert was back underway.
Tamia leaned in once again. "Which one is he?" Her eyes darted back and forth as she searched the faces in the tenor section.
Pam pulled in Kristina so she could hear what she was saying to Tamia. "He's over with the musicians. The young man in the red tie, on the keyboard."
Pam's eyes welled up with tears as she watched her sisters’ expressions. Kristina could only look for a few moments before turning away, blinking back tears. But Tamia, much like Pam, couldn't stop staring.
Tamia reached over Pam's lap and held Kristina's hand. "He's so handsome."
When she was finally able to pull her gaze away from him, she turned her attention to Pam. "When is his song? Is it coming up soon?"
"No. His is the last one."
"The last one of the entire musical?" Tamia's face fell. She looked back up at him and then Kristina. "The concert is at least halfway over. Can't we just stay until the end?"
Kristina sat back in her seat and exhaled. Before she could say no, Tamia added, “Please, Kristina. I never ask for anything. Just let me have this."
That was it. Pam knew it. There was no way Kristina would be able to say no.
"We stay until he sings, but we’re out before the benediction. I don't want to be stuck up in some three-hour meet and greet, you hear me?"
If she could have, Pam was sure Tamia would have grabbed Kristina by the head and kissed her face. Grinning ear to ear, she stood and started clapping and swaying along with the rest of the congregation.
Pam nudged Kristina with her elbow. Kristina only acknowledged her with a sidelong glance before saying, “What?"
"You know what. Thank you."
Kristina nodded and tapped her foot to the beat.
After a break for offering and a few more selections, the moment they’d all been waiting for finally arrived. Xavier made his way to the mic, giving Pam a little wave as he did.
Pam didn't know if it was their presence or that he was singing in front of a packed house, but she could tell he was nervous. He kept running his hands down the side of his slacks, as if he were drying them.
The organist played the opening notes of the song and the piano came in shortly after. Kristina grabbed Pam's wrist.
"This is the song me and mama did.”
Pam nodded. Kristina put her fingers over her mouth and waited.
Xavier started singing and, unlike the songs performed earlier that evening, the sanctuary became still. And for good reason. What Pam heard in rehearsal was nothing compared to what she experienced at that moment.
She hadn't been in a church service in years, but she'd never forgotten what it felt like when the presence of God blanketed a room. A hush fell over the congregation and hands started going up all over the building in reverent worship.
Pam couldn't help but feel everything had led to that most holy moment.
From Xavier's birth to her mother's secret, from Kristina's overdose and now, to this song. There was a healing taking place in each of their lives. She could see it in her sister's eyes when she looked at them. She could feel it in her own heart, as well. Before long, the three of them were on their feet, hands raised like everyone else.
Pam closed her eyes and just let it wash over her. She let herself completely drown, body, soul and spirit, in the immeasurable love of God. It was like water in the desert. The one thing her soul had longed for and for much too long.
She felt the air stir and opened her eyes to see Kristina on her knees. Her arms wrapped around herself, rocking back and forth and crying out to God. It was something she never imagined she'd see. Just a few days ago, she’d watched paramedics roll out what looked like a corpse on a gurney. Now, she was seeing God bring a complete soul restoration.
The song ended and the music stopped, but the worship didn't. Pam didn't know how long it went on because it seemed as if time stopped. They had all somehow entered into a place between heaven and earth and no one wanted to leave. Even when they all came down from the high that was the presence of God, the space felt so sacred, no one wanted to disturb it.
There was no official benediction. Instead, people spoke quietly to one another as they gathered their belongings and left the building.
Pam and Tamia helped Kristina up and the three of them embraced. They felt light enough to fly. It was as if every chain and shackle they’d carried since childhood had been broken in one fell swoop.
Pam felt a light tap on her shoulder. She turned around to find Xavier standing next to her.
"Thank you for coming.” Then he smiled at Kristina and Tamia. ”Thank you to all of you.”
He looked directly at Kristina. "I know that was the only song you ever recorded with your mother. I hope I did it justice."
"You did. Trust me. You did."
A blush spread across his cheeks and he dipped his head, a grin on his face. “I’m glad.”
Then, just before he walked away, Kristina reached out and pulled him toward her, hugging him. From the expression on his face, Pam could see he was surprised.
And that he had no idea he was actually hugging his birth mother.
Kristina drew back and put her hands on the sides of his face.
"You have been given a gift from God. And you're going to use it to change many lives. You've already
changed mine."
Chapter 21
Six weeks later…
Kristina sat on the edge of her bed, legs crossed and holding the phone between her ear and shoulder.
"I know I signed the contract, but that was before I decided to go to rehab."
"Well, I don't know what else to tell you,” Pam said on the other end of the line. “The production company is not interested in whether or not you've changed your mind. All they care about is the fact that they have your name on the dotted line. So, you either do the show or we get sued. It's as simple as that."
Even though her sister was hundreds of miles away, Kristina could imagine the look of utter frustration on her face. They had been going back and forth about this throughout Kristina’s stay in rehab.
A couple of months before her mother passed away, Kristina had agreed to let The Muse Network cameras follow her for a behind-the-scenes miniseries on this latest tour. At the time, it looked like a great opportunity. The announcement and the publicity surrounding it, had created major buzz and increased ticket sales.
And that was no small thing. She hadn't been on tour for so long, even the record company was concerned it might not do well. The press release promising backstage access had proven them all wrong.
But that was before rehab. Before the retreat. Before she ended up on the bathroom floor of Dallas's finest hotel. Before her mother died.
And before Xavier.
She'd come a long way in only six weeks and she had God to thank for that. But she was still a work-in-progress. She was grateful to have a second chance at life, but she hadn’t been prepared for what it’d be like to be clean. There was nothing to hide behind. Nothing to create a wall of protection between herself and the rest of the world. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so exposed, so vulnerable. It was a frightening experience, to say the least.
And although she had told her sisters she had every intention of staying out of Xavier's life, with each passing day, she wondered if it were possible to rethink that decision. But if that was the plan, she had to make some changes. Real, lasting changes.
He Restores My Soul (The Langston Family Saga Book 1) Page 10
