by Sam Carter
There was no answer to these questions. He had tried to answer them thousands of times and each time he came up empty. Why would tonight be any different?
He needed to move on from this for now. Right now. There were too many other issues to think about than how he had wrecked his marriage. Wasn’t Harlan just a bundle of joy and good thoughts? Who wouldn’t want to spend more time with him?
Before he forgot, Harlan sent Jack a quick text. The last thing he needed was another lecture or a son who wasn’t speaking to him again.
“Sorry I didn’t respond earlier. Crazy day. And crazy about Samson too. I’ll call you first thing tomorrow. Love you and all that other mushy stuff.”
Harlan sent it, hoping it was good enough. And before he could stress about it any longer his phone made the familiar beep again and there was a response.
“No worries. I know how life can be for you. U da best. That mushy enough for you?”
“Perfect amount of mushy! Talk to you tomorrow.”
Thank goodness Jack was still cool with his dad. He guessed that meant he still wanted to spend time with him.
Speaking of time, Harlan looked at his clock—7:46. Cole was late. Not late late. But late still. Harlan thought about giving him a call to check in, but then he saw a cab pull up in front of the hole, and Cole jumped out. Harlan had forgotten that Cole didn’t have his car with him when he showed up at his house the night before. That was still a story he needed to hear. But, again, something for another day.
Cole slid into the passenger’s side of Harlan’s car, ready to roll.
“What’s cooking, good looking?”
“Oh, the normal everyday stuff. All my patients are dying. Some random Twitter conversation I had is all over the Internet. And Emily just ripped me a new one. And chicken. There might be some chicken cooking, too.”
“Screw her, man. Your ex–old lady is off her rocker.”
Harlan had never heard Cole talk about Emily that way before. He hadn’t said anything nice about her for quite a while either, but he never ventured into full on insults.
“What’s that supposed to mean? And where in the world did that come from?”
“Just forget it. You place her on such a ridiculously high pedestal that it won’t matter what I say anyway. You won’t hear it. You’ll never see what everyone else sees when it comes to the way she has treated you. Let’s just move on.”
“Move on? I am just supposed to move on from that? Nope. How about you explain yourself?”
“Harlan, come on. Let’s not do this. You’ve got enough on your plate. Let’s talk about what we came here to talk about.”
Harlan had no desire to do that. He wanted to hear all that Cole had to say. He wanted the whole story and he wanted it now.
But, he hated to admit this, Cole was right. There were too many other things going on. It didn’t mean they wouldn’t come back to this soon, but it meant that they would table it for now.
“Fine. Let’s move on. How about we go for a nice walk on this crisp autumn night in Seattle?”
“Here? You sure? If I get scared will you hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok?”
“Of course, my dear. I shall keepeth you safeth.”
They both got out of the car and started walking. Harlan wasn’t sure if his car was bugged, too, and hoped that maybe they could have a more in-depth conversation without that hanging over his head.
“So, what’s up? You were so cryptic on the phone earlier. You’ve got me intrigued.”
“Things are a little more complicated than a Twitter conversation being all over the Internet. And by a little, I mean a lot.”
Harlan was unsure, even though he felt safe away from his car, how much he should tell Cole. For some reason he felt the need to tell him everything. He needed to tell someone. Someone who would believe all that had happened. Someone who would believe his crazy theories and help him figure out a way to make things right again. And that person, the only person, was Cole.
So, he spilt it all, doing his best to explain all that had transpired that day, all the while looking over his shoulder to see if they were being followed and nervously checking his new cell to make sure he hadn’t missed a call. He told Cole about the message, the visit from the cops (he even took time to give some details about detective Foxy. Men.) and the phone call he received right before he left to meet Cole. And the whole time he told this crazy story, Cole didn’t interrupt. He didn’t speak or even look like he wanted to, until it was obvious Harlan was finished.
“If I didn’t know you and know you don’t have the imagination to come up with something like this, I wouldn’t believe a word you’re saying.”
“Seriously. If I brought this up at AA, they would all think I’d started drinking again. I think I just might start anyway. That way I don’t have to think about it all the time.”
“So, what are we going to do about all this?”
This was exactly what Harlan needed at this moment, the reason he told Cole everything. No judgment. Just help.
“I have no idea where to start. And this isn’t everything. Remember what I told you about all that’s going on at the hospital? It’s getting worse. I’ve screwed this up, too. Just another thing to add to my long list of failures.”
“Shut up, Harlan. I’m getting sick of this self-loathing. I’m tired of your thinking everyone else succeeds and all you do is fail. Just, shut up.” So much for no judgment.
“Your kindness really helps right now. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. I don’t even care if you’re being sarcastic. You need to hear it.”
“What do you mean by that? First the crap about Emily? And now this? What are you trying to get at?”
Cole gestured for Harlan to sit down next to him on a nearby bench, as if to say the cliché line, “You’re going to want to sit down for this.”
When it became obvious that Harlan had no desire to join him, Cole said with a look of genuine concern, “Come on, Harlan. You’re going to want to sit down for this.” He still wouldn’t sit down. He didn’t care how much it pained Cole to say a line only used in movies and horrible books. He would hear this standing up.
“Do you remember when we were about eleven and Rebecca Lawrence broke her foot in gym?”
“Yeah. But I don’t know what that has to do with what’s going on right now.”
“Do you remember how it happened?”
“Vaguely. We were playing some weird game, something no one would actually play in the real world. Just gym class. What was it?”
“Mat ball. It was like soccer, but you threw the ball and tried to get it to a teammate standing on a mat. Honestly, it was nothing like soccer. It wasn’t like anything. I don’t know what it was.”
Cole was trying to get Harlan to laugh or at least smile. Once he realized it wasn’t going to work, he moved on.
“Rebecca was on the other team, and she was being crazy. Running around. Pushing people and knocking them over. You know, doing what kids do.”
“That’s right. She was like that a lot, wasn’t she? I wonder what she is up to now.”
“Ultimate fighting. And pretty good, too. But, do you remember what happened during the game?”
Harlan had no clue. He didn’t have Cole’s memory of all things useful and useless.
“Fine. I’ll tell you. So, she’s running around, acting crazy. You’ve got the ball, and you’re about to pass to someone when she charges right at you, trips over your foot, and crashes to the ground.”
“That’s right. Oh man, I felt so bad about that. She may have been crazy, but she didn’t deserve my breaking her foot.”
“That’s it! That’s what I’m talking about.”
“What’s what you’re talking about?”
“You didn’t break her foot, Harlan. Rebecca broke her foot. You didn’t stick your foot out and trip her on purpose. She tripped over you. She did it to herself. And yet you took the blame. In fact, y
ou still take the blame for it today.”
There was silence for what seemed like eternity. Silence as Harlan tried to take in what Cole was trying to say. When it was obvious that Cole couldn’t take the silence anymore, he broke it.
“But that’s just a basic example. Something I’m sure could just be brushed to the side as you just being a kid. But it’s not that at all.”
Harlan still didn’t know what to say or how to react. He reluctantly sat down next to Cole and waited for more.
“Look, Harlan. You’ve been my best friend forever. But this has got to stop. Your ongoing relationship with Emily. The way you take the blame for me. It’s ridiculous.”
“What do you mean? That’s the second time you’ve said something about Emily tonight. And take the blame for you? No more vague responses. Explain yourself.”
Cole took a deep breath and stared off into the distance, like he was formulating the right words to say.
“Here’s the thing. You’re probably not going to like what I tell you. Not at all. And I may talk for a long time because I’ve been stewing over this for longer than I can remember. So, please stop me if you feel the need to slow me down.”
Harlan nodded his head, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to talk much more tonight. He would try. In fact, he might even need to defend himself.
“Emily. You have always been a sucker for her. And I get it. But, man, you’re a fool. Riddle me this. Why did she leave you?”
“Because I was never around. Because I’m an alcoholic who would’ve rather been at the bar than at home with my family or watching my kids play sports. Because I missed everything and stopped showing them I care. Because I failed her.”
“Same answer you’ve been giving since it happened, but it’s not true. I know because I watched the whole painful thing happen. The whole thing.”
“And I lived it, so I know what I did. I know what I caused. I know it was all me, and I know it’s true.”
“Come on now. She could have slept with another man, and you would have found a way to blame it in yourself. ‘If I only had taken out the garbage when she asked. He probably takes the garbage out right away. He’s so much better than me.’ I know it and you know it.”
“But that’s not what happened. Not at all.”
“No, it’s not. But your version isn’t exactly what happened either. When did everything start to go south for you?”
“After Stacy’s accident. After I couldn’t save her.”
“First, you did save her. She’s alive. You did amazing work. Just another example of what we are talking about. Second, where was Emily after that? Did she help you at all as you struggled?”
Harlan thought for a moment about this. He had never thought about this before. It had never crossed his mind.
“She didn’t help you at all. She just dismissed it, like you needed to move on. Do you remember when she didn’t get that job with the high school in Everett? I know you do. She was devastated. And you were there for her every step of the way when that happened. But when you needed her, she shut you out. It was so frustrating to watch.”
“But, the drinking. I couldn’t stop drinking. Even before that, I was at the bar all the time. Not home enough, off at some stupid bar.”
“Before that? No, you weren’t. Sometimes you would go out and come home late, but who doesn’t do that? I could hardly ever get you to go and hang with the boys. Maybe once a month. As for your drinking after the accident? That was stupid and idiotic. That’s on you and there is no excuse.”
“So, you agree with me. I screwed up my marriage. She left because of me.”
“You’re not listening to me at all. Listen to the words I’m saying. All the words. Stop hearing what you want to hear.”
Harlan began to stand up to walk away from all that Cole was throwing at him, but before he got up, Cole grabbed him by his arm and forced him back down.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Cole said with more force than Harlan could ever remember. “We aren’t done here. Got it?” Harlan got it and decided it was best not to get up again.
“And how about me?” Cole continued. “How you always look past my stupidity. I’m a mess. An absolute mess.”
“No, you’re not. Sure, you’ve made a few mistakes, but you’re not a mess.”
“A few mistakes? That’s laughable. I almost didn’t get into college ’cause I blew things off. Then once I did, I flunked out.”
“You dropped out. That’s a big difference.”
“No, I flunked out. But that’s not how you remember it. I one hundred percent flunked out.”
“Do you know why I remember it that way? Because I feel like it’s my fault. I should have done more to get you to class. More to help you.”
“Holy cow, dude. Are you even listening to yourself? You are ridiculous. With all this self-loathing and guilt, no wonder you became an alcoholic.”
Just as Harlan was about to fight back, his phone rang. Again. Both Luke and Cole jumped at the noise, bringing them out of their intense conversation. And because he had two phones now, he didn’t know which one to answer. He hoped against hope that is was his own phone. Although that phone hadn’t been too lucky lately either.
Harlan fumbled through his pockets until he found both and looked to see which one it was. It was his phone. He could almost breathe again. It was the hospital. Maybe it was Lucy or Clara with good news.
“This is Harlan.”
“Hi, Dr. Allred. It’s Lucy.”
“Please tell me you’re calling with something good. Give me something to actually cheer about today.”
“Not exactly. I guess it depends on what your definition of good news is. The lab ran more specific tests and what they saw before isn’t there anymore. They think it was just a reaction to whatever is going on, but nothing to be worried about.”
“Nothing to be worried about? Are they kidding? Something is there, then it’s gone and they think that’s fine? Really? Put an order in to run the tests again.”
“I’ve already asked for that, and they have run everything they can. There is nothing left to do.”
“I don’t buy it. There has to be something to this. Has to be.”
“What would you like me to do? I honestly am at a loss, Doctor. They won’t listen to me on this.”
“Nothing. You’ve been great. Fantastic work. I will be there later tonight to see what more can be done. You just keep running the show.”
“Thanks. That means a lot. And I will do just that.”
“Wait. Before you go, how are the kids all doing? Are they resting?”
“Right now they seem pretty well. Do you want me to keep you updated?”
“That would be perfect. And maybe call Clara. Two excellent nurses putting their heads together is better than one lug-headed doctor.”
Lucy let out a little laugh. “Sounds like a good idea. Thank you for your support. We will figure this out.”
“I’m sure we will. Let me know if you come up with anything. See you later.”
Harlan hung up, wishing that what Lucy said would be true. He had said it over and over the last few days, too: we will figure this out. The longer this went on, the more dead ends they hit, the more he felt they never would.
“That’s not your good news face. What’s up?” Cole said, breaking Harlan out of his deep thoughts.
“Work. It’s not looking great. But we’re not done with your lecture. I want to hear it all.”
“I didn’t set out to lecture you, but if that’s how you feel about it let’s keep it going, young man.”
This time, Harlan did crack a smile. But he ended it quickly, hoping Cole didn’t see. Plus, he wasn’t sure he had any right to smile right now.
“There’s that smile I love. So good to see it make an appearance,” Cole said using the same sing-song voice Harlan’s mother used when they were kids. The impression was uncanny.
“Here’s the thing, Harlan: you’re an id
iot. You have done stupid things, but you forget to see others are part of the problem. Or the whole problem. You take the blame for everyone, every time.”
“That’s not true. Emily. The divorce. It was my fault. All of it was my fault.”
“You’re exhausting. Listen closely now. Listen to what I’ve been trying to get you to hear. You got yourself lost after Stacy’s accident. You took all the blame for someone not paying attention and causing the accident. You took all the blame for her mother’s death, even though she went to a completely different hospital. You took all the blame even though you saved Stacy’s life. Do you see the insanity in this?”
“When you put it that way, I guess I do.”
“Good. So, you lost your way and spiraled out of control and weren’t there as much as you should have been for your family. There is no denying that.”
“See? I’m right about my marriage. You’re saying I’m right. You’re agreeing with me.”
“Don’t interrupt me, because I’m not agreeing with you. You had a part to play in the end of your marriage. But, and I’m going to ask this question again, where was Emily after the accident when you started to struggle?”
“Like you said earlier, she wasn’t really there at all.”
“She didn’t try to help you get over it. Not even a bit. She gave up before you gave up. But you were too blind to see it.”
“I, um, guess you’re right. Where was she?”
“Not where you needed her. You both played a role. Truthfully, you both played the same role. You both gave up on you, when you needed both of you the most.”
Harlan sat in silence and looked past Cole into the darkness. The look on his face told the story of a man that was actually seeing the light for the first time.
“Do you get it? Do you see what I’m trying to say to you?”
And Harlan did. He finally got it. He finally understood what Cole was trying to tell him and didn’t know what to do with it. But he at least got it. Got that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t to blame for everything. Maybe he wasn’t the complete failure he had always felt he was. He was still, as Cole had so gently put it, stupid and idiotic. But maybe he wasn’t the lost cause he had often felt he was.
