“No. I was destined to be a screw-up from the start.” He shoved his hands through his wet hair, stepped out of the shower stall, and found a towel that he handed over to me. “My dad was in jail before I was born, my mom had a ninth-grade education and no desire to live beyond the trailer park. I was always the poor kid, the white-trash kid, and instead of being ashamed of it, I used people’s pity, their sympathy, to get what I wanted.”
I watched him carefully as he wrapped a towel around his waist and leaned back against the tiny vanity. He watched me just as closely as I rubbed the excess water out of my long hair. He crossed his arms over his broad chest and went on.
“When I started school and I realized all the other kids brought lunch or had meal plans and I didn’t, at first it made me sad.” He shook his head and his mouth pulled tight. “Then it made me mad that all those kids had something I didn’t, that I had a mom that couldn’t get her act together enough to feed me. I found a girl in my class. She was quiet, didn’t really have any friends because she was shy and kind of weird, and I spent all my time convincing her we were the best of friends.” His eyes flashed from gold to bronze and I could literally see him falling into the decades-old memory. It obviously didn’t sit right with him now if the way his shoulders tightened was an indication. “She was a sweet kid, a little slow, but she had a huge heart and came from a lot of money. She brought me lunch every single day until fifth grade.”
I wrapped the towel turban style around my head and went to move past him. But his fingers locked onto my wrist and he pulled me to a stop in front of him. He wanted me to hear this, he was always trying to pull the curtain back and show me the darkness that swirled inside of him. It didn’t seem to matter to him that I already knew he was made up of black marks and misdeeds and I just didn’t care about them.
“In fifth grade I started to understand that the other girls in class besides her thought I was cute, that if I gave more than one girl attention I could get more than just lunch. I told one she was the prettiest girl in class so she would do my homework, told another I would be her boyfriend so she would buy me clothes, let another sneak kisses so that she would take me out to eat at restaurants, not even fancy ones because there aren’t any in Woodward, Kentucky. Then was another girl, she was awful. Stuck up, mean and horrible to anyone that crossed her path but because her family had a pool and she would invite me over to swim I decided to start walking her home from school. I loathed her but I did it every day because she had something I wanted. I did all of that after coldly and callously ditching the first girl that had been so nice to me and so sweet to me for years. I just unceremoniously ditched her and didn’t care when other kids teased her or made fun of her even after she made sure I never went hungry. I wasn’t even a teenager yet and I was already that kind of guy.”
I shook his hold off and went into the living area so I could put on the clothes I had stuffed in my purse. I wiggled into a pair of skinny jeans and pulled on a cute, off-the-shoulder sweater over a tank top. I took the towel off and shook out my tangled hair as I dug around for my brush. Asa came out of the bathroom scowling at me, so I lifted an eyebrow in his direction and worked on making my hair manageable.
“What?” I made sure to keep my voice light because I could see he was just waiting for me to unleash a torrent of disgust and judgment at him and was unsure what to do with my indifference.
“That’s all you have to say about what I just told you?” He dropped the towel in jerky moves and walked naked to his closet. He really was perfect. Every long, lean line of his back, every flex and dimpled indent in his backside, the broad expanse of his toned shoulders … there was nothing about him that had any hint of imperfection. It was an interesting juxtaposition that such a beautifully crafted shell held so much ugliness and self-loathing on the inside.
“What do you want me to say? That you suck? That you were a total jerk and deserved what you eventually got? Do you want me to tell you that was a totally douche move not just to the first girl that gotten taken in by you, but even to the mean one because you were just using her, too? You know all of that, Asa. You might not have known it then, or not cared, but now you do, so me telling you what you already know is pointless.” Once my hair was mostly tangle-free, I pulled it into a loose ponytail at the base of my neck and dug around in my purse for my makeup kit. “Someone should have been around to take care of that little boy so he didn’t have to resort to that behavior in the first place.”
He pulled a faded black T-shirt on over his head and plopped down heavily on the bed so he could pull on his boots.
“No one made me do those things, no one taught me. I figured it out on my own, and by the time I was a teenager, I had learned every dirty trick there was in the book.”
I sighed at him and slicked a coat of lip gloss across my mouth. I crossed my arms across my chest and met his predatory look with one of my own. “Do you want to confess every single sin you’ve ever committed to me? Do you think it will scare me away or absolve you of past misdeeds? Because I have to tell you, neither of those things is going to happen.” I furrowed my brow at him and made my voice hard so he would know I was serious and told him pointedly, “I’m never going to dislike you as much as you dislike yourself, Asa.”
He got to his feet and moved toward me. He really did look like a big, wild cat stalking its prey as he prowled closer and closer. He stopped when we were almost touching but I refused to look or flinch away from him.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Red.”
I reached out a hand and put it right over the place in his chest where his heart was thundering. He was upset, but like usual I knew it was directed more inwardly than it was at me.
“Yes, I do, because I’ve been having a really hard time liking myself ever since Dom got hurt. I know how it feels and exactly what it looks like. Why do you think I was chasing after you so hard? I needed someone that wouldn’t tell me it was just an accident, that it wasn’t my fault. I needed someone that it was okay to feel bad with, and so do you. We aren’t always going to do the right things, make the right choices, and somehow you’re the only one I feel safe with coming to terms with that. You don’t judge me, you don’t try and make it better. You just let me feel bad while making me feel really good … I want to do that for you, too.”
His unusual-colored eyes flashed from gold to bronze as the truth and depth of my words sank in. He muttered something under his breath I couldn’t hear and then he tilted his head to the side a little and told me, “I’m the opposite of safe. I fucked you without a condom on this morning because you make me stupid with want. That isn’t exactly looking out for your best interests.”
I fisted his shirt in my hand and tugged him down so that we were almost eye to eye. I appreciated that he felt like he had to keep warning me about all the ways in which this volatile thing between us could go wrong, but at some point he was just going to have to man up, get on board with what was happening, and stop waiting for it to implode all around us.
“There were two of us in that bed this morning. I’m just as responsible as you are for what happens there. I can protect myself and am more than willing to do so if you’re willing to be honest with me and tell me if this thing between us is important enough, interesting enough, to give a shot. If the answer is no, then that’s fine, but I won’t be back and we’ll just chalk it up to raging hormones and lust.”
He curled his fingers around my wrist and let his fingers rest over my erratic pulse. I wondered if anything with him was ever going to be simple.
“I’m not taking anyone else to bed as long as you’re in it, Royal.”
That was as much of an agreement to stop being a naysayer where we were concerned as I was going to get. I would take it. I pressed up on my toes and kissed him lightly on the mouth.
“Good. Now, how about you let me drive you to the Bar so you can meet with Rome and then we go grab something to eat at the Breakfast King after?
I’m starving.” It seemed like such a simple, couply thing to do and I needed that. I craved it with him.
He ran his hand over the length of my still-damp ponytail and lightly tapped me on the ass. “Sounds good.”
Why couldn’t everything between us be that cut-and-dried?
George Thorogood was on the jukebox when Asa and I walked into the Bar. It was early enough that the doors weren’t open for customers yet but Cora was sitting at the bar talking to a guy standing behind it that I didn’t recognize. Asa deposited me next to her and introduced the new bartender as Danny before disappearing off toward the back office. I told Cora good morning and then spent five minutes staring at her trying to figure out why I thought she looked different from the last time I saw her.
Her blond hair was still short and styled in an artful disarray and her two-toned eyes were still bright and glittery with mischief. She was swinging her short legs back and forth watching me scope her out with obvious amusement. She had on tight black pants and a flowy top that had a bunch of flowers on it. She was colorful and fun just like every time I saw her, but as she turned to fully face me, I felt my eyes widen when I noticed a certain part of her that seemingly had grown out of proportion to the rest of her tiny frame.
“Did you get a boob job?” I realized how rude that sounded and went to apologize when she started laughing so hard her eyes began to water.
“No, I didn’t, but I think half the reason Rome likes to knock me up is because of this particular side effect.”
I gaped at her for a second. “You’re pregnant? Wow, congratulations.” I let my gaze slide up and down her still-petite figure. Aside from the craziness happening in her bra, she still looked like a little pixie. “I had no idea.”
She nodded. “We’ve been keeping it pretty quiet. I wanted Shaw and her new baby to get all the same love and attention we got when Remy came into the world, but we’re going for the ultrasound today to see if we’re bringing RJ home a brother or sister, so it won’t stay secret much longer.”
I reached out to give her a one-armed hug. “Ugh, I can’t believe I missed it. I’m going to make a terrible detective.”
She laughed again and patted me on the knee. “You don’t spend enough time around me to pick up on all the subtle little clues—something you should change, by the way.” She gave me a look and cocked her head to the side. “You know Ayden and Jet are coming back to town for spring break in a few weeks. We should all get together for a girls’ night like we used to. I bet Shaw could use a night away from the baby … and Rule.”
She grinned at me as I involuntarily flinched at the idea of hanging out with Asa’s sister. I had been to their girls’ nights before, but ever since Ayden moved and the babies started coming around, they had been few and far between. Now I usually just had coffee with Saint in the morning or grabbed a drink with Salem if she asked. We hadn’t all gotten together in longer than I could remember and it for sure had been before I locked Asa up.
“Uhhh …”
She rolled her eyes at me. “If you and Asa are going to be a thing, then you understand Ayden is part of that package, right?”
“I really wish someone else had answered that call. I hated having to take him in when he was hurt and obviously innocent. If I was his sister, I wouldn’t be happy with me either.”
She didn’t get a chance to say anything else because both the guys came out of the back room looking grim and unhappy. Rome was scowling pretty hard and Asa’s mouth was pulling tight in a straight line.
Cora swung around on the bar stool and went to her hulking man. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he automatically returned the embrace and bent to drop a kiss on the top of her head. It was so easy, so effortless, how they leaned on each other that I felt a sudden ball of emotion lodge in my throat as I watched them.
“Not good?” She asked the question softly and Asa was the one who answered. He leaned on the end of the bar and shook his head.
“Not good.” He sounded frustrated and disappointed. All I wanted to do was hug him and make it better like Cora was doing for Rome, only we were nowhere near there yet. His eyes shifted from me to Rome and then back. “The big guy doesn’t want to press charges, but we’re going to have to fire her and we need to talk to Brite and Darcy.”
Cora made a sympathetic noise. “It’s gonna break Brite’s heart.”
Asa pushed off the bar and walked over to where I was sitting. I hopped off the stool and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and tugged me to his side. A full-body shiver worked its way from the top of my scalp to the tips of my toes as I responded by putting an arm around his lean waist. I wanted to be able to hold him up. I just wasn’t sure I was strong enough.
“He’s not going to give up on her. He loves her too much.” Asa’s voice had hints of guilt laced with penitence in it and I wondered if he was talking about the employee or something far closer to home.
Rome grunted and squeezed Cora hard enough that she squeaked. “We have to go. I wanna see my new baby.”
We followed them out of the bar and Cora looked at me over her shoulder before Rome hefted her up into his big truck and told me, “No escaping girls’ night, Royal. I’m making it happen.”
I groaned and agreed with a shrug. Asa gave me a questioning look as we headed the couple blocks from the Bar over to where the diner was located. After we were seated and had steaming cups of coffee sitting in front of us, I wanted to ask him exactly what was going on with the employee, but he beat me to it and questioned why I seemed less than thrilled to hang out with the girls.
I stirred copious amounts of sugar into my coffee and stared down at the table while I thought about how to answer that.
“I’ve never had a lot of friends. It’s always just been me and Dom. I like all those girls and I love Saint to death, but hanging out like that isn’t something I’m used to, and frankly I’m still slightly terrified your sister wants to kick my ass.”
He gave me an exasperated look that indicated how ridiculous he thought my fears where Ayden was concerned were, and picked up his own mug. His golden eyes gleamed at me over the rim as he asked, “Always just you and Dom, huh? There ever been anything there that’s gonna have a pissed-off cop on my ass if he finds out where you’ve been going when you can’t sleep?”
I had to blink for a second because what he was asking was so ridiculous it took a second for it to compute. “NO! God no. Dom has been my best friend my entire life and now he’s my partner. Nothing romantic has ever been between us, and he doesn’t get a say in who I choose to spend my time with just like I don’t get a vote in his personal life. We love each other but we aren’t in love with each other and never have been.”
Asa stared at me unblinkingly for a long moment before setting his coffee cup down and leaning a little closer to me with a smirk on his face. “How’s that possible? How does he spend endless hours around you, stuck in a patrol car with you day in and day out, and not try and get some? Doesn’t add up.”
I flushed under the scrutiny and gave the same response I did whenever anyone questioned how Dom and I could have a strictly platonic relationship over all these years.
“I’m not Dom’s type, and I know him too well to ever think we could work out.”
Asa leaned back in the booth and I could see the pieces of the word puzzle clicking into place in his head. He really was as smart as he was pretty. “Not his type?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “Nope. Not at all.”
“I see.” He sounded amused, and maybe it was wishful thinking but I think there was a hint of relief in his tone as well.
I copied his pose in the booth and asked, “Do you?”
“Red, there are only a handful of reasons any guy would consider you ‘not his type’ and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what the main one might be.”
I let out a little breath of relief and didn’t say anything else as the waitress set down our food in front of us.
He was watching me in obvious amusement as I shoveled breakfast into my face with no delicacy. I didn’t care. I was hungry and he had already taken me to bed, so appearing ladylike and demure had no place here. After I polished off my entire plate and what was left on his, I sat back with a satisfied sigh and put my hands on my full tummy. He was still watching me and now his eyes were glowing like they were lit up from somewhere deep inside of him.
“You’re cute.” He sounded amused, so I wrinkled my nose at him.
“That doesn’t sound like a compliment.” I told the waitress no when she asked if we wanted anything else even though I totally could have gone for a chocolate milk shake. Asa asked for the bill and pulled his phone out to look at it. When he spoke it was with sincerity and honesty even though he wasn’t looking at me.
“It is. You surprise me. The way you look doesn’t always match up with the things you do … I’m never sure what to expect.”
I pushed my ponytail over my shoulder and slid out of the booth. He followed my lead after throwing a wad of bills on the table to cover the check. I melted a little on the inside when he took my hand. It seemed like such a normal thing for a guy to do for a girl he liked and so against the way he had behaved toward me up until this point.
Asa (Marked Men #6) Page 14
