I reached for my beloved Oreos, then grabbed the milk from the refrigerator. I had long ago gained back the weight I’d lost while I was at the height of my drug abuse and then some. I’d always been a curvy girl, but I had to admit, I was starting to get a little thicker in my waistline and the other spots where I was already more than amply endowed despite all the yoga and visits to the gym. As I stuffed an Oreo in my mouth, I also promised myself I’d consider improving my diet.
Just as I reached for Oreo number four, Justin drifted into the kitchen. I was treated to a sight I never got tired of. He was clad in a pair of lightweight, plaid cotton lounge pants and nothing else. As I crunched on my cookie, I let my eyes skate over the broad muscles of his chest. My eyes rested on a tattoo I hadn’t seen before. It was a portrait of Sammy and was placed right over his heart. It was incredibly lifelike, taken from a picture I knew very well.
When Sammy was about six months old, I had dragged him to a photography studio, intent on having a formal portrait done. I’d had him in his ‘fanciest’ outfit for the occasion—a navy-trimmed beige sweater vest over a white collared baby shirt, complete with a bowtie and matching navy shorts. I thought he’d looked so smart, so dapper for a baby. I chuckled silently as I recalled how fussy he’d been, probably because he was so uncomfortable. Sammy didn’t like clothes on the best of days. The session had quickly gone downhill with Sammy and very nearly the photographer, in tears.
Thanks to the quick thinking of the photographer’s assistant—who I later learned had three little boys of her own—Sammy was soon stripped down to his diaper and socks and wrapped in the soft blue blanket I had stuffed in his diaper bag. He quickly settled down, and she did an amazing job of distracting him. While he never really laughed or smiled, the photographer captured one moment where he was wide-eyed and entranced with whatever the assistant had done at the time. His face was the perfect picture of innocence and beauty. It was the shot which became the centerpiece of the many pictures I’d bought from that session, and a large-framed canvas print of it hung on the living room wall.
I swallowed hard as I noticed Justin had caught me staring. The remnants of the cookie went down like gravel, my mouth had gone so dry. I took a quick sip of my milk, then motioned vaguely toward his chest.
“I couldn’t help but notice you got a new tattoo,” I mumbled before stuffing another cookie in my face.
He glanced down at his chest briefly before looking up with a wide grin and that familiar mischievous glint in his eyes.
“Yeah, I had it done about two weeks ago. It’s pretty well healed now. I’m surprised you didn’t notice it sooner.”
I rolled my eyes and stuttered through my cookie-filled mouth, “It’s not like I see you bare-chested all the time! How could I have noticed?”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, his grin grew wider.
“You know you only have to ask if you want to see me without my clothes on, Peaches,” he said with a wink.
Shocked, I gasped then sputtered on my own saliva, cookie crumbs flying so attractively out of my mouth. Justin had never been afraid to flirt and tease, but this was probably the most blatant he’d ever been, at least since I had stuffed him squarely in the friend-zone when I was with James. At that moment, I sorely wished I could come up with something flirty and sexy to say, but I’d never really been much of a femme fatale. Instead, I sat there flummoxed and flustered, feeling as though my innermost secret was laid bare on my face. I felt the heat rising, burning my cheeks, and I instantly lowered my head.
“If you’re trying to embarrass me, Justin, then it worked,” I grumbled.
“Aww, Mimi. What’s there to be embarrassed about? It’s not as if you actually do want to see me naked.”
My cheeks burned even brighter with the statement, and Justin noticed.
“Wait… do you?” he asked incredulously.
For an instant, I was pinned to the spot. I had absolutely no idea what to do. I couldn’t very well deny it with the evidence written all over my face, but I could hardly admit it either, could I? I sat there looking at him helplessly.
“Mimi..., I…, we…, Marina,” he croaked hoarsely.
I nodded and fled to the safety of my room where I rocked myself back and forth on the bed. The situation was impossible. I couldn’t deny my feelings and how they seemed to grow stronger every day, but I wasn’t the type of person to try to break anyone up. I wanted him to be happy, I really did, but I was aching to spill my guts to Justin because I wanted him to be happy with me. I wanted to let it out in a gush and allow whatever was going to happen… happen, but I just couldn’t. I told myself it was because I didn’t want to come between him and Marina, but deep down I was scared because I was convinced he would pick her over me.
As I sat there in torment, my phone began to ring. I’d planned to ignore it and continue to wallow in the sinking feeling overwhelming me, but at the last second, I snatched the phone from my nightstand and answered without looking at the screen. I needed a distraction, and whoever it was would be mine for however long the conversation lasted. If it was some sort of telemarketer, I pitied him. I was liable to keep him on the phone for hours.
“Hey, Kitten!” I heard James’ exuberant voice ring out after I answered. He was probably the last person I should be talking to with the state I was in, but I told myself the distraction of a friendly conversation would be harmless.
“James! I was thinking about you.” Well, I was, sort of.
“I hope your thoughts included what a fantastic man I am and how you can’t wait to see me again,” he replied, amusement tinging his words.
“Oh, please. I know you. I’m sure you’re smack dab in the middle of some sort of mischief,” I teased.
“Nope. In fact, that’s why I’m calling. I had such a great time today. How would you feel about getting together again and making some trouble?”
“Trouble with you could mean a whole host of things, James.”
“And each one more fun than the last,” he boasted.
I giggled, knowing not long ago, I would have agreed whole-heartedly. I longed for the ability to throw all concerns aside and live in the moment with James if only for a short time. I’d come too far, grown too much, and discovered the place where my heart really lived, to be that carefree again. I wasn’t above borrowing a bit of his joy right now though.
“So, Kitten, what are you up to?”
“I’m in my pajamas and ready for bed like any normal person would be,” I responded.
“It’s only ten o’clock!” James exclaimed. “The night is young, and so are you. You should be out enjoying yourself.”
“In case you forgot, I am all but a mother now. Little kids get up early. Even if it weren’t for Sammy, my party days are over.”
“Your party days are far from over,” he replied. “You need to change the type of party. In fact, I have the perfect idea. Dessert! Yes, partying should be all about sweet treats now. Of all varieties.” I could practically hear his eyebrows wiggling against the phone as he added that last part. “With that in mind, would you like to come out with me to get something?”
“Lemoore is a bit of a drive. By the time you got here, we’d be looking for breakfast.”
“While I’m not ruling out sharing a stack of pancakes with you in the morning, I’m still in Los Angeles. I thought maybe we could go get some cannoli and espresso from Vittorio’s.”
It was too late for espresso, but a decaf paired with a sweet, creamy cannoli sounded like heaven. It might not solve my problems, but it wouldn’t do any damage to anything but my thighs. I could return to the idea of changing my diet in the morning. While it might not be fair to James to use his attention to take my mind off my aching heart, the idea of sitting home, tossing, and turning while I obsessed over Justin sounded like a worse idea.
“I won’t turn down an offer like that. When can you be here?”
“I’m only fifteen minutes away, Kitten. Add
five to that and I’ll be right there.”
“I’ll get dressed again, then. Thanks for asking me, James,” I said sincerely.
We hung up and I dashed to my closet. I grabbed the first thing handy, a simple, baby blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Throwing my hair up into a messy bun, I wandered out into the living room to wait. Justin was still in the kitchen, pouring milk into a cereal bowl. He looked at me over the breakfast bar with a surprised expression on his face.
“You going somewhere?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded stiffly, “I’m going out for some dessert.”
“Didn’t you eat like a whole pack of Oreos?” he teased.
“Don’t judge me. You’re the one eating Cocoa Puffs before bed.”
Justin laughed. “I would never dream of it, Peaches. You’re not going out alone, are you?”
I knew my answer wasn’t going to win me any prizes, but I wasn’t about to lie. “No. James is coming to get me.”
Justin dropped the spoon he was about to put in his mouth back in the bowl with a clatter, along with a splash of milk and cereal onto the counter top.
“Seriously, Mimi?” his eyes narrowed at me suspiciously. “Are you sure you’re going out to get something to eat? Are you even coming back tonight?”
I slumped and sighed. There was my past haunting me again. I took it as further proof I was damaged goods to Justin. “Of course, I’m coming back. I probably won’t be gone much longer than an hour or two.”
Justin stalked out of the kitchen to stand before me. He moved in and grabbed my chin in his hand, lifting my head up to meet my eyes. “I don’t understand you. Not a half hour ago you were looking at me like you wanted to devour me whole, and now you’re going out to meet another guy? That guy?”
His words were a direct hit to my heart, yet they were also the catalyst for my frustration bubbling over. “What do you want from me, Justin? You’re off limits. You pointed that out earlier. I’m not going to try to come between you and Marina.”
“Why are you doing this now, Mimi? I waited for you for years, and now, now that I’ve finally met someone and am trying to move on, you want to get with me? Now when you think you can’t have me, I look good to you? As if that weren’t bad enough, you’re bringing a guy you know I hate, one you promised not to bring here, to my door. Since you don’t think you can have what you want, you decide to try to make me jealous to get the response you want?”
With a rough whip of my head, I tore my chin from his hand. “I’m not trying to make you jealous. I’m trying to escape a difficult situation between you and me. Put some space between us for tonight.”
“Because escaping issues has gone so well for you in the past,” he spat at me.
“Fuck you, Justin. I never expected you of all people to throw my mistakes in my face.”
His face and rigid posture softened, and I saw regret shadow his expression. He reached a hand out to me.
“Mimi, I’m sorry. I only meant you’re not thinking this through properly. You’re reacting to a situation which makes you uncomfortable by grabbing the first thing you think will make you feel better. You’ve worked so hard over the last year to change, and you’ve done an amazing job. This is not the choice you want to make. Stay here and talk to me.”
I was seized by the temptation to stay and spill my guts, finally. I could tell him everything. I might not ever get this kind of chance again. Yet, his guilt over Marina when I was simply looking at him made me think it would be pointless.
I looked at his outstretched hand and shook my head. “No, Justin. Whatever my issue is, talking about it with you won’t help.”
He stood up straight again, his hands balled into fists. “Mimi,” he began.
I held up a hand. “No. Trust me, nothing good will come from us discussing this. I don’t want to make problems where none should be. That’s why I’m going out, to spare the both of us as much awkwardness and discomfort as I can.” I turned toward the door, so he wouldn’t see the tears forming in my eyes.
“Mimi,” he said again hoarsely, but I cut him off.
“I’m going to wait outside. I never intended to let James in the house,” I said before opening the door and closing it behind me.
Just twenty minutes later, James and I were parked on Mulholland Drive, sitting on Bessie’s hood and looking down over the San Fernando Valley while we sucked the cream out of the crusty pastries and sipped coffee. I really did want the rich, bold espresso he had suggested, but the decaf was a nearly decent compromise.
“I’m really glad you decided to come out tonight, Kitten. I had such a good time today. I felt like we ended things too soon.”
At that moment, I wished things could be easy, that I could say the same and was ecstatic at a chance for a reunion with him. I wasn’t. It seemed weird to think I’d thought myself so in love with him once. I did love him, just not in that earth-shattering, soul-shaking way. Now, my feelings were pleasantly warm, definitely those of a friend happy to see another good friend. Realizing James was expecting a response, I nodded before taking a sip of my drink. “Yes, it was a good day.”
James looked at me sadly. “You don’t feel it anymore, do you?”
“My life is so different now, James,” I sighed. It seemed like no matter what I did tonight, I was destined to have an uncomfortable conversation. “I’m not the girl I was when we were together.”
“You were hardly a girl, Mimi.”
I chuckled softly as I set my Styrofoam cup down on the car. “No, I wasn’t, but in light of all the experience I’ve gained over the last two years, I might as well have been. It’s either that or I’m a very old lady now.”
James bumped my shoulder with his. “Hottest old lady I’ve ever seen.”
I laughed and bumped him back. “I don’t want you to think it’s because I still have questions about you or whether you were faithful to me. I just…”
“Kitten, you don’t have to say it. I know it’s because of Justin.”
I looked up, startled. I didn’t think I’d ever given James any kind of idea about my feelings for Justin. I certainly hadn’t mentioned it because I didn’t want to hurt James’ feelings. Justin was a sore spot for him, and not because of the ass-kicking he got from him. Being honest, I’d also selfishly wanted to keep him around in case I was forced to move on without Justin.
“Don’t look so surprised, Mimi. I’ve always known about your feelings for him even if you didn’t. Every time you spoke of him, every time you looked at him even with me around, it was evident. Your eyes light up at the mention of his name. That man can do no wrong in your eyes. I told myself I only needed more time in your life, that I could win you over, to make you look at me like that, but even if it wasn’t only wishful thinking, I blew that all to hell with Batya. And now, there you are in his house, raising his kid… I know I can’t compete. I had to take my shot, or I’d have regretted it.”
I stuffed the last of my cannoli in my mouth to buy a few more seconds to respond. I hated to disappoint people at any time, but I really felt bad about disappointing James. I leaned back against the windshield and crossed my arms over my chest.
“I didn’t know it, James. I don’t want you to think I was with you while secretly in love with someone else. I spent so much time resisting anything between Justin and me because I was afraid I’d jeopardize our friendship. Then you came along and swept me up in this amazing whirlwind of fun and excitement.”
“Not to mention great sex,” he interjected, a playful look on his face.
“There’s certainly no denying that,” I laughed. “We were great together in so many ways. Of the many regrets I have in my life, you are not one of them.”
“But I’m not Justin.”
I dropped my hands into my lap and stared down at them. “No one is Justin. Justin isn’t even Justin anymore.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“We’re not involved. Not like that. He’s moved
on with a woman named Marina.”
“You mentioned he had a girlfriend, but it can’t be serious. Mimi, the way you radiated when he was around, he was a goddamned beacon for you. That man lives and breathes for you, and you know it.”
“I guess I didn’t really think about what that meant, long term. The time has passed, James. He’s over it, he’s moved on.”
“You don’t ever get over feelings like those. I love you, you know I do. Could we come to feel something so epic for each other someday? I’d like to say maybe, yeah. But I already know Justin is that for you, not me. You may turn out to be my one great love when all is said and done, but I will never be yours. You already found him.”
I took a deep breath. “It sounds so bizarre to hear or say that out loud. Until recently, Vance had been that love in my mind. Our relationship was so incredible before he got sick. No one else will ever be able to reach the kind of perfection we had until the cancer stole it away from us. I came to realize, however, my marriage to Vance is forever sealed in that fairy tale without the happy ending. Vance and I had one good, amazing year. There’s no telling what we would have gone through if he’d remained healthy. That fairy tale could still have had a bitter ending, just a different kind. I like to think it would still have been a love for the books, but I’m smart enough, now, to know life can throw all kinds of difficulties at you that can derail any love, even the epic ones.”
James reached over and took my hand. “I either love you very much, or I am one stupid son-of-a-bitch.” I looked up at him puzzled. He smiled warmly at me before leaning in to place the softest of kisses on my lips. “He has you. You’re his, whether he knows it yet or not. I’m assuming he has no real clue, otherwise, he’d be the one holding your hand and kissing your beautiful mouth. Justin and I may never have seen eye to eye on much of anything, but I know he’s not a fool.
“I don’t know what’s holding you back, Mimi. Even if he has this new woman, there’s no way it can touch the depth of your feelings for each other. She could be a fantastic woman, I don’t know her. What I do know is she’s not you. Justin is marking time, again, until you come to your senses. You need to sit him down. You remember what happened last time you left the poor guy to his own devices. He ended up saddled with a crazy woman and an unplanned pregnancy. Hell, looking at it that way, you have a duty to tell him before he gets mixed up in any other trouble.”
Just Perfection (The Perfection Series Book 4) Page 9
