by Emma Easter
He smiled broadly. “Yes, Keziah! It’s really me.”
She gasped. “How come you are here?” She opened the door wide, and Felix entered the house. She gazed at Jude as he stepped in, and then she shut the door. Her eyes remained on him and, for a long moment, they stood silently gazing at each other.
Felix stood up. “Let me give you some space to talk and catch up,” he said. “I will be waiting in the car.” He left the house.
Keziah said in a trembling voice, her eyes still planted on him, “Jude, I cannot believe you’re here.” Tears welled up in her eyes and ran down her cheeks. A huge smile suddenly took over her entire face, and she reached out and threw her arms around him.
He held her tightly and felt his shirt dampening with her tears. He rubbed her back and inhaled deeply as the familiar scent of lavender enveloped him. For a long time, they stood wrapped up in each other’s arms as she cried, and then she finally pulled back. Her cheeks were streaked with tears as she smiled at him. And then the smile melted off her face, replaced by a look of shame. She bowed her head and sighed audibly.
He tilted her chin up so that he could look into her eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Jude,” she said in a broken voice. “I’m sorry for everything. I regret what I did to you every single day. I know how much you loved me. I should never have broken our engagement.” Fresh tears streamed down her face, and he wiped them away with his thumb.
“It’s okay,” he said.
She shook her head. “No, it’s not. I hurt you terribly when I broke up with you. I know that. I’m just glad to have a second chance to see you and tell you how sorry I am. I made a terrible mistake.” She bit her lips, despair taking over her face.
He wrapped her in his arms again and hugged her tightly, trying his best to comfort her and let her know he had forgiven her. She felt so familiar, and he smiled sadly. He was not surprised when she lifted her face, brushed her lips across his, and then kissed him fully.
For a long moment, she clung to him, kissing him. But he could not return her kiss. He felt nothing but guilt. Sofia’s face was firmly planted in his mind, and he found himself holding on to it rather than trying to press it away because of how guilty he felt. He also found he did not welcome Keziah’s kiss, but he could also not bring himself to pull away. She finally pulled back, and he could not hold back a sigh of relief.
She pressed her lips tightly together and then said, “I am so sorry, Jude. I should not have kissed you. I should not have assumed that you would just take me back.” She bowed her head again, and once more he lifted her chin with his finger.
“There’s nothing for you to apologize for,” he said.
“No, there’s a lot to apologize for,” she told him. “I know it will take some time for you to come to place where you feel comfortable with me again and where you can kiss me as passionately as you once did.”
He groaned. “I want to get back there, but I don’t know how.”
She took his hand and said, “I still love you, Jude. Very much. I’ve missed you so much, and there’s nothing I would love more than for us to be together the same way we were years ago.” She threaded her fingers through his. “Please, I know what I did was unforgivable, but please find it in your heart to forgive me.”
He stared her without a word.
“I think you still love me, Jude, like I love you. I want us to get back together,” she pleaded. “Don’t you want that?”
Jude pushed away Sofia’s face from his mind as his emotions roiled. He had never been more confused in his life. He sighed heavily, unable to sort through his feelings.
She held his hand tighter, intently gazing into his eyes, and then she blinked. “Ah, Jude, I did not even think to ask if there was someone else! There is, isn’t there? You have a girlfriend or a wife.”
He shook his head.
Her eyes lit up. “Then there’s nothing stopping us from being together again,” she said, and wrapped her arms around him once more. She pulled back slightly and asked, “Do you still love me, Jude? I love you with all my heart. The moment I called off our wedding, I knew that I had made the biggest mistake of my life, but it was too late to go back to you.”
He felt emotionally weary from his jumbled thoughts and feelings. He didn’t know what to say to her.
“Please forgive me and take me back,” she pleaded desperately.
He sighed again.
She looked tense as she said, “Say you still love me, Jude.” Her eyes filled with tears once more.
His mind filled with Sofia’s smiling face. He recalled clearly how eager she had looked the day she’d told him they could get married as soon as possible; how happy she had looked after they had gotten their marriage license. Yes, their marriage was a business arrangement, but it was also more. He cared for her deeply. Most of all, he had made a commitment to her.
He shut his eyes and sighed as Keziah leaned in and kiss him again. She pressed her body to his, and then he responded and kissed her back. Their kiss reminded him of the many kisses they had shared and how heady they had felt.
She pulled back slightly. “I love you, Jude. You still love me, don’t you?”
He searched her eyes for a few seconds and then took both her hands. “Yes, Keziah. I still love you.”
Her eyes lit up, but he shook his head. “I still love you, but I am not in love with you anymore.” His heart ached at the confused look on her face. He was still filled with confusion and conflicting emotions, but he was certain about his feelings. He was still greatly fond of her, but that passionate, all-consuming, intense love he’d felt when they were still together was not present any more. And it would be unfair to both of them if he led her on without telling her the truth.
“There’s someone else, isn’t there?” she cried.
“It's not that.” He squeezed her hand.
“Then what is it? You still haven’t forgiven me? I know what I did was very wrong, but can you not find it in your heart…”
“Stop, Keziah!” He sighed and said softly, “Listen, I have forgiven you, but we cannot be together. Your dreams of coming here to America were bigger than your love for me.”
“I knew it. You haven’t forgiven me.”
“I have, but that doesn’t mean we have to be together.” he smiled sadly. “You think you love me now and want to be with me because you’re lonely, but the next time you find someone who can fulfill some dream that you have, something that I might not be able to give you, you will leave me again. I don’t want that. I’ll never allow that to happen again.”
She shook her head. “No, I won’t leave you. I love you too much, and I realize now that we belong together.”
“No, we don’t,” he said firmly. Once again, he pictured Sofia in his mind. He said, “You know what? You are right. There is someone else. A girl I plan to marry next week.”
Her eyes grew round, and then she pulled her hand away from his. She looked shocked. “You are getting married next week? To another girl?”
“Yes,” he said. He hugged her again and then pulled back. She looked miserable. “I am really glad I saw you today, Keziah. I wish you all the best.” He started to pull away, but she held on to him.
“Please don’t go,” she said. “Is the girl you plan to marry an American citizen?”
“Yes,” he said, gazing curiously at her. “Why?”
“I know many immigrants marry U.S citizens for a Green card, but you don’t have to. I am a permanent resident now, Jude. We can get married, and I will file for your adjustment of status. You will get your Green card in no time.”
He gave her a sad smile. “I would never do that to you, Keziah — marry you just for a Green card. You deserve to be with someone who loves you passionately and completely.” He touched her arm and said, “I want you to know that I don’t hold any grudge against you, Keziah. I want you to have every good thing in this life and more. I’ll never forget you.” He kissed her cheek and then turned
around and walked out of her house.
Felix looked surprised when he opened the car door and got in. “Wow! That was fast, Jude. I thought you would stay with Keziah for much longer.” He gave Jude a knowing look and grinned.
Jude did not smile back. “Let’s go, Felix.”
“And is everything good with you and Keziah now? Are you going to break up with that white girl?”
“I’m not breaking up with Sofia, my fiancée, if that’s who you’re referring to. And everything is good with me and Keziah, at least on my part. I’ve truly forgiven her, but I cannot give her what she wants.”
Felix raised his eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”
“I know you think we are a perfect match, Keziah and I, but we are not. We are not getting back together.”
“You’re not?” Felix gazed at him with an astonished look. “Wow, I thought you still loved her.”
“I still do, but I am not in love with her anymore. All these years I’ve spent fantasizing about the day I’ll see her again. Now that I have, I know for sure that my feelings for her are not the same as they were years ago. I guess I needed to see her once more to realize that. I have idolized our relationship for so long, even the part where she left me just two weeks before our wedding and married someone else. I never blamed her for it. I believed at the time that she had no choice because she was going after her dream and had found someone who could provide that for her when I could not.
He sighed and shook his head at the strange way his mind had worked, at least when it came to his relationship with Keziah. “I actually believed it was right for her to pursue her dream even though she had hurt me terribly in the process of doing so. But now I know that when you truly love someone, they become an integral part of your dream. You don’t just throw them away in the pursuit of your dream as though they were dirt that you get rid of. The difference between me and Keziah was that she was a part of my dreams. I wasn’t a part of hers.”
Felix sighed. “I guess you’re right.” He started the car and began to drive away from Keziah’s house. “So, that girl you’re planning to marry. Sofia. Are you in love with her?”
Jude looked out of the window and then faced Felix again. “I think so. But most of all, I made a commitment to her, and unlike Keziah, who broke our engagement, I intend to keep mine.”
Felix drove slowly down the road, and Jude hit the dashboard in front of him. “Move this thing, Felix! I have to get to my fiancée as soon as possible. She’ll be wondering where I am and why I haven’t come to see her today.”
Felix laughed. “Yes, sir!” He gave Jude a mock salute and sped up the car.
All through the ride back to Tucson, Jude could think of nothing else but getting back to Sofia. He didn’t know when their arranged marriage had become more than a business transaction to him, but it was now. And there was no one he wanted to see more than her. He’d thought he would be back together with Keziah and planning to break up with Sofia, but he was now more certain than ever before that he wanted nothing more than to marry her. And to tell her that he loved her.
Chapter 14
Sofia laughed as Jude showed her his painting of her. They were in an art class for couples, and the instructor had told them to paint a depiction of each other. She pointed at the caricature sketch Jude had painted that was supposed to be her and shook her head, still laughing. “Who is this, Jude? Do you have another fiancée, an ugly one hidden somewhere, because I know this certainly isn’t me.”
Jude chuckled and said in mock indignation, “What are you saying, Sofia? This painting of you is a masterpiece.”
Sofia shook her head. “No, this painting is definitely not me.”
Jude burst out laughing and then pressed his lips tightly together when a few of the couples in the class turned his way.
Sofia studied the painting again. “Well, at least you tried. You painted my bangs, but that is the only thing you got right about me in this painting. My bangs.”
“Okay.” He chuckled. “I agree completely. You are infinitely more beautiful than this painting of you. Now, let me see the mess you made of me.”
She shook her head again and shielded her canvas with her body.
“Sofia, let me see it.” He tried to move her out of the way, but she shook her head and held her ground.
He reached his hand behind her back, but she laughed and moved her easel further away from him.
He chuckled as he went after her. “Sofia, show me!”
She shook her head again, feeling slightly embarrassed. He reached her but rather than try to grab her canvas again, he looked into her eyes, smiling. She stared curiously at him and then her heart melted at the warmth in his eyes. She smiled broadly and then gasped when, with lightning speed, he grabbed the canvas from behind her back.
She groaned. He had tricked her. She looked around the room. All the couples were showing each other their paintings and laughing. Maybe she needed to loosen up a bit and not feel so embarrassed by her painting of Jude.
He studied the drawing and his eyes grew wide. He looked at her and then looked at the painting again. “Wow! Sofia, this is amazing!” He grinned as he glanced at her again. “This is really good. Why didn’t you tell me you could paint? You should have an exhibition or something.”
“No,” she said, waving him away. She turned away, embarrassed once more at how closely he was studying her painting. “It’s no big deal, Jude. I’m not good enough to have an art exhibit.”
“That is not true, Sofia. I’m telling you that this painting is really good. You should definitely have your own studio at least.”
She shut her eyes, hoping he would stop making comments on her painting. She had simply come here with him because she thought it would be fun, but she did not want him focusing on whether she could paint or not. Apart from her father and George, she had never shown anyone anything she’d painted and had even stopped painting years ago, after she’d met George. She had painted as a teenager, but her dad had told her continuously that she was wasting her time and that she could be spending it on more profitable things.
George had seen one of her paintings, and though he’d said he liked it, he did not encourage her to paint more. In fact, the first time he’d come over to her apartment when she was painting, he had complained about how untidy she looked with paint all over her. He preferred her in finery — in the best lingerie when they were indoors and all dressed up when they were out. Soon after, he’d told her that painting took away the time they had to spend with each other. After that, she’d put away all her painting materials. Her easels and brushes and acrylic. When he’d gotten her the new expensive apartment, she’d given them all away.
“Sofia, did you hear what I just said?” Jude asked, looking up from her painting of him.
“Let it go, Jude. It’s not my thing anymore. And you’re just saying it’s good because that’s what you’re meant to say as my fiancé.” She smiled and waved her hand. “You know it’s not that good.”
“You painted me, Sofia. If this painting didn’t look like me, I would tell you.” Before she could protest, he showed the couple nearest to them the painting.
She groaned. Jude, what are you doing?
Jude asked, “Doesn’t this painting look exactly like me?”
The blond girl beside them and her full-bearded boyfriend studied the painting. The guy looked at Jude and said, “It really does. This looks exactly like you.”
The blonde nodded. “This is really good.” She looked at Sofia. “You painted this?”
Jude answered for her. “She did. I was just telling her how good it is, but she doesn’t believe me.”
The bushy bearded man said to Sofia, “It’s really good. I wish I could paint like this.” He turned to the blonde and smiled. “If I could, I would paint you every day, baby.”
The girl grinned at him.
Sofia felt even more embarrassed than she’d been earlier. Were they saying all this to b
e polite, or were they really serious? She reached out to move her easel away from Jude, but he took her canvas and held it away from her. Before she could say anything, he raised his hand and beckoned to the art instructor.
“Jude, what are you doing?”
Jude ignored her and showed her painting to the instructor, a woman dressed in a tie-dye skirt and peasant blouse. Sofia turned away and sighed warily. She turned around again when the art director put her hand on her shoulder. “This is really good. You painted this?”
Sofia groaned inwardly and said, “I don’t paint seriously. I haven’t painted in years, but I used to paint a lot when I was younger.”
The art instructor looked really surprised. “You know, there is an art exhibition happening a month from now. If you have any pieces as good as this that you would like to show, I can get them in for you.”
Sofia shook her head quickly. “No, I have no pieces to show.”
The art instructor kept looking at the painting, and some other couples gathered around. Sofia sighed again. She did not like all the attention this was bringing her. She was used to drawing attention, but it was usually for her looks. She was comfortable with that. But she did not like this kind of attention. When the other couples praised her painting and told her to paint more, she felt even more uncomfortable. She could hear her father’s voice in her mind telling her that her painting was no good and that she was wasting time doing it. She could see George’s disapproving look when he saw her covered in paint. He had said that she was better at other things and then had pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Surely if she was that good, George had connections with many rich and wealthy people. He could have connected her to someone who owned an art gallery or something. When the instructor brought up the topic of the art exhibition again, she firmly refused and told the woman she would be busy with other things and could not commit to painting any pieces.
After another round of painting, this time of whatever inanimate object was before them, the class thankfully ended. She had painted the wine glass before her as roughly as she could, hoping not to draw any more attention to her work. She’d been relieved when no one had paid any attention to it.
